mentaltorture Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 I am literally dying inside because of an incident that occurred this past weekend involving my girlfriend and her brothers best man. This past weekend my live-in girlfriend and I attended her brothers wedding. We are totally in love (at least I felt we were)and share the same beliefs concerning loyalty and trust. the day after the wedding, my gf's brother (lets say Jon) had a party at his place. My gf and I went to the party at about 8:00, however at 1:30 I wanted to go home because I was feeling tired and was not having a good time because most of the guests were people who "stood" in the wedding and were complete strangers to me. My gf told me that she wanted to stay for a hour or so because it was jon's wedding party. I told her this would be ok and to get a cab home when he was ready. I went home and waited until 5:00 am for her to show. She didn't... I began to wonder what was going on and if she was OK, so I drove to her brothers house to go in and get her. While I was outside of the house I heard them all up talking and still drinking, so I decided not to go in order to avoid all of the drunk talk etc... I returned home. at 7:30 a.m I went back because I was curious about where my gf was sleeping. I walked in the house to find bodies sprawled out everywhere but I coudln't see my gf. I went downstairs to the guest bedroom to find my gf lying in bed on her side with jon's best man spooning around her with his hand on her stomach and his arm under her head. They were both fully dressed yet under the top cover of the bed. I was in shock as I know how my gf feels about me and I am generally not naive about my place in a relationship. I grabbed her and started shaking her (not with intent to hurt of course) she moaned and was very confused (like she was in a trance) I left the room for about 10 seconds then returned to get her out of there. WHne I returned, the guy was now lying on his back and she was lying with her head on his chest and his arm around her. I grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her out of bed and told her to get in the car. At this time the "best man" awoke and groaned several times shook his head and stated: "whoa ..aww man... nothing happened...still shaking his head to clear the "cobwebs" My gf and I went upstairs and she was still in a daze. She picked up a phone (which is an antique and doesn't work) and repeatly tried to call her brother (while we are actually in his house) from here I realized that she was totally out of it (probably because she was drunk and still half asleep) I got her in the car and totally lost my mind. It took her about 3 minutes to wake up and try to explain what happened. She told me that she didnt' remember a thing except going to bed alone, then the best man jumping in on the bed (super single size) and saying something like"hows my little sister?" She then says that the next thing she remembers is me pulling her out of the bed. She says that she can't remember anything else, but she knows nothng else happened. I truly believe she loves me as she tells me very often in the form of "I am so in love with you, you are the man of my dreams" I believe that she feels like this, and I feel the same. However, I feel like she has cheated on me, regardless of how drunk she was. I am finding it hard to believe that she can't remember anything. I know I would. I broke up with my gf, but have since took her back. I am still having trouble getting over this, and am not sure if I ever will. With any other girl, I would have just left and considered the relationship to be over. However, because of the way I know with both feel about each other I decided to give it a chance. Is it worth it? Should this be considered the same as cheating although nothing sexual happened? My gf is very sorry about what happened and has cried continuously for hours over this. I find it hard to feel sorry for her, but I don't want her to be hurt. What should I do? I spoke with Jon about what I saw and he said he wasn't worried because his best man was a very moral guy and we both know what my gf is like (at least I hope we do). I am finding it hard to believe that both of them were so intoxicated that neither can remember a thing. They never spoke about what happened as the best man returned home that same day. However, I am consdering asking my girlfriend to send him an email asking him to outline everything he can remember from that night and not to worry about anyone else reading the email... this way I feel that if something happened that she is not telling me about, I will find out... (in other words, I want to be sure that I can trust her about nothing happening) On the other hand, if there is something to hide, he may "see right through" my plan to "entrapp" and just say exactly what my gf said ...... I am obviously tearing myself up over this, but I can't help it.... I was going to ask this girl to marry me, now I am not sure if I am going to leave her again... please help Link to comment
street dreamer Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 yea im sorry man ,but i think your girlfriend did more then just 2 sleep in the same bed with him dont be so naive i learned along time ago never put anything past a female look @ it like this she gave you some *** so why wouldn't she give the next man some.[size=7][/size]no matter what you do for a girl its never enough Link to comment
Colls Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 I think it isnt cheating. They were both fully dressed, and both very drunk. Their were "bodies" sprawled everywhere as u said, so ppl may have just been trying to find a place to sleep. If u and your gf have this great trust, then u shouldnt have to worry about it. The whole phone thing that doesnt work situation, proves how still drunk she was. I kno it was hard seeing them together like that, but u should believe in her word that nothing happened. Dont let this ruin your relationship. Is one drunk night worth losing her for the rest of your life? Let her kno how much it hurt you to see her in bed with that guy. But in my opinion unlike others I dont think its chesating, just from the past the two of you have, and the trust issues. I hope i helped in some way to keep u with the love of your life. Link to comment
street dreamer Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 yea im sorry man ,but i think your girlfriend did more then just 2 sleep in the same bed with him dont be so naive i learned along time ago never put anything past a female look @ it like this she gave you some *beep* so why wouldn't she give the next man some. no mattter what you do for a girl its never enough Link to comment
