your views on discovered email affair

[inajam]

my wife logged to her email from home,alt tabbed to music,forgot,went to the local shop. i closed down music, presto! a pic of some guy.. so i looked around, a few more pics,some not fully dressed,say maybe just a sock! ok. then the sent etc emails.

i had a chat with her.didnt just steam in,i was hoping she would fess up,no luck. so i showed her what i found. can u believe she tried to BS me. i showed her what i had found bit by bit,not once did she step up..until it was undeniable...and for me unbearable.

i said if you cant cope with being married we'll sort it, but she insisted thst it was a stupid mistake (it always is if u get caught) & really wants to make it work.

ok of course there's plenty more detail but the thing is, as much as i wanna get over this, the feeling that i dont have that stirling trust in her is digging at me, had i not found out then what, ok i know this was purely emai,pics etc but thats bad enough. do i need to just get over it.

[RayKay]

I think you have every right to be upset. Sure maybe it was 'just email' - but how do you know that was all or it would not go further...and furthermore depending on your views it WAS betrayal, and emotional cheating. I personally believe it would be, but not everyone does.

 

Furthermore, she continued to deny it even with the evidence right there?

 

Not a person I would trust either.

 

What you do next is up to you, but you have the right to feel as you do. I suggest if you want to work through it you seek marital counselling, and she has to realize she has to earn your trust back.

[novaseeker]

ok of course there's plenty more detail but the thing is, as much as i wanna get over this, the feeling that i dont have that stirling trust in her is digging at me, had i not found out then what, ok i know this was purely emai,pics etc but thats bad enough. do i need to just get over it.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I kind of know what you're going through, and it's painful and confusing at first.

 

No, you don't need to just get over it. You need to understand why she did what she did. Sure, it was only email, but it's pretty unfaithful to be exchanging revealing/nude pictures over email with other people. What drove her to do it? Understanding that will help you understand whether she will do it -- or other unfaithful things -- again in the future.

[Bethany]

What was the content of the emails? Did it sound like she was having or about to have an affair or just a bit of flirty fun?

[Day_Walker]

Its completely your decision if you want to work this out with your wife or you want to take more drastic measures. I think you need to base your decision on the information you have about your wife's activities and what you want the relationship to be.

[BellaDonna]

I definitely think this was "cheating" and not just having fun because she would not do these things in front of her husband, and then lied and denied it when confronted.

 

Inajam, in order for you to make a decision- you first need to ensure (as much as possible) that she confessed everything that when on (whether e-mail or worse). Then you need to get to the core of why she felt the need to do this. What was the point of it for her? Was it sexual, just for attention, emotional? If she is open to seeing a marriage counselor- that could help to reveal that information.

 

The violation to your relationship was still very serious, even if it was e-mail and photos. It could have potentially led to more- and it was still straying. I don't think just letting it go and "getting over it" is the thing to do. At least, not until it is addressed further. If she can give you clear honest answers and re-commit herself to you, and you feel it is worth a try to build your trust in her again, then you can move on. But it seems like right now there are still many questions and issues unanswered, so as a couple you'll have to work on those things before you can truly make a decision on whether or not to put this behind you.

 

BellaDonna

[inajam]

thank you very much for your replies. it helps to hear other people views instead of my own mind going around in frantic circles. the pics from the other guy are of him in his home in ever decreasing amounts of clothes,ending in a sock on a his ****. i email she had written said nice pic (to him fully dressed) but i was expecting something more in line with our emails,(then the other pics followed). unfortunately this doesnt help her position does it.

thing is. this may have been flirting gone awry,it happens (trying to be balanced,i dont want to destroy a god thing by being small minded)

of course its well out of order.she is saying the right things by the way,i need to build your trust,it was a stupid thing etc. im feel really quite unsure of myself right now(& dont want to decide upon my insecurities)

but part of me wants to see it as just a stupid error of judgement. its a real bugger, but in the end i guess i may have to let a bit of time pass and get my head together, talking to her in more detail about the whys etc? a good idea or best left to my thought? again thanks for your replies.

[djedix]

Throw a program on the computer that monitors all the activity on the PC (websites, emails, im conversations) and see what's going on if she wont give you a straight awnser.

 

If you bought the computer, you have the right to know what it's being used for.

