Help I am friend or more...

[madtolove]

Hi guys hope everybody is ok. I really need so help and advice so any would be greatful.

 

The problem - i use to work in a restaurant in a supermarket. I left for 7 months but came back. I use to talk to this girl who worked at the supermarket section. Only every now and then. When i came back she started to talk to me alot more.

 

I was on my break and she came and sat next to me. We talked and she was asking my advice about a problem she had. She was sort of dating a guy and her old ex was messing about and some how called this new guy and they where playing games with each. She was fed up. I just said switch your phone off. She made a few calls to them both but I didnt listen. I didnt think much at the time, but later on she asked what time i was getting off and asked me for a lift.

 

I did give her a lift and she ask for number and said she need somebody to talk too. I did met her up and we did talk. Her head was very messed up guys where messing her about and other stuff. A couple of other things she said about guys always cheat on her etc. Anyway we had a chat and I dropped her off, though that was the end of it, she seemed ok and I was glad I offered her some advice.

 

She start to call and text me alot and I didnt really text back alot and didnt want to be a shoulder to cry on all the time. When working she would keep coming over and talking to me. Well that happen 4 weeks ago and we have nearly spent everyday together. I think she is so nice and I havent tried anything funny with her. She said once that I was so different the way I spoke to her, that it was in a nice way. We hang about with her other friend and its fun. I have started to like her alot she seems she had a wall built up but she has opened up alot. I did try to speak to her and did say I liked her but it didnt end badly but she said her head was messd up right now with other things.

 

This was bout 2 weeks ago. We spoke tonight about alot things. I again sort of sneaked it into our talk. I just was honest said I liked but wasnt expecting anything but was letting her know. She just said she didnt know what she wanted and was tried as it was getting late. I still want to be friends with her but it will get hard. A few other things she gets a bit upset if we dont met up and if i dont contact her. What should I do, I was thinking of just not seeing her that often. See if she misses me and maybe it would make her know if she likes me.

 

Thanks

[heloladies21]

If you don't see her as just a friend, don't be just her friend. Your time is valuable. Save it for someone who's interested in you right back.

[ShySoul]

Be her friend. She has had a hard time with guys in the past and you described just what she is doing, building a wall around her heart so she won't get hurt again. I know its hard to deal with, I've dealt with a girl who did the same thing. But she is opening up to you, slowly but surely. She is seeing that you are different. But she doesn't want to believe it. She is so confused with her feelings that she is being torn in two different directions. One says to trust you, the other says its all an act and you are just like every other guy. It takes time to work this out.

 

If you start to not see her, she is likely to start shutting down again, cause you'll be doing just what she expects guys to do. If you don't meet up she gets upset, associated that before with jerks she has known before. If you get further apart, she'll keep thinking like that. You are in a very odd spot. Distance is likely to backfire. But staying there is hard as well. I recommend just being honest. Keep talking to her, keep being her friend. She sounds like she is opening herself to you and is likely to be interested once she has sorted out her feelings. And you are the kind of guy she needs, someone who seems to be a genuinely good guy who cares about her and wouldn't hurt her.

[Tigris]

You are just starting to build up her confidence the last thing she needs right now is for you to suddenly back off. This would cause her more hurt than the others have put on her together. It would be a betrayal of trust!

 

Be patient and I'm sure you'll get the result you want!

 

Good luck and take care.

 

 

[PocoDiablo]

I was on my break and she came and sat next to me. We talked and she was asking my advice about a problem she had.

You've been friendzoned. Providing therapy = friends.

 

later on she asked what time i was getting off and asked me for a lift.

Doormat zone - even worse than friends, now you're her personal taxi service. What did you get out of this? A goodnight kiss? No? Nothing?

 

I did give her a lift and she ask for number and said she need somebody to talk too.

Ah, the free therapy line. Friendzone.

 

I did met her up and we did talk. Her head was very messed up guys where messing her about and other stuff. A couple of other things she said about guys always cheat on her etc. Anyway we had a chat and I dropped her off, though that was the end of it, she seemed ok and I was glad I offered her some advice.

But you were kissing up to her, supplicating to her, in essense. You were acting like a child to his mother, which is all fine and good but does not lead to romance.

 

She start to call and text me alot and I didnt really text back alot and didnt want to be a shoulder to cry on all the time.

Good. Very good. You're right on the money with that one.

 

When working she would keep coming over and talking to me. Well that happen 4 weeks ago and we have nearly spent everyday together. I think she is so nice and I havent tried anything funny with her. She said once that I was so different the way I spoke to her, that it was in a nice way.

