curious

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrr

[Lil Punkin]

hey Keefy!!!

 

Well from what I've read, although this "old man' is not giving her what she wants, it doesn't seem like anyone is holding a gun to her head making her stay either. I mean, "dating" someone for 6-7 years...and waiting to get "fed up" sounds like a pretty lame excuse to hold onto someone. The question here is..whats SHE afraid of. He's made it obvious the relationship is going nowhere..what else does she need to figure out? Maybe SHE is actually the commitment phobic.....just a guess.

 

Can you talk to her and ask her what the hold up is? She's NOT getting any younger, in case she hasn't noticed.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Lil Punkin]

I understand Keefy....

 

When we love someone it's easy to make excuses for their behavior. It's probably easier to blame HIM...the apparent "source" of the problem..than to blame HER. I mean how could someone you love be the reason you're miserable? Thats what love does..it clouds your sense of judgement. That is ALSO why doing NC is effective. It clears that fog, so you can more clearly and objectively...hang in there. I'm sure your perception will change in no time.

[PocoDiablo]

It sounds like she enjoys the challenge of being with him. Maybe a little bit of a "drama" lover?

 

Personally, I have noticed that a woman would much rather be with a man who is exciting, unpredictable, etc., than with a guy who lays everything on the line and is boring. So, in a sense, she is more happy with him because she never knows what is going to happen.

 

Is time running out? Maybe. Is he being unfair? Not really. They are both adults. They seem to have chemistry.

 

Personally, I congratulate you for going NC because it sounds like you can do better.

[keefy1972]

Thanks. In the meantime I'm going to maintain Strict no contact and talk to as many women as possible.

[keefy1972]

Yeah, poco, you're right. They are both adults.... thanks for your thoughts man. I appreciate it.

[Lil Punkin]

LMAO Keefy....

 

and remember...you can't go wrong....

[BellaDonna]

Is it just me or is he not being fair to her? If he is being cruel, how can I tell her without her thinking I'm just "attacking" him?

 

I don't want to be harsh or invalidate your feelings about your ex- but I can't help but wonder why you CARE. She made her bed, now let her lay in it. She was unfair to you. She dumped you to go be with this guy that makes her unhappy.

 

I've decided to "go strict no contact" and stop being the "fallback guy". I dunno, was just wondering if I thought, since he is suppose to be so mature, that he is being unfair to someone by taking advantage of her feelings and not allowing her to move on. Or it could be that I'm just making up an excuse for her so that she is somehow a victim. I dunno...thanks for replying.

 

I'm glad to see that you are going to do no contact. You are also being unfair to yourself if you are letting yourself get stressed over this woman. You should not have to be her emotional crutch, while she's shacked up with this other man.

 

My best advice would be let her go, completely. She's a big girl and made her decision- now she has to deal with the consequences of that decision. You however, do not have to deal with them. You can have a bright future. If I were you, I would not consider her as a part of that future. Move on an open yourself up to the possibilities life has to offer.

 

All the best,

 

BellaDonna

[keefy1972]

BellaDonna thank you. You weren't harsh at all. I've let myself become some kind of a moron about it. I know I shouldn't care.You're definitely right about that.

[BellaDonna]

You're not a moron. Sometimes love is blind and you need to hear the reality of the situation from someone outside of the situation.

 

What I see is a caring person who worries about the well-being of others, even if they have been hurt by those others. It's great to be a caring person, but do not let it ruin your OWN happiness.

 

You don't have to stop being a caring, good-hearted person, but you just need to take those caring qualities and share them with a woman who deserves them. Your ex is not that woman.

 

 

BellaDonna

[kellbell]

Hi Keefy!

 

Sorry about your break-up with this woman. I can see why you are upset over this situation. But unfortunately, there is not much you can do for her. You can't tell people how to live and attacking her boyfriend can make her a bit defensive, plus in most cases, women are not looking for answers when they confide in others. They just want to be listened to and have their feelings validated. Once that occurs, they are more likely to open up more and trust you.

