Why is it so hard to understand that an ex is an ex for a reason!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Kellbell, I see your point, because I was kind of in your "ex's" shoes concerning my own relationship. My ex bf (who dumped me), he could not stand that I was so connected with my first ex (the gay guy). I had a bad tendency to talk to him all the time on the phone, even when I was out with the current bf. Part of that has to do with the fact that I was afraid to trust the bf even though he was so nice and loving to me, and part of it was that I didnt feel that I was on the same level with the bf in terms of thought processes, likes and dislikes, and I was able to open up to my first ex better.

 

My attachment to my ex ultimately killed my current relationship. After a while, my current bf could not handle my attachment to my ex and he dumped me. Funny thing is all the women he has dated before (both long and short term) have always had attachment issues to other people in their lives (like their exes) and all of them, except for his first ex (she left him because she didnt think he could get his life together enough to have a life with her), left him to go back to their exes. I kept in close contact with my ex, but I also continued my relationship with the current bf. It was just only into the second year when I started to lose my feelings for the current bf, that I began to drop my current bf to hang out with the ex more. I did that for a long time (5 months) before the current ex got tired of it and dumped me.

 

I am not sure if I will ever be able to let go of my first ex (the gay guy), we have a very good friendship and he does have a bf, but he makes sure that I have a prominent place in his life. When he first found his bf, his bf hated his relationship/friendship with me and tried to force him to dump me out of his life. He stood up to him even though he was very in love with him and forced him to accept me. HIs bf and I dont get along very well and there is a lot of animosity between us.

[WyseOne]

Hey, don't give up. There are men out there that are like that. You just need to find one. It really is unfortunate what you had to go through.

[SALLY_ANNE]

if you want to shed light on where to start looking wyseone id be more than happy to listen. just that where im from it is a very "bloke" mentality in that there is no effort made by them whatsoever anymore. they expect the girls to come to them (and the little tramps looking to "pick up" for the night suite them just nicely) it is just unfortunate that my moral standards i.e. i don't like pornography, strippers or anything like that, i don't like my boyfriend to hang out in single scenes i.e. bars, pubs and clubs with all his single mates so he can "pull chicks" for them whilst they all get completely drunk and who knows what else goes on by that stage, i am willing to understand that he has female friends but these should be people he sees on occaision at a suitable time i.e. never in the pm and in a reasonable setting i.e. 1hr lunch/coffee not out in a nightclub, out to dinner alone etc. there are various other things but no use discussing further. where I come from this kind of want in a relationship is considered high maintenace because they know that there is some lil tramp just round the corner that isn't gonna ask any of this from them. My dilema is this. Some guys through previous behaviour have influenced girls to act with very low morals and accept everything without question and they do this. So with girls doing this how a us decent women supposed to find a decent guy if the standards on a whole have been dropped?

[WyseOne]

That is funny, what you just described that you are looking for is me to the letter. Well except for one thing but it is something I share with my partner only if she is comfortable with it.

[SALLY_ANNE]

well wyseone spread your thoughts with your friends and maybe other guys will finally catch on and perhaps us girls will have a bit more choice in this world

- thanks for listening and contributing

[SALLY_ANNE]

Thanks all for listening and contributing. I know I sound a bit harsh at times and yes is worse since I've had issues with ex's before but had these feelings beforehand just more stubborn in sticking to them now.

 

Thanks again...good to vent every now and then.

[WyseOne]

Don't get me wrong, I have done things that I regret in all my relationships however I also know that I come out of each relationship a better person due to the mistakes I made, I learned from my mistakes and I guess you can say I also grew up. What ages are these men that you have running around in your area looking for women like that?

 

Going back to the friends thing I understand completely. I did fail to mention that one of my ex's is really close to my parents, always has been and always will be however I have not remained friends with her, I have not spoken to her in years and I can't exactly tell my parents what they do however saying that they also respect my relationship and do not allow it to interfere in anyway so I can't complain. The other one just contacted me a few times because I still had her belongings in storage and she had given her mother some of my things, she contacted basically to get her stuff back and to send me mine. I did email her sister once to get a recipe that I really liked and the other times were for something I had installed for her sister and they didn't know how to update the device and they didn't know anyone that knew about the device, come to think of it now it was her sister that emailed me asking.

[Hope75]

These are alot of stipulations to place on a relationship. Does the same follow for you? It really sounds as though you don't trust men. He can't go out and hang out with his guy friends at a pub?

 

Why don't you trust men?

[WyseOne]

If he is going to "Pull Chicks" with his friends then I can agree with her however if he is just going to hang out with friends and she has something against that then there is a trust issue here. I had a problem with my ex going out with her friends but it was only because I was never wanted around her when she went out with her friends (long story) so that bothered me and I would be upset because it made me feel unimportant to her and felt like she was embarrassed to be around me but I would not tell her she couldn't go. I did get really upset once and told her I don't want a girlfriend that went to clubs without me and I know that was wrong.

[SALLY_ANNE]

hope 75

absolutely! they most definitely apply to me. I do not have any form of contact with my ex's whatsoever. I do not meet up with any guys I know when I'm by myself. i don't frequent pubs clubs etc. if i do go my boyfriend is there. if he is not there i do not drink, it is with more than two of my friends and we stay for less than two hours. I have also said to him that if anything i do makes him uncomfortable i will gladly stop doing it (of course if there are no double standards).

 

Let's pose the situation that he is not going to the pub to pull chicks and he is just there to catch up with mates. They get blind drunk when they are together and there are too many opportunities in pubs for something to occur that i won't like. i.e. a girl flirting with him and hanging all over him or worse him oding something he can't even remember because he was so drunk. if he wants to get that drunk when he catches up with his mates why can't they just go to someone's house to do that??? i'll tell you why because the friends aren't there to just catch up they are there to find chicks cause they are single and a pub is a single environment. and because all his friends are single they try and encourage him to join in. i just don't like that aspect of it is all. not that i don't trust him. i don't trust his mates, the alcohol , the other girls (who couldn't care less if he was taken or not) or the environment . It is a disaster waiting to happen.

[Hope75]

I think you are off about trusting your bf. It seems a bit exagerated that if your guy goes out, everyone is off their butts drunk and all are there to pick up women. Or that all single women are drunk and falling all over the men.

 

My guy has a few single friends, but most of them are married or with someone. If they go out to a pub for a few drinks without the ladies, that doesn't mean that drunken women are going to be falling all over them. He knows how to control himself and doesn't go overboard with the liquor, nor would he be letting any girl touch up on him or fall all over him. If your guy is in a relationship and he respects and loves you, it doesn't matter what his friends are doing, he's not going to follow suit.

 

It goes with the same vein when I go out with my girlfriends, some of which are single and others who are attached, as am I. My single friends might be eyeing a guy, but if one came up to me I would let him know I was attached, because I love and respect my boyfriend and want to be with him. I'm just not interested, and neither is my boyfriend.

 

We trust and respect one another.

 

What you are proposing sounds more about control.