did i do the right thing?

[teacup]

or did i jump the gun?

 

there was this guy i hung out with once. and he was very affectionate on a first date and he seemed to like me (at least i thought he did). i told him then and there that i couldnt date him because he was too old for me and he was white.

 

then after a few days i changed my mind and sent him a e-card asking him if he wanted to go some place with me. he hasnt had time because he's been working (though it does seem like he's had some time off). he did reply and said he wanted to go and the last time i talked with him on IM he said he hoped to see me soon.

 

i dont know him well enough yet. but today i sent him an email saying how i was sorry if i confused him by giving mixed messages that time. i told him i was afraid he was just one of those guys who was after sex and that if he is though, im totally the wrong person.

 

then i told him that a work friend of his asked me to hang out and that i hope it's okay with him. well, i have no obligation to him but i thought i might as well put it out in the open....right?

 

i also told him that i miss him and want to see him.

 

so now im wondering if i was too honest, and too open? does this make me seem weird or stupid or desperate?

 

quite honestly though, i just hate playing games and i dont like misunderstandings and just wanted to clear it up. i feel like i laid all the cards on the table and now i see if i fold or what.

 

did i get too hasty? or did i do the right thing? geez......

[Msnak]

If you want him back, the most you can do is tell him, apologize and give him time to consider. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up, hang out with other people and just see what happens. If he really likes you, he'll forgive you!

[teacup]

forgive me for what?

 

i didnt do anything wrong. i just wasnt as clear to him about everything as i wanted to be and i tried to show him that through email.

[teacup]

more replies?

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I would let a few days go by and see what happens. I am not saying you did anything wrong but you may have backed this guy in a corner and men HATE that. I would give him a chance but give him some space. Men cherish their space and free time and always pull away when they feel it is being challenged. So in the meantime, I would go out and do other things and hang out with others. He will call. Just give him some time. Take care and good luck with everything.

[Antimyth]

because he was too old for me and he was white.

 

That's what you should apologise for.

[Bethany]

It doesn't make you weird stupid or desperate but you've said your piece now leave him come to you.

DONT keep thinking over and over 'I should have said this' or 'I should have said that' or I shound't have done this or that What's done is done, now leave it be.

If he wants to try again then he WILL come back for you. If he doesn't, at least you have stopped and remained in control.

[teacup]

how did i back him into a corner? please explain. i would like to understand.

 

thanks. but i keep thinking he just wants sex. the warning bells are ringing too clearly for me to ignore. im really horribly disgusted because i was hoping he was genuine. i thought we had real mental chemistry. and i thought he was a nice guy.

 

but the clues are:

1. when he was listing his hobbies, he slipped sex into them.

2. he listed a bunch of things he liked about me, and slipped in i had a nice body.

3. when i asked him if he wanted my number on IM he said he didnt have a paper and pen and gave me his number instead.

4. he doesnt ask me questions about myself or what im interested in.

5. he just wanted to hang out at his apartment and not go anywhere.

6. he asked me to help him pick out new pants so he could donate his old ones to hurricane katrina.

7. he doesnt want to keep in contact during the week or when he's busy.

8. he apologizes for not emailing because he was busy with work.

9. he lied about not getting one of my emails, im pretty sure i sent it.

10. he got too affectionate on the first date and started stroking my arm and hair - made me think he hadnt had sex in a long time.

 

i just think he really really wants sex and it bothers me. and something's wrong and i feel horribly uncomfortable. and im hurting again because i hate it when men do this to me. makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

 

i had to get this off my chest. his comments about sex and his seeming to want sex really really scared me. (i dont know if he wanted anything else).

 

"often the best laid plans of men and mice often go awry." - i want to be a good person, i have the best intentions but i dont know if it's the world or just me but things just dont work out.

[kellbell]

"then after a few days i changed my mind and sent him a e-card asking him if he wanted to go some place with me. he hasnt had time because he's been working (though it does seem like he's had some time off). he did reply and said he wanted to go and the last time i talked with him on IM he said he hoped to see me soon. "

 

It doesn't take much to back a man into a corner. But anyhow, from all the reasons you just posted, it sounds like he is not that into you. Mabe the fact you told him you could not date him because he was white and too old may have something to do with as well. His ego might be a bit bruised a bit and now he has pushed you away. In any case, I would lay low for a while and see what happens. You have done all you could. Good luck with everything and take care. [/b]

[teacup]

sigh i am so stupid. i guess it would do no good to apologize for calling him old and white in another email right? gah, im so dumb.

 

lesson learned: there's a difference between being honest and being rude and tactless.

