Questions on my...situation

[jdheinold]

Hi all, and thanks for reading this. i have a few basic questions about suicidal thoughts that i would like to have answered.

 

as a short background, my ex left me 3 months ago, and to this point, she is the only person i have ever loved. i still care for her very much, and i have done the whole NC thing, and while i do feel better about her leaving me, i feel more and more hopeless as a person every day. she has told me before i started nc that she only wants to be friends, and used the word "forever."

 

i realize that right now i'm depressed, and i am very unable to get any kind of counsiling. money is way too tight for me to really do anything but sit at home and eat my 2 meals a day. i have few friends, and they are all involved with someone right now (married or otherwise) and thus cannot spend a large amout of time hanging out.

 

my questions are...

 

at what point does the thought of suicide become very serious? i really don't want to kill myself based on a couple of thing. A: my religion (its a mortal sin) and B: i know that i will be missedby the friends i have, and my family.

 

the next question is, what can i do in my situation? i am very discontent with my life right now. since my ex left me, i have decided what i want to study in school, and that felt great; i finally had a sense of direction for my life, except i may not be able to finance it till next fall, which seems like years away. i am extremely shy, and i don't know how to flirt (even a basic smile is EXTREMELY hard for me to show to anyone i don't know.) talking to a woman is the single hardest thing to do, unless i'm completely and utterly smashed, but then how attractive can i possibly look, stumbling over my words and feet.

 

i guess thats it, thanks for your replies guys and gals

 

JD

[emma34]

Well first of all, I understand how you feel as I've been there - feeling very discontent with life. Try to focus on the things you DO have. Like your family, your schooling, and your exciting future since you've recently decided what you want to study. Focus that negative energy into achieving the things you want. Like maintaining close friendships and working at your school or work, whichever you are doinog right now. I understand counselling can be quite the cost, but sometimes there are alternative ways to get someone to listen to and advise you. First of all, enotalone is a great place to get support, so you did the right thing coming here obviously. Second of all, are you attending church? If not, that I would of course suggest is, as it can be very uplifting, and also getting to be part of the church family can really help. They often offer free councelling at church, church groups, that kind of thing. Just a suggestion. I don't know about you, but at the university I go to they offer free coucessling - so maybe school?? If your not real close with your family, work hard at maintaining that relationships, because those are the ppl who will stick with you throughout this time of trouble, and help you keep on the right track. don't be afraid to talk to your mom or dad or siblings how you feel, because although it may feel difficult, I'm sure they would appreciate feeling needed. I hope I helped at least a little, and I am always open to talk if you need someone to listen. Good luck to you.

[Shadows Light]

Ok... doesn't sound that you are going wayyyy off the edge. Have you looked into free clinics and such in your area. Most cities do have them where they charge you based on your income. OR.. you mentioned religion. Check out local churches in your area. Most have some type of divorce support groups. While were not married... you may want to check out some of these churches for support groups that may fit your description. They may help you with counseling.

 

Depression. Keep yourself busy. Sounds great that you are thinking about your future goals and schools... awesome. You are doing great!!!!

Make sure you eat as best as you can and get exercise. Go out for a walk. Its cheep. Its free. And it releases those happy endorphins and natural serotonin. Where's your local library?? near you?? cool... walk there..

 

Once you are there.. start doing research on books. Relationship books. Dating books. Public Speaking books. That type of thing. Go to the biggest bookstore on the net. You know the one. And use it as a reference point.. get a listing of books and then see if your local library has any of them. My library is connected to 25 others...so I can just about order anything in for "free".

 

It'll give you something to do till next fall. A project. And you'll get your exercise and maybe think less about the "ultimate exit"

[justify_yourlove]

If you attend a college, counseling and psychological services are usually free since you pay it with your tuition. Otherwise, it would be super hard for you because professional help is always worth a try. Have you felt depressed before? How serious has it been? There is a different between feeling down and being clinically depressed. I'm just trying to make sure you know what you are.

[jdheinold]

If you attend a college, counseling and psychological services are usually free since you pay it with your tuition. Otherwise, it would be super hard for you because professional help is always worth a try. Have you felt depressed before? How serious has it been? There is a different between feeling down and being clinically depressed. I'm just trying to make sure you know what you are.

