Please help me! I'm TOTALLY Clueless

[JazzyGirl]

Ok, I'm 25 years old female (just had a birthday), and I am a virgin - as in no intercourse and no oral. There's a guy in my life but we're not a couple. We are very attracted to each other and very, very connected - it's hard to explain, but we click. We've know each other for about 3-4 years.

 

Anyways, I want to start off saying that I don't know a whole lot about sex or masturbation, etc... It's kind of a taboo topic in my house - it's not talked about at all. I think of masturbation as gross so I can't even do it. I tried once, but I couldn't go through with it. (I know that's a different issue). My sexual frustration levels have been skyrocketing lately. I consider myself religious and always planned to wait till marriage, but it's getting harder.

Anyways, back to the guy. I slept over his house last night (no sex though). We were making out, and things were getting hot and heavy. I let him massage me and finger me. I was very wet, but I don't think I ever came. He kept saying he wanted to make me cum, but I don't understand why I couldn't. What he was doing felt good for the most part... it hurt a little bit though - I'd never done anything like that before. There were points where he was massaging and fingering me and I had to make him stop because I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore... like it was too much for me. That's another thing I don't understand since it felt good. How do I know if I had an orgasm? How do I know if I came? I'm kind of clueless... I know it's odd for someone my age. If I didn't cum is there some way to understand why or help the process along so that if we fool around again I can cum or orgasm. I don't want him to feel bad. I do know there were times where his massaging/fingering hurt - is that normal or was he being too rough without knowing it? Did his fingering kind of hurt because I'm a virgin or something?

Any help would be fabulous!

Oh, I don't know if it matters but he's 32 and pretty experienced.

 

Thank you (in advanced)

[arwen]

Hey Jazziegirl,

 

If you had an orgasm, trust me, you'd KNOW you had an orgasm.

 

The first time is hard, especially when you never reached an orgasm by masturbating. I was like you a long time of my life. I lost my virginity to my first bf, when I was 20 years old. I was raised a christian and sex was a taboo at home. That made me wait with my first bf for a year, until I decided I really wanted to be intimate with him.

 

I think orgasm can be sort of blocked due to different circumstances. Uptil half a year ago I took Efexor (anti-depressant) and I simply couldn't orgasm anymore. It hurt, it was frustrating, but since I lost my lust anyway I didn't care that much. I think also pure psychological reasons (like feeling guilty due to your religious background or stressed due to it being the first time and all) can delay or block the actual orgasm.

 

Are you sure he was touching you in the right place? I dated someone that thought the ultimate place for an orgasm was my vagina and who seemed totally clueless about the existence about the female clitoris

 

Take care and try not to worry too much,

 

Ilse.

[Boricua7]

If you had an orgasm, trust me, you'd KNOW you had an orgasm.

 

THIS IS NO LIE!

 

First thing's first, YOU need to know yourself a little bit better. It's hard to direct someone in doing the right things to make you cum if you don't know how to do it yourself. I'm not saying you HAVE to masterbate before you can achieve an orgasm with someone else, but it does help.

 

It makes sense that at certain points you had him stop because him touching you was almost unbearable (I'm assuming when this occurred he was just massaging you because that's when it has happened to me). All it means is that he was touching you in the right spot but maybe he was just pressing down a little too hard on you.

 

About the fingering hurting you, it may be that he was being too rough. My boyfriend had fingered me before we'd ever had sex and it never hurt. You can be "experienced" and still have no clue what you're doing. Guys who've been sexual in the past don't always get told what they're doing wrong so it doesn't mean that because your guy is "experienced" that he knows exactly how to do things right.

 

The best thing to do is to talk to him. Even talk while things are getting "hot and heavy". My partner and I are very open with eachother and we let eachother know what we like and what we don't like. That way, after awhile, we don't even have to tell eachother anything anymore because the other just knows what to do.

 

I hope this helps!

[JazzyGirl]

It's great to know that there's someone like me out there! I never had a boyfriend and things with this guy are complicated and generally undefined.

I really hope I would know if I had an orgasm... I guess I didn't

 

We have not had sex at this point... even though I'm 25, I don't think I'm ready. I think I'd have too much guilt at this point. He wants to though (he doesn't pressure me at all).

 

I wasn't really raised religious as I was raised traditional and somewhat prudish... I'm religious from my beliefs. I guess I figured I should wait till I'm married, but my horomones or whatever are working on so much overdrive that I experience lots and lots of sexual frustration!

