Just when im trusting her... this happens...

[phil1981UK]

Hi guys,

 

I am back again for some advice. So i live in England with my girlfriend (who is from Poland), and she of course has friends back in poland, but she only keeps in touch with a couple of them.

 

Anyhow about 6 months ago, some guy she knew from Poland emailed her out of the blue asking how she is etc, they exchange a few emails and turns out he has split up with his girlfriend and so was trying to see if my girlfriend was available (he asked if she was married).

 

Anyhow all she said was she was in England and was not married, she did not say she was with me, despite telling everyone else this, so i smelt a small rat that maybe they were more then just "friends" somehow in the past (she told me he was a friend), anyhow they swapped a few more emails and sms and that was it for a few months... until yesterday.

 

He contacted her again yesterday, he tried to call her then sms'd her, again how are you stuff, she seemed pretty keen to reply and sent sms and email and called him!!! Then she lets slip that used to want to date this guy... so just a friend eh... well this explains why she didnt tell him her reason for being in england... he again is asking about her availability... is she keeping her options open?

 

Also i am confused about whether i should even be bothered about this, i mean is it innapropriate that they send little sms, emails and phone calls considering she wanted to date him and now he wants to date her? If she was so happy to be with me she would have told him about me right? She is with me but is she thinking what if...?

 

To me its inappropriate behaviour considering she lives with me... dont you think...

 

Your advice greatly appreciated.

[needhelp]

Yes I think it is so not right. How do you know so much about the contact? Do you go through her phone and email or does she tell you?

I would talk to her about it and tell her you are not comfortable with this. Be honest.

My ex wanted to near kill me if i even thought of emailing another man..that was extreme hence he is my ex, but the principal is still there if you know what I mean...its about respect!!

[phil1981UK]

I know because he contacted her when shes with me at home and so she tells me the rest (i guess some of the rest)... after i ask her.

 

I wouldnt mind at all if she had told him why she was in england, but she dosent, as far as he is concerned she is available cos she dosent tell him different...

[Bingo72]

Just the very thought that the person I was living with and supposedly 'in love' with would even want to email another guy is reason enough to end the relationship. To me, it doesn't matter if she is just curious as to what he is wanting or if it's simply just a friendly contact, she is risking the outside chance that you will find out. I wouldn't have kept emailing him if I were her. You have to wonder if the thought has crossed her mind that you won't even put up with this and you might just tell her it's over.....I would never take that chance with my boyfriend, if it's possibly losing him or losing some of his respect for me because I've left him to question my intentions then of course I wouldn't email another man. People don't respect relationships the way they used to. I wouldn't do anything to hurt my relationship and if I did, then that is the first sign that I am not happy with the person I am with. When people are happy with who the are with they won't care about keeping contact with someone the used to like.

 

Just my opinion.

[wind]

hmm,she let the man walk into her live.

And If the man walk deep enough he'll see you and kick you for sure.

don't be a wuzz,tell her that you don't like bout this, show them that you're the man.

[djedix]

disrespect. That's what it is.

 

Obviously she cares what this guy is up to, and the fact that she wont tell him she's in a relationship, does mean she is keeping her options open... aka leading him on

[Boricua7]

It sounds to me that this blast from the past is bothering you, so tell her. THe fact that she isn't keeping this a secret from you is something that you should consider before accusing her of being interested in this fellow. Yes, it is wrong of her to not tell this past love interest that she is NOT available and is something I would let her know that you are concerned about. It seems to me that this is pretty harmless. They haven't been trying to get together, have they? Anyway, all I see is her leading him on. Maybe she wants to see how much the guy she used to like likes her. I mean, it's always good to find out that someone you were interested in is actually interested in you. If they are friends, she may just be keeping in contact with him so as not to hurt his feelings. You'll never know for sure until you straight up tell her how you feel and discuss it with her.

 

Just the very thought that the person I was living with and supposedly 'in love' with would even want to email another guy is reason enough to end the relationship.

