Betrayed

[MikePeters]

Well I just found out tonight that my girlfriend of 2 and a half years has cheated on me. We were supposed to get engaged this year, but things have been headed south for a while and it finally came to a crashing hault tonight. I havent slept all night and I stumbled accross this forum, guess this is the best place I can find right now to vent some of my frustrations.

 

Anyways I loved this girl with all my heart and according to her she loved me too. I moved out about 5 months ago because things had deteriorated quite badly. I have trust issues with her and this has gradually escalated as our problems got worse. Anyways tonight I checked her e-mail which I know I shouldnt have done, but things have just been so bad this week I had to know. Anyways I discovered the worse, that she made out with some guy while on a business trip and that she has been flirting with him for months. Then the e-mail continued to state that she actually ended up in bed with another coworker, and well it goes on....

 

Well I am totally crushed, just last week she bought me this stupid book about building a good marriage and wrote me a card how she wanted a fresh start and this is what she believed were some important values blah blah. Now I am sitting here questioning the last 2 and a half years of my life, how could I have been so stupid, has love really blinded me this badly, or I have I just been conned by a cold hearted ****?

 

She has a daughter that I have grown very attached to over the past 2 years and now that is stripped away from me. I can never be with someone that is not honest an definently I will not be with someone that is unfaithful. Technically we are broken up but even still I feel deeply betrayed and I am just completely in shock. Anyways I just dont know how to deal with this, I finally know that she is not the one and that all of my suspicions have most likely been true. How can someone tell you they want to have your child and marry you and then go and do something like that, I have lost all my faith in love right now and I really don't know how I will be able to overcome this.

 

Thanks for listening....

[waylon]

Have you confronted her about it yet..?

 

What she has done is totally unacceptable there's never an excuse for cheating.

 

Whatever you do don't allow her to justify her actions by saying negative things about you.

[RandomAdvisor]

I feel for you. A complete turn around like that has to really hurt. One second you're talking marrige, the next you find out she's been with other men. Still, it seems like this wasn't a total shock. You went snooping and your suspicions turned out to be well founded. It sounds like the relationship was deteriorating well before that if you were argueing and moved out. If that's the case after only 2.5 years, marrying her would be a big mistake even without the cheating. Sometimes you have to work on a relationship and it can be well worth it. But when you have to work that hard that soon, it's not meant to be.

 

What do you mean technically you are broken up? Did you break up when you moved out? If so, then I think technically what she did wasn't cheating. Some clarification would be nice. I have to second waylon's advice that talking to her about this is probably a good idea. Tell her what's on your mind, also listen to what she has to say. I'm assuming that during the course of that conversation you'll be letting her know the marriage is off.

 

Going to no contact with her is probably best. If you're new to the forum you might not be familiar with it. No contact (NC) is advised a lot here. It's pretty self explanatory. No contact with them at all. You make no attempts to contact her (phone, e-mail, text, in person, whatever) and at the same time you completely ignore her attempts to contact you. If you are already moved out, that will make things easier.

[MikePeters]

Well by saying "we are broken up" I mean that neither of us said that we were together. But don't get me wrong, this is a girl I was planning on marrying, the way I saw it was that we were taking some space. Nothing in there about seeing other people. On Sunday she bought me a book about what it takes to build a good marriage, on Thursday she is in bed with another guy! So you know what I mean yeah, obviously I was under the assumption that we were working things out, she fed me so much crap about wanting to have my baby and getting married I guess I was blind.

 

As for confronting her, I have I called and left a message telling her what I had done and that I knew. And I sent her an e-mail telling her how completely choked I was, and that I never intended to talk to her again. And as for NC I totally agree, its done for good. She lied to me about doing drugs just over a year ago, and since that day I have never trusted her. And obviously I should have trusted my gut and walked away a long time ago.

[RandomAdvisor]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things with regards to the future. It's over, and you're not going to get back together with her to give her another opportunity to hurt you. The only other thing I can really suggest is that you make sure you learn a lesson from this relationship at least. No relationship is a waste even when we're hurt as long as we walk away knowing something. There's a good thread on performing a post relationship autopsy here.

 

 

[MikePeters]

Yeah its hard, but for the first time in a long time that I am in control. I have felt like I have been bending everything for her. And I guess I caved in too far, because she has walked all over me and I let her.

[Hope75]

Has she responded to your message or email yet?

[MikePeters]

Nope, not a word. The funny thing is she is probably mad at me for checking her e-mail. But I am just relieved to finally know the truth, I guess better to find out that way than to have bought her an engagement ring and then found out later down the road. Obviously I just wasnt enough for her.

