An age AND experience AND financial gap

[armchairshrink]

OK, here's my problem. A family member of mine is 48 and his new girlfriend is 22. He has never been married and has not dated for quite some time (that's another story). He trusts me and has asked for my honest opinion about her.

 

I'm not generally opposed to age-gap relationships (my husband is 3 years younger than me and we don't consider it a gap at all), but this one is different. Here are some reasons why, in no particular order:

 

1- He's a year older than her father

2- He has been in bankruptcy, and is still just making ends meet

3- She, at 22, has never had a driver's license, never had a job, and never lived away from home (until now; she has just moved in with him and his housemates); she's never gone to college either (so what has she been doing the last 4 years??)

4- They have been dating for less than 6 months and are already talking seriously about marriage

5- She has talked him into buying several things he can't afford, yet she shows no indication that she is willing to get a job -- and he is already working 2 jobs

6- She thinks nothing of giving out his cell phone number to her friends as her primary contact number -- and has not offered to pay any part of the bill

7- She has an expensive hobby, which my family member shares. Neither of them can really afford it, but they continue in it as if they can

8- She and her parents do not get along and she admits that she was actively looking for a way out of her parents' house

9- Her parents DO NOT object to her living with him in a house with 2 other men that they have never met

10- Other members of my family speculate from things that she has said that her father actually encourages this match as a way to get her out of his house and checkbook

 

There's more, but I'm getting distressed just thinking about it. I know my family member can be immature and naive (odd for a 48-year-old) -- and so does he. He has asked me for my honest opinion about her, and I'm afraid it's not good so far. It's not the age so much as the experience and maturity level that bothers me. That, and I don't see that she brings anything material to the relationship. I mean, I believe in love, but you can't eat it. I believe that both parties need to contribute in many ways to make a relationship work -- including financially, if need be.

 

On the other hand, she makes him happy and um, comfortable.

 

Does this look as bad to anyone else as it does to me? And how do I break it to him?

[Serendipity1607307077]

Well, he asked for your honest opinion.. so tell him everything that you just said in your post! It's to the point and honest, and I think he will appreciate your thoughts..

 

You care about him and his happiness, but maybe say that he should get his gf to go and get a job and pull her weight - it's not fair to have him working two jobs to make ends meet and to keep her happy.

 

Anyone can get a job at a supermarket, and it doesn't take any qualifications... even working there will provide another income..

 

It does look bad, but if he is happy....

[armchairshrink]

Anyone can get a job at a supermarket, and it doesn't take any qualifications... even working there will provide another income..

 

Hmm, good thought, Serendipity. Although, she'd have to get her driver's license first -- their town does not have a public transportation system to speak of. Still, it's do-able.

 

I just wonder why this idea has not occurred to her. She's been dating him for 6 months and I know he's told her about the bankruptcy. They're contemplating marriage. If she loves him as much as she claims, wouldn't she be looking for ways to help? Or am I being naive now?

[Mr. Cactus]

I know I will get flamed for this, but personally I think that once someone gets to a certain age - and having never been married before - then they are often actually better off staying single for the rest of their days. This man has lived perhaps two-thirds of his life and he is thinking of marrying a person who is virtually just starting out with theirs. Even formal studies I have seen indicate that once a man gets to his mid-thirties without having married, then it is very likely he will remain single all his life.

 

What I am trying to say is that I think even under ideal circumstances, a first marriage at his age is going to be such a monumental change to his way of life, that I just wonder if he is really going to be fulfilled and happy anyway. I just feel that if he really was a marriage minded person, he would have done something positive about it two decades ago. Add to that all the problems you mentioned in your first post - and I think this marriage - were it to occur - would either be brief or very unhappy. And I know who will come out of it worse for wear too. It would be particularly devastating for him because of his age and the fact that it would be his first marriage.

 

Of course, I don't see a problem with people his age and older getting married if they have been previously married. That is completely different, since the marriage mindset became part of them at a younger age.

 

I guess I should add that I recently had an age-gap friendship which ended once I really found out how immature she really was (she actually managed to act mature and have me fooled for 5 months). When that ended it was devastating - I still haven't gotten over it 6 months later. So I can't imagine how horrific a failed marriage would be for him. I just don't think it is worth the risk. I think age gap relationships (of any sort) can only work when the younger person is fully mature. At what age this occurs naturally varies from person to person.

[Luciana]

This is crazy. It should be stopped.

The guy is insane and irresponsible and blind. And she is a young dimwit.

