For all you heartbroken guys out there...typical excuses

[notherenowhere]

To all you heartbroken guys out there,

 

I have some observations I'd like to share here. I noticed some typical things girls say when they end relationships:

 

They need time and space. They need to find themselves and what they really want. They need to take a break. We should see other people. It's not you, it's me.

 

They sound like excuses or polite ways of saying they're not interested in the guy anymore and want to end the relationship. Is that right? Any others excuses out there?

 

One other typical line they use afterwards is the "let's be friends" one. It may be genuine. On the other hand, they may be "using" the guy as back-up in case a new relationship fails.

 

They then move on just like that as if nothing had happened. It seems as if they turned the off switch. It seems how quickly they can forget. It seems very inconsiderate. They then may jump into another relationship quickly. How can they turn off whatever feelings they had just like that?

 

They can be so two-sided at times. There was one case where the girl left the guy. He was devastated. She wanted to remain friends and so they did. She said she still cared about him. He sent her an email but she didn't even reply. If she truly cared about him, she should have replied to him.

 

Any thoughts?

[austingunner]

Well, I've just posted an email for help with my on hold girlfriend and she used some of those "excuses" because I was pressuring her too much and she has trust issues with me and with two former very abusive relationships. She finds it very hard to trust me and I understand that. Although she used some of those excuses I know deep in my heart she still loves me, she's just not sure if we're right for each other. We went to a therapist who recommended three month of no contact. When we said goodbye she gave me a very very passionate kiss and gazed into my eyes for a long time. You don't do that, I don't think, if it's goodbye for good. By giving her space, as hard as it is, I'm hoping it will also build trust for her and character for me. I've already violated the agreement once and she was very angry about it, but I understand her need to be alone. She has very strong feelings for me and finds me very desireable in many ways and that just confuses things for her when she's trying to get her head on straight. I'm hoping by showing her that I'm still here after three months, that I will have her trust by showing her my dedication even in the face of an uncertain future. That's the way love works, it has to be unconditional. I think that if I would've stepped off from the beginning when she asked for time, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in now. She felt manipulated by me constantly trying to convince her to be with me when her fear was keeping her love buried. If the time has the opposite effect (which is scary for me) and she isn't interested, then I will know it wasn't meant to be in the first place. I'm scared and looking for answers when there aren't any to be found yet and I was being selfish with my own emotions (which isn't expressing love properly) rather than thinking of the pressure on her.

[LuckyDuck]

Hey austingunner,

 

I can empathize with how u are feeling. My ex broke up with me because she is not sure if she wants me or her ex-boyfriend. she says she still loves but is very confused. I tried very hard to give her space but always fail by calling her and checking up on her. I really I was very selfish and was not concerned of the pressure I put on. Your post helped to see her side and maybe it will keep me from calling her. I now realize I call to comfort myself emotionally so I can feel better neglecting how she would feel. She probably thinks I don't trust her now.

I hope good things work out with your situation.

[bzborow1]

You guys are too quick to put her actions as a result of your behaviour. She could just be one of those weak women.

[notherenowhere]

austingunner,

 

It sounds like she's scared of love and that's because of what she's been through. I know it'll be difficult for you but it's best to simply give her the space and time she needs. Don't initiate any contact. Let her do it. Then see what happens.

[mk]

Okay, I am giving her spaces (two weeks of not going out of each other), let her initiate the contact. Now what? If two weeks, she still hasn't give me an answer, should I just tell her that we can start slow again and try to give each other a chance to show my love?

 

Any advices? Please help.

 

 

austingunner,

 

It sounds like she's scared of love and that's because of what she's been through. I know it'll be difficult for you but it's best to simply give her the space and time she needs. Don't initiate any contact. Let her do it. Then see what happens.

[solstice48]

Well I don't believe its just women that give out those lines but it does seem like they do come more from them. This line about "being friends" is that just to relieve the guilt they feel or do they think they're doing you a favor by letting you down easy or giving you a glimmer of hope to hold onto while they figure out what they want. It does seem though that there are more women out there looking for themselves & its always us men that are willing to bend over backwards to help them find what they're looking for by "giving them space" or whatever else it is they want. Then we're expected to respect their wishes while we suffer away hoping they find their way back to our hearts. I guess there's a lot of women & men out there looking for something that is usually in front of them all along if they'd just take the time & effort to see it through.

