my ex has "moved on"

[nataliejulie]

And I mean "moved on".

 

Quick review: Together for a year, lived together, broke up in August, started "dating" again in September, broke up with me again in November. Now that second time around... he was great to me, for the most part. Told me he loved me, how happy he was, yadda yadda. The last week of October, I started pushing for us to get back together and I was becoming depressed being in "limbo". He couldn't take the pressure, and split. NO SIGNS what so ever. The last few weeks have almost been dream-like. I was 110% positive on how he felt about me.

 

Flip over to now: Talked twice in the past two weeks. He's so angry with me and I have no idea why. He calls me a who**, a b**ch, how I'm such a terrible person and the worst girlfriend ever. I never even did anything! Like he's forcing himself to think I'm awful!

 

Then, low and behold, a week or two later (not sure when it started, but it sure as hell didn't previous November 3rd when he dumped me!) He starts seeing this 19 yr old, bleach blonde child (he's 26!!) with no job, no goals, allowance from parents and not one thing in common with him! I saw pictures of her, and she's drinking out of a funnel, every picture includes her with some kind of alcohol and claims being drunk is the funnest thing ever! She should be with a frat boy, not some man who wants to be a politician!

 

He told me he hated blondes

He told me younger girls wasn't his thing!

He told me mature girls, with great futures and successful lives turn him on!

This girl is the total opposite of me! And all his other ex's for God sakes!

 

Okay, just venting. I KNOW I can do better. But this just set me back.

[Bigbilly]

Sounds good to me. Why should you care?

 

Sounds like he's just on the fast-track to a big mistake, and I bet this girl is more of a notch on the bedpost for him than some girl he may one day marry, anyways. Or, he's doing it to upset you, and it sounds like its working.

 

No contact, all the way. Sounds like he has nothing pleasant to say to you at this point, anyways. There's much better out there. And you know what I think? Some people never grow up, they just grow older.

 

By the way, the saying is "lo! and behold!"

[alonegirl]

The first time my ex and I talked after he broke up with me to be with a 19 year old (he's 27 what's up with that?) he yelled at me for 45 minutes. Told me I was the worst girlfriend he's ever had (I think our exs are related!), that I mentally and emotionally abused him, that he was miserable for the last year and half of our relationship. Here I am thinking ok he's over me he's with her maybe he can look back fondly at what we had but instead he hates me for no reason. I was upset about the call for a long time, then the next time I talked to him a couple of weeks later the conversation started out the same way him telling me how horrible I am then somehow I got him to admit the truth to me, that he was blaming me because it was the easiest thing to do, rather than blame himself or anything else he was blaming me. I haven't talked to him since that was about 4-5 months ago.

 

It's easier to hate someone then it is to realize what is really going on and feel guilty. I know it totally sets you back, it's like they are going through some kind of crisis and need someone younger to make them feel better. You sounds as though you are doing well just keep on that path.

[ratherbesailing]

Natalie -

 

The words I use to describe what you ex is doing is "re-writing the history of the marriage". Okay, you weren't married, but I was when my wife was having an affair and finally fessed up and left. She just couldn't be wrong and the marriage she described wasn't anything like the one I was in with her. I guess if she couldn't make me the bad guy then she'd have to admit that what she had done was wrong.

 

It has been a few years now and she was talking to my 20 year old son about what happened and why she was so miserable that she had to leave. He was talking to me about the conversation with her, relaying some of her stories and reasons and I asked him "you lived in the house during all of this, is that how you remember things being?" He thought for about a second and said no. My friend used to refer to her revisionist history as "the world according to Susan".

 

So don't for one second take what he says to heart, he's just rationalizing. I'm so jealous of all of you out there that get to go NC, having to handle the issues of divorce and kids with my ex was a bear.

[ZoeMatthews]

The first time my ex and I talked after he broke up with me to be with a 19 year old (he's 27 what's up with that?) he yelled at me for 45 minutes. Told me I was the worst girlfriend he's ever had (I think our exs are related!), that I mentally and emotionally abused him, that he was miserable for the last year and half of our relationship. .

