The rest of the story:My Life

[Heartless01]

I was raised until 15 years old in a family with multiple types of dysfunction and abuse.

 

The mother: (the bio mom) was 15 when I was born. A child at best. Bad beginning..

The father: I was raised to believe he was my biological father, though found out later the truth. (He was over 30 when he married the mom).

 

From my earliest memory, I was sexually abused by the "father". He would also beat me with shoes, books, whatever was at hand. If I commited an action that he disliked, he put me in the crawlspace beneath the house and locked it (longest time there 4 days) He constantly told me I was worthless, stupid, fat, lazy, and many other things.

 

The mother did nothing to stop this. In fact the mother is still married to him. She did not then protect me, and does not now have the least concern for me.

 

I was expected to maintain the house duties. Protect the other children on pain of death and when the last baby was born, I was basically his mother. He even called me mommy.

 

When I was young, the house we lived in was one of the premier homes in Dallas, Texas. As time went on, it was worth of condemning. We eventually were toileting out side or walking to the store to do so. The toilets were full to brim with defecation. Floors falling in...I cannot begin to tell you how awful it was.

 

The other children and the mother were also subject to abuse, of various kinds, though the harshest reserved for me. I was told it was because I was white.

 

No one was willing to stop or resolve any of this. The mother continued to lie to me.

 

I had the father coming to my room every night for 10 years. I told the extended family, still nothing was done. I was on my own until my aunt gave me a phone number ....that resulted in finding my birth father.

 

There are details I have left out. I mean only to offer you a background of my first 15 years. I have many stories. None of them are "recovered" they are vivid and clear. (I have no problem with providing details or answering personal questions on this)

 

This has effected every detail of my life. Pervaded every corner, niche and cranny. It is the hardest thing to resolve. Everything about me has suffered.

 

Currently by bad circumstance I am now living in a new house, with these same people. It is hell, and it is enlightening, and it is hard. I hope to be out by January.

 

Still, I have found ways to be strong now. My daddy taught me much. The rest I learned from research, and reading. **I do NOT reccommend The Courage To Heal book**

 

I will post more. It is late and I am very tired.

 

Thank you for listening to the basic outline of my early years...If you have questions dont be afraid to ask. I think it healthy for ME to be able to answer, and not feel any ill effects.

[Dregnought]

What i fail to understand is that your 38, yet your back in the same house?

And how are your "children" going?

 

I feel for you, and you will hear that alot. Im sorry that it happened, even though its nothing to do with me.

 

I do have something to add. Every hardship makes you stronger. And reading that several times over shows me that your are on strong person. In a way, your lucky that it happened, because now its alot harder for things like this to affect you as much.

[Heartless01]

What i fail to understand is that your 38, yet your back in the same house?

And how are your "children" going?

 

I feel for you, and you will hear that alot. Im sorry that it happened, even though its nothing to do with me.

 

I do have something to add. Every hardship makes you stronger. And reading that several times over shows me that your are on strong person. In a way, your lucky that it happened, because now its alot harder for things like this to affect you as much.

 

Yes due to bad choices made by myself and economic situations I am back in a house with them. The only good thing is that my children and spouse will be out within the month...

 

More of my own bad choices and things will become clear as I make more posts. Most of this is just to give a back ground and also to hear others insights and ideas if any.

 

Thank you for your addition...yes every hardship does make me stronger.

 

My kids are actually being well shielded from much of the dysfunction for now. Though we cannot keep that up for long...more later

[teacup]

wow.......how did you ever survive???!!!!! or come to terms with that?

[Heartless01]

wow.......how did you ever survive???!!!!! or come to terms with that?

 

Honestly I have no idea. I can say that had my real father not arrived when he did, I might not have survived.

 

Still gathering myself for more posting...

[Heartless01]

wow.......how did you ever survive???!!!!! or come to terms with that?

 

Honestly I have no idea. I can say that had my real father not arrived when he did, I might not have survived.

 

I also came away with my own set of dysfunctions that I have had a long battle with. I had to learn how to deal with other people in a healthy way, and I took a very long time to relearn that...

 

Still gathering myself for more posting...

[darkblue]

Heartless,

I'm very glad you decided to get some things out in the open, and bet you feel a little better for doing so.

 

You are a survivor. You are a fighter. You are an inspiration.

But this all takes its toll on you, emotionally.

 

Have you considered therapy? Or ever been?

[Heartless01]

Heartless,

I'm very glad you decided to get some things out in the open, and bet you feel a little better for doing so.

 

You are a survivor. You are a fighter. You are an inspiration.

But this all takes its toll on you, emotionally.

 

Have you considered therapy? Or ever been?

 

I feel both better and purged at the same time.

 

I do therapy Cognitive/Behavioral. This has been my saving grace truth be told....

[ShySoul]

Heartless01,

 

If you read this, please don't be afriad to share more of your story. Getting it out like this can be a good therapy and you have a lot of people here who will read and it offer support.

 

I am truly saddened by what you went through, no person should ever have to endure that. But on the bright side, you made it through. You are indeed a survivor and an inspiration. I know the pain must still burn deep, that it must haunt you. But know that you are better then all of it. You are worthy of a great life, and one day you will have that life. I'm thinking of you and hoping that things are going well.

[Heartless01]

Sorry for the absenteeism...Been taking care of getting out of a bad situation...and now am back...trying to figure out where to start again with posts...

 

Thanks all for listening...

[darkblue]

It's nice to see you back, Heartless

I hope 2006 is better for you.

[lovecrazy]

Heartless01- I am sorry that you have lived a hard life.

 

What was your mother's reasoning for not letting you have contact with your father?

 

How old were you when he finally came into the picture?

 

Have you ever confronted your mom's husband for the things he did to you?

 

Again I am sorry!

[Heartless01]

Heartless01- I am sorry that you have lived a hard life.

 

What was your mother's reasoning for not letting you have contact with your father?

 

How old were you when he finally came into the picture?

 

Have you ever confronted your mom's husband for the things he did to you?

 

Again I am sorry!

 

The abuse in my early life quite frankly sounds like a dramatic movie, but even more pathetic...it was real life.

I cannot beging to list the behaviors I have personaly had to overcome as a direct result of being raised as I was.

 

My mothers reasoning at the time I asked her as a child, was that he promised her it would not happen again and thereforeee I had nothing to fear...which is a bit like saying that the snake wont bite again...As I have grown, I have learned that it was actually worse than that. She simply would not confront for any reason for me. My real fathers spawn likely ened up that she resented me...many reasons...

 

My real father drove up in our driveway when I was 15. That very weekend I moved in with him and told him what had been happening. My real father is truly a good parent. I believe that may have been what began my will to survive the earlier abuse.

 

I have confronted my mothers husband many times. Thankfully after I developed a keen sense of self and my own boundaries. He denied it of course until one of his OWN kids informed him that they had witnessed the different types of abuse inflicted upon me.

 

Now he wont even speak to me, or be in the same room as I am which suits me fine. Especially when we are close to getting out of this house now.

 

I thank you for your empathy.

 

THe sad thing is that I now have to undo all the screwed up synapses in my brain to reduce or eliminate my own personal issues. Such as, trust in others etc...

[Heartless01]

I have ended up with many emotional and mental scars. I have problems trusting women and men. I am not fully functional in a real relationship but I do try and win most of that battle...

 

I have a very acerbic side, sarcastic and a scrooge....

 

Things that normal people do, think and want are usually quite different than for me. I see the world in a warped perspective at times. Family feel good movies make me want to hurl a lot...lol

 

But I am growing..learning and never letting anyother ever cross my boundaries again.