Is he being a jerk or what?!?...

[notmyself24]

Hello,

 

I have posted here months bck about a guy I was dating "M"- we are still together (6 months now)..alot of our issues have been smoothed over- we are technically waiting to move in together (after he gets his BA in 7 months) in order to become the couple we really were meant to be- in the past I thought he was making excuses when he said he doesnt have enough time/money to give me what I want & deserve. Now I see that he just budgets his time really bad b/t 2 jobs, an internship, school-full time & friends (playing video games), family & me- its clear he has a full plate- but i often feel neglected.

 

I am a regular attractive female- part chinese/german, irish, american indian- I am petite (naturaly big boobs) etc...sometimes with "M", I get insecure. he is tall/handsome & he stands out- women check him out (when he cleans up, lol) & even flirt with him when i walk away! Not only that, but he looks around constantly when we are in public- he looks at everything, including other pretty women, who I notice as well. But, when i confront him, he just denies, denies....I know men are visual, but come on!

 

Last night we had a very long, heated discussion b/c I want to get hair extensions. I am from NYC & it is normal for women to want to be very attractive/look good/ be stylish. I was brough up here & he is from the Poconos (PA) & currently resides in Jersey. He sometimes doesn't shave & even forgets deoderant. he cares zero about style/fashion- mainly b/c he hasn't got alot of money. But, I come from a wealthy family- side note: I went to a $20,000 boarding school in the area he was brought up in PA.

 

We come from opposite sides of the world. He doesn't understand the competition to be seen as sexy which makes people notice you more- I already have a good personality & I am very sharp minded. Last week I literally chopped my hair off (it was totally PMS & hormonal). I did research on "real hair" extensions which are pricey, but well worth it- he claims I don't work/I am in credit debt- all true- but, I had been through some traumatizing things with him & he knows I was not thinking straight when I cut most of my hair off- i regret it terribly. I didn't have to tell him how much they cost, but i wanted to be honest- he does not pay my bills, we are not married or live together (yet), but he still want to convince me I am being superficial & throwing money away. He said that guys hit on me all the time & hair is not going to make a difference, just more guys checking me out... I told him that it was about me, not other men or him. I want to feel beautiful & young again- life was litterally stripped from me 3 months ago & I want to feel good about the way I look again- I am only 24, but feel so old!

 

He doesn't understand! he fell in love with who i was (he says), not my looks- I told him that he is just insecure that I will look better & he will lose me to someone that will love me more/treat me better- he said that nobody will love me more than him & I am immature to believe that a man would only look at me & not fantasize or check out other women wether we are physically together or not ...he said that all new hair was going to do was spice things up in the bedroom...What nerve! I know he watches porn almost every night, I found it on his computer & even watched it- I never make a big deal about this b/c it was part of his life before me- most women would throw it out/delete it, not me- does he realize how lucky he is to have a gf who doesn't care tha he whacks off to other women?!?

 

He is still paying off a $5,000 surgery & wants another one his stomach (lipo)- isn't that the same thing? He doesn't need that to survive, he can exercise, walk, have sex, etc...over 2 years, he has lost over 100 lbs so he feels that he deserve the surgery to take off excess fat that he cannot work off.

Why is he being so hard on me for doing something that will make me get out of my house more, motivate me to find a great paying job in the beauty industry & face the world a little brighter. Eventually, my real hair will grow back: not the end of the world right? he was so angry, it just makes no sense...Is he just trying to control me? Or is it just his own insecurities?

 

I have a questions for guys- Is it true that you will always look at other women & fantasize no matter how much you love the woman you are with or how beatiful she looks & how good her heart is...just wondering how many agree with my bf.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice. Peace.

[Dannysgirl]

If you're going to be using your own money to do this then why not?

[RandomAdvisor]

Yes, it sounds like he's being a hypocrit. You should tell him how you feel, and make the same comparison with his surgery that you did in this post. Your hair will grow back, and with diet and exercise he can lose the weight - it's not the end of the world either way. You're not telling him that he can or can't get the surgery because it's his decision. Same with you and your hair extensions. As for why he is doing it, it's difficult to say with certainty. I would suspect it's insecurity. Does he do anything else that would make you think he is insecure or controlling?

