Confused and insecure

[kboykb]

Allo people - I just need a couple different opinions as to what i should do about my current situation. Me and my gf have been togehter 3 1/2 years.. 2 1/2 of these years have been long distance. I'm in Atlanta, she's 2 hours away in Greenville, SC. She's my 1st love so when we got together she was my everything (and still is) - I couldn't see myself with anyone else.

 

Over the years I feel .. not really my love declining, but her love gaining for me and mine not matching hers. When we're together she tells me she loves me with vigor and meaning, looks at me in the eyes with such feeling.. and it makes me feel so bad that I don't have that same fire.

 

As our relationship progressed, she became quite mean and very argumentative, while i've sorta stayed neutral. It almost got to the point that I avoided hanging out with my friends until we got off the phone at night time so she wouldn't meaninglessly argue with me about staying out too late or something (sounds stupid but that's how bad it got). I just recently came to the conclusion that I should let her get mad if she wants to, but if I'm not doing anything wrong I should have no reason to avoid hanging out at others houses late at night or whatever. It's like she tries to keep me "in check" with her sharp mouth (and it is indeed sharp), but I'm not going to fear or be intimidated by my gf .. that's not right.

 

She talks about marriage *a lot* (she's only 17, I'm 20), then jumps on me because I don't talk about it at all like she does. Marriage is very sacred to me and I'm definitely not trying to rush into it, and at the current moment I just don't know if she's the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes I truly love her, and at times not as much..

 

Finally the Long Distance thing is just getting to me. I'm not a very talkative person and LD Relationships rely on the phone SO MUCH. We basically have the same (with some variation) conversation every day filled with "I love yous" "I miss yous" "mwahs" "i'm sleepy" .. And the drive is starting to get to me. 2 Hours may not seem so bad at first but after 2 1/2 years of doing it every weekend it just gets to you.. Sometimes I Just want to rest on the weekend.

 

I don't want you guys to think I'm stringing a very loving girl along for no reason.. I'm just confused. Like I said I do love her, but she feels more strongly for me.. which is very sad, I know that. We've just been through a lot of things and my attitude towards her has changed over the years....

 

Last thing - I went over for the weekend and stayed with her all day over my cuz's house.. the next day I was preparing to go home and she made it really obvious that she wanted me to stay another day.. instead of being happy that I get to see my gf for another day I was actually more ready to go home.. One day is fine but that's why I feel i can't marry her.. It just wouldn't last.

[Beec]

It seems to me that she is the one who is insecure. And she is the one who is tying you down making demands on you, which is why you don't have the same feelings.

 

 

One of my favorite people on this forum once wrote something along the lines of "if you want a fire to really burn, you need to give it some air."

 

She is not giving you any air, she is making demands on you, she is acting very needy and clingy, and that is driving you away from her. What you need to do is make her feel more secure, while breaking the bonds of her needs.

 

You need to let her get mad at you when you are out with your friends, and let her yell and scream all night, and not let it affect you. Just let her get mad and let her know you did nothing wrong and are not going to feel bad about it. If you want to do it and it is ok to do, then do it and don't let her stop you.

 

Then after she is mad, let her stew for a day or two, and then go and do soemthing special, mkae her feel more secure. Send her a card of an ecard that say, I know you are mad at me, but I love you anyway. She may think this is you apologizing, make it clear it is not. Use words like letting the fire burn when it gets air, etc.

 

Help her be more independent of you by letting her feel more secure and fight for your own independence. And next time you see her, have some fun together.

[goddess23]

hey well i sound alot like your gf. i mean in the sense that at first he was very loving and very into me and what not he would talk about marraige and everything and it was great but as time passed my love grew while his somewhat declined. and its sometimes he truly loves me and other times he doesnt. and he broke up with me because he just felt guilty that it simply wasnt matching up. and frankly, if you're feeling this way, i think it is time to let go of it. not to mention that in your situation there are ALOT OF OTHER things that are causing problems or stressing the both of you out such as the long distance and the arguments. i would suggest truly talking to her because i can tell you as the dumpee, i was hurt no doubt but i was happier knowing the truth, not being lead on. and you know what, maybe right now you think you're sparing her pain but you're not, you are leading her on. now grated, you yourself are confused (my bf at the time was too, because there were no problems and he did still care about me) but unless this feels like just A SHORT faze, then its better to let go. and later, maybe things will change you guys will chagne you might get back together or just stay friends or maybe not. but no matter what you have to FOLLOW YOUR HEART. you guys are YOUNG, hey we're not really meant to meet the ONEEE yet. this is my theory: the reason we usually settle down later and find the "ONE" is because we are constantly changing and usualllly by the time we hit our mid 20s or 30s, we KNOW WHO WE ARE, and then we can know what we want. give it time see how you feel but dont drag it out too much because its unfair to both of you

[Beec]

goddess23, you have a good outlook. I think I'd try and get her to do waht would keep them together first, but I do like your attitude.

