Feeling Lost

[kenneth05]

I don't want to hurt the children by divorcing so I stay. I should leave for my own happiness. I don't think that the marriage problems are because of me, but that is what my wife says. I want to be happy again, and sexually satisfied, and not always frustrated or in turmoil. I don't know how to think about my life anymore being for me, I just think about the kids and how my leaving will hurt them. I don't know how to think about my own happiness as being the important part of my life. I have been at an impasse for months thinking almost daily of leaving, but not leaving. I am afraid of losing the children, and afraid of divorce. I feel lost.

[Dako]

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Do you love your wife?

[kenneth05]

I think I do. But why should my love for someone cause me such pain and frustration? I don't understand.

[Bethany]

I'm sure your children would rather see you happy and livng alone, visiting them often and being reassured that you DO love them more than life itself, than watch you stay and live your life in misery. Children are stronger than us sometimes and I am sure that in time, they will accept that you and your wife no longer can live together.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you what you do but if I were in your position I could no longer stay and take the pain anymore.

 

Have you tried to talk to her about your need to leave? I really think this should be brought out into the open and discussed as it's obviously taking its toll on you, and you and your wife need to make a decision about both your futures.

Whether its to go for counselling or just to try again, or to separate, something needs to change and I think you know that.

[Dako]

Divorce hurts. You may find yourself regretting your decision if you haven't tried all alternatives. Counseling sometimes works, but the statistics aren't very encouraging despite the efforts of professionals who promote it.

 

If you can't resolve things with her, and she knows what you're considering, you may have to leave for your own sake. The kids will suffer if their parents become bitter cellmates for their sake.

 

Have you tried to work through your problems with her, or does it break down into hostility?

[kenneth05]

There is hostility, and constant frustration. We have been to counseling. But in her mind everything is my fault. She takes no responsibility. And for her, my frustrations, well, that is my concern and has nothing to do with her.

[Dako]

Maybe you should separate from her for a while. It may give you both a different perspective.

[LifeArtist]

I'm going through some of the same questions. I haven't wanted to leave both for the kids AND for myself and my desire to see them every day.

 

I've been searching the Internet for advice and answers and have found some pretty good stuff.

 

One has to do with what will NOT work to save the marriage -- opposition and trying to change your spouse.

 

You say everything is your fault in your wife's mind? Well, good luck trying to change that. You want her to take more responsibility and show less hostility? Defense and opposition will not work.

 

One counselor talks about emotional jujitsu -- using the force and power of the other to your own advantage. They are right (in their own mind) and that is reality (to them). The harder you push against them, the harder they will push back.

 

I too want to fully be myself and question whether I can have that in this marriage. What I'm trying to figure out now is how to talk this through and explore our options. It may be time to have conversations that we should have had before we ever decided to marry.

 

Be that as it may, one still has to decide what you want in your life here on out.

[Mun]

What did the counselor say about her opinion that everything is your fault? If he/she didn't work with her on that ( because it can't possibly be all your fault) then find another counselor...if you want to keep trying to stay together.

[novaseeker]

What did the counselor say about her opinion that everything is your fault? If he/she didn't work with her on that ( because it can't possibly be all your fault) then find another counselor...if you want to keep trying to stay together.

 

I kind of ... agree. It's true that once someone is dug in, opposing them only makes them dig in deeper. But ... the worst thing you can do for yourself is to thereforeeee accept the validity of her views and internalize them ... you'll set yourself back a bunch by doing that.

[ratherbesailing]

Kenneth -

 

Why don't you ask her for one thing she would like to change about you and see if you can accept working on that for a couple of weeks. At the same time let her know one thing that you would like her to work on. It sounds like she's got a whole list of things that she thinks are your fault, but if you start simple with one issue, you may see a big change in attitude when she realizes that you are willing to make some compromises. Starting with one thing isn't as threatening as making a list.

[kenneth05]

Thank you. I am trying to make things work.

[Straightwave33]

hi kenneth05,

 

i just happened to stumble accross your post. i would like to say, as a child of a couple who should have divorced but never did for the children's sake...please, don't stay in it for your children. if you absolutely cannot make it work with your wife, if you have exhausted every single way to mend things, talked to therapists together and separately, have tried out seperation and that didn't help.....then as far as your children's sake, divorce may be the way to go.

 

I have heard of couples that have remained in the same towns, even purchased/rented homes/condos next door so they could both see the children everyday. if you are willing to stay in an unhappy marriage for them, divorcing and moving close to the house should be do-able if you and your wife are on decent terms.

 

still today i see how dreadfully unhappy my parents are and its awful. neither of them know how to be in a loving relationship and thereforeeee, I am currently discussing things with a therapist and its taking a long time to heal. My ideas of family and love relationships were so screwed up because of my role models. sometimes its a long, painful and lonely road. please keep that in mind if you are thinking of stay for their sake. I know my words are from hindsight, but i would do anything to see both of my parents happy, even if that meant not living in the same household.

 

i hope this helps you a little

[kenneth05]

Thank you.

[DJ_QUALLS]

Was in a similiar situation myself. I left for my sanity. DO NOT stay for the kids, it hurts the cause more then help it. I had to make a choice, be miserable and depresed and somewhere i didnt want to be , or be happy doing something i want to do and have peace of mind withouth the drama and negativity.

 

Yes i thought about my child and my marriage and was i doing the right thing, but i also had to think about me, what makes me happy. It's not being selfish , its wanting better for yourself.There is NOTHING wrong for wanting happines for yourself.

 

It's been 2 years since i moved out and away from my marriage that was full of drama, streess and negativity 24/7 . And i am happy and don't regret it one bit. I can finally think straight and have time to do what and when i want whenever i want. I'm more happier now than before. Nothing wrong with wanting happines and peace of mind for yourself!!