Sleeping with ex after breakup?

[gefiltepez]

A little background. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years 3 weeks ago. It was the third time we have broken up. This one is really it though. There is no going back on this one. I love her very very much and I think she is an amazing person. If it wasn't for the fact that we have had the same problems for years and they never seem to improve I would have considered marrying her. We are both pretty stobborn and despite talking to a relationship counselor and honestly trying to work out our issues, I think we just had some sort of intrinsic personality conflict. We fought pretty much once a week. I don't mean a little tiny argument, I mean a full on yelling match. In the end, although I love her very much I knew things were just never going to change. I did what I had to do for both of us. I just couldn't deal with the fighting anymore. It was starting to depress me. I guess she never did fully trust me. I am not sure why she felt that way either, I never gave her any reason to think I was going to cheat. I guess in the end that lack of trust was a huge problem in the relationship. It wasn't that I didn't love her anymore, but I did what I felt was best for the both of us, something that she would NEVER have done. So in the end I came out looking like the bad guy, but I honestly did the right thing.

 

THE BIGGER ISSUES:

 

I can't seem to pull the trigger on dating or even getting laid. I REALLY need it, and there are multiple girls that I know like me, but for reason I am just feeling a little gun shy. Hell she is already dating someone else and I am the one that broke up with her. I guess that's to be expected though, she is a very attractive woman.

 

She actually called me the other night and wanted to sleep over (adamant that she was not calling to get back together, but that she just wanted to get laid). She was drunk. I told her it was a really bad idea. I mean that would really complicate the line between being broken up and not. She claimed she could separate her feelings from it, but I told her that even if she could I didn't think I could. She then complained that when we were together I told her if we ever broke up we could be friends with benefits. She is a very sexual person, not a cheater or anything, but she needs sex, especially when she is in a relationship.

 

It sucks because I really wanted to. I still love her and I am very attracted to her, but I I know we are a bad couple and that would just be a bad idea. AARRRGGG, it is very frustrating.

 

I am also incredibly jealous of whoever she is dating (at least she isn't sleeping with him yet). It kinda pissed me off that she talked to me about the other guy, but I know she didn't do it to be spiteful. She was just missing me and wanted to talk like friends. We both want to be friends with one another, so she was just updating me on her life and that came up. Unfortunately I think it may just be too early.

 

I don't know why, I but I really want to beat the crap out of the guy she is dating. I feel ridiculous about that, it is totally irrational. I broke up with her, she SHOULD be dating. It is good for her. I know being broken up with her is the right thing, but I still feel like she is MY girl. You know what I mean? Anyway, I guess I am just feeling a little confused. It seems like I am having a harder time with this than she is, and it sucks.

 

Anyone have any advice or experience re: sleeping with your EX, or jealousy and moving on, when you are the one that did the breaking up?

 

Thanks,

 

G

[Confusedwon]

My ex bf and I also argujed a lot. the relationship klasted 1 yr and he asked for a break just about 2 weeks ago, I left hi alone for 1 week and when I called him he said he wasnt sure what he wanted. And now he wont even reply to txts or speak w/me on phone. I am curious how you broke it off with her and how you guys remain friends enough to still be talking?? Maybe it isnt really over? How long where the other break ups for? Did you talk thru those also?

[snowgirl]

It's great that you are sure about your feelings toward breaking up with her. That's a big hurdle, and it's good that you know you did the right thing.

The problem here is that you need to STOP contact with her, at least for now. It's hard to imagine, I know, since she was such a big part of your life for 3 years, but it's hurting you and it's not right. You should not need to know about her dating someone new. She is not "yours" and that is something you need to learn to let go of. To be blunt, it's none of your business who she dates from now on. It sounds hard, but it's not impossible. You need to explain to her that she can't call you, and don't call her. You have to get through your feelings and start to separate yourself emotionally from her, or you will not be able to move on with your life. I am not saying this has to be forever, but just until you get through your feelings for her.

You broke up with her 3 weeks ago, that's WAY too soon to think about dating anyone else. Especially since you still love her. How long it takes is up to you, but you still have feelings for her. It's not fair to the women you would be dating. (unless you were just out to get laid and that was a mutual agreement).

It's important for you to take the time to get over your relationship with her. Just because you were the dump-er and not the dump-ee here, doesn't mean it's not just as hard for you, too.