 

I think this statement is absolutely ridiculous for the following reasons: Yes, it is a matter of respect and she isn't showing any by chosing to keep you a secret from this guy but because your S/O is e-mailing someone of the opposite sex does not mean that it is a good reason to break up them. That just doesn't make sense to me. If you're just going to break up with someone whenever a problem arrises than you obviously don't care about the person you're with enough. If you really love someone you want to work things out. If you've confronted her and nothing's changed than by all means, end the relationship.

 

Her contacting this guy DOES NOT necessarily mean that she is unhappy with you. This would be irrational thinking. Like I said before, it seems to me like he is just a harmless ego boost. I'm not saying that it's ok for her to be doing this, but this is how I see it. There is no doubt that you need to talk to her; tell her how this is making you feel. If she has no idea this is bothering you, why would she stop doing it? Chances are she might not even realize that this could be seen as a bad thing just because she knows in her heart that she has no intention on being with this man so she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. All you have to do is talk to her!

[djedix]

If you really love someone you would not openly make contact with another person of the oppisite sex that would cause issues were you would have to 'work it out' in the first place.

 

confront her, ask her what's with this need to be incontact with this so called "friend" all of a sudden.

 

The way i look at friends is, if they are truly your "friend" they would not froget about you for months in the first place... Then come back around when they need something... or want something...

[Bingo72]

I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Yes, it is a matter of respect and she isn't showing any by chosing to keep you a secret from this guy but because your S/O is e-mailing someone of the opposite sex does not mean that it is a good reason to break up them. That is just plain stupid. If you're just going to break up with someone whenever a problem arrises than you obviously don't care about the person you're with enough. If you really love someone you want to work things out, am I not right?

Yeah, you are 18 and married at a very young age. Come talk to me when you're marriage fails because your hubby is hooking up with people on the internet and realize you gave him permission to do so.............

 

You need a little more life experience before you slam my opinion, just like I wrote on my reply, it was my opinion.

 

I swear, I don't even read replies from teenagers on this forum, they think they know it all and yet aren't even living in the real world yet..............

[djedix]

I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Yes, it is a matter of respect and she isn't showing any by chosing to keep you a secret from this guy but because your S/O is e-mailing someone of the opposite sex does not mean that it is a good reason to break up them. That is just plain stupid. If you're just going to break up with someone whenever a problem arrises than you obviously don't care about the person you're with enough. If you really love someone you want to work things out, am I not right?

Yeah, you are 18 and married at a very young age. Come talk to me when you're marriage fails because your hubby is hooking up with people on the internet and realize you gave him permission to do so.............

 

You need a little more life experience before you slam my opinion, just like I wrote on my reply, it was my opinion.

 

I swear, I don't even read replies from teenagers on this forum, they think they know it all and yet aren't even living in the real world yet..............

 

They will learn in time, gotta let them fall flat on there face. Its the only way they learn. We know cuz we all were once them, and didnt listen to anyone... years later you look back and your like "duh"

[Boricua7]

They will learn in time, gotta let them fall flat on there face. Its the only way they learn. We know cuz we all were once them, and didnt listen to anyone... years later you look back and your like "duh"

 

First of all, I'd like to know what it is that I'm not listening to because I could've sworn this thread was about giving advice to waynerwayner. You've got a point though. A lot of times people in general, not just teenagers, can be told over and over again what's right and what to do but they need to experience it for themselves to finally realize it. I'm just as stubborn as the next person but I do want to say that I don't think I know it all. All I know is that I hardly know anything but that doesn't mean that I can't tell people what it is that I do know or express my opinion.

 

I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Yes, it is a matter of respect and she isn't showing any by chosing to keep you a secret from this guy but because your S/O is e-mailing someone of the opposite sex does not mean that it is a good reason to break up them. That is just plain stupid. If you're just going to break up with someone whenever a problem arrises than you obviously don't care about the person you're with enough. If you really love someone you want to work things out, am I not right?

