I thought I was going insane then, and now...

[yunyun_sin]

Continuing from this thread -

 

link removed

 

It's been a week since he dumped me in a frigging bar. I was out with him and his bosses.

 

He calls me aside and then eventually outside - tells me that he can't continue on anymore, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, it's about him not me, he thought he was ready for it (being 1.5years after the divorce) but realised that he still needs to find himself and needs to be on his own to do that, and if we stay together he would end up hurting me more, and he doesn't want me to hate him. Said a few more things and left.

 

His boss (and the rest of the bar) saw me absolutely devestated.

 

That was last Friday. Since then, I've talked to him on the phone once, and have also seen him once. There's been no contact since Sunday.

 

When we last spoke, I mentioned that it is so unfair to not even discuss things and just end it one sidedly. He was the one who used to say that there's two people in a relationship. I told him a few things that was on my mind, and he agreed to think about it and then talk about it in a while.

 

Since then I've pretty much been drinking 12 hours a day, completely confused and lost. Unfortunately school's out at the moment so I've got nothing to do, and wherever I go, it reminds me of him. Most of our friends are mutual so that makes it awkward as well.

 

I guess it might have something to do with the fact that this is the first time I've been dumped, but I'm in so much pain the moment. I've never ever been this hurt before and am seriously struggling to deal with it.

 

I still have a lot of my stuff at his, he hasnt told me to come get them or to give him back his keys.

 

I'm so very hurt, but the thing is, I still want to be with him given the chance, but am not sure if I should initiate this 'talk' that we're supposed to have or just leave it. Initially I wanted to try and talk to him to see if we could work it out, but I think it's also that I need to understand more so that I can stop dwelling on it...

[TiredMan]

I don't think drinking will help. I think if you feel like crying, then cry. Get it out of you. It's better than holding all that inside. Believe me, I know.

 

It's only been a week so don't go crazy about it yet. Like you said, you guys still have stuff at each other's house and untl that stuff is resolved, there is still some connection. You mentioned he had gotten divorced before you? Does he still keep in touch with her?

[CATLOVER]

Hey....how long after he was divorced did you start dating? Just wondering?

[babycristy456]

I don't think it was right for him to dump you at a bar in front of thers, that's not nice. Well, put yourself in his shoes, he just got divorced and might be experiencing emotional things...He might not be ready to move and again. I think you should just let it go...Of course, it will hurt, no one likes to get dumped. But try to go out and meet new people and guys, there are many many many out there. After he has his moments alone, maybe he will be ready in the future for a relationship with you. So do not be pessimisstic

[yunyun_sin]

He's been divorced a year and a half, we were together for 4 months. I've written about him here:

 

link removed

 

I'm still very lost and torn. The thing I miss the most at the moment is his 'touch'

 

Funny thing is, it obviously has to do with the fact that I'm spending a hell of a lot of time in bars and I'm getting hit on a LOT. Been told that I'm intelligent, gorgeous blah blah so should be able to get any man. It works as an ego boost for a second, and then it immediately converts to 'but that still wasn't good enough for him.'

 

However... I just came to a realisation...I can relate to him now that I've been badly hurt. In the mind you know that this person is 'all you ever wanted' and you think you may be ready to move on so give it a go, but only to find out that you're not ready, or are uncapable of loving, so knowing that the other person deserves better than that, you break up. I think this is what he meant by his comments of 'it's not you, it's me', 'I don't want to hurt you even more' etc.

 

What makes it worse is that it didn't slow down or show any signs of falling apart. It just happened all of a sudden. In a way, he's made me him - I don't think I'm every going to be able to trust someone of their feelings - one minute they say that you were the best thing that's happened to them, that you're all that they've ever wanted blah blah, and the next minute you're dumped. Like him, even if I meet 'my' guy one day, I fear that I'll break up with him because of the insecurities on my side and not having the confidence to love...

 

Does this all make sense?

[yunyun_sin]

Weekends are the hardest as we used to spend every single minute together.

 

Today is Sunday, our rollerblading day. We used to rollerblade every Sunday with some other friends. I know through a friend that he'll be there today as usual, but I just can't face it.

 

Is this stupid? Should I just go? One of them has told me he'll have a brief chat to try and see what's on his mind, which I appreciate, and I figured it would be easier done without being there.

 

What I'm not sure is what do I do every Sunday from here? Do I keep on running away from it, or do I face it and continue going regardless to whether he's there or not and just deal with him as one of the friends? I just don't have the confidence of not being depressed once seeing him at the moment...

[TiredMan]

Is it something you used to do before getting together? If yes, then yes!

[yunyun_sin]

Yes, it is something that I started organising before I met him, and he eventual bought his own blades and became one of the core members.

 

Unfortunately I wasn't able to gather the strength to go today, and my mate actually did question him, or encourage him, rather, to re-think things. As a result. apparently he is unsure of himself and his feelings, and feels as though he's going into the same situation as he went into with his ex. I'm absolutely stunned by this as I have no idea what made him think this. The only possibility I can think of is that perhaps I pushed him into something that he was uncomfortable with; i.e. being more expressive, more considerate. Was that a wrong thing to do? What can I do at this time at point?

[TiredMan]

if that is the case, then if I were you, I would go. If anyone should be uncomfortable going, it's him. Just go and see what happens. You are at home hurting about it. So that won't change and may improve while you are there and where he can see you.

[yunyun_sin]

I wish I had gone now. I now do feel as though I need to talk to him actually before starting NC - not so much to win him back but to clear things up so I can move on if I need to. However the comment my mate digged out from him has absolutely shook me and I can't help wondering what made him feel that way...