 

Oh my gosh, why did you let him do that to you? He felt like crap so he had to make you feel like crap...

 

You should have hung up the phone! Let him yell into empty space for a while.

 

 

Natalie, your ex is going through his own little mid-life crisis. Like bigbilly said, go on with your life and stop analyzing the situation. He sounds very immature and eventually, he will come to his sense, hopefully. In the meantime, get yourself together and take care of yourself.

 

(((hugs)))

 

ZM

[nataliejulie]

Holy lord, he said the same words to be! That *I* WAS abusive?! When the hell was I ABUSIVE?! He's' the one who called me an idiot 100 times a day! And I never ever called him one name up until two weeks ago!

 

The difference is.. my ex actually STILL wants to be my friend? That's the last thing he's said. He told me, I'll talk to you in two weeks. I'm SHOCKED. If I'm so terrible, why talk to me in two weeks?! Then he says, you should call me a month from now and I will have forgotten about everything. Is he crazy??

 

However, this isn't the first time he's done this. The first time we broke up, he said the same stuff... and then we dated again a month later, remained friends between our break up and that fight.

[Trax]

NJ, this is nothing but a rebound for him. Sometimes they are the complete opposite of what you are or are somewhat similar. Either way they are there to fill a void, nothing more. Guess who's going to call you when he falls on his*edit* ? Yup, you. What you do at that moment is up to you, but I recommend NCing him and not letting him get to you at all. Dude's got some issues and is taking it out on you, instead of dealing with them on his own.

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear that you feel set back NJ....but really you aren't! You are beginning to see your ex for whom he really is. It hurts, but it's part of the process.

 

 

Maybe this girl makes him happy - maybe for some reason he has decided drunken, immature blondes are his thing. Now, I am pretty sure you would NOT want to be with that guy, right? Unless you too think being drunk is the funnest thing EVER! (said in that high pitched squeally valley girl voice!)

 

I remember my last breakup - finding out he was dating hurt...but then finding out WHOM he was dating, his attitude towards these girls and women, really helped me move on. In fact, I started wondering what the heck I ever saw in him anyway, and why the heck wasn't I moving on....because boy I knew I could do and deserved much much better then that!

[nataliejulie]

Moving on feels great. I do have set backs, but theres nothing I can do than what I do to myself.

 

My father, who is a man who never speaks anything positive, gives me compliments, or ever told me he was proud of me. Until last night. He said, "honey, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you that you've moved on from that man. You deserve better." I almost cried. It was a total wake up call.

 

I feel nothing but a fool chasing him around. No longer!

[Hawk]

RayKay

 

Does it help to know who they are dating?

[RayKay]

RayKay

 

Does it help to know who they are dating?

 

I don't know if it does or not. Maybe it does not make much difference..

 

In some ways it might not, as you can sort of distance yourself, but then you wonder. But when you do know, you can react much like NJ and be saying "why HER!", but you know...

 

Hmmm, I knew some of the people my ex dated, some I did not. I think ultimately it did not matter after the first person though - I found out when he dropped something off for me, and had to leave in a rush - he sort of wanted to test me I guess, and told me he had a date (at 10:30 on a Friday night...."booty call" in my books, not a date ). I did not know her, nor did I care too. I was just pretty stunned by it! After that though, I really had a turning point, after that I did not really care whom he dated anymore or even that he was. I closed the book, and started a new one!

[nataliejulie]

I kinda feel better knowing who he has interest in. Makes me laugh, in a way. That mean? I am so positive it wouldn't work out in the long run.

 

Then I think, if some barely legal girl with a peanut for a brain makes him happy, then so be it. I'm not that way... nor do I want my men to like that either.

 

His friends always told him how I was the most attractive girl they've seen. Not only that, I'm smart, I can hold a conversation and I have a super personality. I'm sure they'll "love her" too. heh heh. They are all either married, engaged, with careers, nearing 30, and have lead your "adult life".

 

He'll realize that sooner or later.