Yeah, you are 18 and married at a very young age. Come talk to me when you're marriage fails because your hubby is hooking up with people on the internet and realize you gave him permission to do so.............

 

You need a little more life experience before you slam my opinion, just like I wrote on my reply, it was my opinion.

 

I swear, I don't even read replies from teenagers on this forum, they think they know it all and yet aren't even living in the real world yet..............

 

 

First thing's first: I am not married. My boyfriend and I plan on it but we're not kidding ourselves. We know we might not last that long but if we do we want to get married. You're exactly the kind of person I can't stand to be around, just like my dad. You think that just because you're older and someone who is younger than you differs in opinion you assume that they are naive and don't know what they're talking about and that automatically discredits anything they say. Are you even mature enough to make such accusations? I don't think so. For god's sake you posted on someone else's post a deliberate attack on me. I realize that technically, I'm doing the same, but I am not trying to attack you. I am posting my response here because that is where you saw my last post. If you're trying to tell me that I'm immature, you're not really doing a good job of showing YOUR maturity. It's sad that because my opinion differs from yours, you attack what I say. Just like you, it is my opinion. I'm sorry if you feel that what I said was "slamming" your opinion, but I can assure you that by not agreeing with you, I am not attacking you like you are me. I did not mean for it to be interpreted as hurtful and was in no way trying to say that your opinion is not valid. I mean, considering the circumstances, aren't you just stooping to my level by posting such a response? Aren't you doing to me exactly what you're b****ing about me doing to you?

 

Secondly, keeping in contact with someone of the opposite sex on the interent does not automatically mean that they are "hookin up" with that person. That would be jumping to conclusions and that was the point I was trying to make. I was also trying to state that if you care about someone, something like this should not be the reason you break up. Them not wanting to change or accept that something is bothering their partner or do something so that their partner does not feel threatened is reason for breaking up. That's all.

 

I have had my share of life experiences that no one my age should EVER have to deal with. No one at ANY age should ever have to experience the things I've been through. Just because I state my opinion does not mean that I think it's the end-all-be-all answer. I know I might be wrong but it is still my opinion and I'm not going to change it unless someone PROOVES me wrong. Instead of bashing me and being so bitter about the fact that I don't agree with your opinion, how about you give me a mature response as to why you think my opinion may be biased due to my age or whatnot and then I might just agree with you. You can't expect for someone to just accept your way of thinking without giving them good reason to think that way themselves.

 

It's sad that you, 30-year-old, are acting so childish.

 

 

BACK TO THE POINT OF THIS THREAD:

 

Like I said before, you need to talk to her. If nothing changes, than I would move on. I don't think its right that she is not telling this past interest that she is taken; she should not ever want to put your relationship at risk. She may, however, not be aware that she is doing this, so talk to her. Let us know how things turn out!

[Bingo72]

You are contradicting yourself, you are preaching about your statement being what You believe which is exactly what I did in my original post. You are doing to me exactly what you are ripping me for doing to you.

 

I don't want your explaination or your reasons, I didn't start this thread!

Leave me alone, I gave my opinion of his situation and you are like a bull dog, jumping at everyone else whose advice is against your belief.

 

Get it? Now quit arguing this with me.

[Boricua7]

I love how you just restated everything I just finished writing. You honestly sound bitter about something. What? Did your boyfriend lie to you? Are you mad because you're not married at the age of 30 or something? Whatever it is that is making you so angry (besides me for reasons I don't understand), I hope it works out for you.

[Bingo72]

I am better than you in any way you look at it so give up, there is nothing you can say that will get to me.

 

And as for marriage, I am chosing not to settle for someone that is less than I am worth. I wasn't desparate to be married at a young age as some are. I chose to live my life the way I wanted, got to college, chosing not to have children, owning my own car and home.