[TiredMan]

Which was?

[yunyun_sin]

The ex comment - going into the same situation he did with his ex. I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out what made him think so.

 

I know he was kinda pushed into getting married, and he mentioned 'I can't provide you with what you need.' I've told him I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, but in reply he said that I'd eventually want it. Could that be it?

 

I was told yesterday that I sometimes give out signals that I'm available which I had no idea of, so that could relate to the trust issue; i.e. the possibility of me eventually cheating on him. Could that be it?

 

At the moment I'm just absolutely drained both physically and mentally. I so wish things were like where there were one month ago...

[TiredMan]

I know from my own experience how difficult things are when you wish for things to be "like they were". I struggle with that every day.

 

But like I said before, you guys still have each other's stuff so there is a door open somewhere I think.

[yunyun_sin]

I'm just struggling SO much. I think the fact that school is out and I've got absolutely nothing to do doesn't help either.

 

We haven't been in touch for 12 days now. We're supposed to have thought about it and then meet up and talk about it, but how long do you think I should give him?

 

He's actually just come online for the first time since the breakup. I really feel like saying hi and as pathetic as it sounds, feel like letting him know how much I am hurting right now, but am scared that he'd ask for the keys back or something... In a way, I wish he had already - that make it a lot easier to move on.

[zcloud]

I drank alot and took alot of vicadin to get thru my last breakup; but then I stopped because my best friend said to me:

 

"never try to get rid of your pain by drinking, there isn't enough

alcohol in all the world."

[TiredMan]

I'm not familiar with how close you guys are/were so I don't know whether you should contact him. I can't jump into his head to tell you although I wish I could. Going through this pain makes me very sensitive to those who are as well (though I always am sensitive to people's pain unless I see them taking and taking but never giving back).

 

If it's burning you so much, I feel like you should do what you want. Saying hi isn't too bad. But don't say "I thought we were gonna talk. what is wrong with you?" See if he brings it up. Im not a big believer in NC if your feelings are very strong and the relationship was very strong too, unless there was cheating involved or something real drastic. But that's me.

[yunyun_sin]

We were very open and close and I think that's why this is hurting me even more - the fact that he choose to end it so onesidedly without any room of discussion.

 

I'm not too much of a believer in NC either, but he told me that he is confused about himself and his feelings so I felt as though giving him some space of his own would be good, but at the same time I feel as though I shouldn't give him too much either. Another reason is that I haven't really been able to think and process what he has said straight but approaching 2 weeks since the initial 'talk', I think I'm finally ready for the 'talk' and should be able to accept the outcome whichever way it goes. Should I still wait for him to initiate it? He doesn't like making decisions and I have a feeling that he won't take the initiative...

 

As for the alcohol... today's the first day that I've been sober at this time of the day (10:30pm here).

[TiredMan]

LOL, I haven't had a drink in like 8 years but I remember being drunk all the time. It doesn't help your decision making. I don't even want to remember the dumb stuff I did when drunk back then.

 

I don't know. I guess when he is ready, he'll talk. But I would definitely not avoid those activities you were doing before him. How long were you together again?

[yunyun_sin]

What a horrible night...probably the first night since the break-up 2 weeks ago trying to sleep sober and ended up failng miserably - I must've woken up at least a dozen times.

 

I feel as though I'm falling apart - I've got nothing left in me anymore and I feel so lonely, so empty. Perhaps it's because we haven't done the 'talk', I'm almost clutching on to the last piece of hope, regardless to whether there really is any or not.

 

We were together for 4 months but the relationship developed very quickly and by month two we were pretty much living together.

 

I've been going out a lot, meeting new people etc. etc. sure, it's fun, but it's all so empty... Perhaps need to come to acceptance etc. before trying to move on cuz at the moment whatever I do just seems to be in vain. HELP!

[TiredMan]

The sleepless thing will happen until your body adjusts. I was not sleeping at first so I started taking sleeping pills my doc gave me. When I decided to get off them after a few weeks, the first week was brutal. I couldn't sleep if you paid me. But that passed. I think your body is so used to sleeping after being drunk. But keep going sober, it WILL pass.

 

After 4months, I feel confident to know that you will be ok. I know that feelings can be strong but in that short of time, luckily you life was pretty set before this meeting. I'm not saying go NC unless this person is specifically trying to hurt you. Or if speaking to him hurts more than not speaking to him.

[yunyun_sin]

It actually hurted more to see him today than not seeing him...

 

I went rollerblading today knowing that he'd be there. It was indeed awkward, hardly had any conversation bout 'us'. It was so nice seeing him, and just chatting to him as 'mates', but at the same time it just hurts SO much.

 

I thought I was a bit healed but back into the gutter again...

[yunyun_sin]

I have been quite close to his boss since he broke up with me in front of him. I haven't gone into details of what he said or how he is, but I have been pretty open about my feelings.

 

Today, he actually called my ex into the office and told him how much I was hurting, and that he wanted to help in anyway he can, but he needed to know how my ex feels about it. He asked if there is any chance of us getting back together, and apparently his answer was 'I don't think so.'

 

I was kinda pissed off with the boss for his level of interference - I know he did it thinking it was for the best, but after last Sunday, I realised I had to have the 'talk' sometime very soon, so had actually even asked my ex out for lunch this week, and he had agreed. I wish I could've heard this from himself, rather than thru the boss...

 

I'm gutted that there doesn't seem to be much chance of reconciliation, but at the same time I almost felt released hearing that he's not really considering getting back.