What do you think?

[SophMd]

Its been almost a month since I got "dumped" by the ex...

I have been proud of myself for staying so strong but I feel like there was no closure. He talked to me over the computer after a week of not being together and clarified that the break was an actual break up....nice guy!

The problem is that I see him where I work more than I would like to...and he ignores me like 3 years together was aquaintance worthy after a break up. Actually at least an aquaintaince would be acknowledged...not me.

So basically what I am wondering is do you think he is completely over me? I know what he is doing with his time by reading a website he goes on...I read it when I miss him...the last post was about him making an emotional connection with someone he would never see again...as well as how he gets a lot of attention from others...this should not bother me at all...Because I went out and met someone last thurs. No matter what I find myself comparing them to him and thinking ill never find someone that I loved so much. What should I do...why is he ignoring me completely? we are both adults so whats the point of him ignoring me if he is over me?

[chaos]

I think you need to stop worrying about what he does and thinks. It's not your problem anymore. You need to worry about you. Focus on healing yourself. The best way to do that is to keep busy, and not by reading his webpage. You'll probably never know why he left and why he's acting the way he is. In fact, whether he knows it or not he's probably doing you a favor. If you were still "friends" it would make the breakup that much harder. No Contact is the answer. It's unfortunate that you have to see him at work, but that can't be helped. Everything else however, can be. Don't contact him in any way and stop reading his webpage. The more you remind yourself of him, the longer it's going to take.

 

I'm just over a month away from my ex. Unfortunately she still has a lot of things at "our" apartment so no contact is very difficult. At least it's minimal, but every time I talk to her it sets me back. It's getting less each time, but still... Like you, I also still read her livejournal... I need to stop doing that too, but her sisters been sick so, it's the only way to keep up on how she's doing. I really liked her family and it's a shame that the breakup keeps me from them as well... I'd planned on marrying this girl so, I really thought of them as my family also.

[smallworld]

*Hugs* SophMd. He isn't over you. If he was, there'd be no need to ignore you. Giving you the "deep freeze" is his way of NC'ing (no contact) you since you both have to regularly come into contact with each other at work. I know it's hard, but try not to take his rudeness to heart. He doesn't have the maturity or emotional fortitude to treat you with common courtesy, so he acts like a jerk and pretends you don't "exist." Ironically I'd consider the "freeze" a testament to just how much you meant to him at one point.

 

It's only been a month. If you find yourself constantly comparing new suitors to him, then you're probably not quite ready to date. There's nothing wrong with taking a dating "time out" and focusing instead on work, family, having fun, and making friends. I realize it can be lonely at times, but sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is take the time to figure out what went wrong in the previous relationship so that we know what to look out for in the next one.

 

Some of my best friends are books. If interested I'm sure you can find this oldie but goodie at the library...

In the Meantime : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant

 

[SophMd]

I just dont understand how you could be best friends with someone...and just like that...the friendship/love vanished? How is that? You are right about not reading that stuff...its just hard to completely let go. I truly dont think he will find someone as loving and caring as I was...and the worst part is that I dont even think he cares. I just cant grasp the concept of never being with someone you loved with all of your heart....maybe I am the weirdo for feeling this way.

[bsp_kjm]

I just dont understand how you could be best friends with someone...and just like that...the friendship/love vanished? How is that? I truly dont think he will find someone as loving and caring as I was...and the worst part is that I dont even think he cares. I just cant grasp the concept of never being with someone you loved with all of your heart....maybe I am the weirdo for feeling this way.

ur not weird. ive been feeling and thinking about the exact same things. i cannot understand how one day someone can tell u they love u and want to be with you forever, then WHAM! the next day they cant even look at u. believe me, it has been running through my head too, so u arent the only one asking yourself this stuff...

[phillygal]

No, you're not the weirdo. I dealt with a similar situation last year with my ex. He completely cut off all ties with me and even changed his cell phone number so i would have no way of reaching him. This is a boy that said he loved me so much, but when we broke up he wanted nothing to do with me. To this day, i have a hard time understanding why he did that. How can you delete someone that was there for you through thick and thin, through him being in the hospital, (i'm the one that sat next to his hospital bed for hours), through him being depressed to the point where he said he wanted to end his life). I was there through all the rough times and good times, but he simply deleted me out of his life when the relationship ended. I don't understand it, and maybe you'll never understand why he's doing that to you either. All i can say, is that in time things will get better. But i'm not going to lie, when i was reading your post, it made me think of my ex and it still hurts to think about that. I'm sorry you're going through that, and i understand how much you need that closure.

[pete137]

man, this has got my story in it. the woman i was with for almost 12 years just up and left and now acts as the rest of you are saying. she treats me like i did something terrible. this after she initiated sex with me and was saying she loves me.

