Confused by all means

[confused_confused]

I need a feedback from others. I've been dating my bf for the past 13 years on and off. We moved back in 1 year and 5 months ago. We share a 9 year old son. But lately everything is going down the drain. Intamacy is out the door it happens so rarely. He claims he is alwasy tired or it's hard for him to get aroused. This is off course after I found out that he was going on adultfriendfinder, hotornot, hotmatch and adultaction cam. He claims that he doesn't go on there to find someone but only goes on there to get aroused. When I asked if the problem is me, he states that it him. I don't know what to think. Trust is shaking. Why couldn't he just tell me this from the beginning when the problem started. Oh one more thing. When I first found the sites on the computer he denied them until he realized that he wasn't fooling me. HELP HELP

[notmyself24]

Well, it IS his problem- men are very visual creatures, lol. All men watch porn & have fantasies- of course us ladies do too, but when we we are in love, esp. have a child with a man- we have a special bond, while men may love their woman, they still feel the urge to fatasize about other women- its evolution & I am NOT defending a man who cheats or deceives women over the internet (i.e. leading them to believe that they are single when in fact they or married, have kids, etc..).

 

I'm only 24, but i have always wondered why men & women think so different about sex- it seems that the same exact frustrations come up no matter what race, age, geographic demographic...I am starting to become a female sigmund freud b/c these intrinsic differences b/t the male & female brain are facinating- I have dated alot & I ask men very candid questions (the truth only) even if it is offensive to females b/c that is the only way to really know what a man thinks...

 

Many men do not consider watching porn, seeing strippers, chatting on line (dirty talk) cheating b/c there is little to no physical contact- this is a major discrepency b/t men & women. Men also think it is the intent more than the action that determines cheating...

 

I am sorry that your bf is being so secretive. If je keeps things from you, you have every right not to trust him as much. He may be hiding b/c it turns him on more being a naughty boy or he may be a liar- you never know. I say, just lay low- act like you trust him & just observe, the ball is in your court. I am not saying to go through his personal things (email account, wallet) b/c he could accuse you of being untruting, then you lost the upperhand- I guess all women have to learn the art of detachment once in aehile. Not all men are like I mentioned above, a majority are...we cannot change them, its not our job. If you love him, you accept him to a point- if you suspect cheating, again, its your decision whether to stay or leave- just protect your heart. Be safe

[Shadows Light]

Your Bf said that he is visiting these sites to arouse himself. When did this start? Has he always used visual stimulus to arouse himself... or has it become a recent thing. Does he feel that this helps his relationship with you?

 

Making him stop the internet stuff... is not necesarrily going to bring you two together or be the "cure." Maybe you should seek counseling in the form of a good Sex Therapist. Someone who specializes in couples issues. Did his lack of interest start when the two of you moved in together???? I think a therapist could most probably ask the questions better, and offer their theory and solutions to the problems.

 

I'm sure that your BF, who has been in a long term relationship with you Loves you. And would do anything to make this end of the relationship work and all that it can be or once was... talk to him about seeing a therapist. In a non-confrontational, non-accusing way.

 

An aside: I've often thought that the BEST relationship or living arrangement for a couple would be where the homes were a few blocks appart. That way we'd maintain our individuality and keep a bit of ourselves.... for ourselves. When you live with someone, all the mystery is gone... all the odd-ball idiosyncracies we have are readily apparent. All masks come off. And... we start taking each other for granted.

 

Just read a book to my children the other day about "fighting" and there was a sentence in there about the proximity of friends. It said sometimes when we spend "too much time together" we fight. This in a childrens book!!! hmmmm... and it said.. sometimes we need time appart so we don't fight... kids need to do their own things and play with other kids. Hmmmm??? I thought... well, if that is the cure all with kids fighting amongst each other... MAYbe... just maybe this would be the same with ADULTS who live together. We love each other so much that we want to spend every waking free moment and share our lives with our loved one. And eventually what do we get... apathy, boredom, contempt, loss of interest, maybe even fighting and argueing over stupid things.

 

Maybe the key is.. when living together and sharing our lives. We need to live our lives as individuals also... and have "ME" time. That way the "US" time is more special... and we can truly share ourselves, instead of feeling ourselves possessed, oppressed or overshadowed by anothers life.

 

Take a deep breath. And look for a counselor. Don't be mad or accusing or scold him. You are problem solving.... not placing blame. Your BF loves you.. and he probably can't figure out "WHY" he is the way he is... or know how to solve the problem himself. Or he'd have done so.