[Dannysgirl]

Notmyself, your boyfriend doesn't have a say in what you want to do to your hair unless you are expecting him to pay for it - in which case he can quite rightly say no as its his money.

Why do you need to get his permisson to do it anyway? he doesn't seem to require yours about the lipo!

As some guy said tell him he's being a hypocrite and use the lipo example to back it up. If he still doesn't like it well just get it done - there's not much he can do then is there? Whats he going to do break up with you?

[WildChild]

I don't necessarily think that he is trying to tell you how to spend your money but more of a statement of how he feels it is wasteful. I don't agree with the comparison with your hair to his surgery. When you lose a lot of weight, much of the excess skin has to be cut. Just because you are from NY should not be an excuse nor because you want other men to look at you for your hair extensions. And if you are that rich, why not ask your parents for money. I think his bottom line is that you manage your money poorly. That is something you need to look at, and by the sounds of it so is he, for when you move in together. I'm sorry sweetie, but you sound very insecure. That in itself is ugly.

[notmyself24]

Thanks for your responses, I guess it goes beyond- control & money issues b/c I know that he thinks that if I am more confident then I will meet someone who actually deserves me- I am not shallow/superficial as it seems & he always says how much he loves me- in fact he said it first only 3 weeks after we met! I felt it too, but it may have been too soon- we have intense chemistry, but lately, I have been turned off by him so maybe this is my way to get my self-esteem back...this is making him angry- he realizes that I am not as turned on by him anymore- that also had to do with anti-depressants I was taking.

 

When it is just the two of us- one on one- he is fine, affectionate. He is just inconsistant- one minute he is fine with me doing something, thenhe does a 180- he also critisizes my socializing skills...some of his actions do not show love, but he says the words MUCH more than i do. I say it when I mean it, NOT to manipulate- I am doing my hair no matter what he says- its just too bad he cannot accept it.

[notmyself24]

I don't necessarily think that he is trying to tell you how to spend your money but more of a statement of how he feels it is wasteful. I don't agree with the comparison with your hair to his surgery. When you lose a lot of weight, much of the excess skin has to be cut. Just because you are from NY should not be an excuse nor because you want other men to look at you for your hair extensions. And if you are that rich, why not ask your parents for money. I think his bottom line is that you manage your money poorly. That is something you need to look at, and by the sounds of it so is he, for when you move in together. I'm sorry sweetie, but you sound very insecure. That in itself is ugly.

 

Well, sweetie, I am only human. You do not know me or what I have been through! We all go through things, so judge me- and, yes, my family probably has more money than you will ever have & when x-mas rolls around, my bills will be paid. I am sure that YOU are the epitome of self-eseem & happiness, if so, i commend you- have a nice life

[WildChild]

notmyself24, I was not saying it to be insulting. What I am saying is that no matter what you do for yourself to make you feel better you have to feel secure within yourself. It is not about hair. It is not about justifying your hair to his surgery. It is not about being rich etc....

 

In your original post you pointed out that your man looks at other women. You in return want to get extensions so other men will notice you, then making yourself feel better. That doesn't sound right. You are in a relationship. You should want to feel better for yourself and your partner, not to attract other men to make your boyfriend jealous so he knows how you feel when he does it.

 

I am not certain what has happened to you in your past. I may be missing something here, and if so please explain.

[notmyself24]

I feel ashamed to call this man my bf now! I couldn't sleep so I texted him 5am to say "I love you" and he texted me back "I love you more"- he was still up b/c he was drinking vodka shots & playing Halo ( a video game)- this guy is 26 & almost became a father- I think the baby NOT being born was a blessing in disguise but I feel alot of guilt & cry for "him" everyday...

