Putting it out there to make it more real

[promenade]

My story:

 

Three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I am now left with nearly unmaneagable feelings of guilt and sorrow. Our connection, 10+ years ago, was truly intense, confusing, wonderful, and troubled right from the start. Our relationship, for my part, was largely a kind of in an intellectual connection we had for one another. The physical part felt somewhat inauthentic, but it seemed like it would be able to grow once we (I) got past our defenses. Always wanting to want more. It’s such a terrible trap. So much self violence involved there. And that’s where the relationship eventually went. He became violent. He never hit me, but threatened and harassed me physically for not loving him.

 

We had broken up once before, around 2 years ago. I was unfaithful once and admitted it to him. I did something I never imagined in million years I would ever do. But I think I saw an out and took it. One might say, “You could have left or at least said something if you wanted out. Why cheat?” To which I’d reply, “Looks like I didn’t have the guts. Plus, talking always got us to rationalization which always talked the feelings away.” Four months post breakup #1, we got back together upon his recontacting me and essentially persuading me. Or, to take responsibilty, my believing in us as a possiblity and ignoring all logical past experiences of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. See what I mean about all the talking...?

 

And the thing is, this silly thing remains...we had these special cats together. They were like angels, like our children. And they’re no longer in my life. I moved out. I left.

 

So now I’m left with a stange mix of ugly feelings. And worst of all, I just feel plain sad. I’ve never felt a sadness this consuming. I’m good friends with depression, but sadness like this is new to me. See, ex, I do have a heart.

 

Why did I stay so long? Why can’t I let go? Still now after everything that’s happened, I can’t take the final steps to make our already ended relationship truly final.

[Echo]

Promenade....

 

I am feeling you on this one.Tonight, I feel REALLY down too. I miss my ex SO much, and wish I could take a pill and just forget him. I am SURE he's forgotten me.....or at least never thinks of me. Why do we orture ourselves SO much over someone.....why????

[Serendipity1607307077]

It takes a lot of time and patience to get over something big like that... it seems like you go around in circles - just when you feel like you are getting over them, something reminds you of what you had and brings you back to square one.

 

When I was going through a breakup with my boyfriend and a death in my family, it took me so long to go through my feelings and sort them out into something that made sense. The best thing I did was write poetry, a lot of it which I have posted on eNotalone...

 

You need to find something to divert your mind from your ex. Find someone to talk to about it... write down your feelings on a day to day basis if you need to..

[promenade]

I think that's what this first post was for me...an attempt to start sorting out my feelings by putting them out there for myself and others to experience. Writing felt cathartic (it always does, right?). Thanks to both of you for taking the time to respond.

[Eowyn]

Boy, do I feel your pain. I recently, very recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I had to accept that he wasn't the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that I wanted more, and deserved more. I am having a hard time not picking up the phone right now. I found that reading the posts of people whose bf/gf broke up with them was damaging, since I was the one that ended it. I need the comfort of knowing I am not alone in leaving, and missing, and wanting, and fantasizing about our picture perfect future with the 2 dogs and .....

 

My boyfriend was not abusive, but he was emotionally needy in a way that I simply could not keep up with. I knew I deserved better and that he would never change, so I had to end it. But now I am processing all of the resentment, pain, intolerance, depression, anger, sadness, its like a see saw. Either I am sad or very angry with him for not living up to my expectations. I hate that. I am struggling.

 

I too was accused of not having a heart. He called last night, restricted his number t trick me into answering. He's hurting real bad right now and I think he wanted to make sure I was suffering too. He told me I was "so cold".

 

Why did we stay? I think we fell in love with their potential, and then clung to that delusion when things got bad, then worse. We go back because WE ARE INSANE. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. At the moment I began my reply to you, I wanted to call him. After this post, I think I can make it through one more day without running back.

 

wb.