"Nice?" Did I hear she said "nice" about you? She's calling you a nice guy, which means she sees you as a non-sexual being, harmless, a little boy who follows her around like a puppy. That's not really a good thing for a man to be hearing...

 

We hang about with her other friend and its fun. I have started to like her alot she seems she had a wall built up but she has opened up alot. I did try to speak to her and did say I liked her but it didnt end badly but she said her head was messd up right now with other things.

Actions speak louder than words. She's clearly not interested in you at this point. First off, if she were, she would have wanted to date you from the beginning. But since you exhibited no sexual overtones, she knew you were still immature with social relationships and would not hit on her. You were in a word - SAFE.

 

This was bout 2 weeks ago. We spoke tonight about alot things. I again sort of sneaked it into our talk. I just was honest said I liked but wasnt expecting anything but was letting her know. She just said she didnt know what she wanted and was tried as it was getting late.

Again, she rebuffed your comments. She sees you as a child and she is the mother - she is in control of this relationship, and she cannot respect any man who would let her walk all over him. This is why she dates the other guys, even though she complains bitterly about them, they are men. They would not tolerate this behavior.

 

I still want to be friends with her but it will get hard. A few other things she gets a bit upset if we dont met up and if i dont contact her.

Sure. She needs you to do whatever she wants because it makes her feel good. It's complimenting her. But it does not fulfill her like a man does.

 

What should I do, I was thinking of just not seeing her that often. See if she misses me and maybe it would make her know if she likes me.

Well, you are so far deep into friendzone you'll never get out. Normally backing off like this would be a good way to judge her interest in you, but since you never asked her on a date from the get-go she's already made her decision about you. Remember, people make first impressions in under 7 seconds! If you did not come accross as a man and ask her out on a date within a few meetings of her, she has already tossed you into the "Not a man" pile.

 

If you really want to see if she likes you as more than a friend, ask yourself these questions: How often does she....

 

Call you and ask you to do something non-therapy (i.e., baseball game, dinner, dancing)?

Come over to your house?

Touch you - legs, arms, head, face, hands?

Try to be close to you?

Full-body hugs?

Flirt with you?

Dress up, wear sexy or alluring clothing?

Wear make up (i.e., spends an hour getting ready to be with you)?

Make you dinner?

Buy you something small?

Try to spend time with you - alone - such as a night when the parents are gone watching a movie at her place?

Invite you into her bedroom?

 

Women frequently communicate with actions, not words. If she really liked you, she would make herself easy to be with, she would be close to you, and she would do things for you. Dumping all her problems on you is NOT attractive, and is NOT designed to make you feel closer to her.

 

Sure, you could be her friend, and "help" her some more, but you are also doing yourself a big dis-service. First, other women will see that you are a "nice-guy" and a doormat. Believe me, it makes you a LOT less attractive to them. Some women will think you have a crush on her (oh, wait, you do! ) and won't show signs of interest to you, and others will think you are together with her. All in all, that means any other woman who is a potential partner will avoid you. You are literally missing out on other chances by spending time with this co-worker friend.

 

And believe me, there ARE other women out there that are interested in you. Have you ever looked up and tried to figure out who they are? Lift your head up and start looking at every woman and see if she is looking at you. If she is, go over and start talking to her. If there is any chemistry, ask her on a date - within 3-5 minutes - or you'll be friend zoned again.

 

And again. And again.

 

-Advice from the "Been there, done that" guy.

[ShySoul]

Or you could just follow your heart and your gut. Everything being said is speculation, you are the only one who is around her and know her well enough to decide what is best and what you want. It sounds to me like she is getting closer to you and is starting to like you. But her fears and past experiences have made her extremely reluctant.

 

I was on my break and she came and sat next to me. We talked and she was asking my advice about a problem she had.

 

Of all the people she could have asked for help, she asked you. She felt comfortable enough with you that she would trust you with private and personal information. Someone wouldn't share that kind of info unless they really trust a person, and trust is an important ingedient in rather or not you can see yourself in a relationship with someone. It doesn't say she likes you by itself, but it shows that she is willing to open up to you, and that can lead to more.

 

later on she asked what time i was getting off and asked me for a lift.

 

What did you get from it? A chance to spend more time with her and get closer to her. Again, it doesn't mean she likes you, but its a chance to be around each other. And the more you are around each other, better chance of something developing. Plus it shows that you are a caring person who is willing to help her out, something she needs to know that a guy would do given her past.

 

I did give her a lift and she ask for number and said she need somebody to talk too.

