Mixed signals or am I just stupid

[PocoDiablo]

DiggityDogg,

 

Well I think that was one of the best posts I have ever seen you make. Nicely done.

 

What was there to learn from Rob? I didn't want to be him, I wanted to have the ability to get women like him. I wasn't looking to hook up with a ton of girls, but I wanted the ability to just get a girl I wanted so I could form a relationship.

This guy for me was Jeremy. When I was about 17-23 Jeremy was the king of the guys, so to speak. He was about 6' tall, good build, Italian, and when he was 15 he had a full beard. He could pick up just about any woman he wanted. And he slept with them all. It drove me nuts, because I liked the same women of course.

 

But then one day he came to me and said something to me that absolutely blew me away. He said "I wish I could be as good friends with women as you are. I date these women but after a little while it all falls apart and they dump me. How do you do it?" I was euphoric for a few hours thinking I was better than him in some way, but then it quickly slipped away. I was still single. I still could not ask a woman out on a date to save my life. Sure, I was friends with all the women he was dating, but I wanted more. I never did ask him how he did it, and I should have! At least I would of had an understanding on how to ask a girl out. I was too dumb to ask for help from someone who clearly had experience.

 

About 5-7 years ago what he said came back to me one day and I realized ... this is the players curse. They can pick up a woman, but they cannot KEEP them. There is another thread on the site right now of a guy who was a player, and he's met the woman of his dreams. Guess what? He cannot figure out how to keep her. He's here asking for advice. I don't think he can learn fast enough unless he is really dilligent about it. This is important to me - you cannot just learn one skill (pick up, friends, long term) and expect to keep a relationship alive. You have to become well-rounded as best as you can.

 

I've never wanted to be a player because I have always felt a need to have an emotional connection with my partner. My biggest problem was walking up to a woman, striking up a conversation, determining if she had any interest in me, asking her on a date, and then not sticking my foot in my mouth on said date. And my other problem was maintaining a relationship AFTER the two year mark. But hot damn, I can be a good friend!

 

So after I figured a lot of that out I just look at the guys who are having the same problems I had and I try to give them the resources I used, hear about my experiences, and learn how to become a well-rounded adult.

 

What have I learned? You have to ask for help sometimes, and a lot of times you have to take advice from the person who's either doing it right or the person who tells you what you don't want to hear. You also have to admit that you will make mistakes and be able to agree with someone when you see they are right.

[Dating Coach]

"Dating zone" and "friend zone" are not mutually exclusive, contrary to popular belief. Unless I have just happened to meet all of the odd girls in this world, as girls constantly tell me they want a friend first and that they are open to dating friends.

 

They don't have to be mutually exclusive. If the odds in getting a romantic relationship are by far overwhelmingly in the favor of dating first rather than being quiet and sitting in friendzone then that's all you need to know if you are seriously looking to improve yourself and your success all the while saving your time and heartache.

 

As far as putting yourself first, what if putting her first is what makes you happy? When you truly care for someone, you want their happiness above all else.

 

I love doing things for my girlfriend, even if it takes putting myself second sometimes. That's not the point. The point is that you also need to put yourself above her at times as well otherwise you are becoming a doormat and will be setting the stage for a bad relationship. Maybe one day you will learn this.

 

When they hurt, you hurt. When they are good, you are good. Love is when two people put they other person first and in return they get the same treatment

 

It's funny you say that because in half of these situations on these forums are from guys who are fulfilling their end of putting the other person first, but the other person is totally taking advantage of this and abusing the relationship. Just as in the situation where the one guy said his girlfriend would only do things on her terms and he kept meeting them. We told him this was not right and he should put his foot down and quit fulfilling all of her needs when she is not recipricating. Then you come along and make excuses for her and tell him to keep meeting her needs if he really liked her. That doesn't sound like what you just said up there.

 

You cannot keep putting someone else first. You have to put you first sometimes as well, especially if that person is not doing the same for you. Otherwise, all you are doing is setting up a disaster of a situation. You can either continue on till it explodes or you can take control. By taking control the other person will either understand they are doing you wrong, or they will not. If they will not then it's time to move on. It's about respect/self respect.

[The Minx]

I agree with DiggityDogg and PocoDiablo. I think we are all on the same wave length for the most part.

 

WhyIAmShy, looks like you'll have to review the advice and decide for yourself what you think is best. Then, take it from there!

 

Best of luck to you

[1899]

Best thread ive read on this site, clears up some misconceptions.