Was a B@st@rd. Want to make amends to her.

[8minuteslate]

I need advice about what I should do post-breakup. There's always a long story behind every relationship, but I'll try to be concise. Hope there's someone out there who can give me advice, or give me the finger, since I deserve that as well.

 

I knew this girl for about 6 months before we started officially being a couple. There were some dates before that, but I saw it as more just hanging out, doing stuff with a friend.

 

I kissed her one time before we got together, and then the next day, told her it was a mistake, and could we go back to being friends. She seemed OK about it, but I think she was deeply hurt that I wasn't able to see her as anything more.

 

Two months ago, I kissed her again, and this time, we got together for real.

 

A month into it and I started to doubt if getting together was right, again. Sure, I enjoyed her company, and liked her as a friend, and was attracted to her. But in my mind, it was less serious than she wanted it to be. I was merely enjoying being with her, but she was falling in love. She would give the silent treatment, which added more to my doubts about the health of the relationship.

 

I ended it after two months. That was OK in itself, but I made a big mistake after that. The next night, I went back to her and asked her to take me back. She accepted. The morning after that, I broke up with her again. She was devastated, after believing all I said about wanting to try again, for real. I returned to her place one final time again, to tell her everything, and that I didn't love her, and how sorry I was that I was so irresponsible and heartless with her feelings.

 

I've just kinda come out of a pretty bad guilt trip. It helped to make me see just how badly I screwed up. But now, I feel that I want to make amends. This may be a dangerous move.

 

Here's my question. Should I initiate contact? She asked me to promise that I would send her a photo of the two of us. I promised I would. I was considering sending that to her soon, along with a letter, that basically said I was sorry to cause her so much pain, and that I wouldn't torment her again after this.

 

Or, should I leave it be, and accept that she will never ever have any respect for me again, and in her eyes, I will always be a heartless b@st@rd. I don't know how she's feeling now, and I don't want to add to her hurt by initiating contact again.

 

What do you think? Thank you for reading this.

[smiles314]

i think that a letter and a picture would be really nice for her to read. I've been in ur ex's place recently. She isnt going to be quick to trust u or have faith in you, and may even not believe what ur letter is going to say. BUt if you show her your sincerity, and carry out ur promise to deliver a photo...i think she would like it. And it would be really nice to see that you are still appreciated by ur ex, and he still does care about you. But dont go back on your word again, and mess around with her again because that can really screw up a girl pretty badly. Be kind, take it slow and dont push. If she apprecaites ur letter, she will come around.. Maybe say something in their that you would like to talk to her, but will wait for her to contact u if she is interested.

[8minuteslate]

It's what I DO want to do. I DO want to let her know how I feel. But after the whole thing, I'm very unsure of my own actions now (hence this post for advice).

 

Isn't it selfish of me to contact her when she's trying to move on? It's like saying "Ok, I feel better now, hence you should feel better too."

 

The trouble is that, she may still be in love with me. I don't want to do this and have her relive the entire thing in her mind again. I forgot to mention that it's her first relationship (even though she's in her twenties). I feel completely crap that it had to be such a bad first relationship.

 

Or, she could be successfully moving on by telling herself that she hates me. If so, then what good would my interfering do?

 

Thanks for answering so quickly, smiles314.

[swimchick03]

I've been there, too. Im not 20, but my 1st relationship was pretty bad too, so I know what she's feeling. What happened ot me was that I talked to him about still being friends b/c I could accept the relationship was over, but I couldnt accept the friendship was over. So we got close again, and I fell back in love, and it ended up to make it the biggest fight Ive ever been in. I lost all contact w/him and I still dont like him to this day.

What I think you should do is definitely do the letter and the photo, but dont say things you dont mean. Then, just wait for her to make the next move. But I think you should wait a few weeks so to make sure she is over you as a b/f, and is more willing to open up to a friendship.

Good Luck, hope this helps!!

-SC03

[smiles314]

Hey 8minuteslate...

 

So r u basically just looking to make peace with this girl, and not want to get romantically involved with her in anyway, just become friends and clear and bad air between you to? Am i correct in understanding that? I wouldnt push this girl. Id still definitely write her the letter. But i wouldnt do much mroe than that. Its up to her, if she wants to do something more. Id again mention in the letter that you would like to speak to her as friends to explain how sorry u feel but will wait for her to contactt u because u dont want to do anything she doesnt feel comfortable with. Just totaly and completely put her needs first in this letter, dont write it so u just have a clean conscience. My first real relationship ended pretty badly too. And my bf had turned into the biggest jerk. THe main problem was that he didnt just say gbye and let it go. He kept comnig back, changing his mind over and over again. Eventually he drove me crazy, and ***ed up my head so bad. Now my trust and faith in his is pretty much done. U dont want to do any mroe damage here. So just make sure that you are doing something you wont go back on.. And if u are honest and sincere then let her see that you care about her feelings.

 

GL

[8minuteslate]

I'm not even sure I deserve the "friend" label to her. But yes, that is what I am saying. I am NOT looking to get back together with her. I just want to know that she will be OK. No pressure to re-establish contact. No pressure to "just be friends".

 

All your advice has been helpful. Yes I think I need to keep my promise. Give me strength.

 

Thanks for all your help, everyone.

[dazn]

This girl doesnt seem to be your soulmate or someone whom you would die for but she does seem to be someone you care for. Let the space between you two air out and when both of you feel comfortable, let her know how you feel. There will be less pressure and resentment if any plus you'll both feel better.

[8minuteslate]

Ok I did it. Sent the letter and photo. In the letter, I apologised to her and told her that I hoped she was OK.

 

She txt-ed me the next morning to say thanks, but I could tell that she's still devastated that even though I'm the one for her, she's not the one for me. I guess she probably even finds it hard to believe what I said. You guys were right about that one.

 

Wow, guess I'm fortunate that she can still talk to me after what I did. We haven't communicated at all after that. I don't want to mess her up, so I guess its entirely up to her if she can view me as a friend (but I don't think that will happen anytime soon, or ever)

 

Thanks for all the help, everyone.