 

*sigh*............

[kellbell]

No you are not stupid. Don't beat yourself up about this. We always have those foot in our mouths moments, it happens. Just try to relax and see what happens in a few days. Hugs to you.

[smallworld]

i just think he really really wants sex and it bothers me. and something's wrong and i feel horribly uncomfortable. and im hurting again because i hate it when men do this to me. makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

 

i had to get this off my chest. his comments about sex and his seeming to want sex really really scared me. (i dont know if he wanted anything else).

Teacup, If a guy in any way makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, trust your instincts and don't go out with him. Suitors are supposed to make you feel beautiful and special, not like a potential one night stand. Hold out for a guy whom you're attracted to, but one who finds your mind, heart, and spirit just as beautiful if not more so than your physical beauty. Hold out for someone who respects your culture, your values, and beliefs. Hold out for someone who wants to know everything there is to know about your dreams, ambitions, and deepest desires. Hold out for someone who loves and understand the real you and you'll never have to wonder why he's with you, if you can trust him, or what his intentions are. You'll just know!

[Msnak]

You did nothing wrong, you simply explained your feelings and you were human. Humans get confused and change their minds!

 

Definitely don't beat yourself up, as was stated earlier. Count yourself as a catch, every woman is...and realize that if he doesn't see you for all the wonderful woman you are, someone else will.

 

In the meantime, allow yourself to feel whatever feelings come your way, but certainly, don't overanalyze! You'll drive yourself nuts, take it from someone who knows.

 

And about him being busy, here's how I see it: even the busiest person in the world, say, a President of a country, can take a minute to call, or send an email. There's really no excuse. (I had a similar situation!)

[PavPPZ1]

Here's the reality, I think he was trying to sleep with you. Now he realizes you might be interested in something more. There was initial confusion, eventhough you said you did not want to date an old white guy. (how old?) he was perhaps never out to date you. Tell me if this is what happened? The two of you were at your place in the evening you were watching a movie, and you guys were getting affectionate, then thjings started to turn towards something more, and you told him you are not looking for a relationship and he was possibly too old, he realized that night he was not going to get any further with you. So he figured that is alright. He now sees that you see something in him that you like and perhaps want more, maybe not, but either way he is not goign to try to work for sex with you anymore, in his eyes he has already wasted one night.

 

This is the reality of the situation, I wont give you BS.

 

cheers!

[teacup]

yeah. i think that's true. it hella hurts. and it makes me really sick to get burned like that.

 

i dont know how men can be so cold and gross. but i wish i were dead. i wish this pain would go away. ugh.

 

i always thought he was cool, like nice and a good guy. and now i just want to puke. that's just so callous and disrespectful. what a awful, horrible thing to do to someone.

[PavPPZ1]

Dont beat your self up sweety, he was just not the right guy for you, its not neither of your faults, just move on and you will find someone else who you can be with.

[Mun]

Hmmm.... let me get this straight. You went out with this guy ONCE and then sent him several emails kind of asking him out again, asked if it was ok if you went out with someone else and then told him you were not looking for sex but if he was you were not interested... this after only ONE date? I don't blame this guy for not responding...I think you said a bit too much here.Where's the fun? the mystery ? After the first date it's hard to tell if we want a relationship with a particular person. It takes time. Slow down.

 

You were at the stage where you are barely getting to know each other and finding out if you like spending time together. Why get ahead of yourself? I think you scared him away.

 

To me if a guy did this would send up huge red flags. I'd think he doesn't even know me yet, why is he so pushy?

 

I think you should back off. No more calls or emails. If he sincerely liked you then he will get in touch with you. If he was only looking for sex then he won't bother, but I think you should let him come to you now either way.

 

You seem like a good person that has alot to offer, next time try staying in the present frame of mind. Have fun on your dates and stay open to a second date-- if you are still interested. Then go out and have fun. Enjoy each other.

 

A good time to tell a guy you are not interested in just sex is when he is trying to get you into bed--before mentioning the words "girlfriend" or "exclusive" or before YOU are ready for sex. Be clear and don't ask Him for a relationship, but state it as " I'm looking for this" if he is too, he will let you know.

 

But hey, if you thought he was wrong for you because of his age and color then are you sure you are ok with it now? What changed?

[teacup]

hey mun,

i was tripping SO hard last week for no reason. i was really emotional because i wanted what i couldn't have. since i thought i couldnt have him anymore, i REALLY wanted him. i am the type that is very aggressive, tries really hard and goes after what they want and since i couldn't have him...i was going nuts.