bzborow1 Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Sorry man. I think she did more then just passing out in the wrong spot. Firstly, no matter how drunk she was there would be no excuse for even letting another guy on the bed (it was a small one), let alone putting his arms around her. If there wasn't anything physical there was at least a mental connection in this. The only other scenario would be cause to go after the guy. In my view, the only other explanation would be that your gf passed out and the guy came and put himself in that position....but sorry man, i doubt that. Link to comment
Momof3 Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 I would trust her. It sounds to me like they were all really drunk and just passed out. If she had actually been able to take her clothes off and do anything I doubt she would have bothered to put them back on. People do black out when they drink too much but it doesn't mean they did anything wrong. When people are asleep next to someone they often cuddle up even if they aren't aware of who it is because they are asleep! Does she have a problem with alcohol or was this a one time thing? If she drinks a lot, that could be the problem. As far as cheating goes, I don't think she cheated. Link to comment
someguy213 Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Og course the girl cheated on you.... where there is smoke there is usually fire...don't be stupid you found them in bved together! would she have told you this if you didn't catch her? what was she doing there anyway? and why didn't she come home with you? areb't you the man of her dreams? do youthink she was dreaming of you when she was curled up with this guy? and why isn't her brother saying something to this guy? I think you know what you have to do: KICK HER ASS TO THE CURB!!!! Link to comment
RARA Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Get over your jealous self and stay with her. She obviously feels very bad over nothing, and it's just causing both of you grief. Forget about what happened (which I'm sure is absolutely nothing) and move on with the relationship. Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Dear Mentaltorture I like the fact that you wanted to go home at a reasonable hour. And you knew when to call it quits. You have to ask yourself, why did she want to stay behind by herself and not just leave with you the "so called" love of her life? It is called "Hidden Agenda" my friend. The truth of the matter is you found out what type of person she is "early" and that is a good thing for you (consider yourself lucky) this person is not of good loyal character. This same thing happened to me awhile back. My so called "X" started to all of a sudden, want to go out with the girls more. Not a problem we all need to go out and have some fun. But then it was 4:30 to 7am in the morning on the return. Well all the bars close at 2 pm. So where were you till then darling ? It was the mental torture waiting and wondering where she "really" was. Will I ever really know the truth for sure ? Nadda...I will not. Of course her answer was nothing happened. Needless to say we are not together anymore, Boo-Bye...Gotta Go darling if I can't trust you. Why did I go ??? I lost the trust, and once you lose that (because you only give it once it's gone forever) and it is never the same again, as much as you try to make it the same it just never is. Sounds as if to me (even if they were drunk and it does not matter) she has a responsibility to you and this so called relationship and to show it the respect any relationship deserves. And she did not do that at all.What she did was total disrespect. If you take her back and forgive her ,what about the next party or situation when you turn your back, do you always want that mental torture feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can't trust her ? You know the answer. you really do. But your trying to make it work out in your head, but your heart sends you other messages i'm sure. Take it from me, get rid of her and look for someone that you can trust. When the trust is gone, the future is gone. You can't trust her anymore. You will never know the truth, they will never tell you they slept together, they never do, they lie instead.And even if they told you they did sleep with each other....we'll what's the point, that would only hurt you more...and she has already hurt you enough...otherwise you would not be here.People like that are know as cheaters and liars, do you want to have a relationship with someone like that ? So kick her to the curb the same way you said you did the others in the past. I have found in dating women, if they are still looking for the greener pastures on the other side of the fence, when they are saying they want a relationship. That once they take that route, and hop the fence....we'll for me it has to be... see "ya" Good-Bye" then they find out it's really not that much greener on the other side and want to come back........."Fear of Loss my friend, we all get it from time to time......So now you want to come back and you want me to trust you again, and while you were away you did not sleep with anyone (yeah right) and I am suppose to believe this "CRAP", " My answer is always "Sorry" Got to Go, it never works out..... and dude, when you find your "so called Girl in the arms of another man........that ought to be telling you something. Love is blind my friend, and I know it hurts as it always does when trust is broken, but you may want to have your eyes checked and get some glasses, clothes on or not. She is not worth it. Find someone you can trust, and it is not her I can promise you that. She violated the trust, not you. You did nothing wrong, and as a matter of fact went well beyond the call of duty ...you worried about her and her safety.....you even went back for her.........that must have really hurt. It will all work out on way or the other my friend, it always does. But do yourself a favor, find someone that respects you as much as you do them. Liars and cheaters are not welcome into my heart or home "EVER.....not EVER"...no matter what they say.....because cheaters, lie, and liars cheat. It has been the same for thousands of years and will be the same for thousands of years to come. You tried my friend....now let her go, and get on with your life....with someone that really cares. Good Luck Kuhl Link to comment