 

yes, i have been clinically depressed before (when i was in high school) and was on paxil/zoloft. all it did was cause severe stomach problems, so i had to stop taking them. the period of depression i suffered before was when i had "divorced" my father and started to live with my mother. 3 years after that, i met my ex, and my father was murdered...(no connection, it just seemed to happen that way.) i have always been very lonely, due to my shyness, and i have always only had 3-4 friends at any given time. as for feeling the same as i didn in hgih school, yes, this feels the same, i feel very alienated and alone, not very able to do much except sit here and watch tv and surf the net. i've tried to be proactive about things, and have tried to go out, but all i manage to do is prop up that bars, and feel like a loser cos i don't know how to talk to anyone i don't already know.

 

now for the other suggestions...i'm pretty sure i won't be attending any church services in the future. i consider myself lightly christian/agnostic. i believe in a higher power, and i borrow ideas from christianity to fit my beliefs. i never could agree with everything in the bible, or with everything that the pastor was saying. i am highly opinionated.

 

i'm trying to move out of my current appartment, buf i have zero money for a deposit of any kind ona new place. i'm hard to get along with because of my stubborness, so moving in with a roomate may be a bit much for me.

 

going for a walk...i'm not sure...i have a real bad knee that can hurt very badly when i walk for a while.

 

i'm not trying to paint the "the outlook it too grim to try anything" picture, but it sure feels that way.

[justify_yourlove]

Clinical depression could take years to get over and people react to medication differently. Did your psychiatrist suggest other medications? Those two are well-known but there should've been others available. A hard childhood could definitely add to your depression. Loneliness and shyness are very hard to get over and may take both time and effort.

 

Never ever feel like a loser because you did nothing wrong. You are such a strong person to have gone through all you did. Why did you want to move out of your current apartment? My suggestion would be for you to invest in the cheapest therapy you can get (both talk and psychiatry). If it's possible to put it on credit or get a loan, try that. That would probably be your very first step in terms of money.

 

A great place to meets all sorts of people are in school, if you attend. Most people there are easy to talk to and like to meet other people. If you can't there, try a local cafe. Practice "talking" with the mirror. The friends that you do have, keep in touch and see each other often. This will build a bond and will give you a support network.

[jdheinold]

Why did you want to move out of your current apartment?

 

i'm trying to move out because for one, this is the place i shared with my ex for 2 of our 5.5 years together...and the other reason is because it is beyone my means to pay for. i make 2x what the rent is, so my 1st paycheck is always for rent, and the next is for bills. in the area i live in, with expenses, its not enough. my credit is terrible, so getting a loan or credit card will not work.

 

as i said in my previous posts, my friends are very involved in their own lives. they hang out when they can, but its not often enough for me. i've tried to meet new people, but i just don't know how. being social is not something i'm terribly good at. i am looking forward to school, but i really feel like its too far away to bank on for meeting new people. my situation is now, not in 8 months.

 

thanks for the replies so far, it is certainly helping, tho i'm not sure by how much.

[Shadows Light]

Bad knee huh.. got one too. Try taking a walk around the block. Moving that knee is good for it. Counter intuitive.. but it truly is the best thing for it. Just walk around the block.. won't kill you. Get a set of head phones.. music helps. Force yourself.. and quit making excuses.

 

Get your phonebook and look for a "suicide hotline" ... talk to someone.. and see if they can help you find counseling.

 

Church.. lol. I hear you, I walk into a church and I am afraid the rafters will fall. My little hobbie is study of theologies.. sooooo... I've cultivated a respect for "all" religions. There are some Christian churches out there with programs that may help you, and they don't necesarrilly recroute heavily. Don't discount it.

 

You've been here before.. .do you realize that each time you step into it ... its deeper and deeper. You so need counseling and skill sets on coping. There's a book out there by a Dr. Burns.. "The feeling good handbook" he's got tonz of good things to say.. .and skill you can learn and work through on your own. Works better if you work through it with a counselor going through the book. But hey.. give it a try watcha got to lose right.

[justify_yourlove]

Actually, I did forget about those free hotlines. I know there's a lot that is completely free and confidential so that's a great start. I'm sorry about my response since it did mean in the future. I think meeting people does take practice so don't get discouraged by your current friendships losing touch. Many people natural grow apart as they get older. You're not alone although it can get really lonely. I could understand what you mean about moving to a new apartment. Try the hotlines for now and see if that helps in your current state of mind. At the same time, I'm sure you'll be investing in your new home. Good luck with it!