 

When I first met "M" he was insecure b/c an ex of 8 years ledt him & a few months earlier, the second girl he fell hard for left him fto return to her husband (the were separated), so I got his "damaged goods"- I dont believe that, but he is not the loving/sensitive man he once was- I have lost so much by loving him, but as much as I try to stop loving him, he comes back with all these words, and promises that sound so nice- then he is back to being bitter (against women/relationships).

 

It's not like he stares at other women, men check me out oo- that is part of his insecurity. He knows other men are out there (my ex), who are harder working, have more money, better looking, and just beter all around- I have to stop seeinghim as father of my child b/c he is dead, gone forever. Some souls are just too good for this world...my baby surely was & "M" wants to think that he was a father too- he never wanted responsibilty, so why give him that privelege, then he degrades me over & over- he knows he has a hold on me...

 

As far as money goes, thanks for your concern, but I already have a mother & I will pay it off that is why I am in school & will get another job in the city that is better- the hair is not going to make me more attractive, but rather add to what i already have & add to my confidence- sorry if that offends you. Take care.

[Dannysgirl]

I feel ashamed to call this man my bf now!

 

men check me out oo- that is part of his insecurity. He knows other men are out there (my ex), who are harder working, have more money, better looking, and just beter all around

 

I think these comments show that you should not be with this person. You clearly don't think he is good enough for you and if you continue this relationship more and more resentment will build up inside you because you in your mind think you 'can do better' you said as much in the above comments. Okay, that may not be a very nice way to feel about the person you supposedly love but I get the impression that you feel that you are dating 'below your station' but you are too insecure to end it because you are worried that you won't find somebody better.

 

 

If I am right about this you should definitely end it and find someone you feel derverves you and allow him to find someone who IS happy with him.

[WildChild]

I think these comments show that you should not be with this person. You clearly don't think he is good enough for you and if you continue this relationship more and more resentment will build up inside you because you in your mind think you 'can do better' you said as much in the above comments. Okay, that may not be a very nice way to feel about the person you supposedly love but I get the impression that you feel that you are dating 'below your station' but you are too insecure to end it because you are worried that you won't find somebody better.

 

 

If I am right about this you should definitely end it and find someone you feel derverves you and allow him to find someone who IS happy with him.

 

That is what I have been trying to get accross, but apparently I have failed.

 

If this guy is someone that you are planning on moving in together with, money is going to be an important factor. Any expert, relationship counselor or married/committed couple will tell you that money is one of the BIGGEST arguments in a relationship if the couple does not have the same idea in "spending." So no I am not trying to be a mother, but I am

pointing out that it is better to get this issue resolved now then moving in together and dealing with it then.

[Dannysgirl]

That is what I have been trying to get accross, but apparently I have failed.

 

If this guy is someone that you are planning on moving in together with, money is going to be an important factor. Any expert, relationship counselor or married/committed couple will tell you that money is one of the BIGGEST arguments in a relationship if the couple does not have the same idea in "spending." So no I am not trying to be a mother, but I am

pointing out that it is better to get this issue resolved now then moving in together and dealing with it then.

 

I agree WildChild, I think there are deeper issues here than just 'hair extentions.'

 

Notmyself, think about the negative way you think/speak about your boyfriend now and then times it by a hundred - that is how you will feel when you move in with him/get married.

If you were truly happy with this person and could see yourself being with him for the rest of your life you would NOT be having these thoughts, its that simple.

 

To stay with somebody you feel is beneath you and clearly has very different ideals about a lot of things, out of insecurity is unfair to the both of you. He should feel like he is 'good enough' for the person he's with and you should feel that the person you're with is 'good enough' for you.

 

Believe me I've been in this situation a lot too, I would date people who were totally unsuitable, uneducated, ect and I KNEW going into the relationship that they weren't on my level in a lot of ways but instead of doing the decent thingand ending it for bothg our sakes I carried it on until something happened to bring things to a head.

A lot of these guys proposed etc while I was with them but I could never bring myself to do it because I just KNEW it wasn't right.

 

The only person I have ever felt really did deserve me and was completely on my leve in every way is my husband - I'm glad I waited for him.