 

She GAVE YOU HER NUMBER. Even if she wasn't like you as more then, a simple kind act opened up the doorway to getting closer.

 

I did met her up and we did talk. Her head was very messed up guys where messing her about and other stuff. A couple of other things she said about guys always cheat on her etc. Anyway we had a chat and I dropped her off, though that was the end of it, she seemed ok and I was glad I offered her some advice.

 

You were not kissing up. You were being a good person and doing what any other friend would do. You were helping her out when she was down. This is something that girls love, as it shows they can depend and rely on you. You uplifted her spirits and that means a lot to a girl. As a girl told me, you can really impress and get close to someone by helping them through a hard time. You did the right thing.

 

She start to call and text me alot and I didnt really text back alot and didnt want to be a shoulder to cry on all the time.

 

She was expressing interest and you started to back off. Lucky it didn't backfire and she didn't pull away from you. Don't press you luck with this.

 

When working she would keep coming over and talking to me. Well that happen 4 weeks ago and we have nearly spent everyday together. I think she is so nice and I havent tried anything funny with her. She said once that I was so different the way I spoke to her, that it was in a nice way.

 

Nice is good. When her mind is expecting a jerk, she is pleased to find someone who is nice to her. She is touched by how caring and helpful you are being. You are being respectful in not trying anything with her. And she is taking notice of that. All of these things that make you a "nice guy" are exactly what she is responding to. It is why she keeps coming over to you and talking. How can she be seeing you as a lost puppy following her around, when she seems to be the one following you around? And being harmless is good. She's been with people who have harmed her. That's lead her to the confused state she is in. Everything you are doing is exactly what you should be doing.

 

We hang about with her other friend and its fun. I have started to like her alot she seems she had a wall built up but she has opened up alot. I did try to speak to her and did say I liked her but it didnt end badly but she said her head was messd up right now with other things.

 

She is introducing you to her other friends. A girl did that to me. She wanted to show me to her friends and see if they thought I was a good guy. Cause how a person acts when you are with her friends tells a lot. You seem to have done well. This was a good thing. She is being honest about her feelings. She didn't say she didn't like you, just that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She wouldn't have made sexual overtones to you, cause her past experiences would have told her that would just be inviting some jerk to take advantage of her. She is trying to avoid someone who would hurt her, and you not making overt moves is what she needs. You are being honest with your feelings but not pressuring her. Good job.

 

This was bout 2 weeks ago. We spoke tonight about alot things. I again sort of sneaked it into our talk. I just was honest said I liked but wasnt expecting anything but was letting her know. She just said she didnt know what she wanted and was tried as it was getting late.

 

Yes, she dated the other guys. But it didn't last and she got hurt. She wants to avoid that again. She is confused. She knows you are not like that, that she does like you, and that you could give her what she wants. But she is afraid of being wrong and getting her heart broke again. She is afraid that what she wants is right there and doesn't quite believe this is all real. She did end things abrubtly, not because she doesn't like you but because the issue is so scary to her that it is not easy for her to talk about. Ending the conversation early is a convenient way to not deal with how she feels and how confused she is, even when she knows she needs to.

 

I still want to be friends with her but it will get hard. A few other things she gets a bit upset if we dont met up and if i dont contact her.

 

It's not about being a man. It is about the men she has known. She things you are ignoring her and playing the same games they did. It hurt her then and she is sensitive to it now.

 

What should I do, I was thinking of just not seeing her that often. See if she misses me and maybe it would make her know if she likes me

 

Keep doing what you are doing. Be around her. Be her friend. Let her know occasionally that you like her, but don't pressure her into anything. She is warming up to it, it just takes time.

 

Call you and ask you to do something non-therapy (i.e., baseball game, dinner, dancing)?

Come over to your house?

Touch you - legs, arms, head, face, hands?

Try to be close to you?

Full-body hugs?

Flirt with you?

Dress up, wear sexy or alluring clothing?

Wear make up (i.e., spends an hour getting ready to be with you)?

Make you dinner?

Buy you something small?

Try to spend time with you - alone - such as a night when the parents are gone watching a movie at her place?

Invite you into her bedroom?

 

Someone who has been hurt in the past by guys and has built a wall around there heart are not going to often make these kind of signs. Do you think she is going to invite you to her place, especially if she is the only one there, and especially into her bedroom? That would again seem like inviting a guy to take advantage of her. She wants to take things slow, and isn't going to do things that says she wants to go fast. Her personality may not be one that would wear revealing outfits or get very touchy feely. And again, doing that would seem like inviting guys to hit on her, which she doesn't seem to want.