 

And be my guest, I guess the next things you are going to say is that I am old, wrinkly, no on will want me, I'm depressed, I'm ugly, I'm bitter, I am lonely, I'm angry, I am selfish, I don't want kids because no one wants them with me, I had an unhappy childhood, I'm sad....and so on.

 

Like I said, give up, you won't get to me, however, I know you are going to keep responding because you can't help yourself. You want to 'put me in my place'.

 

You sound like you are the bitter one, purusing this board just looking to force your advice on people like you did me. I can guarantee that you will respond to this just like all the others.

 

An eighteen year old can't help but fight her way for respect I guess. You'll never get it that way.

 

 

Your turn.

[heyguys]

yes i agree with your post. I feel that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. she sounds like she is not lying about her relationship status to her friend, but being verrrry vague. being vague and sneaky can still be constituted as lying. id just watch out for her. and just keep a look out for more suspicious activity. id go with my gut, and do not downplay her actions if you think she is up to something bad.

[heyguys]

people, if someoene posts something, pleaseee try hard to stick to the topic that "they" ask. they are hurting and really need to be listened to or they wouldnt be on this site. try not to be selfish and take the attention away from the matter at hand.

[Iceman26]

Is this the same girl you wrote about that you were worried about being incestuous with her brothers a while back?

 

Anyways, if this is the same girl, add that on top of your current problem and I think the solution to your problem would be to dump little miss Poland and find yourself a new girl.

 

She should have shut this guy down in the very beginning, yet she is carrying on with it. All this behavior should be screaming serious issues to you and unless you like the drama, you are better off with someone who has less baggage then this. Good luck.

[Boricua7]

Fine. You're right. I'll let you hear what you want and let you think what you want about me. It doesnt seem to make a difference what I say. You seem to have some issues if you think I'd think all the things you assume I'm thinking about you. I'm sorry if what I wrote made you feel that way. Like heyguys said, we are both being selfish in taking the topic of this post away from the original postee and into our own stupid quarrel. I don't know how to help you to understand that I am not the inconsiderate 18-year-old you seem to think I am so I give up. You win. Happy?

[unpretty]

hi

 

I have been in a similar situation before with my ex bf.

If you can't trust your grilfriend too long after long distance relationship and such.. it might be better for you to leave her before too late..

otherwise you are hurting yourself inside, and she doesn't seem to know

(by the sound of it?), and that is not healthy..

 

but in this case, even though still bit of a disrespect, is it possible to say

that she just misses her home country from time to time? and the guy

is that part of mere memory from home country..

and also, after all you are living with her in England, and the guy is in Poland..

there is not much thing that this guy could do really. She is with you.

 

sorry if I'm not making any sense..

good luck.

[Boricua7]

ok save it, you sit here and act like youre the mature one in the scenario and are some innocent victim being attacked? no, I believe you opened up responding to fides comment with "thats absolutely ridiculous!" or something, in other words you basically came and called this persons opinion BS, dont play it off any other way, someone as mature and smart as you try to come off as would of surley been capable of wording it in way where you didnt sound immature, bratty, and like you were insulting the persons opinion..but you couldnt

 

so please do not try to reprimand other people for being "immature" cuz, like elton john thumbing through a hustler, it just doesnt make any sense

 

Yeah I am capable of wording it differently and I guess I am naive in thinking that someone who WAS mature would not automatically interpret me saying what I said to mean that because I thought their statement was ridiculous that they were, themselves, being ridiculous and that their opinion was not a credible one.

 

I've already apologized for being rude, even though that is not what I had intended. So please do not try to reprimand me for something that I said in an argument that YOU were not a part of.

 

Thank you.

 

Oh and by the way, kudos for the elton john anagoly.

[Cecelius]

You just need to shut it down.

 

All girls lie about male friends they have hooked up with -- or they omit to explain the full truth. Which is fine, so long as the guy is in the past.

 

There's no reason on the planet for your g/f to be chatting with some dude she used to date or have physical relations with. Occasional contact, perhaps, but chatting, no.