 

What an outrageous situation. I would NEVER allow my daughter to date such an older man. Why is her father not taking action?

[RayKay]

I would tell him what you have told us.

 

 

It would be different if it was unsolicited, but it sounds like he asked you, and trusts your judgement, so I would sit down for drinks, and respectfully say all that you have said here about your concerns.

[armchairshrink]

What an outrageous situation. I would NEVER allow my daughter to date such an older man. Why is her father not taking action?

 

Luciana, the speculation is that her father is actually encouraging this match. From what I understand, she's been living at home all her life; she's 22, and never went to college. That means she's been there, doing ??? since graduating from high school. She has no driver's license, which she could have gotten at age 16, so anytime she wanted to go anywhere, a parent had to take her. And of course, fund her little expedition.

 

Her family is fairly dysfunctional from what little I've heard from her and other sources. Under ordinary circumstances, I'd say this situation is unthinkable. But given the level of dysfunction, I'm not surprised that her father would allow this. He probably considers her a drain on his resources, not a daughter (little dreaming that, if she shows so little motivation, he is at least partly responsible).

 

*SIGH* I've only actually met this girl once. She told me some things about her family, and the fact that she doesn't have a job. The rest I've heard from other family members who have been around her more often in the last 6 months. And the bit about the father is speculation from those other family members. It's based on things she's said, but it's still speculation.

 

They do make each other very happy, and I feel I should factor happiness in, to be fair. She is the only female in the area who shares my family member's interests/hobby/sport -- which he has already said he is not giving up. Unfortunately, each member of this couple has faults that feed the other's faults.

 

I think I already know the answer to this question, but -- is there a chance I'm being too hasty? Should I get to know her better myself before I tell him to drop her like a hot potato? Or should I nip this thing in the bud before they do something stupid, like elope?

[smallworld]

Armchairshrink, I don't think you're being too hasty to judge the situation, but based on her honesty with you and their obvious happiness, I suggest telling him the truth BUT encouraging him to make it a prerequisite that she get a job before they get married. I'd advise him to consider an engagement of at least a year from the time she gets the job, so working becomes second nature to her vs. a hobby.

 

Getting that job isn't just about paying her fair share. It's also about loving her enough to want her to be self-sufficient (What if anything were to ever happen to him?) and to encourage her to grow and thrive into the best version of herself. It seems to me no one has ever really had any expectations for this girl and she's unfortunately met those lack of expectations. Love is supposed to enrich our lives and make us better than we ever thought we could be. Why not her? Why not him? Why not now?

 

If she balks at the idea of getting a job, he'll have to decide how much he's willing to do to support her carefree lifestyle. But at least if you point out the truth, he can make an informed decision.

[qpmomma]

I don't think the age itself is the problem. I've seen ppl with 30 year age gaps have happy, fulfilled marriages. However, I think they are just using eachother. It sounds like he doesn't want to die alone and he's so exicted he's met someone who wants to marry him, he's blind to the fact, she's not the right one. And it sounds like she's using him to get out of her parent's house. I've known ppl on both sides of the fence, and this won't end good. So, you can either tell him (respectfully, and lovingly) that you don't think she's the right one for him. Or you can keep your peace and watch a trainwreck. It's up to you. At least if you say something, you'll know you did your part.

 

Christina

[beanpaper]

I think he might as well have fun with her as long as he can afford to, but be careful not to get stuck with her: ie, have her move in, or marry her. Maybe he can be a good influence on her to get her license and stuff like that. As you mentioned, for her to be totally dependent at her age can't entirely be her fault - there's something amiss with her upbringing there. She is at least fully enabled by her family. But he is a grown man and she makes him happy. If he is careful, and aware, why not? Maybe they are a match.

[Serendipity1607307077]

What an outrageous situation. I would NEVER allow my daughter to date such an older man. Why is her father not taking action?

 

Luciana, the speculation is that her father is actually encouraging this match.

 

My fiancee's sister went out with this guy that she has a baby to now, and they have been split up for ages. His parents took him back into their home, but she overheard them saying to him "When are you going to move back in with her? We want you out of our house."

 

It seems that they don't really care about his welfare, they just want him out of their hair!

 

And there is nothing wrong with age gaps, so I don't think that's the problem here - it's his infatuation with her. He probably thinks the idea of a younger woman very exciting! But he does need to be smart about the whole situation.

Without money, how are they going to plan their wedding? How are they going to buy a house? Are they going to have children?

 

I feel like he is being used as leverage to get out of the life she is currently in..

