My boyfriend CAN'T communicate!

[puzzled76]

What you have to do in these cases is become unavailable. Meaning you have to change your focus from him, to yourself and things that you like. Become so involved with yourself and forget about him without breaking up with him. It will drive him nuts. He'll start communicating on his own. We women make it so easy for men. They become comfortable. When you change behavior and they are not the center of attention, it makes them wonder. Wonder turns into worry. Once you have his undivided attention, you can say to him what made you decide not to focus on him much anymore.

 

Tell him that as long as he acts this way, he is not a priority. No offense, but you need to be happy, and if he's not making you happy, you need to make yourself happy. If things just don't change, then you really may need to make a permanent change and remove yourself from the relationship for good.

[SpeedingCars]

That is spot on! I noticed when my guy isn't my "universe", that things suddenly start to change for the better.

[real_life_101]

Yeah thats good advise???? Make him insecure to get your way. I have seen one good example of effective communication that would work, at least for me. Let him know how your feeling and How it is having an effect on you. I know you think it is a guilt trip, but when most of my girlfriends said to me how it was effecting them. I would understand and usually agree with them because I could see their side of it.

[gentlelady]

I know this is an old thread with only a few fairly recent replies but I have to say I agree with puzzled76 to a great degree. I am in a 5 year relationship which is much the same and feel hopeless that it will change. I feel mostly withdrawn now and would rather spend my time alone then than with him. I stay at my house most of the time. He watches tv all the time(which is too much for me), maybe because he doesn't want to be quiet with his own thoughts. If I want to talk to him I have to wait for a commercial break. I am really over trying to have a meaningful relationship. Maybe I will "How to repair your relationship without talking" which was suggested earlier.

[Citlali]

I don't think I would go on for 5 years with someone wholly incapable of communicating and much less when it made me so terribly unhappy. It is one thing to want him to chat about how he feels every day and why and another to expect that, being in a relationship, he would be considerate and respectful enough to listen when she says she is concerned about something. He has to compromise. If he insists on ignoring her or making her feel guilty for bringing up her concerns by getting angry, then perhaps he needs to work on himself first before being in a relationship. And ignoring him as a tactic to make him worry and give in to listening solely because she ignored him, not because he genuinely cares about her feelings isn't that great of advice. Ignoring him doesn't make him think, "Well, gee, what did I do to her and what's bothering her? What made her withdraw?", but rather makes him wonder, "Why am I not being paid attention to? I have to do whatever to gain back that attention even if I don't really want to." That's not healthy. She shouldn't have to play games to get him to listen. Frankly, if he just gets angry and never wants to listen or communicate, to the point where it is making her unhappy, then it is time to move on. It's hard enough having a relationship when both people are trying. Having one where only one person tries and the other refuses to is a hassle and not worth it. One partner shouldn't have to drag the other along.

[Oh hay its Jai]

i am not even going to read what you wrote, not because i dont care, but because the answer is simple.

 

break up with him.

[Azilynn]

Sounds like my communication with my ex.......I'd say more but this is an older post.

[geekgirl4]

Did anybody ever manage to solve this?

[chiquitabonita]

I know this post is from a long time ago, I just happened to stumble upon it looking for some advise on this same issue. I'm dealing with this with my current boyfriend who I've been dating for about 4 months. It's driving me absolutely crazy!! Anytime I bring anything up that I want to discuss that is of any significance, I'm always greeted with a "stop trying to start a fight" or "telling me to stop he doesn't want to talk about it" or even better "I'm blowing things out of proportion". I've explained till I'm blue in the face how important communication is in a relationship, he doesn't seem to care. I am a very communicative person, I can talk till the cows come home and am able to very easily express my feelings. I get that not everyone is like that and I don't expect everyone to be the same or have the same traits and characteristics, but I do think when you enter a relationship you do so with the understanding that things will come up that will require you to talk to each other and communicate like mature adults. Another thing he's good at is just shutting down completely, so if I happen to text him about something (I know text is not the most ideal way to discuss things, but given our schedules, etc. sometimes that's the only way), he'll not respond to me at all or it will be a very long time before he does respond and when he does the issue is never resolved because he pretty much responds defensively rather than just talking about the issue at hand, trying to resolve it and move on quickly. I'm seriously at my wits end of what to do. I do not agree with what a previous person mentioned about not pressuring him and letting him talk when he's ready, because in my case nothing would ever be discussed because he'd never be ready!! People in general can't get through life successfully without being able to communicate. It's not just in relationships, but in your everyday life when dealing with anyone you have to know how to communicate and not avoid it otherwise you'll have a difficult time even dealing with life in general outside of your relationship. We've gotten into some heated arguments before because of his lack of ability or willingness to communicate. I also wonder how much a person actual values the person or relationship if they are not willing to communicate to either better understand something or resolve issues. In my opinion if you really like / love the person you'll put in the effort to ensure you can add to the relationship and help it grow and if you can't communicate a relationship certainly won't/can't grow.

 

So if anyone has had any success with coming up with any ways to make this easier I'd love to hear your success stories. As of now I'm batting zero and things are starting to become increasingly frustrating for me. I'd hate for this to be a deal breaker for our relationship, but I can't be with someone who can't communicate and who shuts down.

[Capricorn3]

Hi and welcome to ENA. It is probably a good idea for you to start your own thread, so that people can respond to your own questions. Most people would read the OP and respond to that and the thread is nine years old. It is better to start your own thread so as to get replies to your own specific problem. Thanks. (Thread closed).