Pushing too much over ring?

[StarBrite]

Boyfriend and I have been together going on 3 years now. We also have a very beautiful son who's 9 months old. The thing is, I know it'll be another couple years before we actually get married, due to other circumstances. But in the meanwhile I keep nagging him about having at least an engagement ring to tie me over. I guess I figure after 3 years and a child together it'd be about time. Then again my mom says i'm pushing him too much for it. And honestly, I probly am. He tells me i'll get it soon and when he's ready for me to have it. I know this seems like a petty problem, but I just feel like we love each other, know each other in and out, of course we still have problems but are always able to solve them, have been with each other this long and have our son, and thats all thats missing. I guess I'm just ready for the next step. I keep thinking maybe he'll surprise me for christmas or on our anniversary with it, but i'm not holding my breath.

[butterflycloud]

perhaps he is saving up to get you a ring- perhaps that is what is taking so long.

 

Hang in there- Im sure its coming

 

Congratulations in any event

[lillady898]

You have a man who loves you and a beautiful baby. Allow those things to be what holds you over. They mean much more than any ring. Rings aren't where the promises come from, the promises come from the heart.

[RayKay]

Hey Star - glad to hear you and baby are doing well, wow, 9 months old already!

 

Hmmm...I will say that pushing for a ring is probably not going to have the result you want. Even if he were to show up with a ring today, would you wonder if he gave it to you as he really felt it, or if he did it because he felt pressured too by you? Pushing someone generally has the opposite effect then what you want!

 

You both ARE still young, despite also having a child together, just allow things to fall into place.

 

Now, yes, it has been three years, you DO have the right to know where you stand, but you both have discussed getting married in a couple years, right? So you are working towards that, do you feel you are at least? Has there been a proposal? If you are working towards it, think of why you need a ring to "tide you over" - is it because you feel insecure about the marriage? It should not be something to "tide you over" - it should be something heartfelt, and from his heart. Perhaps he wants to make it special, even if it is planned, and pressuring him with expectations takes away from that element. Perhaps he is saving, whom knows. But I would advise you DO back off for a while. If in a year, when the marriage is a year away and nothing has happened (no proposal) how about you sit down and discuss it, but in a NON pressuring way, non critical way to see where things are going.

 

A ring should not be what is what would "complete" you two. You two should already be complete, and just be sure you are on the same journey together, it sounds like you two are planning on getting married already, so just take your time, and let it happen. Don't nag him, it DOES take away from the experience of it.

[SLMitchell918]

I pushed my husband after being together for over 2 years. Now things aren't so great and I'm expecting our first child. Try not to push him so much. He will make up his mind. I know it can bother you and makes you wonder why they dont want to propose, but hang in there. Don't expect it so much and when you do get it, it will knock your socks off.

[ratherbesailing]

Starbrite -

 

A couple of years ago my girlfriend really wanted this bracelet for Christmas that I really couldn't afford. At first she hinted at it, then she suggested it, then she asked for it, then she wined about it. By the time Christmas came I was fed up. The thing was, I had already bought her the bracelet before she started hinting. I wanted her to be surprised but what a let down it was for me to finally give it to her after all that pushing. I almost felt like returning it before Christmas and giving her a lump of coal.

 

I'm not saying your guy has already bought the ring, but I'm sure he's given it some thought. Anything you say beyond this point is just taking away from the enjoyment that he'll have giving it to you.

 

I know how badly you want the ring, but keep silent and let it come naturally. The quieter you are the sooner it may come.

 

Good luck.

[StarBrite]

Thanks everyone. And I know you're all right. It's just tough. For those of you who don't know me(I haven't posted in awhile), my bf is a couple years younger, thus the circumstance. And yeah it is a material thing and has nothing to do with how much he or I love each other. I guess i really am just insecure especially having a child and not being married or a promise to be. I know how people look at women like that, I was one of them. But I also know, when he does it, he wants it to be right. We've discussed things before which is why I know we won't get married for at least a year or two and we've also talked about the kind of wedding we're going to have. Which, is actually just going to be us by ourselves and then having a big reception with all our family afterward. And SL, it does kind of make me wonder sometimes, even though deep down I have no doubts he's faithful. It's just thoughts from my past creep in and tend to destroy that sometimes. So i guess it's safe to say i'm insecure. Oh! And RayKay, thanks for rememberin us Our son is just awesome, he amazes me everyday, and even though we're young we're doin alright and I'm actually proud of myself and my boyfriend for how much we've overcome despite everything. Thanks for the advice everyone. I know I just need to chill a bit and it'll happen, he ain't goin no where, hehe.

[ratherbesailing]

Starbrite -

 

For what it is worth, I respect you for keeping the pregancy and making a go at staying together with the dad. You are committed to your baby, you deserve all the respect in the world.

 

I also think you might be being a little hard on yourself thinking the ring as a material thing. I don't get the impression that you care what the ring looks like, you are hung up on the symbol of the promise and that isn't being materialistic. No one faults your for wanting to be engaged, we just know the male mind and want you to get engaged when it is the best possible time for both of you.

[Vanilla]

like the above poster said- the ring is not materialized ...you have a child together. He says he loves you, you had his baby...what more does he need to know? I am sure if this guy is honest and loves you and your child he will come up with it somehow and soon.

[Stari]

I know how people look at women like that, I was one of them.

In Sweden, unmarried parents are considered completely normal and not frowned upon.

[OceanEyes]

my bf is a couple years younger

So that would make him around 18? Would that be correct? You two have a heck of a lot of responsibility for being so young. Adding engagement, a wedding, and a marriage into the mix right now may have some serious consequences down the road. Not just for you, but him too!

 

Neither of you are going to have a chance to have that 'wild' stage of your lives, your sexual early twenties that are normally spent childless and doing something other than parenting and worrying about rings and weddings (although I understand what you're saying).

 

I'm not saying that your relationship isn't going to work long-term, but I do agree with your mother; pushing an 18 year old guy for a ring when he already has a baby and a committed relationship may prove to be a bad idea. Even if he doesn't say it, he probably feels overwhelmed with very heavy responsibilities most of the time (as you probably do as well). He watches his friends go to parties, college, and other things that normal young guys do, while he is worrying about buying diapers and whether or not he will be able to provide enough. All I'm saying here, is that he's probably already feeling like he's giving as much as he can, for the time being.

 

If he is telling you that he loves you, and is good with his baby, then I would strongly recommend backing off about the ring for now. He's still got some growing up to do, which shouldn't be rushed by adding even further pressures and responsibilities into the mix. Take your time! Enjoy your lives for now. Trust that he'll come around and that everything will work out.