His girlfriend "doesn't know what she wants"

[tommyJ]

Ok, I need to know what people think about this. My roommate was going out with his girlfriend for 2.5 years. He is 27 and she is 22. She has just completed University which she was away for 4 years and they had a long-distance relationship which was hard for him, however he stuck it out because he loves her. The guy would give her the moon if she asked for it. So she completed school, and then went to Europe for 3 months. He still stuck it out. So she comes back and "doesn't know what she wants to do and doesn't want to put him through that".

 

They have also had sexual issues in the past where she didn't want to have sex with him. She would make excuses.

 

My question(s) are: If you really love someone, wouldn't you want your boyfriend there to support you no matter what?"

 

Is this just the easy way of letting someone go, because you really were not that in love with them?

[BillyJean714]

Easy answer: she's just stringing him along.

 

Sounds like he's a nice guy.

 

"I don't know" usually means, "I know, but I don't want to hurt you." It also could mean that she's too scared to let go, but she knows that in the back of her mind, she still doesn't want to be with him.

 

Best advice to give him for now: "Pack your bags and move on. You'll find better."

[novaseeker]

E"I don't know" usually means, "I know, but I don't want to hurt you."

 

Bingo!

 

Someone who says they don't know really knows that they are not feeling like they used to feel. In a way it's like a shorthand for saying "I don't know what to say" or "I don't know how to do this" or "I don't know how this will work", etc.

[tommyJ]

So true.

 

When I broke up with my ex, I kept saying "I just don't know right now".

 

I knew all too well that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

 

My roommate is in the denial stage right now and wants to believe that she will come back after a period of no contact. I just don't think that will happen.

[novaseeker]

So true.

 

When I broke up with my ex, I kept saying "I just don't know right now".

 

I knew all too well that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

 

My roommate is in the denial stage right now and wants to believe that she will come back after a period of no contact. I just don't think that will happen.

 

It's hard. The problem is that by doing that it just draws out the pain ... pain now and then more pain later when things become "final".

[confusedashell]

Its not always the case that the relationship is doomed when one party says "I dont know anymore". It really is a very individual thing and totally depends on the situation (life situation) the two are in together and individually. My wife said those words to me. I took it that it was all over. We had a very hard time in our lives, a lot of stress and so on for almost two years running, I was depressed, we fought, didnt spend any time together ad eventually pretty much forgot why the hell we were even together. Shed had enough of it all and while I totally disagreed and still disgree with how she handled the whole thing, I did understand what she was trying to say.

 

Well I fought for a month for her and finally just said: "if thats what you want, then ok..." and left it. Well after she got a little room and realised that our problems werent just with us but with a lot of other things, she came running back and we both agreed (after a LOT of talk) on what our problems were and that they could be fixed and most importantly we wanted to fix them. Now all is moving in the right direction - despite there been some reservation and suspcion on my behalf.

 

So, TALK TALK TALK...as HONESTLYas you can...

[BillyJean714]

Confusedashell,

 

True. It's not always the case, but in lots of instances it is. If the relationship has to escalate to "I don't know if I want to be with you", then chances are, it's dead. In some cases, if both people really love each other enough, they will make it an effort to revivie what they had. I'm saying BOTH.

 

Sounds like she's not quite feelin him. Her actions don't show it.

 

Maybe it's like a woman thing. With women we know how the other person thinks, we get a feel of what their intentions are, because it's a woman thing, sort of like how a man knows what the other men are up to. You know what I'm saying?

 

You can also call it a human thing, whatever. It's really this simple. It's just common knowledge 101 because: "You can read a lot about a person through their actions." Her actions don't quite prove to me that she wants to genuinely stay with him. When a woman goes into "party" mode, leaving her bf at home- either she goes clubbing and does her singlehood thing, most of the time (of course not all) that's when it's time she's already made up her mind about the relationship, but just strings the guy along, because she's not gutsy enough to leave him in fear that she will feel guilty.

 

I'm not a psychic, but that's just a tendency that we do. Same with men. When a guy's not into his woman, he will more likely than not, consistantly do things that single people do- go clubbing, bar hopping with his buddies, without his woman, consecutively, it's often because he's already pretty much made up his mind about her.

 

It's really this simple- a person can say anything they want, but it's their actions that show you if they truly value their partners. I don't see her as being that into him.

[Hawk]

BillyJean - you have hit the nail on the head. And ultimatley the actions lead to the words - it's just that it sometimes takes some time for the words to come out that match the actions, but once "party" mode starts then I am pretty sure that it's over.