 

Believe me, if you move in with this guy you will later regret it. Not because he's a bad guy but e's too different from you for it to work.

[notmyself24]

Thanks for your advice- danny'sgirl & wild child- I am sorry for being snippy earlier, I am just frustrated- I really thought I could love him, now I realize that I do not- Please dont take this the wrong way ie. think that I am a bi**ch or snob, but I just do not think I am too good for him, I know it! My mom knows everything that goes on in my life including this & every relationship i have been in, she even says that I am dating below my "class"- she is a ver kind, intelligent, educated woman, a doctor in fact & she is not being mean but blunt & honest...

 

This fact has NOTHING to do with money, appearances, etc...but it is simply the way he handles important situations & carries himself- as a man, he like to date above his means. For example, right before we met, he was dating a high profile celebrity's personal asistant- a very attractive, wealthy woman. She would not introduce him to her friends or coworkers b/c of his appearance, ex. he never cuts his finger nails (he likes them long b/c of ocd). Shwe criticized him alot, so they eventually split. I, on the other hand, NEVER criticizedhis appearance until recently (out of frustration). It was wrong & I am not justifying it...so we may have broken up- the thing is, I dont even care! It is still confusing & hurting.

 

I really put over 100% of me into the relationship, I have given up & feel no love or attraction for him anymore & it saddens me deeply, believe me! Thanks again.

[Dannysgirl]

I don't think you're being a snob, Ive been in the same situation myself, when its not right, its not right. You will be much happier with someone on your level.

 

Good luck

[WildChild]

Bottom line, you have to do what is best for you. You don't sound happy with him, and for your well being you should be happy with who you are with. Do what you feel in your heart and always trust your gut

 

NHF, I didn't think you were being a snob either....it's frustrating when it's your life and for some reason you have no control over it LOL

[notmyself24]

Thank both of you for understandingmy plight. Take care

[OceanEyes]

he said that nobody will love me more than him & I am immature to believe that a man would only look at me & not fantasize or check out other women wether we are physically together or not ...he said that all new hair was going to do was spice things up in the bedroom...What nerve!

 

After reading this paragraph, I think I'm actually 100% convinced that some people are born without a full physical brain.

 

I think there are just certain things that should never be said in a relationship. Of course the human mind wanders; male and even female, it can't be hindered and is understandable. However, I'm not going to say something to my boyfriend like, "hey, I'm off to the shower to masturbate to the vision of your brother in a speedo". Whatever happened to having some class and remembering that we no longer live in caves, crapping on leaves?

[notmyself24]

Well, he has been calling me for hours & i ignore his call so it goes straight to vm- he left me a lengthy message full of I love you, care about you deeply- blah0 then he proceeds to tell me that he hasn't called in almost 2 days b/c he was too tired to fight wiht me...hmmm- he was the ONE who started the arguments. He was drunk the other night btw (oceaneyes) when he made those comments- is it true that the truth come out when you are drunk, lol...

 

I texed him back 30 minutes after listening to the vm- I told a white lie to get him off my back once & for all- I had told him on numerous occasions on the phone & in person that I need space to see if I will mis him- we had broken up a month ago, but continued to treat one another as bf/gf b/c ther was so-called love (& a baby bond) b/t us. The problem is that he treated me with little respect sometimes & other times he was amazing- never consistant.

 

He played the "poor me" I'm confused (I dont know) game long enough- he might have actually believed that I would never leave him! As I have stated before, I have lost a precious child in this, so it hurts, but it is like a wound that only time can heal- I never had the strength to just cut him out like this, however, i did it with a 4 year relationship that was toxic (he was a binge drinker: alcoholic). nothing is going to bring the baby back, least of all loving such a selfish man & letting him manipulate me. Sometimes when we play games we win, sometimes we lose- it sucks to lose at your own game, but it feels wonderful to beat someone at theres. I am not being vindictive, I am not going to take him back just to hurt him some more- it is over for good! He will call/text out of guilt, I am thinking that this is maybe the way he wanted it to end, who knows. I have grieved long enough- he always said that he wants to be friends with me for life- how can I have a friend like him?