[promenade]

I spent all of today crying. We spoke a couple of times last week regarding some of my stuff that is still at his apartment. Most of the calls were unpleasant and angry, but last night he left me a message apologizing for making leaving so difficult. He basically released me and said he would no longer fight me. I just have to let him know when I'm picking up the rest of my stuff.

 

It's so unreasonable, but this final call kills me. He's finally treating me with respect, but it's only upon leaving. The last thing I want to do is be deluded into believing our relationship could change by this kind of shift in communication, but I've spent today aching to call. I haven't called.

 

Eowyn, I think you're right about falling in love with potential. I fell in love with our potential, not only his. We put so much effort into a life we imagined, and now I'm left with only myself, confused and terribly lonely. I keep reminding myself that at least it's real. My lonliness is real and honest. I can build from there. I wish you all the strength you need to move forward in whatever way feels most honest to you.

[Eowyn]

It may be too soon to get yourself another cat , but maybe a fish could start to fill the void the angels have left.

 

I finally started crying. I didn't cry the first week. I think its good to cry. We need to let all this crap out and our body is telling us how to do that, cry.

 

I too have been finally getting some of the respect I deserved throughout the whole relationship, but you and I, we need to stay strong. Thats a trap! They want us back! So now, they are becoming new men to try to lure us back into their grips.

 

I have seen many posts about moving on and dating around, but I know I am not ready for that. Have you tried dating at all in these last few months? I imagine it would be very awkward. I think when we walk away from a realtionship we become stronger women, and we need to be strong women for us, not strong for a new man in our life.

 

Not calling is hard, really hard, especially since this is the amount of time you were apart previously. I found that writing a long list of reasons why I broke up with him and reviewing that when I want to call helps me not want to call. Also, posting here, and reviewing my pain as its immortalized on the internet, and then reading and posting to other's situations, helps remind me too. Have you browsed other postings? You may find them very helpful. As I type back to you it helps me not to call.

 

There was another profound piece of advice I was going to share, but now I can't remember what it was. I guess thats God's way of showing me that my next thought would not have been of use to you.

 

I'll be working on a midterm for my online course probably all night, so I'll be on the computer for a while if you're still out there.

[kpow]

I completely understand both eowyn and promenade. You can read my post-- essentially I broke up with him b/c I after 2 years of not fulfilling my needs, and basically acting like a child, I couldn't take it. Now I am devestated and rethinking the whole thing, and wishing to God that I had taken him back one of the million times he begged me to. Now he is "in love" with someone else, has moved on and left me in the dust. It is SO hard, yet at some level I know he wasn't right. Right????!!! And so do you.

 

We must trust that when the "right" guy comes along it will click on ALL levels, not just the physical without the intellectual or the intellectual without the physical. Please, let there be that union out there!

 

Please keep posting. It is coming here and reading everyone's stories that get me through each day.

[Juha]

I wont be putting any emotion into a relationship for a long while after my last one....

 

It was the most emotional and my feelings for this person the strongest and most special I have ever felt and do not think it will be duplicated anytime if ever...

 

I will date casually but nothing serious...I need to take care of me and not spend my emotions on other people...That is what my last relationship showed me....

 

I am going to be very protective of me, my heart, and my emotions, I will go as slow as possible....

[promenade]

I can't tell all of you how meaningful it is to me that you're out there experiencing some of the same pain, doubt and fear I'm feeling. I have always had a hard time reaching out to people and truly feeling supported, but this message board and the people who respond so thoughtfully to it have quite literally changed my view of the world. It's astounding to me how helpful words out there in nowhereland can be. Thank you for your affirmations and for the time you take to express yourselves. It means so much.

 

Kpow, you know you made the right decision. Let yourself be strong in that. That goes for you too, Eowyn. When I feel like I should go back to him, I remember I'm in this place right now because a thousand times before, when we were together, holding hands, walking down the street, there was something that kept me from relaxing completely, from truly enjoying myself in the moment. At least now I have peace of mind that I'm a whole person again...an often sad person, but a whole person. There is something incredibly freeing in that thought for me.