 

I've dealt with a similar circumstance. I did just what you are doing and was a nice guy. It worked for me. The one women who posted on here so far said not to distance yourself, I think she knows what a women likes and what the girl would need. The choice is up to you, but you seem to be doing everything just right. Would hate for you to sabotage everything you have going for you.

[madtolove]

Guys many thanks for your replies. I will give you some more information. Last week we did have a sort of argurement it seemed more like a break up. I was getting a bit fed up with just driving around. Anyway she asked to lend my car. I think this was a joke but i asked her more and was she just messing. It seemed not. I just though i was a lift and texted her asking what i was. I meant this in a sort of nasty way meaning iam not a doormatt. I think i was just feeling tired as well.

 

She replied your a good friend why and i said i see just a lift. She got a bit nasty and was trying to call but i could not be borthed and switch my phone off. Next morning she texted me saying why did i have to spoil it why cant we just be friends and that she was not ready to be with anybody but maybe in the future. Now i wasnt sure if this meant me in the future or somebody else and she just needs a friend who she can trust. This text was very early so i got up late and she must of though i was just igorning her by not replying back straight away. Next i get another text saying all the drive's and meeting up, you just want to get in my knickers and then she told me to bring some stuff she had left in my car. I replied back by just saying that iam sorry if she felt that way. I know that iam not like that but i will bring her stuff in.

 

She got another co-worker to collect them. Later that night i just sent her a text saying sorry i was feeling abit used and i think you are nice but if you feel that way then no problem we wont met up again and no hard feeling. She did get back to me and said sorry she didnt want me to feel that way and she was not using me.

 

Things got back to normal between us the next day. Now a few days later my phone was not on for most of the day due to my number getting changed to a new network. About 6pm it came back on and she had sent me loads of message. The first ones saying are you ok are you coming out tonight. The last said ok ignore me then. This was a bit mad since i did tell her about this but she must have not been listening. My friend at work said she must have come over about 4 times and was asking for my home number. But he said he didnt have it. He didnt really know why she was asking for and so she was just protecting me. Her mate told me that she was trying to get her to call me as well.

 

I made contact and she just said she though something had happen too me.

 

Today she calls me in the morning and asks me to see her before i go to work as she was not feeling well. I did pop round and she invites me in to her house. I just had a coffee and we just chatted. We spoke again later this evening, didnt met up though as i was working very late and again just a bit of chatting not very long.

 

From what i can see and know, she had dated lots of sort of bad boy type guys. Some have played games with her and messed her about. But she can also be a bit mad and she has called some guys and been arguing with them when she and her mate have been with me. She did get alot of calls of guys, she thinks her ex has given her number to his friends and they have been making funny calls to her. Tonight though this has me thinking alot.

 

This is all off putting and makes me think i am not for her. She does know i like her. I know she is not meeting anybody me and her friend from work had a bit of a chat with me. This girl has not said anything to her and i do trust her.

 

I am not sure what to do next. Do i stay being the nice guy and friend. She really is treating me like a boyfriend but with out the romance that comes with it. But if i try to make myself unavaible she gets a bit insecure and thinks i am being funny and igorning her. As i said we spent almost everyday together. I had a girl mess me about 3 months ago and that hurt really badly. All i did was try and be nice and i got used. I am scared to make the same mistake again as i dont think i could handle that right now. The wall has come down alot with me girl mate and your right in saying she does make out she is strong but i have seen a different side to her a soft side.

 

Many thanks and sorry for the long post. Needed to get stuff out.

[ShySoul]

Sigh... why do guys hurt girls and cause them to be that way? And why do girls take the anger out on the guys who just want to help?

 

I know just the kind of girl you are talking about. When you started to get upset and act like a jerk, even if it was just a bad day and a momentary mistake, she got super defensive and assumed you were using her. Then she got scared of losing her because she likes you so much. Her past has really got to her and there is no easy way out.

 

I wouldn't tiptoe around it. I would have a serious discussion with her about how you feel. Tell her how much you like her and how you would never hurt her like the other guys. Say you are willing to wait if she needs the time. But also make sure she knows how much it hurts you when she acts like that. Make sure she knows you were used as well and that you are also sensitive. She needs to know that while you are still her friend and will be there for you, that it isn't right to jump off the handle and go off on you. She can't be making accusations about you for no reason. Come to an understanding that you want to be there and be with her, but that if she keeps doing that stuff it will hurt you to much and that for your own peace of mind, having nothing to do with her, you might need to slow things down.