 

I decided to cut my loses this time & text him: That I met someone new. I am drained, etc...the second part was true, first part, a lie- however, once I get my self-esteem back, I plan on entering a healthy relationship with a man who truly loves me & "only has eyes for me".

 

Thanks for all your kindness. Peace.

[notmyself24]

My very last text to him : Don't make things harder than they already are. If you call me anymore, I will change my number.

 

Whew! It was so difficult to send that- there was security there even though we were so unhappy- I think I did the right thing, it was such a release, but god it still hurts. Very early in the relationship I loved him, but after the loss of a child, I guess that love is replaced by pain...I have gone numb- yes, this was the right decision.

[WildChild]

Good for you notmyself24! Many people are afraid to leave for fear of being alone whether in an abusive relationship or not. He has tried to manipulate (which is emotional abuse) over and over by the sounds of it and you had the guts to realize what is best for you.

[notmyself24]

((Wildchild))

 

At this point, I just wanthim out of my life! We texted for quite awhile last night after only hours of nc- he texted me first around 10pm when I was having dinner up until midnight (I fell asleep) then the last text was 2am...I responded this morning, but that was wrong. I told him that I am changing my #, but he told me that I dont have to- he is still trying to control the situation, ha!

 

Actually, I just signed up for mys[ace- all the rage these days. I did reconnect with a guy I dated once, but beofre & after we dated (he saw my pictures before we met), he was infatuated with me. he is in great shape, a very sweet guy working & going to school & after 8 months, he still has not lost interest in me b/c he says I am someone not easy to forget.

 

My "x" knows of him b/c I used to update him on the emails this guy used to send me & pics of his brother's new baby, etc...he was very persistent, so we talked again on the phone last night, I made it clear that i am only looking for a friend right now, but who knows for the future...

[Vanilla]

Well, sweetie, I am only human. You do not know me or what I have been through! We all go through things, so judge me- and, yes, my family probably has more money than you will ever have & when x-mas rolls around, my bills will be paid. I am sure that YOU are the epitome of self-eseem & happiness, if so, i commend you- have a nice life

 

that was really unecessary ..."my family has more money than you will ever have"?...wow....how old are you? I hope not older than 16....is that how you react everytime someone gives you a point of view that doesn't agree with yours? ....maybe you're just lucky your boyfriend loved you, shaven or unshaven, mature or not mature...sticking around with someone who would even say that is enough to show he loves you.

[notmyself24]

((Vanilla))

 

There was a big misunderstanding b/t us & I did appologize- did you even read everything I wrote about me (now) "X"- he was manipulating, controlling, & actually, he did not love me unconditionally...other people (nt just me) thought that he was not the most well kept individual- I should have figured that out when he would not take a shower for 2 days, which was often- he was good looking, but in the end, I think your habits/behavior determine who you are.

 

It is not an exscuse to act rude, I know, but I was just under alot of preassure, I truly beleved he loved me, I was only rational when we were physically apart/didn'y speak, he knew that so he NEVER gave me space that I requested numerous times b/c he knew that I would leave if I had time to truly think about our relationship- the whole thing was draining & I just snapped- so I am very sorry once again for my response to ((Wildchilds)) advice...

 

Update: I changed my cell number & had not emailed him nor has he even attempted to contact me, this is going well so far.

[notmyself24]

that was really unecessary ..."my family has more money than you will ever have"?...wow....how old are you? I hope not older than 16....is that how you react everytime someone gives you a point of view that doesn't agree with yours? ....maybe you're just lucky your boyfriend loved you, shaven or unshaven, mature or not mature...sticking around with someone who would even say that is enough to show he loves you.

 

I understand that this is the internet,but how can ou judge ME on one thing I said- that one comment does not define me- I am not a bad, evil person- anyways, this is an advice forum- I would never intentionaly hurt/criticize anyone, so I got a bit defensive, sorry for being an emotional human being.