Experiencing big problems....

[TweedledBeatle]

Hi all. Sorry if this is a bit long.

 

I feel like I'm quickly approaching the end of my rope. I suffer from terrible depression. I've lost enjoyment in things I once loved doing. I can't concentrate when I'm reading or watching something. Even music, which was once a great pick-me-up, is starting to lose its affect. It's getting harder and harder to pick myself up when I'm down. I'm having trouble getting out, learning to drive, getting a job, forming relationships based on love and trust. I can still get out of bed in the morning, but it's a major struggle to do anything more than sit in front of the computer and be online all day.

 

I decided to get help, about three months ago. I took advantage of a free employee counseling program offered through my dad's work. The plan was five free sessions with a counselor (one session every week for five weeks). The talk therapy alone started slowly working. My mood started lifting and, while I still fell back, it wasn't hard for me to get back up again. No medication, just talking.

 

Just as I was developing a rapport with my counselor (who was just wonderful, by the way), the five week period ended. Since she was not carried by my parents' health insurance plan, I couldn't start seeing her on a regular basis. That was the end of that. I was left to fend for myself, and things just got worse and worse until it brought me to where I am now.

 

A major worrying point for me is this:

 

My parents' health insurance provider stipulates that I must either have a job, go to school, or both by the time I'm 19 or my coverage will run out. Well, I'm 19, and if I don't do either of those things by December 31st of this year, I'll have no medical coverage. That means that should something happen to me, I'll be unable to be treated. My depression seizes me with a death grip, and while I've tried to go back to school or find work, my depression just tightens its hold around me even more as if to say "No, you belong to me." The fact that insurance companies are notorious for giving very little coverage regarding mental health issues doesn't help either.

 

So I have two options:

 

1) Try to live with my depression untreated, which could be very difficult and just might be fruitless because everytime I score a victory over it, it comes back with even greater force and kicks me down.

 

2) Just kill myself and end everything definitively. I feel like I'm letting down my parents, my little brother, and my grandparents by just sitting at home all day doing nothing. My grandfather especially likes to point out, whenever my brother talks about his minor high school successes, how far behind him I am.

 

So I ask all you kind folk this: What do I do?

 

Thank you.

[PocoDiablo]

Depression can be a very serious issue, as I've been there - albeit a long time ago. Looking back, I realize the root of my despression - I had NO social skills. I had a hard time making friends, I certaintly did not have a girlfriend, and those two things combined made me an outcast. Sure, I was depressed, and with good reason. Somehow I would suspect you may also have root causes, and I wonder if you can identify them would that help?

 

In my opinion, well lemme tell you ... wow, I am so glad I was unsuccessful in my suicide attempt.

 

What changed for me? Well, I started reading books about learning to make friends, how to meet people, how to meet women. These were all high priority issues for me. Slowly, by reading autobiographies and biographies of successful people I learned all the things my family never taught me. My father was emotionally absent. My mother passed away *just* when she told me "You're old enough to know how the world really works." So I realized I just had to educate myself. I've learned so much it's amazing. I try to give back a little by helping folks out now. I see myself in other folks every day and want to let folks know there really IS better. You just need to find someone who's been through it before, who is a little older than you, and ASK for help.

 

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My GF had a MAJOR bout of depression a few weeks ago. And when I say major, I mean ... wow, I had to hide everything sharp in the house and handcuff her arm to my arm when we went to bed. Yeah, that bad. What happened? Well, she took a new job. Higher paying, shorter commute, nicer people and all that. Turns out she was having to work 10-14 hours a day. And since she was salaried that meant she actually took a massive pay cut. They also dumped WAY too much work on her. She had a nervous breakdown and that was that. She's 23, BTW.

 

She has now been working with a psychiatrist who has her on Wellbutrin SR (the XL did not work for her, made her an insomniac!) and it's made a really big difference. I mean - amazing. We are starting to think that she may have a minor chemical imbalance. It's probably not that uncommon, and we think the medication is a simple fix. She is not on insurance any more so we are just paying out of pocket. It's just a few hundred bucks a month, and any part-time job would cover that.

 

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So, my advice? Stick with the psychologist, but maybe talk to a psychiatrist also. Once you figure out what is going on, you may feel better and decide to take on an easy job. Just be sure you do something where you feel you are LEARNING something. (Never take a job for money; take jobs for skills or opportunities.)

 

I cannot tell you how drastically my life has changed from when I was 18 and I drove my car into a tree (didn't work, BTW.) If I even tried, I would just sound like a braggart. I've had more fun, done all the crazy things I never thought would happen, and really been happy.

 

Even if your insurance is going to run out, you can get other insurance. link removed is Kaiser Permanente and they would probably cost you less than $100/mo to join if they are in your area. They are pretty good, too.

 

Remember, there are always obstacles in life just like there are always slow cars in the fast lane. All you have to do is look for a way around them.

 

Oh, and you know what? Your grandfather has no tact and you should never listen to ANYone who says anything negative about you. Einstein flunked math, as did many other incredibly smart people. Research has also shown that many of the most successful people in the world hated school, did poorly in school, or otherwise were anti-social in many ways. I flunked math 4 years in a row. Guess why? It turns out it's because Algebra is so simple I can do it in my head, but if you try to make me write it down it slows me down and I lose track. Needless to say, when I figured that out, I got an A+ in Algebra - in college.

 

So, do you know WHY you are depressed? Are you living at home and getting hell for it? Go rent a room! link removed has lots of share rentals for $200 - $300 a month. A change of scenery is always good for me - it allows me to re-invent myself.

 

Hang in there, you'll be glad you did!

[not_invincible]

Just a couple months ago I was at the point where I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning, so I know where you are. In my opinion, I think you need to forget about the Dec. 31 deadline (maybe easier said than done); getting a worthwhile job or getting into a school is probably not possible within two months, unless you've already got something lined up.

 

If I've learned anything over my years with depression (yeah, I know I'm just 20, but it has been years...), it's to take things slowly, sometimes agonizingly so. Don't think of a little bit of progress as a "victory" over your depression, think of it as just that, a little bit of progress.

 

I got into a co-op program at my school to force myself to get some different jobs, meet new people and to move out of my parents' house (gradually I move farther away for each job, independence is very difficult to master...). Depending on your interests (what are your interests by the way?) you could do the same. Tell us a little bit more about how life with your parents/grandparents is, and what kind of jobs/classes you;re looking into.

[TweedledBeatle]

First of all, thank you guys for your advice. I've been thinking about it a lot.

 

Life with my parents/grandparents....hmm....It's stable enough. My grandfather doesn't do it all of the time. There are days where it's never brought up at all and nothing is stressed. My mother used to badger me about getting a job but I told her two nights ago that until I get my mental and emotional affairs in order, I'll be no good at a job. She's stopped bugging me about it when I have enough on my mind as it is.

 

It's very hard right now, mentally, for me. I've fallen into a rut of severely overthinking things. I overthink even my favorite music, T.V. shows, and movies so much I can't even enjoy them. I've isolated myself for such an extended period that I think I've become a prisoner of my mind and that's exacerbated my pre-existing depression. Nothing's come along that's actually made me feel instead of just think. I think that if I get to a point in my life where I can feel and not go overboard on the thinking part, I'll enjoy things, and life in general, much much more.

 

But still....some days the urge to end it all is incredible. It feels like the thinking will never end and the feeling will never begin again. And I don't want to go through life over using my brain and under using my heart.