Complex over sex and virginity

[Eadgbe]

Im starting to think I have a complex over sex and virginity. I lost mine when i was 20 (almost 21). Is that sad? The first girl I slept with i didn't have an orgasm because i didn't feel completely comfortable. When I was 21 I had my first long term relationship, that was the first time i was really comfortable with sex. She cheated on me (we were in a 'friends with benefits' situation and she had a one night stand with another guy) and that messed me up a lot because i have never been able to pick up a girl and sleep with her in one night. She dumped me about 6 months ago, because I had become so messed up and jealous over it.

 

I've always been a bit hopeless with girls. Ive felt kind of afraid for a long time that I would never loose my virginity. Maybe Im picky about who i sleep with, or maybe i just use that as justification as to why i haven't had more sex/lost my virginity earlier. Maybe im just afraid of getting close to girls, because ive been dumped/rejected and had bad experiences with relatinships in the past. Maybe Im looking for something too meaningful, taking it too seriously. Maybe i just need to get over my ex.

 

I really like girls, i really want to go out and have fun and have sex, i just dont want to have a complex over it. I dont know if what im saying makes a whole lot of sense, im having a hard time recognising my own emotions and sorting this out, can anyone else relate to what im saying?

[Mythica]

I can completely relate. I have a hard time finding guys, even though most of my friends are guys. You know what I'm saying? I'm a virgin, but I fell like it either won't come soon enough, or it's never gonna come. I hate the feeling. But I gotta live with it.

 

I say you should get over your ex. She doesn't deserve you. If she is just going to go out and have sex and expect you to get over it just like that*snap*, then she has another thing coming. You deserve better.

 

Unless I'm misunderstanding and you are saying that you would do that too... I hope I'm not.

[BellaDonna]

Im starting to think I have a complex over sex and virginity. I lost mine when i was 20 (almost 21). Is that sad?

 

No. Not at all.

 

 

 

The first girl I slept with i didn't have an orgasm because i didn't feel completely comfortable

 

Sounds pretty normal to me. Half of sex is mental. If you're mind is not there- your body won't be eihter.

Maybe Im looking for something too meaningful, taking it too seriously

 

I don't think so. You've decided you don't like casual sex. You want sex to be meaningful and not just a cheap thrill. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't think you have a complex at all- I think you have self-respect and standards. I think more people should be like you.

 

Maybe i just need to get over my ex.

 

Even if you did go out and have sex casually with women, that would probably not help you get over your ex. That's something that has to come from within when you're healed. So in the meantime, go out and have fun-and fun doesn't have to equal sex.

 

BellaDonna

[hayleyrosa]

Sex comes in different forms, a one night stand can be fun if you just want some exercise. But having sex with someone you love is different, it's a by-product of the love you feel, not just a cheap thrill. It's a lot more meaningfull.

Somebody will turn up when you least expect it and sweep you off your feet and when you truly care about someone, and they for you, neither of you will give a damn about each others history, you'll be living for the moment.

So don't worry if your having problems random one night sex, because when you actually need confidence, it will be there.

[heloladies21]

Dude, i'll pm you a site for help with getting girls. It's really good.

[Jinx]

The first girl I slept with i didn't have an orgasm because i didn't feel completely comfortable.

 

I don't see the sad portion of losing one's virginity at 20. There are people much older than that which have waited to find "The One". As for the girl not having an orgasm, that is normal and even common. Even more so if you didn't feel entirely comfortable.

 

Being picky about who you do and don't sleep with, I personally believe, is a much better policy than for those which can hop from one night stand, to one night stand without concern. One, it is more beneficial to your health. Secondly, it seems you have standards which are good, because if you didn't have those and took anything that came your way, years from now you might look back and regret the lack of them.

 

Concerning rejection and being dumped, these are all part of the dating process, cruel as it might be. For rejection you need to consider all the reasons behind this, and the key is being confident. For each time you're rejected it may be painful but eventually you will be accepted. Finding someone isn't an overnight process.

 

You may need to approach more women that you're NOT interested in. That way you can build up your confidence level about talking, it will become much easier. Thing is, when you're just starting to have casual conversations with any woman you meet you realize you're not making any commitment and there is no negative side effects as you won't be rejected. You'll also be improving your social skills meanwhile. Dwelling on past rejection and limiting your opposite sex interaction will only hurt your chances.

[Ritzbitz]

Eadgbe, my question to you is what do YOU want? Do you want to have lots of casual sex because you want it or because you think you have a problem if you're not into it? I get the feeling from your post, that it's more likely the latter. Do not buy into what people think is normal. What is normal for them may not be the thing for you.

 

I have heard of countless people who gave in to the idea of casual sex, and who regret it, because they're the kind of people who cannot feel comfortable with sex outside of a long term relationship setting. If that's the kind of person you are, be proud of yourself. You'll go through a lot less heartache than someone who adopts this lifestyle because they think this is the way to go. Go with what your heart feels is right and you'll be fine.

 

I myself happen to be a person who couldn't take the stress and unsurity of a casual relationship and this knowledge keeps me from buying into this ideology that would be very hurtful to me.

 

And please please don't use sex to get over anyone. It's a disservice to yourself and the person you do engage in this activity with. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on, and definitely not blamed for it afterwards. Your gf is just trying to pin her guilt on you. Your best revenge on her is to get over her and move on to bigger and better things. As for being screwed up because of her behaviour... Trust me there are many many sincere people out there who feel cheating is as repulsive as you do. Once you realize that there's nothing wrong with the way you think and that there are people out there like you, your insecurities will slip away. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Eadgbe]

Thanks for all the replies and advice : )

 

I think you are right in saying that I sometimes feel as though I am abnormal because I have different views to sex and relationships than a lot of the people around me. This confuses me because i want to feel 'normal' yet a lot of my friends do engage in one night stands and the like, and i know that these are generally good, nice, successful people so how can they be wrong? But as Ritzbitz said, I shouldn't buy into what people think is normal, because everyone is different, and if I think about it, i probably have just as many friends who have conservative views of sex as those who dont

 

So i dont think ill ever choose to have a one night stand, i will reserve sex for meaningful relationships. Thankyou all again for helping me with this

[ShySoul]

Far too many people treat sex like its the new national past time. You on the other hand, have more self respect and better values. You want sex to be meaningful, something that your entire being is put into. You have the right idea and should in no way feel bad about it.

 

I'm 22 and don't plan on having sex until I'm married... which will probably be a long time considering I've yet to even have a girlfriend. I'm not ashamed in the slightest, I'm proud of it. I have friends who are also virgins who are even older then me. So losing it at 20 is far from sad. What is sadder is the people who lost it before but to someone that they wish they hadn't. It is normal to want sex to be with someone you care about, not just one night stands. And just because these people are generally nice and successful, doesn't mean they have to be right.

 

Your on the right track. Don't let this get you down.