My Time's Up...

[FoxLocke]

I remember when I tried to commit suicide at the age of 17. I felt as hopeless and full of despair as hope of the heart.

I really don't know what to tell you besides things WILL get better.

Death is so final. The pain you are feeling is only temporary and will subside.

When I tried to kill myself it was because I was depressed about so many things...I'm gay and I was dealing with a horrible case of body dysmorphic disorder...I felt like I couldn't go on and that I didn't have a place in this world.

But through finding faith and psychological therapy I was able to come to a place of self love and acceptance.

 

Hope, you are worthy of life. You are worthy of being here. And you have something special to offer the world. Don't deny us the privilege of not having you here as long as possible.

[neva_black_n_white]

You are so creative, I mean just reading whats here is enough to see that. Death isnt the only option you have, maybe you havent been shown different oppotunities. I dont want to talk at you as thought you havent a clue, because you have. Heck i dont think it takes 5 minutes to sum up your life and sign it away. But what i am saying is - does death justify COMPLETELY how you feel? Without a doubt. Your scared, who wouldnt be, but thats doubt isnt it? Isnt that enough to stop yourself? I dont know how it feels, Im an ameature, Novice, im 17 years old and dont know where im going but im not going to stop. You DONT have to. I mean you have ambitions, youve said that already.

 

Im not too great on these (shouting out to the entire nation) but if your still around, and have a computer, well you know where im at. My hotmail (if you have it) just.. id like to help.

 

(this post may make no sense at all.. i kind of responded after reading the first few).

much ... kell.

[Shadows Light]

HOPE... please write to me... PM me...MSN me.. Yahoo me.. Please...

talk to me Hope.

[hopeofheart]

I am an utter failure. I couldn't go through with it; I am a coward deserved to be shot.

[melrich]

Hope, I'm gald you could not go through with it, you are not a coward, the bravest thing you can do is to keep living.

 

There are avenues of help. You really should seek them out because you have so much life ahead of you.

[hopeofheart]

I never announced that I wouldn't "have" to go through with it. As painful as it may sound, it is just a matter of time, circumstance, and having enough guts to actually transforming the decision into reality. I am merely living week by week, coming up to the surface for a gasp of air just to descend into my abyss of dejection. I truly wished I had the ability to overcome my lack of ratiocinative thinking. I know for the fact what will get me out this swamp of depression but I am constantly reminded by how far fetched my salvation lies. I have so much to say but the words wouldn't come out. I am in permanent state of blockage and I can't seem to set myself free.

[melrich]

[i know for the fact what will get me out this swamp of depression /QUOTE]

 

What would get you out of it?

[darkblue]

You do not have to live 'week by week'.

Live 'day by day' - every day is a fresh. Some are bad, and some not so bad.

 

Talk to me.

[neva_black_n_white]

Holding back isnt cowardess at all, Melrich is right, its probably the most courageous thing youve done. To fall virtually right to the bottom and begin pulling yourself back out is one of the toughest things to do. It shows hope. You arent a failure. I promise (and i dont tend to do that often, so i hope that says something).

If you want to talk then maybe I can help (although i am a little naive).

 

Nice to see you around!

kell.

[Shadows Light]

Hope... what would it take to pull yourself up? I'm glad you were strong and I am glad you were brave!!! Coming up for air is a good thing... lets see if we can get you coming up for air more often. Whats it going to take? I've offered my hand so many times, I've asked you to PM, I"ve asked you to MSN. Lets break it up into managable buckets and deal with things one at a time..

[hopeofheart]

I believe my salvation from the current situation is to find a job in my field. Not just a job but rather a career; something that is psychologically rewarding to you not running around, scheduling work with sub-contractors, being yelled at for not knowing the ups and downs of the task, or doing accounting. Without that job, you don't have an identity. All the human relationships and what not come second. If you are not independent, if you are not standing on your own feet, you are basically nobody. It is by far the most quintessential necessity in every thriving soceity for its people to be free and have a good job, something they can be proud of which can lead to also social contacts, self-esteem, and a better quality of life. Top that with constant abuse and pressure of those who are holding your life by the thread and you'll get someone like me.

 

Frankly, I can PM, IM, and cry on your shoulder as much as you let me but at the end nothing is solved unless I can get a job and get away from the pain I'm enduring. And trust me, I have pretty much run all my options, knocked on every door, begged for a bit of chance but no opportunity has been presented. In all honesty, everyone has a threshold, you keep pounding on it and the person will eventually crack.

[melrich]

Not just a job but rather a career; something that is psychologically rewarding to you not running around, scheduling work with sub-contractors, being yelled at for not knowing the ups and downs of the task, or doing accounting.

 

Well I think that would be a sentiment most people would express. Problem is something like 95% (roughish guess) of the world's population is stuck in menial, management driven jobs or routine labor driven jobs or basically hard labor.

 

What is your field?

[neva_black_n_white]

I have a friend who feels the same. He is in the job but he feels completely worthless where he is, he has nothing to thrive for withing the job, fair enough he looks good on the outside and often perceptions count for alot of people, but he feels like complete s***. The people there treat him like it, it isnt anywhere near his ambitions, dead end, no chance of rising anywhere.

 

so i can see what you mean with the job, its vital, and ontop of that its income to provide you with everything else you need.

 

BUT when we worked on it for him, hes 22 (were no talking a part time student here.. just incase you were wondering because of my age) by the way, we kind of constructed the plan and best of all we DIDNT give time limits in succeeding in them.

 

 

so lets attempt it with you.

Your occupation, "career" as you want to call it is highly important..

 

so

1: weve established why its important

2: now whats your field?

3: what different routes are there towards entering it?