[austingunner]

Yeah, I wish I would've pulled away on my own before the therapist suggested it to us...instead of looking like a psycho or a puppy for the month of June....I wasn't much of a man and I was very self centered/selfish not respecting her wishes The therapist keeps saying "actions not words" are what's important now, and for me that's no contact. I think she's a good woman and would've just told me to shove off period if that was the case...she has a lot on her plate, and it was just manipulative to keep writing and writing.

[kittykat]

Well, any ideas if this happens to a girl? As in if the guy was the one asking those questions and giving those doubts and yet after a relationship would be able to switch off like a switch??

 

My ex did... can anyone tell me why he is like that? why is a guy i loved so much treat me like this? And now he is with a new found gal

[austingunner]

A lot of people are very selfish (more guys that girls I think--I am emotionally selfish but I'm working on it...I couldn't give my girl space to think when she needed it b/c I was afraid of loosing her and now we can't talk--orders from the counselor--for three months as a cooldown)...many guys will say/do anything to keep you/hold you while they figure out who/what they want. You are better than him, if that's the case, and I wouldn't even look back.

[melrich]

I have read many of the posts in this forum and most of them seem to revolve around two themes 1. "what does it mean when he/she asks for time and space?" and 2. Should I keep trying to get he/she back or leave them alone for a while. I think I am a bit older than many of the posters here (32) and have faced these issues a few times in my life now, as well as seen many friends go through the same type of scenario. Here is my view for what it is worth.

When someone says they would like a break or need some time and space they are absolutely saying they are in a different stage of the relationship than the partner who doesn't want the break. They are in one of two places, either they want to break up permanently or they are seriously thinking about it for whatever reasons (and there may be many of them). So how do you handle it? Well you don't handle it by begging, spying, checking up, professing undying love etc.etc. Remember they are emotionally in a different place to you and this sort of behaviour seems to almost always drive the other person further away. Then there is the other option of breaking off all contact and hoping they will miss you and remember why they loved you. Again in my experience this rarely works, mainly because the person doing this is usually doing it as a tactic and that is usually very transparent. Usually this person will spend the time apart living for the day they make contact again and usually they will make no secret about it,talking to their friends, to the other partys friends, spending way too much time feeling sorry for themselves. This sort of behaviour nearly always gets back to the partner who has requested the break.

I have twice recovered relationships that were at the stage where she had asked for a break. Both times I responded in the same way. We had our "let's have a break" discussion left on good terms and I went about my life. That means making the break mentally. Even to the point of telling yourself it is over for good and there is no point pursuing the past. Then you need to get busy, get out and have as much fun as you can in the situation, don't talk to everyone you see about getting back together, don't ask your friends of his/her friends if they have seen he/she, don't try to find out what they are doing. In short try to put all your energy into forgetting the person as hard as that might be and I know it is very hard. Doing this will do two things, it will help you get over things quicker if that is how it pans out and it will give you the best chance of allowing your partner to reconcile their own feelings. If the realtionship was over as soon as your partner said "lets have a break" it will most likely still be over and nothing you could have said or done was likely to change that anyway. If your partner was thinking about the possibility of ending the relationship permanently, your moving on with your life will give them the time and space to really explore their feelings for you and this is the only way that a relationship can get back together long term.

Wasting time and energy on all the different "tactics" you might employ just does not work and usually anything you do is seen as just that..a tactic. Remember he/she fell in love with who you are, not who you are trying to be. You need to show them who you are again and you can only do this by putting them behind you and trusting the future to what will be.

[austingunner]

I found this in a book that I'm reading to improve my relationship skills, it's called: How To Be An Adult In Relationships: The Five Keys To Mindful Loving. It's a book that's based on the buddist principle of mindfulness (somewhat akin to self awareness, or being mindful of one's "self")

 

[c]Letting Go Of Control[/c]

 

"Healthy control means ordering our lives in responsible ways--for example, by maintaining control of a car or our health. Neurotic control means acting on the compulsive need to make everything and everyone comply with our wishes. Control is what we decided to seek when we noticed the implacable givens of our existence and felt helpless in the face of them. We were not yet able to say, "I will stay with this predicament and see what it has to offer me [i.e. a relationship on hold] I notice I seem to get stronger this way." Saying yes to our experience in this mindful way leads to empowerment. Can you make a decision, a commitment to be less controlling and to dedicate yourself to this as your present project?"