 

something like this

 

link removed

link removed

[novaseeker]

thing is. this may have been flirting gone awry,it happens (trying to be balanced,i dont want to destroy a god thing by being small minded)

 

Eh, why would she be flirting with other men if she is married? I, for one, don't see 'flirting' as being permitted ... because flirting is basically about playing with, having fun with, the attraction between people. It's not like having sex, but it is a betrayal all the same because someone who is married, while they will likely be attracted to others, ought not play with or toy with that attraction by flirting ... it's a very bad idea, imo. I'd be wary of minimizing her behavior here if I were you.

 

You should find out about the 'whys' once you're calmer. It's important because otherwise it's hard to prevent it from recurring.

[BellaDonna]

but part of me wants to see it as just a stupid error of judgement. its a real bugger, but in the end i guess i may have to let a bit of time pass and get my head together, talking to her in more detail about the whys etc? a good idea or best left to my thought?

 

It very well could have been an error of judgement. But the key is to find out what made her vulnerable to making that type of error.

 

So yes, get your head together, but talking to her about the whys is a good idea.

 

Honestly, if it were me- I think I'd be taking the route djedix mentioned about installing something on the computer. Yes it's a violation of privacy- but the type of person I am- I'd want to know 100% if my partner's apology was sincere, especially if he lied when confronted. If an e-mail affair happened and he already compromised my trust- his word would not be enough. I'd need to see tangible evidence. If it WAS a sincere apology- then I would know by the fact that the "bad judgment" on the computer did not occur again, and that could be found in the computer activity. But that's just me. Maybe not the best approach, but it's what I'd do.

 

BellaDonna

[inajam]

im afraid its not that simple. you see because she didnt want her mail being seen by her boss she got a web based email, most of the crap has been going on from her work pc. it was just by chance i ever found out. she isnt stupid & could easily set up another account show me the 'clean' one and continue. but thats just me being insecure.

as for the chat,i need to think. if we are going forwards then theres no looking back, but if i cant shake the baggedge left by this then a chat may be the way, to be honest i really dont know, for now your views have been at least clearer than my own & i'll try to step out & take a breath until im able to think straight, i hate feeling like this, its such a painfull waste.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think BellaDonna makes an excellent point about getting to the heart of the issue. It's not enough for her to confess everything and apologize. In order for you to move forward, you need to know what caused this to happen. Prior to this, have there been any problems in your marriage?

[Country Garden]

There is nothing wrong with harmless flurting, but she was hiding this from you. She would give me his name and phone# and call him and tell him in front of me that it is over and that she loves you and does not want this to go any further if not, out the door she would go. If she will go to the lenghts to lie to you then she is not one to be trusted. I am a firm believer in rebuilding a relationship if you can, but honesty, has to be the #1 thing, so far all I see is that she is not telling you anything except that she made a mistake after being caught. Seams to me she is still wanting to carry on with her game until she gets what she wants. If she cant fess up then you need to walk out and let her play her game and you can start you healing process. Its hard once someone has not been truthful with you to ever trust them again. I for one dont think I would be able to sleep at night, would worry all the time and this is not good for ones health.

[yeawutever]

I think both of you are wrong. You for snooping without her permission and her for lying.

[Country Garden]

Just coming up on something is not snooping. She was cheating and how could he be in the wrong. She just got caught. If I was doing the same thing and Jack came to use the pc and when he click the mouse he would read what was on the screen and so would you. He only needs to stay with her if she fills much guilt and then it would be hard to trust her.

[yeawutever]

Well not exactly cheating, there was no actually physical/sexual contact (kissing, sex,cuddling, making out). But I would say that what she committed was lie and yea it was disrespectful. Why would she cyber if she's married. But frankly lying is similar to actually cheating cuz trust is gone. If like she says after begin caught that it was a stupid mistake, then why the need to hide it. Have you though that maybe she might be addicted to cybering. Some people have an addiction when they're in cybering websites or with porns.

[novaseeker]

Well not exactly cheating, there was no actually physical/sexual contact (kissing, sex,cuddling, making out).

 

Topic for another thread, but cybersex with third parties over the internet, sexual flirting with third parties over email is definitely 100% cheating.

[Country Garden]

How does he know that this guy is not local and she has not been with this guy, she lied to him about the emails so why would she not lie about being with him. You dont really know what she has done. If she had not been cheating he would have known about the emails.