 

Is an orgasm equivalent to cumming? I just wonder why I couldn't cum. I wanted to and I was enjoying it, but still it didn't happen... I was completley into what we were doing - all the massaging and fingering... it was great. I totally thought I would cum, but I couldn't for some reason. He tried so hard to do it. I think the part he was massaging was my clitoris. It felt very good so I'm guessing that's what it was.

I just wish I could figure more of this out and how to cum when we're fooling around like that. Is that difficult for most women... to cum with the guy massaging/fingering?

[Boricua7]

Is that difficult for most women... to cum with the guy massaging/fingering?

 

To answer that question really quick: HECK YES IT IS! My boyfriend and I have been in a serious and committed relationship for over a year and it wasn't until recently that he gave me an orgasm. It helped that I knew exactly how to be touched to achieve one because I've touched myself before.

 

A lot of men don't realize, like ilse said, that the female clitoris even exists (which is exactly where your partner was touching you from what it seems). Only a VERY low percentage of women can achieve an orgasm just through penetration; MOST women need clitoral stimulation.

 

I thought I was abnormal because I hadn't orgasmed yet and I started to thing that maybe I just couldn't. I felt horrible because I love my boyfriend more than words can ever express and everything he did felt good, I just hadn't orgasmed yet. Don't feel that you can't orgasm just because you haven't yet. I don't believe there is a single person on this Earth who is incapable of orgasming. You just need to figure out EXACTLY how you like to be touched, that's all.

 

A lot of the time what holds women back from orgasming is thinking, as stupid as that may sound. Chances are you worry too much about this or that and it gets in the way. You have to be able to totally let yourself go with this man and to just DO. Easier said than done, right? I know the thought of just losing yourself like that can be scary but if you trust the person you're with, you really have nothing to fear.

 

All I can say is experiement with yourself, whether its alone or with your parnter. That's the only way things can get better. Hopefully it won't take you as long as it took me to truly open up to my partner (because I felt bad) and to figure things out.

[Meow18]

Like the others, I didn't orgasm right away. It actually probably took a couple months before I even could. I think it just had to do with feeling relaxed and comfortable with that person.

 

I don't think you need to worry about it hurting when he fingered you. It's normal if that was your first time. Sex usually hurts the first couple of times, so it would only make sense for fingering to hurt too. Just have him be a little more gentle.

 

You are not crazy. I went through the same thing. It is harder for women to have an orgasm. Just have him do what feels good. Having an orgasm will come in time.

 

Whether or not you wait until marriage is something you need to decide for yourself. For me, I didn't care to wait, I just wanted to be with one person who I trusted and loved. Otherwise I would regret it.

[arwen]

I wasn't really raised religious as I was raised traditional and somewhat prudish... I'm religious from my beliefs. I guess I figured I should wait till I'm married, but my horomones or whatever are working on so much overdrive that I experience lots and lots of sexual frustration!

 

If you really want to wait, and you want this from your own belief, you should wait. If you get frustrated, I think that masturbation could help. Unless you belief that this is not according to your beliefs. Then there are still other ways to 'project' that energy, like intensive sports. I haven't had sex for a long time now (half a year), because I am single. I could meet random guys and have fun nights. This is against what I stand for so I won't. Respect your own values. I think you have a great guy as a friend, and who knows the two of you develop something great together.

 

My bf was willing to wait a year, and it was my own choice to break away from family/religious pressures and marry him before having sex. We spent the nights together and we'd fool around. I had never masturbated before I started experimenting with him, so he was the first to give me an orgasm. I masturbated the first time after we had broken up, to be honest.

 

So there is nothing weird about it. It may seem strange to people who have been sexually active since a younger age, but who cares? It's your own feeling that counts. Don't do anything that leaves you confused about yourself.

 

Ilse.

[Tigris]

I suggest you ask him to do oral on you. Get him to concentrate on your clit! Once he's in the right place for you ask him to stay there. It's a lot easier to orgasm (cum) for you.

 

When I orgasm my body has muscle spasms. Sometimes these can be small vibrations and other times they can make me bounce on the bed!

 

The key to orgasming is to relax.

 

Don't expect to have an orgasm during sexual intercourse because most women don't!

 

I hope I've helped.

 

PM me anytime. I'm on MSN as well, just ask for my address.

 

Good luck, take care and most of all HAVE FUN!