[MikePeters]

Thanks for your guys input it helps. Well its day 3 for me now, not a word to her. I still feel deeply betrayed and am having a hard time accepting what has happened. I feel sick all the time and i havent really eaten that much in the past few days. I still can't get over how she could do that to me? I don't understand why would she say all that stuff to me, if she had feelings for someone else for months? Was I just a fool, i feel like I just ignored what I really felt inside and all I wanted todo was believe her. She said to me a few weeks ago "do you think that we are still in love?" I said yes and told her that things would work out, I asked her how she felt and she said she felt the same way. It felt like such a real moment at the time but now I am looking back at memories like that and I just don't get it. How could she do this to me?

 

Also there has been no response back from her, in my e-mail that I sent her I asked her for a ring back that I had bought for her this summer, a promise ring which i was trying to show her how committed i was to her, it makes me sick to think of her wearing it with someone else. I dunno im just looking for some feedback I guess I kinda thought she might have replied to me maybe appologise for what had happened or something, but she hasnt did she just really not care? Was I just taken for a ride by this girl? I feel sick.

[RandomAdvisor]

Was I just taken for a ride by this girl?

 

Quite possibly.

 

Cheaters in general tend to be selfish. They are thinking of themselves only when they should be thinking of their relationship. From everything you have said, I think it's possible she was confused about what she wanted, so decided to have her cake and eat it too. I think the fact that she hasn't tried to contact you once in three days says a lot though. That makes me think she's not interested in getting back together.

 

Were you taken for a ride? I don't know. Did you buy her many gifts other than this ring? If so, maybe she was using you. As far as the ring is concerned, I would really just let it go if it wasn't that expensive. If it was though, then you may want to make go to her house when you know she is home to ask for the ring back. If she refuses, then your only option is to sue which may be more trouble than it is worth.

[MikePeters]

Yeah thats what I thought too, I think she is selfish. I don't think she will call or text, probably things are going well for her, so im sure its easier for her just to be mad. She is a single mother with a drug problem and she used to be a stripper, its a lot for a guy to take on. I accepted all of it, fooled by her lies. But I won't be there for her this time when things come crashing down again, I can't believe that she is so stupid, of course every guy wants to sleep with her, but I dont think many guys out there would accept all of her baggage.

 

Although it hurt so bad to discover the truth the way i did, im glad that I know the truth. I don't think she would have ever admitted to me or herself that she wanted something else. I just feel really let down, when you have such strong feelings for someone and they make you believe that they feel the same way and want the same things it really hurts. The ring did cost me a lot of money I really couldnt afford it when I bought it, but I just didnt want to lose her at the time. I do want it back so I am hoping that I receive it in the mail this week so that I do not have to ask her for it again, the money is not the issue for me though its really the thought of her actually wearing it when she is with someone else, it really just makes me sick.

 

I wake up in the mornings and it really consumes me, I find waking up is the hardest part. The fact that I know I have to face another day with the pain. I just can't believe that she would do that to me, I called her several times that night and she was with another guy, it just makes me sick that she could do that to me. I tore myself up that weekend thinking I had made a mistake for fighting with her and she just sat there and let me.

[RandomAdvisor]

I dunno...somehow I have the feeling she's not mailing it back to you. And if you ask her for it in person, there's a good chance she may refuse to give it back. If this was an engagement ring I would say you'd get it back for sure in court. But it wasn't an engagement ring, so I'm not sure how things would play out. Are any other posters familiar with precedent for non engagement rings being disputed?

[MikePeters]

Why would she not give it back? We have been together for almost 3 years, I just can't believe that she doesnt love me. 2 weeks ago we were talking about marriage and now this? Can things really have changed that much or is it just anger and frustration?

 

I have had no contact now for 4 days and I have been thinking about the good things, this feels like such a waste. I really wish I knew how she felt, but I guess I cant expect to know that because in my e-mail I did say that I didnt care and that I didnt want to ever hear from her again. I have begun writing her a letter about how I feel, and just about everything. I feel like there is more that I need to say to her but I have not had the opportunity, I am not ready to speak to her on the phone or in person for that matter. I am not intending on mailing it until the end of the week, see if the ring shows up and see how I feel first. I feel like I just don't want to give up, but it is hard to know what todo without knowing her thoughts. Is this repairable or should I be focussing on moving on? If we had not been talking about marriage and children I think this would be a lot easier.......

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't think this is fixable. Your post title really hit the nail on the head. She betrayed you, and after you found out she hasn't even tried to apologize yet. It would be a terrible mistake to marry this woman, or even continue a relationship with her.

 

Why wont she give it back? I've heard many stories about women being vindictive with jewelry after a breakup. She may yet give it back when you ask. But don't be surprised if she doesn't.

[Hawk]

Mike - it's how it happens. Before I broke up with my ex we were still talking about getting married, spending the rest of our lives together all that stuff. Sometimes I think they just go along with what you are saying because the don't have the guts to break it off at that point - obviously they then move to a point where they can.