[gefiltepez]

yeah, I see where you are coming from, but it is definitely over. We both agree that we have given it a good shot and that it didn't work out. I mean if I really wantd to get back together, I could convince her. But that would totally defeat the reason that we broke up in the first place. We would inevitably fall back into our old patterns anyway. During our previous breakups of a month and 2 months, we did not talk at all. That difference I think is further evidence of it truly being over. We both know it, so we can talk in a mature adult fashion, even though we just broke up. I think we are able to remain friends enough to continue talking because we both love each other veyr much and feel that it is more important than our pride or hurt. Thanks Confusedwon

[gefiltepez]

nt

[gefiltepez]

thanks snowgirl. Good advice.

 

She is not "yours" and that is something you need to learn to let go of. To be blunt, it's none of your business who she dates from now on.

 

I am totally clear on that. I didn't mean for it to sound as if I own her. I simply meant that I still feel like this other guy is an interloper; like he doesn't know her, doesn't know what she is like, how to please her, etc. I also am totally aware that who she dates is none of my business. I wouldn't have made it my business if she hadn't offered up the info in the first place. I am honestly not interested. But now that I know it is killing me.

[RayKay]

Anyone have any advice or experience re: sleeping with your EX, or jealousy and moving on, when you are the one that did the breaking up?

 

It's a bad idea.

 

The fact is, that with ex's, you can't help for emotions to get involved - they just WILL, and one of you may feel more attached then the other. It is very hard to keep it as "just sex" and in my experience and many others, it REALLY limits your ability to move on and heal from the pain of the breakup and the relationship itself. Ideally, if you are going to be FWB at all with someone it should be with no strings attached, no emotional commitment, the ability to cleanly break it off at anytime and so forth - and even with people whom have NEVER dated this is hard and almost invariable someone falls for the other.

 

It is normal to also be jealous of her new boyfriend - wanting to kill him might be a normal reaction too, though not really justifiable. She is the one that chose to date him, and he really has no part in your relationship with her. Even though you are the one whom broke it off, it is normal to be jealous as you are not going to stop loving the person right away or caring about them. When my last ex broke up with me, he was jealous for months afterwards and did not want to know ANYTHING of whom I was dating, even if he was dating himself! Besides, she jumped in to this new thing REALLY soon after a long-term relationship with you, I bet you anything she is rebounding right now. It's not worth getting involved in.

 

Of course my last point is...why would you even want to get yourself in a situation where she is using you for sex and dating others too? Meh.

 

Move on, heal and give yourself time. You are only considering this as she is "comfortable" to you right now, and you are also still in pain over the loss. Get some distance, and work on healing yourself so you can be complete again, ready for a new relationship and dating when you are READY. You may have promised FWB before, but I doubt you every seriously considered the implications of that, or that you would be breaking up.....now that you have, you have every right to not follow through on that!

[babycristy456]

"But now that I know it is killing me."

 

Read what you just said...these lines above. How is it that you KNOW what she is doing? it is because you are communicating with her. Honestly, don't let her fool you to think she is with the guy of her dreams. This guy is obviously a rebound. That explains why she still calls you for sex and wants to "be friends." Knowing that she is "moving on" and that you are hurt gives her satisfaction. Sorta like a revenge for you breaking up with her.

 

I say that you stop talking to her and explain to her that you just can't be friends for a while. If not, you might end up doing things you will regret later on (like sleep with her again) and it will just create an emotional breakdown for both of you.

 

From personal experience, nothing good comes from communicating with the ex's. Don't be fooled into thinking that you guys will be Best Friends now. If this is REALLY the final break up, communication will just bring things like jealousy, anger, confusion, and false hopes. It will bring you back to the beginning.

 

Try to meet new girls, you don't need to sleep with them. Party alot with guy friends and concentrate on other important areas of your life. Do not contact until you feel you are ready and it will not bring about any feelings.

[heloladies21]

If you wanna do the friends thing you need to give it some time with No Contact so your feelings can die down. Then you can try an friendship if you stil want one at that point. Otherwise start talking to other girls. It will help.

[sukerbut]

if you love her like you say you do..i would suggest not..when my girl dumped last month i was like the sex is great why dont we just keep it going casually like that. suprisinglly she said yes..it worked three times and then i could not deal with it...so your girl is out there getting her thing on with some other dude and then she comes to you also..fudge that.... do you want to remember the girl you wanted to marry like a nickle and dime slut..i remember one night she came over to return somewthing..she was like i am down stairs come and get your wallet..i was like the least you could do is come up..but i went down stairs i was like you want to come up for a quickie ..she was like only if its real quick..it was so weird i felt liek i ordered a hooker..she came up took her close of we had sex and she left..that was not cool for me at least...and then you have to think about when she tells you we cant do this any more...then it gets worst..i would really suggest you have a couple more sessions and then you have to let it go..cause it will really bite you in the bu tt later..i assure you