 

What you can do is offer your support in what ever she decides and maybe offer what she can do, like her options, just to put them out there, and tell her no matter what, you will be there if she needs you. This is her problem, I mean she broke up with you to be with this man, this is her dilemma to deal with. She is going to have to figure out for herself when she finally had enough but that's something she has to come to terms with on her own. You asked after 7-8 years, if people should have a sense of what they want and committ, well, yes, in theory but not all the time. I am guessing this guy is very comfortable and is in no hurry to get married to get hitched for the third time and having a baby when he is 50. But that is something that they have to work out, you can only be her friend. In the meantime, I would re-consider waiting for her because that sounds like what you are doing. I mean, this situation can drag on for a couple of years. Do you want to waste 2 years of your life waiting for this woman? Even if they do go their own way, there is no guarentee that she will go back to you, let alone get married and have kids with.

 

So I would just lend an ear to her. But I am curious as to why you know a lot about her life and why you are in constant contact with her.

[Lil Punkin]

Keefy..you are NOT a moron!!! You are in love...BIG difference. When you're being fed a load of crap..especially by someone who is ambivalent..it's EASY to get sucked in. I mean there are TONS of websites and support groups for people who are involved with married people...that goes on for years and years. Do you want to be one of THEM??? This is really no different..she's been with this guy 7 or 8 years..and shows NO signs of leaving him. What ARE you getting out of this...you need to ask yourself that very difficult question.....I would really like to see you get away from this woman AND this situation....so keep please keep posting on this thread.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Lil Punkin]

So she's got a little ego boost on the side while she hangs on to this "relationship".....Keefy, don't accept sloppy seconds. You sound like a wonderful, caring guy.

 

I am glad you're doing NC with her....chances are she's gotten used to having her cake and eating it too....but the question here is...what's Keefy getting out of this??

 

If you're feeling strong Keefy, don't go back....

Keep posting!

[PocoDiablo]

BellaDonna makes a good point. Your ex disrespected you. You should take that as a wake up call that she may not be as good a person as you deserve, or should demand.

 

Personally, if something like that happened to me, I would say something like "Wow, they really don't know what they are losing by dumping me. I was wrong to get involved with them, and I am glad I found out sooner rather than later."

 

Of course, this from the guy who stuck with the abusive wife for 11 years ... yeah ...

[PocoDiablo]

What you can do is offer your support in what ever she decides and maybe offer what she can do, like her options, just to put them out there, and tell her no matter what, you will be there if she needs you. This is her problem, I mean she broke up with you to be with this man, this is her dilemma to deal with.

KellBell,

 

I think you contradict yourself here. I would have to say I agree with the part I bolded. The other part ... why in the world would he want to reward her for dumping him by being a doormat? It's like she tossed him on the ground and now he should let her walk all over him? I really can't see the sense in that, you know? It just seems so ... degrading.

 

This is her problem. She was crazy to dump you, but be a man and move on. She is not family, she is not your mother or sister, you need to let her make her own mistakes. You've got your own problems and you need to heal yourself, not her. Take the time and effort to learn from her, learn what you can do to make yourself stronger and more attractive, and then apply whatever you learn to a woman who deserves your love and respect!

[keefy1972]

Well said Poco, thanks man.

[Lil Punkin]

well said Poco...I agree 100%!!!!!

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[kellbell]

When I responded to this thread, I didn't get to read the all the other posts. I was under the impression he was trying to be there for her and he waiting for her, is all. It would help if I read the whole thing.

 

Sorry, I didn't get the whole story. When I first read the post I was thought he wanted her back. Keefy, you are not a moron, you still care about her and worry about her. But you have the right attitude, you have to worry about your life now. I wish nothing but the best for you and take care.

[annie24]

I agree with BellaDonna. She made her bed, now let her lie in it. Your relationship is over, and she let a good thing go. Let her worry about her own love life now. Ultimately, you don't really know deep down what their relationship is about.

 

You focus on you, ok?

 

(EDIT: LOL Kellbell - I didn't read the entire thing either!!! Keefy - keep up the NC!!! That is the best way to go. You deserve far better than being someone's "emotional tampon".)