4: is there anything you can do to aid you when you go for interviews etc (do you need work experience/certain age/worked in the field before/voluntry work)?

5: are you willing to start somewhere else and work up?

 

 

see where im going. im not saying you have to do this, you probably already have. but i always find if theres a PLAN then you usually get action.

 

Im sure i could do alot of crying on someones shoulder, and if you can be pushed down so many times that you crack im sure you can cry so many times that you see the light and move up for once.

 

thats just my bit for today.

Over and out! kell x

[hopeofheart]

I had a moderately calm week until today. I am so depressed at this moment that every once an hour my tears come streaming down my face. I can't explain how I feel because my emotions are numb. This cycle never ends i dont' even know why i am even bothering writjng this post why even ttry anymore there is nothing left to fix i have no chance in life

[Shadows Light]

Sure there is HOPE... you had a calm week. Have you noticed a pattern to your feelngs of hopelessness. It comes around the weekend. Why is that?

 

HOPE... what do you do for fun. Other than listen to beautiful music? Read voraciously, play on your computer?

 

Do you live in a rural area? metropolitan area? Any descent art museums in your area? Museums? If I were a vistor to your town.. what points of interest would you tell me are MUST SEE. How would you to advice me to spend the weekend?

 

Come on... be creative.

 

HOPE... you have to STOP feeling sorry for yourself. And you have to dig deep and get a bit of that HUMAN SPIRIT and kick yourself into gear. NOTHING on this Gods green earth can not be overcome, nothing. Just takes a teeny tiny light... to light your way.

 

BTW... you never answered my question on you AVATAR. Where's it from? Was I right?

[Shadows Light]

Sure there is HOPE... you had a calm week. Have you noticed a pattern to your feelngs of hopelessness. It comes around the weekend. Why is that?

 

HOPE... what do you do for fun. Other than listen to beautiful music? Read voraciously, play on your computer?

 

Do you live in a rural area? metropolitan area? Any descent art museums in your area? Museums? If I were a vistor to your town.. what points of interest would you tell me are MUST SEE. How would you to advice me to spend the weekend?

 

Come on... be creative.

 

HOPE... you have to STOP feeling sorry for yourself. And you have to dig deep and get a bit of that HUMAN SPIRIT and kick yourself into gear. NOTHING on this Gods green earth can not be overcome, nothing. Just takes a teeny tiny light... to light your way.

 

BTW... you never answered my question on you AVATAR. Where's it from? Was I right?

[darkblue]

NOTHING on this Gods green earth can not be overcome, nothing.

Agreed.

 

I've said it many times before; but I'll say it again:

Self-loathing is human, it's normal - and we all do it. It's not sad or stupid.

However, if you do nothing about it - it's pathetic.

 

You must constantly try and better yourself and better your feelings.

 

I've sent you multiple PMs and you did not reply.

So, the boards it is.

[Bethany]

Go to the doctors and NO excuses!

[hopeofheart]

I know I am pathetic but you don't have to rub in my face. It's easy for you to claim that everything is possible to accomplish when you haven't walked life in my shoes. Do you really think I enjoy being in this position that I am today? I've talked to some good people of this board and did send you PM. Your follow ups were lost during site upgrade.

 

Maybe I don't have insurance to seek professional help; some people can't afford it. What is he/she going to do to alleviate my situation? Give me a job? No, rob me of what I don't have and poison my senses. Maybe by posting here, I am mitigating my pain but I guess I am not welcome to do that either.

[darkblue]

I know I am pathetic but you don't have to rub in my face. It's easy for you to claim that everything is possible to accomplish when you haven't walked life in my shoes. Do you really think I enjoy being in this position that I am today? I've talked to some good people of this board and did send you PM. Your follow ups were lost during site upgrade.

 

Maybe I don't have insurance to seek professional help; some people can't afford it. What is he/she going to do to alleviate my situation? Give me a job? No, rob me of what I don't have and poison my senses. Maybe by posting here, I am mitigating my pain but I guess I am not welcome to do that either.

 

Of course you are welcome to do that. No one said you weren't.

I did not say you were pathetic - I said sitting, wallowing in self-pitty and not doing anything about your problems would be pathetic; when I know you have the intelligence, and deep down, the determination to succeed.

 

There are free clinics in America for people who have no insurance.

Would you like to PM me your state and I can try and find out where your nearest one is?

 

Take care.

[Bethany]

I REPEAT............

 

No one is going to help you, no one is going to make the pain go away, no one is going to stop the depression from eating you up and robbing you of your will to live. NO ONE But YOU.

YOU have to find the way out and YOU need to WANT to get out, and until you want it badly enough to seek help...... you WILL stay there.

Face your feelings, face your life and more importantly... face your fear. Accept the condition your in as chronic and sometimes acute depression and decide to get help, decide to look for 'yourself' and your symptoms online or go to a doctor and let them help you. Decide to change your life, decide to think positive things and start again.

Depression is a killer, don't let its pain and the negative thoughts bluff you into thinking that you can never get out because you can. Make that positive step in the right direction.

[darkblue]

Hope, where are you?

Talk to me.

[TiredMan]

Something about this post didn't seem to sit right with me. Then it hit me. You say "no one can help you" and then in the same paragraph say "accept the condition as chronic and get help". (scratches head)

[darkblue]

lol - I believe what Bethany was implying, is that no one is going to come to him and help him - he has to seek help.

Inevitably, it will be himself who gets back on his feet - others can only aid him.

[TiredMan]

Ok but for someone who is at the end of their rope, they need support rather than a lecture that they have to get out of themselves. While very true, that has to come later on. Someone who is at the end of their rope has usually tried and tried, and has come close to giving up.