[kboykb]

I like your outlook also Goddess, but I like yours too Beec. It's strange because last night we were on the phone and out of the blue she brought up how the relationship is at a stand-still. We didn't split up, but that was the the red light for me to go ahead and tell her my feelings.

 

I'll try to figure out which one I'll go with. Beec: After last night's discussion I see that it may already be too late to heal everything, but I'll see what I can do.

[Beec]

One of the big things with trying to fix relationships is not trying to hold on too long. You have to let them go and figure out if what you offer is good enough.

 

You both know you are at a standstill. It would be better to break it off then force it forward. If it can go forward great. But if you force it, then when the break up comes, and it probably will, it will be worse and more likely to be permanent. If you break up, it need not be permanent. Plenty of us have gotten back together with exes.

[kboykb]

********

 

Okay I finally made the split yesterday. It was the hardest, longest, and most stressful thing in the world. She fought for almost 2 1/2 hours to change my mind, became incredibly clingy and dependent... and made me throw my phone and break it, lol ($220 down the drain!). If every breakup has to be like that I don't want anymore

 

Now that it's over I'm having neutral feelings. Of course I still love her, we've been together for 3 1/2 years, but if I got back in the relationship and the same stuff started happening then we'd be right back here again. It had gotten to the point that whenever my phone rang with her ringtone I'd get a weird nasty feeling in my stomach, I'd be mad for no reason when i drove up the road on the weekend to see her .. and other things that just brought overall unhapiness to me.

 

I could have fixed the relationship; the problem was that I just wasn't motivated to do so. If I got back in it I still don't think that motivation would be there. Is this how you usually feel after you breakup with a very long term and very serious gf?

 

She sent me a message saying she wanted to see me face to face before things are very finalized. I know if I go see her I'll cave in.. She's just having a really hard time letting go.

[kboykb]

*********

 

okay, I just took her back.. She told me how she'd been praying all day, crying, starving herself, no sleep.. Then she told me how hard she'd try if we tried again got back together.. and even though she said she'd feel comfortable with whatever decision I made I'm was still confused.

 

I just feel uneasy right now. Maybe taking her back was the right thing since I did feel uneasy after the break up, but now we're back together and i feel uneasy about taking her back. I told her that i wanted a break to think and not a break up. She couldn't take the waiting period and (somewhat) rushed my decision, and this is what I was trying to avoid (confusion on my part).

 

Maybe her clingy dependency is driving me away.. she was really wailing on the phone yesterday and that just made me like .. or the high school type things we do (she's 17 i'm 20).. something is still just really bugging me.

 

She's broken up with me like 6 times off of impulses or her period and came back the very next day. I don't act off of impulses so when i say something I mean it.. I just let her know that if we try again this the final time, because i don't want to keep trying over and over and over if nothing is going to come out of it.

[RayKay]

I just read your post for the first time, and I don't think taking her back was the right thing at all given your feelings, and the situation, and her reaction.

 

She said she did not care one way or the other - but you really don't believe that, do you? She was manipulating you to taking her back - just as she manipulates you into feeling guilt for being with friends, or for not talking marriage with her. She sounds immature (which is fine, she is only 17!) and really unawares of what an equal relationship is all about, or what a healthy relationship is all about. I mean you have been together since she was what 13 or 14....she does not KNOW any different of course it is hard...and you have been with her since you were 16 or 17? You are in the same boat...you are with her as she is familiar, and is almost all you know. So of course you felt strange afterwards! That's pretty common no matter what age you are or how long you have been together, as things just changed.

 

I hope everything works out for the best, but I think you are going against what you already know in your heart - this relationship is not the right one for you, this girl is not the right one for you. Part of dating and being in this period of your life is learning about yourself and also learning about what you are looking for and need in a partner and a relationship. And that also means finding out there are some people you are NOT compatible with and thereforeeee having to end things (or they end things with you).

 

That thing bugging you...well that's your gut, and you do need to learn to listen to it....it's instinct and there is reason for it. That weird nasty feeling when she called, the resentment when you went to see her...ALL ARE BIG SIGNS! And BOTH of you deserve better. This is not just about you, but it is also about her deserving someone whom loves her wholly and fully, and KNOWS they want to be with her. She may not realize it yet, but she even deserves more then you can provide, and you yourself deserve someone more mature and able to give you POSITIVE feelings.

 

Sometimes you need to break free from what you are doing to realize this is not what it's all about. And sometimes it is one person that needs to make that decision, rarely will both people be equally agreeable to a breakup (even mutual breakups often have someone "less mutual" about it then the other!).