 

You will always think about the good times, but I think what she did you is pretty awful and I would be focusing on that stuff as a way to move on. This girl cannot be that good that you would be prepared to put up with that sort of treatment just to have her in your life?

[atl_girl]

I can feel your pain. While I've never had someone in a long term relationship cheat on me, when I dated someone last year, they were on the rebound and talking to their ex the whole time they were seeing me.

 

Anyway, it'll take time for you to heal of course, but know you're not alone. I can tell you one thing I've learned. Although there are a few exceptions, people that cheat almost ALWAYS regret it later. They might not at first, but it will usually come back to haunt them. I don't know how much better this will make you feel, but I really do believe she will regret cheating on you like she did...even if she doesn't admit it to you.

 

All you can to is lick your wounds and move on. Won't be overnight but hopefully you'll be able to trust again. It can be done someday!

[MikePeters]

Well I broke NC yesterday, I honestly couldnt take not knowing anymore. We talked for a little, but not much really came of it. She sort of blamed me for what happened she said "she figured she might as well be guilty of what i had been accusing her of." She said that she loved me that she didnt want things to turn out the way that they had. She said she felt very confused and she wasnt sure what she wanted anymore. The way I see it is that I have made the effort, and I feel better having talked to her. I gave her an ultimatum that if she truly loves me and really wants things to work out she would come and see a relationship counscellor to get professional help and if not then we will go our own separate ways. I truly do love her and we have been through so much together it would be a shame to see it end like this, but the way I see it is that she should know deep down what she really wants, I have taken the step by seeking professional help so if she decides not to come I will be moving on.

[RandomAdvisor]

She sort of blamed me for what happened she said "she figured she might as well be guilty of what i had been accusing her of."

 

Well, she sounds very remorseful.

 

You mentioned you had trust issues, but I don't remember you mentioning you had accused her of cheating before she actually did? Why? Was it just your irrational trust, or were there actually signs she had done something?

 

 

I think it's a mistake to even consider getting back together with her, with or without professional help. She was talking to you about marriage at the same time she was cheating on you! Do you honestly think you'll be able to spend the rest of your life with her, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health without her betraying you again?

 

If you do, I have a real estate opportunity you absolutely can't pass up. Some nice waterfront property...

[MikePeters]

Well here I am again....the same place I was 2-3 weeks ago. Last week she agreed to come and see a couscellor with me, it went well. We spent everyday together since last week and everything went great, we just hung out, went out to eat, watched movies and just spent time together. It was all I ever wanted from her, we talked again about marriage and having children again.

 

But yesterday we were headed to our next counscelling session, I asked her in the car if she wanted to see other people. It was obviously something that was in my head for good reason, she said she didnt know. I don't understand how we can sit there and talk about marriage and having kids and then she can't tell me that I am the only one! Anyways it started off as arguing and snowballed into something else. She told me that she just wanted it to be over and that she doesnt need me, it really hurt. It hurt so much and I just wanted her to feel the same way, so I lashed back, I said a lot of hurtful things to her, things that I can never take back.

 

I have not wanted to believe that this was over, but really it ended a long time ago, it ended when I moved out. There is too much pain and hurt on both sides that this can never be repaired. I now feel really bad about the things that I said to her, I really dug deep and said everything I could to hurt her........she was crying and she started hitting me. I am so sad that things have come to this point, I really loved her more than anything in the world. But now its over, I have to let her go. I know now that we cant be together, its like we have said too much togo back, too much has happened.

 

Right now I feel completely defeated, I don't feel like anything else matters. I have put so much into this relationship and I have failed. I know what I dont want to happen yet I am helpless when it comes to stopping it. I know that I have to let her go, I really do lover her so much and because I do I have to let her go, I am just not the right guy for her. No matter how much I want to be. I feel lost, like my life has no meaning anymore. She was it for me and I don't know how to even begin getting over her ](*,) All of this only happened yesterday but right now I just dont know where to even start.

[RandomAdvisor]

Right now I feel completely defeated, I don't feel like anything else matters. I have put so much into this relationship and I have failed.

 

I can understand that you're upset over this, but you really shouldn't beat yourself up over this. You could make a relationship work with only a fraction of the effort you put into this one...providing you are with the right woman. She is obviously not the right woman. You asked her the right question. There you were again talking about marrige and kids, and she couldn't even tell you that she knew you were the only one for her.

 

I really don't know what else to say. I think you have come to the correct realization on your relationship with her and what kind of future you have together - none. Take some time to heal and get over her, and try again. I'm certain you can find someone better for you.

[yeawutever]

Seriously, why waste ur time for this girl, she proved to be trash, well that's the only word I can think of. Reason why she sought counseling, she's just going along the lines, she didn't even beg for forgiveness, she even partly blame u. I don't really think she wants to work it out, I think she wants u to go away.

[yeawutever]

Besides, thats so gross, proposing marriage while at the same time having feelings and being in bed with someone else.