[grymoire]

armchair any updates?

[mythy]

He seems to be taking on all the characteristics of a father i.e supporting her financially, giving her a roof over her head, giving her unconditional love and support.

 

He does not feel threatened by her because they live similar lifestyles and he can provide something for her that he probably couldn't do for most independent women.

 

I believe she is using him.

Any relationship that is unequal is not healthy and not sustainable.

[RooferGirl23]

If they LOVE eachother, and are happy, thats what really matters. allot of what you posted are material issues, and a good strong relationship is not based soley on that. Me and my guy are 16 years apart. He has children that I'm not old enough to have, and we still make it.

 

Share your thoughts with him, yes, but also let him live his own life.

[armchairshrink]

Hi, everyone! Thanks for all your responses; you've all made good points. After having done more fact-finding (and suffering a bout of the flu), I have an update -- and the situation is both less and more ridiculous than I originally posted. Here goes:

 

1. She has worked before; she is merely between jobs now, and has every intention of getting another.

 

2. She does keep up with the housework, so the house is probably cleaner than it has been in ages.

 

3. The "new things" that she had "talked him into buying" are neither new nor bought. It's just a portable CD player with car adaptor that she brought with her when she moved in. Neither of them paid for it; she got it for Christmas last year.

 

4. It's true she has no driver's license and no car; but apparently that's not entirely her fault. This is where the real insanity starts, so brace yourselves:

 

This young lady has a half-sister that is 11 years older than her. The short story on Big Sister is this: got driver's license, got car, went to party, got pregnant; hopefully not on the same day. The mother, who from various descriptions sounds seriously bipolar, just lost it. Mommy Dearest decided that the root of her older daughter's problems was the Driver's License -- everything else stemmed from that. So she became a control freak over her younger daughter and would not allow the girl to get her license. Actually, Mommy Dearest wouldn't allow the girl to finish her driver's ed class; so naturally, no license.

 

I don't know what the father was doing through all of this. The mother speaks hatefully and abusively about and to the girl; when the father hears any of this, he puts a stop to it immediately and firmly, or so I'm told. So I don't know why he couldn't rein in his wife and let the girl get her license.

 

Anyway, the father encouraged the girl to move in with my family member, and to finish her driver's education. When she does, her father is going to give her the car he's currently driving -- it's kind of old, but it's paid off. The father is reported to have told her that no, he doesn't really like her moving in with anyone; but he likes my family member and he'd like to do anything to help her start to "live her life". (Again, I ask where was all this support when Mommy Dearest wouldn't let her finish driver's ed?). Needless to say, Mommy Dearest is livid.

 

So I still don't know what to make of all this. The girl in question seems thoughtful and intelligent -- and a lot more motivated than my sister-in-law made her out to be (my SIL is where I got most of my previous information -- or misinformation). But now it looks like she has even more reason to be using my family member to get out of the house. And none of this rules out the original speculation that the father wants to get her off his checkbook any way he can.

 

*sigh* And none of this means that she doesn't actually love him, or at least believe she does. I have spoken to him about this, and he's aware of the risks. I think he really does love her. Unfortunately, only time will tell if it's real, or if they're both just blindly delighted with having found someone to end their loneliness. I'm trying to encourage them to just date for awhile and find out if they really can live together.

 

Well, that's it for now. She's having Thanksgiving dinner with us, so I'll get to talk to her more. And I'll get to smack the sister-in-law who fed me all the misinformation (apparently she doesn't approve), so at the very least it will be an interesting holiday. Wish me luck!

[Angel Irulan]

You aren't doing him any good by getting involved. A 48 year old man should be able to make these decisions by himself. Then keep quiet about the whole thing. If it does go wrong, it's a learning experience for him. It's his affair.

[Angel Irulan]

This is crazy. It should be stopped.

The guy is insane and irresponsible and blind. And she is a young dimwit.

 

What an outrageous situation. I would NEVER allow my daughter to date such an older man. Why is her father not taking action?

 

And the daughter is 22 years old. She's an adult. You have a problem with that? I think your daughter is likely to be a very unhappy young woman if she has to deal with you.

[Angel Irulan]

Why is everyone so hateful on this board about Age Gap Relationships? I think your mods should start pulling some threads or rename this forum: "Age Gap Relationships--Bash Them Here." I have not seen one positive or affirming post.

 

WHERE ARE THE MODS??? They have a responsiblity not to allow this attitude to prevail because it flys in the face of anyone who comes here seeking help with an issue.