[shorty20]

I had this same problem. I orgasmed with my first serious boyfriend after dating him for about 4 months... he was the first to give me an orgasm, and I firmly believe that sometimes, the one thing that sends you over the edge into orgasming is the actual person that is pleasing you. I loved my boyfriend so much, and the fact that he wanted to please me and make me feel good, and watching him do it... just sent me over the edge, so I believe atraction both physically and mentally is a deffinate key to orgasming... at least for me. After we broke up, I was physical with numerous men... and could not for the life of me orgasm with any of them. This was for the most part because I wasn't comfortable with them... I was comfortable with my ex. He was all I coudl think about even when I was with these other men... It took me a whole two years before I actually got off with someone else... and taht was again, because he made me comfortable with him. I felt safe with him. Feeling safe and comfortable are both key factors when it comes to orgasming.... I hope I helped. Just know that you are not alone... it takes some time and experimenting for women... good luck hun!

[JazzyGirl]

I want to thank all of you for such great advice! It really helps to know that I'm not alone, and that I will eventually be able to orgasm.

As for the guy, I'm very comfortable with him. He and I were cuddling and he was holding me and I remember feeling so incredibly safe. It was an amazing feeling. As for the fingering, I was thinking maybe it hurt because he's got thick fingers (if that makes sense, lol).

I do feel comfortable talking to him (even when we were hot and heavy) I remember that there were times when I told him he was in the right spot, but I still couldn't cum. I do feel kind of bad cause he was trying his best to send me over the edge, and I didn't go over.

I'm nervous about the masturbation part because I know nothing at all about it, and I always thought it was "dirty" or "digusting" to do (especially for girls) - I don't know why, but it's sort of embedded in my mind like that.

 

Hopefully he will call me soon (he hasn't yet), and maybe we can experiment together. I would love to have an orgasm with him. I guess next time I feel like I just can't take it anymore (when he's rubbing me) I should tell him to be more gentle? I didn't think he was being rough, but I don't know cause he's the first guy to touch me like that.

Also, do you all have any advice on how to tell him that he could kiss better? I know it sounds silly, but for me, I prefer longer kisses (and kissing is important to me). His kisses are sort of short and he kind of shoots his tongue in and out. It's really hard to put into words. I just am not sure how to say something without being offensive or hurting his feelings or insulting him (or his ego)... Thanks!!!

[Meow18]

I'm not sure what you could say to him. But maybe try not pulling away? Or if you feel him start to pull away, move closer. You could also try putting your hand on the back of his head so that he can't pull away. He might get the idea. If that doesn't work, then just tell him that you like long kisses. You don't have to say that you don't like the way he kisses, just generally say it.

 

I think kissing is just something that you have to practice it. He will learn from you.

[Derek]

Good advice above...

About the kissing, spin it in a positive way, say something like " I really like kissing you, can we try kissing slower and for longer this time? I really like what your lips feel like can we kiss with those more for a while? "

 

About the rubbing (petting) stuff, did you know guys also can get the same feeling where they can't take it anymore and they need a break or it feels "raw" ? It's like the nerve endings are too sensitive and it changes into a painful feeling. (Often happens right after an orgasm too) When that happens the "rubbing" just has to change to a different place or a different way, or slow it down alot, or simply take a break and change to kissing or whatever.

 

Now my assumption is that it is this kind of physical feeling you have, there is also psychological barriers that guys and girls can have too. Some people can be so very excited that you might feel you can't contain yourself and feel you have to pull back. It can happen involuntarily, because one have never fully let yourself go there before and it all feels foreign and "wrong" even. That's why people talk about self-pleasuring alone so that you feel completely safe to push it through and let it all go.

 

Those are the two areas to pursue I think.

[JazzyGirl]

Thanks Derek, it's nice to have a guy's view (I think that you're the first guy to post on my problem). Anyways, perhaps there are psychological barriers merely because I haven't experienced it before. I'm not sure. I think because I'm so unfamiliar I am not sure what to do. He tried to push through it, but it was like I couldn't take it anymore. He even joked with me that next time he'd handcuff me (he was kidding). LOL

I don't really know much about doing it myself. I always thought it was wrong; however, I tried it the other day, but I still got the whole I can't take it feeling. I did push a bit further, but I had to stop because... I don't know how to describe it... it was like my legs... well... my whole body... tightens and I feel like I have to close my legs together because it's unbearable - that's the best I can describe it in words... It's not painful though... it's some other feeling... It's a good feeling, but it's unbearable to take. Wow, who knew words could be so inadequate at times, LOL. Anyways, hopefully I'm not being overly confusing.

 

By the way, I have to just say thanks!!!!! EVERYONE on here is so GREAT! I'm so glad I stumbled accross this community!

[lucky_star]

Try this website...it has tons of information. It's a lot of reading but well worth it. I used to be in a situation similar to yours and after reading it I learned sooooo much.

 

 

 

Hope this helps