joeshabadoe Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Your post just hit home with me, thanks. To the other guy something happened there my friend. Have you never been drinking till 5am and wound up in bed with a girl? I have and there is nothing inoscent about it. But hey if you can live with it then saty with her. Link to comment
scotty77 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Being drunk isn't an exuse in my book.Ultimately it's your call but I don't think I would want to stay in the relationship. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I seriously doubt anything happened. Who puts their clothes back on after fooling around? I would be more concerned with the fact that she drank so much. Are either of you addressing that aspect of it? Because chances are she wouldn't have found herself in that situation if she hadn't been drunk, and that's a problem. Was this the only time she's ever been that drunk? The only reason I would say that you should end the relationship is because you can't seem to let it go. That's your right, but to stay with her and continue to bring it up or worry about it seems pointless. So I guess you have to ask yourself: can you move on? If the answer is no, best to break up. Link to comment
d24 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 OH MY GOD how many untrusting men are on these forums... I mean, sure you're here because you've generally had problems but to me this is black and white... ~Sure she was snuggled up close with him which is something to be p'd off at, but seriously? Cheating? Why the heck is this considered cheating? So she got trashed and slept in a bed, clothed, with another guy. If she says nothing happened you need to believe her. If you love her as much as you claim you'd trust her too. Love is nothing without trust. Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Ok the people who are saying "she definitely cheated" are really not worth listening to, obviously no one knows for sure if she cheated and I doubt anyone ever will. If neither person can remember what happened then you are NEVER going to get the full story because neither are going to remember what happened if they can't now. This is something you can either believe and move past or you can sit and dwell on it but the fact is that you won't get a straight answer if neither can remember what happened. I have been in situations where I have blacked out from too much alcohol and not had recollections of what happened that night. It is really scary. I don't remember what happened some nights (I have had memory loss from drinking about 4 times in my life). But when people are drunk they USUALLY still know what they are doing and still contain their morals, or I do at least. So I would say, believe what your gf says. If both her and the guy are known have morals then I would believe that nothing happened, esp since they were fully clothed. They were at a party and crashed out in the same bed. I doubt anything happened at all. Your gf is obviously upset by what has happened and hates that she can't remember anything. At the end of the day, you can dwell on it for ages and not get to the bottom of it and break up with her or you can try and move past it and accept what both your gf and the guy say. I would go with the latter. Link to comment
joeshabadoe Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 OH MY GOD how many untrusting men are on these forums... I mean, sure you're here because you've generally had problems but to me this is black and white... ~Sure she was snuggled up close with him which is something to be p'd off at, but seriously? Cheating? Why the heck is this considered cheating? So she got trashed and slept in a bed, clothed, with another guy. If she says nothing happened you need to believe her. If you love her as much as you claim you'd trust her too. Love is nothing without trust. So finding your boyfriend at after he had been drinking all night in bed with another girl spooning would be ok with you? If its not cheating then what is it? Harmless grinding? Personally I have been at many parties in my single days where we drank all night and usually if nothing is going on she would have been passed out in the room with all the people. Not in a private room with another man. Hell she said she dosent remember anything anyway so why do you say he is not trusting her? The guy walked in on this situation which has to be hard as hell to deal with. I don't think he should walk away from the relationship but he also shouldn't be nieve about what happened. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 So finding your boyfriend at after he had been drinking all night in bed with another girl spooning would be ok with you? If its not cheating then what is it? Harmless grinding? Personally I have been at many parties in my single days where we drank all night and usually if nothing is going on she would have been passed out in the room with all the people. Not in a private room with another man. Hell she said she dosent remember anything anyway so why do you say he is not trusting her? The guy walked in on this situation which has to be hard as hell to deal with. I don't think he should walk away from the relationship but he also shouldn't be nieve about what happened. I don't think anyone is saying it would be okay. There's a difference between something being okay and the opposite end of the spectrum, which is assuming that all manner of things went on between them. The bottom line here is that it happened, most likely as a result of drinking way too much as opposed to a problem in the relationship itself. He can either accept her apology and move on, or break up with her. The third option of staying together but continually distrusting her and bringing it up won't work. Link to comment
LifesontheUp Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I noticed you put you are thinking of leaving her again. So has something happened previously? Link to comment
ryan123 Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I noticed you put you are thinking of leaving her again. So has something happened previously? He broke up with her and then he took her back and is thinking of leaving again. I hope that helps clarify. I'd end it with her. Not because of what may or may not have happened(granted i'd been livid if I walked in on that), but just because she let herself get like that. When im in a relationship with someone im in it for the long haul. And I don't want to marry someone who gets too drunk to remember. Link to comment
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