 

did you read this?

link removed

 

now im not sure i care. i mean, yeah i like him. but i dont care if we get together anymore. i dont think he's worthy of me. i think i am higher than him and i want more than he can offer. im younger, i pull a lot of guys (though i still feel empty), im a good person etc.

 

at the end of the night, he told me to call him tomorrow or email him my number. i didnt do either. i dont feel like bothering. you said, he should come to me now right? i think so too.

 

well, when we were making out, i told him that i hate guys that only want sex and that it's okay to want sex just not if it's the only thing. i want more than that. and i asked him if we should still see each other. and he said yeah. he told me he likes me a lot. (should i believe him even though he doesnt email me or contact me?) the thing is i read ppl's facial expressions and his facial expression seemed like it was real? it seemed like he felt affection for me.

 

either way..... i need to find something else to put my mind on and to focus on. this isnt helping me. plus, when i went to his restroom, i noticed all these beer bottles on the ground and in the trashcan. i think he has some sort of alcohol problem. (even though he seems normal). but im not super interested in getting with someone who has alcohol abuse, broken family, and financial problems.

 

it's ironic, but when you see someone in a more human and less than perfect light, suddenly, they dont seem so great. i am losing interest. i dont know why.

 

i want to find someone who is really genuine and worthy of me. someone who wants to be with me and who i want to be with too.

 

opinions? advice?

[Belle]

You need to get off of this emotional roller coaster. Your defenses are up high and you are doing this to yourself. Our insecurities get the best of us when we are afraid of rejection. And normal guys and girls would walk if they saw this type of flip flop mentality. Nobody wants to get involved with someone who has no idea what they want and you don't sound like you do.

 

That being said, I think you are seeing some real red flags. Although most of your list was kinda sketchy, 1,2,4 and 5 altogether, particularly #5 give a little cause for concern. The problem is, you don't know how to trust YOURSELF to handle the situation and say no. Any guy can try with you, but you wouldn't get so upset if you really believed you weren't gullible to falling in bed with him. You have to be strong. He's not going to do it for you. Men aren't built that way. And if he goes away because you don't give him sex? You say NEXT. But until then, give him a little bit of hte benefit of the doubt.

 

And try to get off the roller coaster. You can't make a sound decision there.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[teacup]

thanks belle. i dont know how to get off the roller coaster.

 

did you read this?

 

link removed

 

still think i should give him the benefit of the doubt??

[Belle]

Hi teacup,

 

Getting off the roller coaster involves a few things. If you listen to some of the other posters and just take it very very slowly, you'll be able to listen to your instincts. He can't get over on you if you don't let him. And not all guys are out to hurt you. Learn to listen to yourself and trust your inner voice, and practice having confidence in that voice. And confidence in yourself. You will be just fine without this guy if it doesn't work out. If he does reject you for not wanting to have sex, so be it. You will have to find some inner peace and remind yourself of your positive attributes. Brush yourself off, hold your head up and remind yourself that his behavior is a reflection of him anyway, and not you.

 

If you can, try yoga and/or meditation. Learn to breathe deeply in and out. Learn to listen to yourself. Read about zen Buddism. Try to become a little more grounded and less emotional. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you can do this it will benefit every aspect of your life. Respect yourself and when you know you can trust your instincts you probably won't have the cognitive dissonance that's going on "I think he's a jerk, I think he's a sincere guy". Right now, I feel like you're struggling with an inner voice that's telling you you're not good enough. All of us have this at some point, usually when we're younger. Erase the negative messages from the past by repeating positive ones whether you believe it or not. You will eventually.

 

The focus should be you right now. He's just white noise (no pun intended). Oprah said "luck is preparation meeting opportunity". So get busy being a better partner in a relationship for the right one. I don't think you are at a place that this one will work out. Maybe I'm wrong. But get busy being the right person to be in a good, grounded relationship in the future. Watch people who have these qualities and emulate them. Especially watch those who are in healthy, happy relationships. Your girlfriends will give you bad advice, sometimes out of protection, mostly out of sabotage. They'll suggest you play hard games and this simply doesn't work long term. When you trust yourself, you'll learn to be trustworthy to a guy without wreaking havoc and chasing them off. And when you become more and more grounded, you attract more grounded guys who know what they want. Just practice. You'll see.

 

best of luck,

 

Belle

[PavPPZ1]

Some guys feel that if they contact the girl then they seem weak, or desperate so they dont contact them based on that reason. This is basically from past experience, women seem to get a misunderstanding sometimes if a guy is out going and tries to make contact. But I am sure there's more to it then that... So just follow your heart, what ever it is telling you to do go with that.