[SophMd]

Closure...what a crazy thing...on one hand I feel like closure is only meant for when someone you love dies. On the other hand I feel like all of this was against my will. Im not the one who wanted it...thereforeeee I am the one who is left to question myself and think about every aspect of my life. The thing about me is that I know my faults...I dont have a problem stepping up to the plate to change the things I want to. Isnt that what every relationship deserves? two people who are willing to change for the better and WORK at the problems? I feel that this was NOT my fault...I mean I take blame for half of it...because it is a two way thing....but I think we could have worked things out for the better. Like all of you ....I think we tell ourselves we are letting go but can you actually ever forget that person? You cant forget them...you numb yourself....pray...wish..grow stronger...But when you are done all of that...you just accept it? I think its the dumbest thing in the world to LOVE and be LOVED and then try and trick yourself that you dont like that person. Maybe my ex feels like the grass is greener on the other side...its not...and i dont think any of you deserved that either. This is all just so crazy to think that when you...me and all the rest of us who are still in love our ex counterparts are trying to numb themselves by living in a fantasy world. I guess these questions will never be answered for me...I just dont see how Love dies..

[chaos]

I don't see how love can die either. Everyone has their issues, and, as long as those don't become violent and hurtful, you accept those issues when you love that person. We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect. The difference is that we could accept them in our ex's but they couldn't accept them in us. Maybe that means they never really loved us at all. My ex outright told me she'd been pretending for some time... how f'd up is that? She was damn good at it too because only a few weeks before she broke up with me, I'd bought an engagement ring. A few weeks after we broke up was our second anniversary, on which I was going to ask her to marry me. I could always tell when she was hiding something from me and I can't imagine her acting ability to be that good. So, maybe the reason I couldn't see it is because she wasn't acting... maybe she never really loved me at all, so there was no difference to be seen.

[SophMd]

Im sorry to hear that. That makes me mad to think that of how long they could have been out of love with you...it also makes me wonder the same thing for me and my ex. There definitely are better people out there for us. Its just having to start all over again....and then that possiblity of it not working....man, relationships are tough stuff. Maybe I will order a male order groom or something? jk

[sweetsmile]

Oh, it hurts so much to read this. My ex also dumped me 1 month ago after 4 years and he pretends like I dont exist also. he doesnt call, doesn't say hi when he meets me on the street. I'm like "nobody" after so long time together. I don't know why they do that? Has anyone of you found out what the reason is afterwards? Is it because they still arent over us yet or is it just that we dont mean anything to them anymore. We were having sex the night before and had lunch together the same day. 3 hours later he breaks up and never wants it to be us again. What a chock!"

[phillygal]

tallie69-in answer to your question, i think they act like that out of guilt and also because deep down they still care about you. I just think its impossible for them to simply forget about you in a day, a month or even several months. I mean after you're part of someone's life for a period of time you can't act like they were never there. Even though its been a year that me and my ex broke up, there are always things to remind me of him. I might hear a song that i know he liked or i might see a movie that we both watched together. So, i know he probably goes through the same thing. But i think men just handle things differently. They'll convince themselves they are ok, they'll sleep with other girls, they'll hang out with their boys, etc... but it doesn't mean they are not thinking about you. I know with my ex, even though me and him have never spoken since we broke up, he told one of my friends that he was sorry about how he had treated me and he asked her if i had a new boyfriend, and this was 6 months after we had been broken up. I think he might've realised his mistake, but he also thinks i never want to talk to him again so he used one of my best friends to try to get back in touch with me. But i have nothing to say to him. I don't think i can forgive him for how he treated me after we broke up.

 

I'm really sorry for what you and everyone else is going through. It's just not right and i remember all to well how i felt last year. I would cry alot and i was so depressed and i would rack my brains to figure out why he hated me to the point where he wanted no kind of contact with me. But you all have to understand it's not you or anything you did, it's them. And i promise you, they'll reach a point where they'll regret their actions, they'll remember how much you cared for them and how you were there for them and they too will feel the pain you feel. Some of them will apologize to you for how they acted and other will want to, but feel you want nothing to do with them.

 

SophMD-keep us informed about what happens between you and your ex. Unlike many of us, you actually work in close proximity to him, eventually he will talk to you and i'd like to hear his reasons for why he ignored you all this time.

[Juha]

I don't understand it either....They break up with you and

they tell you they still love and care for you but am not in love with you... They won't talk with you about anything...Just avoid and ignore the emotions like I was garbage being put out for pickup.......

 

This whole I am not in love with you is a cop out either you love someone

or you do not love someone...In or out of love is how a immature person

justifies their breakup...

[SophMd]

Go figure the ex contacted me. He talked to me over instant messenger...told me how he thinks it is stupid we dont talk (he avoided me) how he thinks I look amazing and then throws in that I am his baby...and if he talked to me on the phone he will be unstable.

