HELP! I'm so confusted.

[LiquidCherry]

I want to get back with my ex very much. We broke up a few days more than a month ago. We are speaking occasionally. Mostly through e-mails and an online game. He has come over a few times to watch Survivor and this week he even let me borrow (yes borrow) his car for two days while mine was being worked on.

 

He's been getting.. sexual in a manner of speaking. He wrote me two e-mails about how my looks were distracting. He suggested "alternate" payment for letting me borrow his car. (which I did NOT do) He spent about 15-20 minutes online talking to me about sex.. He just wrote me an email, a rather forward e-mail about wanting to sleep with me for "encouragement and reminders". I don't know how to reply to that so I thought I'd ask for some advice first.

 

I don't want to be a friend with benefits. I want a relationship. I don't really know how to handle this, especially because I do want him back. What should I do? What should I say to make my point clear without scaring him off? ARGH!

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I had a relationship with a guy like this one and it was alwful. I felt so cheap, like I didn't matter expect for what I can do for him sexually. It hurt my self-esteem so much but the more I did it, the more damaged I became, ect. The vicious cycle. And I too, wanted a real relationship. My advice to you, is cut this guy loose as hard it sounds. You guys want to different things, he wants a bootey call and you want a real relationship. Nothing you do is going to change what he wants. And if you keep doing what your doing, he will have no incentive to want anything more from you because he is getting what he wants. Try to stay away from him and get some of your dignity back, you can't do that while you are having little "redez-vous" with him. Sorry you are going through this, I know it really sux. Take care and be well.

[LiquidCherry]

Hi Kellbell,

Thanks for the advice only I think You misunderstood me. I have NOT slept with him since we broke up. I learned a long time ago not to sleep with anyone who doesn't care enough about me to date with me.

 

I don't want to get back together with him just for sexual reasons either.

 

And I don't understand what he meant by "(it would be) encouragement" either. Encouragement for what? Getting back together with me? Even though I've stopped all conversations about wanting him back and such I'm still pretty sure that he knows that I do.

 

I don't know what to say to him about this. I know I won't sleep with him because I want more than that. I'm not going to confuse myself further.

 

Any advice on how to swing things in my favor, so he might possibly consider more than just sex from me?

[CATLOVER]

I agree it sounds as though he is testing the waters to see if he can still have you around as a booty call. Im really glad you havnt let it go that way as the above mentioned that can be a fast road to feeling used and crap. You know what if you saying out loud to him what you want and what you dont want scares him off.....then good....at least you know he definitely just wanted the sex and you can let it go and move on. So I recommend if he brings up the sex thing again and starts hinting at it, all you have to do is come back with a playful reply like....Oh you know Id never be anyones booty call.. or something like that. This will let him know straight up where you stand and what you are not willing to do.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry I misunderstood you. Well, that's good you have not done those things yet.

 

"Any advice on how to swing things in my favor, so he might possibly consider more than just sex from me?"

 

Well, there is not too much you can do make him want you want, only ou can do what you want. Maybe, if you didn't make things so easy for him and try not be so available for him, he might put a little more effort into being with you. Like he wants to get together, tell him you are busy and you will get back to him when you have the time. Because when you make things easy for someone, they have no incentive to try.

[LiquidCherry]

Thanks for the advice guys. And no problem Kellbell, I could have been more clear. To his rather "forward" email I finally decided on a reply. This is what I said.

 

I don't really know what you mean about how us having sex would be encouragement.. Encouragement for what? And neither one of us needs a reminder of how good it was, we both know. I'm flattered that you still think about me in this way but a friend with benefits just isn't the way I want for you to be in my life. Before we even got together I mand a promise to myself that I would never again sleep with someone who did not care enough about me to actually be with me. I have no intentions of going back on that, with anyone, not even you.

 

I figure that when I said, "a friend with benefits just isn't the way I want for you to be in my life," it could be taken as I either want to be with him or to be friends with him, *just* friends. I guess that's his call really. I know I won't settle for being a booty call though, that's for sure. THAT isn't what I want at all. Having nothing to do with him would be better than being used, cheapened and not respected.