[madtolove]

Thanks shysoul

 

Ive tried to talk to her twice about it but again she came accross as not wanting to talk or replied that her head was a bit messed up. She also told her friend that she was not ready for anybody yet. These little things I mention about her are really starting to put me off. I think she does not see any harm in it but if she wants to develope something with me for the future possibly it will make me feel insecure with her.

 

We where going to go for a drink but she and her friend had already been drinking so felt a bit sick. I did pick them up but dropped them off. She sent a text saying soz and that she felt a bit sick. Next she calls asking where i was and to call her back. We had a little chat nothing about us or anything and we said good nite.

 

Do you think I need to not see her as much, just be a little bit busy for a day or too. I dont want to play games or anything but if i am not there as much she may start to think about what she wants.

 

Thanks

[ShySoul]

It's a bad spot to be in madtolove, no matter what you do there is a chance she will take it the wrong way or react badly. Someone who has been hurt and is emotionally fragile like that is not easy to deal with, its a very fine line you're walking. You've got to watch out for both peoples feelings, hers and yours.

 

In my case everytime we would try to talk she would either get defensive, try to avoid talking or turn it around on me. Sounds like your girl, saying she is tired, asking why you had to mess a good thing up. I would either be in comforting mode, end up not saying what I wanted to say, or get very mad and lash out. Sounds like how you've reacted, being a good friend but occasionally (and rightfully) getting angry.

 

So I wrote a long letter explaining everything. I said how much I loved her and how I wanted things to work out. But I confronted her with her actions and just how much they hurt. Spoke from the heart, total honesty. I also said that as much as it hurt me to do, that a little time apart was good. Now, only you can decide how much time apart you need. But if her actions are starting to really hurt you or make you angry, then its probably best to cool it a little so your feelings don't come out in a way that causes more harm then good. And if she doesn't show I desire to listen to what you are saying, theres not much you can do. She has to be the one to work on her feelings and deal with her issues. You can offer a shoulder and a caring hand. You can say that you will be there when she needs you. But you also don't need to be hurt in the process. It's not playing a game, it would be a game if you were going away without warning or in an attempt to get her to like you more. This is for your and hers own good, trying to deal with your feelings.

 

She may not listen to the letter either. Again, its all up to her and all you can do is try. So don't take it personally if things don't go so well. My girl surprised me and responded well to the letter, so good things can come of it. Just hold your course and do what you feel in your heart is best.

[madtolove]

Well back again. I see you have been thru all this before soul. I think your so right in what your saying. I am getting really bad doubts about this friendship with this girl. I would love to find out whats going on inside her head. She has necer met a guy like me before and does normal go for the bad boy type.

 

Will she stop texting her guy so call friends and i think some of them where guys she hanged about with. I think she knows they used her but not sure why she stays in contact with them. I think I just appear safe to her. She wants the male friend but if she wants the boyfriend its the bad boy type. I not sure what to do now. As you put it, if I try to find out whats going on she will turn it around and say she is not ready and thats what I am after. I think I so different to the other guys she normally hangs about with. Another things which has me thinking is a girl at my work said if a girl likes you I would know about it women are move direct. But for some reason she says that she thinks she does like me. Why try to spend all her time with me and call me all the time. The calling and texts to other people has stopped and NO i am not trying to change her or stop her texting other people.

 

They just seem to be guys she says she doesnt know and that an ex or what not is playing games with her. Also if she gets a missed unknown number she will call it if find out. There are too many strange things about her. But for some reason I keep seeing her. I am not sure if I am now on the rebound from my last ex even though we split about 3 months ago and broke all contact when I move to another location at work. She has also contacted me but trying to see what I am up and has not real intentions of getting back and I would not. This new girl mate of mine seems like my ex, with all the strange calls and behavour. I think I must attract these types.

 

What do I do. Ive tried again to talk to her about this but as we are not dating I feel akward as this would be what a boyfriend who say.

 

I get this feeling this is going to turn out badly.

[ShySoul]

Attracting the crazy ones... don't you just love it.

 

It's not a boyfriend thing to say, its an "I'm concerned about you, want to help but you have to let me as a friend" kind of thing. That's one problem with being a "nice guy," girls aren't use to it and often don't know how to react. I'm sticking with the letter idea. Just spill it all out then. Say exactly how you feel. It might feel weird, she might not respond in the best way possible, but at least it gets things out there. And if she isn't ready to handle it and deal with her issues, then you shouldn't let yourself be dragged down as well, no matter how much you care about her. You just ended up cause of something similar. Don't put yourself through it again.