Needless to say after the conversation those feelings started coming back once again...ugggh. I worked so hard to try and forget this person, so why is it that he keeps popping into my life...i see his friends randomly etc. I know our relationship was unhealthy, and I know that I am a lot more together within myself even in this past month. But, why do i still have love for him and feel like he is my soulmate? I feel like such a sucker right now. What do you all think he meant by contacting me and what do you think is the right thing to do? Do you think it is even possible to be friends? I think it would be quite difficult since i am still sexually attracted to him

[SophMd]

Go figure the ex contacted me. He talked to me over instant messenger...told me how he thinks it is stupid we dont talk (he avoided me) how he thinks I look amazing and then throws in that I am his baby...and if he talked to me on the phone he will be unstable.

Needless to say after the conversation those feelings started coming back once again...ugggh. I worked so hard to try and forget this person, so why is it that he keeps popping into my life...i see his friends randomly etc. I know our relationship was unhealthy, and I know that I am a lot more together within myself even in this past month. But, why do i still have love for him and feel like he is my soulmate? I feel like such a sucker right now. What do you all think he meant by contacting me and what do you think is the right thing to do? Do you think it is even possible to be friends? I think it would be quite difficult since i am still sexually attracted to him

[SophMd]

Go figure the ex contacted me. He talked to me over instant messenger...told me how he thinks it is stupid we dont talk (he avoided me) how he thinks I look amazing and then throws in that I am his baby...and if he talked to me on the phone he will be unstable.

Needless to say after the conversation those feelings started coming back once again...ugggh. I worked so hard to try and forget this person, so why is it that he keeps popping into my life...i see his friends randomly etc. I know our relationship was unhealthy, and I know that I am a lot more together within myself even in this past month. But, why do i still have love for him and feel like he is my soulmate? I feel like such a sucker right now. What do you all think he meant by contacting me and what do you think is the right thing to do? Do you think it is even possible to be friends? I think it would be quite difficult since i am still sexually attracted to him

[SophMd]

it was a month exactly last night since we broke up....Go figure the ex contacted me. He talked to me over instant messenger...told me how he thinks it is stupid we dont talk (he avoided me) how he thinks I look amazing and then throws in that I am his baby...and if he talked to me on the phone he will be unstable.

Needless to say after the conversation those feelings started coming back once again...ugggh. I worked so hard to try and forget this person, so why is it that he keeps popping into my life...i see his friends randomly etc. I know our relationship was unhealthy, and I know that I am a lot more together within myself even in this past month. But, why do i still have love for him and feel like he is my soulmate? I feel like such a sucker right now. What do you all think he meant by contacting me and what do you think is the right thing to do? Do you think it is even possible to be friends? I think it would be quite difficult since i am still sexually attracted to him

[SophMd]

it was a month exactly last night since we broke up....Go figure the ex contacted me. He talked to me over instant messenger...told me how he thinks it is stupid we dont talk (he avoided me) how he thinks I look amazing and then throws in that I am his baby...and if he talked to me on the phone he will be unstable.

Needless to say after the conversation those feelings started coming back once again...ugggh. I worked so hard to try and forget this person, so why is it that he keeps popping into my life...i see his friends randomly etc. I know our relationship was unhealthy, and I know that I am a lot more together within myself even in this past month. But, why do i still have love for him and feel like he is my soulmate? I feel like such a sucker right now. What do you all think he meant by contacting me and what do you think is the right thing to do? Do you think it is even possible to be friends? I think it would be quite difficult since i am still sexually attracted to him

[SophMd]

it was a month exactly last night since we broke up....Go figure the ex contacted me. He talked to me over instant messenger...told me how he thinks it is stupid we dont talk (he avoided me) how he thinks I look amazing and then throws in that I am his baby...and if he talked to me on the phone he will be unstable.

Needless to say after the conversation those feelings started coming back once again...ugggh. I worked so hard to try and forget this person, so why is it that he keeps popping into my life...i see his friends randomly etc. I know our relationship was unhealthy, and I know that I am a lot more together within myself even in this past month. But, why do i still have love for him and feel like he is my soulmate? I feel like such a sucker right now. What do you all think he meant by contacting me and what do you think is the right thing to do? Do you think it is even possible to be friends? I think it would be quite difficult since i am still sexually attracted to him

[SophMd]

sorry about the crazy number of repeats...my computer was frozen and i didnt think I actually got the post up.....SORRY

[novaseeker]

If you're feeling like you are still sexually and emotionally attracted to him, my guess is that being friends is not a great idea at this stage because you still look at him as a relationship interest, even if you acknowledge that the relationship is finished. It will drag out your process of healing and getting over him, likely. Once you get past the sexual and emotional attraction, it may be possible to be friends again.

 

My situation is a bit different from yours in that I am very far away from my ex (2000 miles) and I would never run into him in my day to day life, and the attraction issue is not really in my face. It's easier to manage because all I have to do really is stay away from AIM and I will have no interaction with him at all, so I can control things a lot better than if he worked in my office, say.

[SophMd]

So now after the conversation over the instant messenger last night...I saw him where I work...and he did not even say hello. After all that talk about how it was stupid he does not talk to me...how amazing he thinks I look etc. I felt hurt for the first time since last month.