[itry]

ARGH dont do it!! she sounds like me.... trust me. NOT a good idea....i JUST broke up with mine...and we've broke up several times b4 due to trust. the sex just dilutes the reasons..and purty soon..ull be back to square one. go grab a porn and a bottle of lube or something

[gefiltepez]

ARGH dont do it!! she sounds like me.... trust me. NOT a good idea....i JUST broke up with mine...and we've broke up several times b4 due to trust. the sex just dilutes the reasons..and purty soon..ull be back to square one. go grab a porn and a bottle of lube or something

Point taken, but my right hand it would never take me back 3 years ago when I left it for my now ex-girlfriend. Guess I'm outta luck.

[zcloud]

This forum reminds me why I can't have a decent relationship with a man.

In my vision of an ideal world, you and your ex could continue to be lovers and just that, no commitment until either one or both found "the one" if that's indeed the goal (it shouldn't have to be). But there are certain men who can't have sex with a woman and just enjoy it - no strings attached. Suddenly you go from being "mother teresa" in their eyes to a "nickel and dime" slut. So everyone is stuck in this vicious cycle looking for the "right person", making one "casual" committment after another getting their hearts broken again and again. Why not have 2 people make a "real" commitment; to always love each other, always know each other, sleep together or not, no matter what happens in life with family, other people etc.?

Have a real love without attachement and ownership. The only time I ever get hurt is when I enter into a commitment, and then a few months later find the man has changed his mind or is cheating. If it doesn't last forever it wasn't a commitment, why bother with all that. We could have had a great relationship without all the b.s.

 

I love all my exes and would sleep with them, but if it happens it they can't handle it because they don't own me and they are part of this fudged up value system where people prefer to live lives of desperation rather than have true happiness and experience real fun and real love.

 

I was born on the wrong planet. -Zcloud

[redandblack]

I was born on the wrong planet. -Zcloud

 

Or maybe just the wrong society. You would fit in just fine into an polyandrous or any other polygamist society.

 

I happen to like monogomy and believe sex is about communication, not simple hormones. I'm sure I speak for many people and probably many of your ex's.

[zcloud]

That's just my point. Nobody in this society likes monogamy and communication as you claim. Read this forum, almost every post proves my point. Monogamy is something people force themselves into so that they can own another person. They are so busy seeking security and possesions, they have no clue what love really means.

 

I am NOT the person who has a problem with commitment or forsaking all others. Men are the ones who need to find themselves, meet new girls and most of the time I can set my watch by the time that they call me up after a few months, claim that our relationship was the best they ever had and that I'm not "psycho" like the other girls. By then it's usually too late since I have to play "commitment" with whatever new guy I'm dating so as not to break his heart. Once in a while I'm free to play fb, but then they can't handle it; it's all or nothing. One ex kept his new girl, sends me email once in a while, says he probably will never love her or be true; but she's met all his friends so he's stuck for now. She cleans his house and does laundry (this is something I don't do, I'm not the maid). So ladies want a man? Cry, whine, clean, cook, need him desperately, let him say nasty things to you, give up all your friends and activities to do his stuff, believe that he loves you when he doesn't, and you'll be all set for a few years of marriage, then when there's the divorce blame yourself because it's certainly not due to his love of monogamy or his immpeccible communication skills.

[redandblack]

So ladies want a man? Cry, whine, clean, cook, need him desperately, let him say nasty things to you, give up all your friends and activities to do his stuff, believe that he loves you when he doesn't, and you'll be all set for a few years of marriage, then when there's the divorce blame yourself because it's certainly not due to his love of monogamy or his immpeccible communication skills.

 

That sentence is full of so many misconceptions and stereotypes that I don't even know where to begin. Although I do see where you are coming from, I still disagree. To me, a monogomous relationship is not about "owning". It's about two people loving eachother enough to never want anyone else. This has gone far enough off topic as is.

[itry]

in my opinion..sex WAS about hormones. after all.. thats what us humans were originally designed for. some animals give off a scent indicating its time to mate, some use bright colors, others use sound....humans.. use hard on's or natural lubrication triggered by our endocrine system.

 

have we evolved from primates to now enjoy sex when strong feelings of intimacy are involved? yep. in fact.. our brains are getting bigger...forming new layers in due time. we have gained knowledge…conception and most importantly..we have gained reason. To say sex is just hormonal is immature and careless…and pretty primitive. like a lot of polygamous communities.

 

most of the people on this board are single or distressed… why? because we crave the love intertwined with monogamy, other people here… theyre the ones who cant handle monogamy and are looking for answers as to why..