 

For me in my current "non-relationship" (a relationship that's been put on hold with a "no contact" agreement between myself and my "girlfriend", Kristina, for the next three months) this means I am going to stay the course and see out the three months to show her how much I love and care for her and that I can be trusted regardless of what she ultimately decides. My gift to myself is that I will be a stronger person no matter what the outcome and I will have prepared myself to love her unconditionally accordingly.

 

I highly recommend this book to anyone, even if you're in a good relationship...it has been very empowering for me.

[melrich]

Thanks

[Rainz]

Guys come up with all those lines and excuses as well....in my personal experiences and what I've seen around me it's been them doing it far more than the women.

As well it's been the women bending over backwards to accommodate them and their needs and wishes...just what I've experienced myself and seen around me as well.

[Rainz]

Guys come up with all those lines and excuses as well....in my personal experiences and what I've seen around me it's been them doing it far more than the women.

As well it's been the women bending over backwards to accommodate them and their needs and wishes...just what I've experienced myself and seen around me as well.

 

Okay? Please explain your views and opinions if you would like.

 

I'd be here typing from now until next week..

[Rainz]

Guys come up with all those lines and excuses as well....in my personal experiences and what I've seen around me it's been them doing it far more than the women.

As well it's been the women bending over backwards to accommodate them and their needs and wishes...just what I've experienced myself and seen around me as well.

 

Okay? Please explain your views and opinions if you would like.

 

I'd be here typing from now until next week..

 

I'll starts from here...

It's not you, it's me.

 

Female friends of mine have told me they've been told this when things have "seemingly" been going well between them and the guy. He's all keen and the suddenly becomes un interested......I have had that happen but not been told "it's not you it's me".

Sounds like a weak excuse to me.

 

 

One other typical line they use afterwards is the "let's be friends"

After a 2 year tumultuous relationship I had in my 20's we broke up and wanted us to remain friends, for all sorts of reasons.

Probably was his way of keeping me as a back up, and having me in his life, push/pulling and all kinds of emptional nonsense.

 

 

They then move on just like that as if nothing had happened. It seems as if they turned the off switch. It seems how quickly they can forget. It seems very inconsiderate. They then may jump into another relationship quickly. How can they turn off whatever feelings they had just like that?

 

My posts on here regarding my most recent break up back up this point.

[Rainz]

Guys come up with all those lines and excuses as well....in my personal experiences and what I've seen around me it's been them doing it far more than the women.

As well it's been the women bending over backwards to accommodate them and their needs and wishes...just what I've experienced myself and seen around me as well.

 

Okay? Please explain your views and opinions if you would like.

 

That is my brief explanation of my view and opinion, it's not just guys who get dealt such excuses and treatment. Myself and the women in my circle have experienced the same kind of excuses and treatment from men. Generally seem to see and hear of more women around me than the men complaning of it too.

[misery12]

This sort of relates to my situation..

My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago, but she said she wanted to stil be friends.. best friends.

Since we broke up, we've hung out over 10 different times together, including prom together, lunch, hanging out at each others places, parties, dinner, concerts. etc..

 

A few nights ago, I was referred to as "her man" by one of her best friends. She showed up at my soccer game today with her sister, who has a boyfriend on my team.. I am close with the boyfriend, and her sister, so its cool.. they watched me play, and I saw her looking at me many times when I was on the bench.

 

I am not sure if I should just keep going like I am.. hanging out with her, and not mentioning us getting back together, or if I should mention it.. before she thinks i've lost interest, and moves on..

any help?

[Rainz]

Because I'm so direct and straight forward, I guess I'm quite intolerant of things that are being said/done in a "round about way" as you say. I still think that people can be told tactfully that someone wants to break up with them. It's just generally about how you treat others and generally just treating people with respect.

 

I still maintain that excuses are weak. I'd rather someone just be honest with me from the get go, e.g. I'm not sure what I want right now, lets get to know each other , or I'm not looking for anything serious etc...but don't be bombarding, pursuing relentlessly , morning, afternoon, evening and night, falling in love going on about how right, fabulous, great, special, want to marry you, have your babies, wine, dine....and then come up with something like Oh it's not you it's me, that's insulting.

 

I have quite a few platonic male friends, relatives etc and we have quite frank conversations and they don't seem to be on the receiving and of the heartache-heartbreak train like me and my girls...however, I must say since coming to enotalone, I have been pleasantly surprised to see as many men as woman going through it, so at least I know that guys do go through it just as much. (Just not the ones around me )