Why is he still keeping in touch and doing this to me?

[Kristen Mcgee]

I would like to hear from everyone but especailly some guys as to what they think about this situation and what this guy is thinking?

 

Here it goes over 9 years ago me and this guy were almost engaged, we broke up because of the distance between us, there was no other problem. We both got married to different people 1 year after our break up. He married his high school sweetheart, I married a 'new person.' My ex and I continued to talk all the way up to when I got married, he got married a few months after me. (During these talks he was very 'distant' from me, he would only call me and tell me that he 'still loves me' when he had been drinking', but during 'regular hours' he would call me but would be so cold and mean) He is 30 and I am 31.

 

SO we both got married and lived our lives and we are still both married with children. He tells me he is happily married and I am in a relatively happy marriage. Throughout the years I had never forgotten about him, and many things reminded me of him, well a few months back I received an email from him. Come to find out all these years he also thought about me as well. So somehow our talks turned into this very intense online/phone affair. We were both out of control like 2 teenagers. We admitted to each other that over the years we had thought of each other and he even said he wonders about the 'what if's and wonders if maybe all those years ago if one of us had maybe said one thing differently then maybe things would be different. So this contact continued for a couple of weeks and he finally said that as much feelings as he has for me, we have to stop contact. He said he feels he is living a double life and he believed thinking about me is ok but talking all the time was not right. He also said he had made his decision to marry his wife and was committed and loved her. He said If we were both single we know what the solution would be but at this point we need to be happy with what we have. Then he went further to say he was sorry he had hurt me, but he cared for me very much and wanted to keep in touch for life updates every once in a while but it should stop there. Infact I mentioned seeing each other and he said as much as he wanted to it was wrong and that seeing each other would be like making plans to cheat.

 

These words from him hurt so much, just like when we had first broken up, but I tried to take it day by day, so a month or so past and we were emailing each other once a week, trying to keep it more on a friendship level and then things changed again, he started to contact me more not everyday, but the emails became more "i was just thinking about you', etc, a few IM messages etc., a few phone calls. So that is where things are now and I just don't understand him anymore.

 

Can any of you esp the guys shed some light as to what this guy is feeling, what he wants and why he is doing this to me?

 

I wish I could just get amnesia and forget I ever met him, because this is not how life is supposed to be. I mean I keep holding on to hope that maybe he does care about me and feel for me the way I do for him, and that is why he keeps coming back but I don't get it.

[hockeyboy]

perhaps the bigger question is how do you feel about your husband...and perhaps you should try to work on that relationship. if your seeking other things elsewhere, there must be some kind of problems.

[Kristen Mcgee]

you are right about my marriage problems and I am planning on figuring things out there as I know my feelings for my husband are not what they should be. So I already know that and at this point I am trying to figure out what the deal is with my ex so I can work through these feelings as well.

[Dako]

Sounds like he feels stifled in his marriage and misses you. He may idealize what you both once had since the stress of raising kids might get him down. Maybe this strikes a sympathic chord or you enjoy his attention. It's always nice to be wanted.

 

I'd tell the ex goodbye and good luck, and then focus on your family before things go seriously bad.

[Kristen Mcgee]

Its more then just liking his attention. The truth is if I had a chance with him, I would go for it, I have held on to feelings for this man for over 9 years and now that he is in my life sort of, if I had the opportunity I would try to see if what I feel in my heart and head is real. So him doing this back and forth thing to me is killing me.

[Dako]

I didn't mean to belittle your feelings. It sounds like you're ready to go for it if he's serious, and the ball's in his court. He should put his cards on the table to help you decide.

[digitaldiva]

I feel like what you're doing is wrong. You are having an emotional affair with another man. Maybe you should sever the relationship with your friend and work on things with your husband. What if your husband were to find out about your affair? Is he worth it? Good luck...

[Kristen Mcgee]

I have to say that I already know what I am doing is wrong, but my relationship with my husband has had its problems even before my ex entered the picture. So I know the advice of working on my marriage is a great one, but at this point I'm not sure my marriage is what I want, really whether my ex was in the picture or not.

 

So I guess in this post I am just more interested in wondering what my ex is feeling and why he is playing this tug of war with me? Thanks for all your advice.

[Bethany]

THINK of your Children........ DECIDE with your Heart.

[Kristen Mcgee]

THINK of your Children........ DECIDE with your Heart.

That is my whole problem, when it comes to this guy I think with my heart instead of my head and I just do not have any control. If I could think logically with my head I don't think I would be in this big mess.

[Itsok]

Maybe it's time you started to think logically about the situation.

 

I really believe the guy you are crushing on isn't that into you. After all, he's married to someone else as well right? Let's say you break up your marriage, and

 

1. he never leaves his wife

2. he chooses her in the end anyway

3. the implications for screw ups are endless here.

 

He's playing with you because he isn't getting what he wants out of his marriage and you are giving it to him: attention, flirting, and an immature sexual attraction. So let's say that he does leave her, and goes with you. You've showed him that you and he are both capable of cheating, and not to mention you'll probably put up with it when he cheats on you.

 

Real love includes the 'constant eb & flow' and yeah, eventually you don't feel all crazy attracted to one another anymore. If you really love each other, the bond you have will never be gone, but yes the crazy feelings you had in the beginning fade. Welcome to commited relationships.

 

Tell him you won't talk to him again and talk to your husband about what is going on. Use the energy you are using to have this emotional affair towards your current relationship and things might work out. If you continue this, your husband is going to find out, and then you'll be out on your butt.

 

Think it through.

[Ericus]

In any relationship where someone leaves you a few things happen to you. You were not expecting it, but you where counting on it. So a plan failed. You feel as though you have lost control because this choice was made for you, you where not the one to decide it was over.

 

So he comes back into your life, and instantly your mind is telling you that this is your chance to make it your decision. This becomes self powering, and is the center of the draw.

 

Careful though, there are a lot of unknowns.

 

First and most importantly, Do You Know how this guy will raise your kids?

 

Matching someone because they are sexy doesn't mean that parenting styles are going to mesh.

 

Is there distance involved? Are you going to move to him?

 

So exactly how hard is it going to be to visit Mom for Thanksgiving or Christmas?

 

And did your problems with your current marriage start after you got that email?

Guys can tell, so if your hubby is getting weird on you maybe he already knows.

 

And if you found out today that your best friend was having sex with your current hubby, Would you sent her a thank you card and a cake? or would you be pissed.

[MercuryRetro]

Tell your husband so he can initiate a divorce with you.