Should I stay or leave?

[shakira]

I've been seeing someone, actually someone much, much older than me for the past 4 mths. From our many conversations, I gathered that he hadn't been married before and was still looking for the right girl. However, at a dinner recently, one of his friends let slip that he had been divorced in the past. I was very shocked and surprised. The thing is he hasn't apologised or explained why he didn't tell me in the first place.

Should I ditch him? Trust is an important issue in a relationship and I feel like its been broken here.

[darkblue]

He may have been ashamed of having a failed marriage.

Bring it up. If he doesn't explain and apologize - you have every right leave.

[DN]

This is very imprecise. Did he say specifically that he has never been married or did you just assume that from general conversation?

[shakira]

Thanks for the replies. I sorta surmised it cos' of various things he's said like 1) On our first date I asked him why he hadn't gotten married all these years and he said he couldn't find a girl with the right combination (2)He's told me that apart from me he's only said "I love you" to 2 other women who were both his ex gfs from ages ago (3) He's also said he's proposed to only 2 women in his life and they turned him down so thats why he was still single

I honestly thought I hadn't any reason not to believe him cos' he's works in a very respectable job and is a staunch Christian too. Now I don't know whether to ask him(he's currently away) at the risk of sounding confrontational and insecure or live with it; at the risk of being a passive doormat..

[DN]

Tell him that are a little puzzled because a friend of his said he was divorced and you thought he had never been married. Say it in a way that is not confrontational or angry but as a request for clarification. Listen carefully to his answer.

[Miss M]

On our first date I asked him why he hadn't gotten married all these years and he said he couldn't find a girl with the right combination

He seems evasive. This question alone was enough reason for him to say, "I HAVE been married, but it didn't work out, and I'm now divorced." It's really not that complicated. An upfront guy would have just told you about the divorce at that point. And you have every reason to be suspicious, cautious.

[arwen]

I think he might have been scared of losing you if he told you. I assume that you are at an age where it's not likely that you are divorced. Still, I think by four months it's a LOT to NOT tell.

 

I wouldn't ditch him straight away. Try to find out more about the reason they divorced. It might tell you all that you need to know. Maybe she plainly left him or betrayed him. It could be a horrible story on his (or the ex's) side. Because of course there is a possibility that he did something that led to the divorce and he's too ashamed of that to tell you. The only thing you can do is talk to him. Try to be gentle and sensitive about it, and don't start with the part about why he didn't tell you in the first place. It will probably shut him down or make him defensive (and not honest, like you need him to be).

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Duffy2005]

I second what Ilse is saying. Don't give up on the guy yet over this. Ilse's advice to ask your guy in a gentle and caring way is spot on! You will learn a lot from what happens. If he opens up and tells all you will probably become even closer to him (unless his secret is he's an axe murderer or something )

If he acts evasive or angry, then thats your signal his character may be flawed...or his secret is darker then he can share.

 

Best of luck to you!

[shakira]

Thanks for your replies!! Must say you guys are so much nicer and forgiving than my friends who told me to ditch him stat! Actually, he's mailed a reply and explanation which sounds pretty reasonable but still feel I need to talk to him and ask him some questions in person to be truly convinced.....hope it turns out ok...

Thanks once again...