My brief story, and my letter to her.

[alphonsefa]

Dated a woman who had come out of a 6 year abusive relationship. During our time together, she got into a pattern of running back to him and then running back to me. Finally, the line was drawn and we parted ways. We haven't been together for 8 months and have had no contact for 3 1/2 months. Even during the breakup she would call to tell me that I was the greatest guy, that I treated her better than anyone has. I guess I was just a rebound, because she is back in that same abusive relationship. She had called during the breakup to see how I was doing. Where I had every right to slam the phone down on her I didn't, I talked with her and kept it light. A month after she called me, I returned the same courtesy to her, but was greeted on the other end of the phone with one word answers. I told her at the breakup that, "you've mistaken kindness for weakness". I never chased her, I never asked her back, she came on her own whenever she would come back.

 

Today, I saw someone that I hadn't seen in a year. The first thing they said was, "I saw your old girlfriend and she said you were a jerk". It floored me! I was never a jerk, in fact if anything I gave the relationship too much of an opportunity to work, instead of leaving when the whole back and forth stuff started. To totally mis-characterize what had happened like that, instead of simply telling the person, "we aren't seeing each other any more", really bothered me for some reason. It's sort of the ultimate insult. She sabotages the relationship and it becomes my fault. I wrote a short letter that I haven't sent yet. Your feedback would be appreciated. Why would she say such a thing, and what impression would a letter like this leave you?

[teddyboy]

1)how do you know the guy said the truth,he could be making everything up.

2)she's the only abusive one if she chooses to be with that guy

3)the letter is fine but you're only abusing youself by paying too much attention to a girl with no self-esteem who already chose what she wants.

4)best of luck and I hope you can move on to a meaningful relationship with someone who will recognize what your worth.

[alphonsefa]

1) The person that told me was a woman, and someone I had seen last year at a Halloween party. This person has no reason to make something like that up. She just happens to shop where my Ex works from time to time. In fact, she told me that she got the impression that I was the one that broke up with her, which really surprised me.

 

2) I agree, she's as responsible for her situation as the guy abusing her. There is no reason whatsoever that she can't get herself out of that relationship.

 

3) Yes, and this is something that worries me. Does this all just backfire on me and let her know that she has gotten the best of me? I just didn't like the tone of her blaming this on me, could she really think that? I find that such a stretch for her to believe such a thing.

 

4) Yeah that makes two of us. I don't know why this one girl has gotten to me in this way. Dating has never been difficult for me, and usually I can move on in the blink of an eye after a breakup. But this one has me stuck here emotionally. I haven't stopped my life mind you, I've dated two other women since her, but for some reason, I can't get rid of this gut feeling that deep down there is still something there in her. Why else would she call me after 3 months when I told her never to call again? Why else would she twist the facts of the breakup instead of just saying, "I broke up with him"?

[teddyboy]

Why else would she call me after 3 months when I told her never to call again? Why else would she twist the facts of the breakup instead of just saying, "I broke up with him"?

 

Well,I don't know her,but as a man who's been out with plenty of women in my day I can assure you this seem to be a wave of women nowadays(and men too no doubt,I dont women to get mad at me here-lol),that want to have affairs without sacrificing anything.

I personally have been dismayed by the amount of women who seem to welcome extramarital affairs just as long as there are no emotional expenses.

 

Of course,it could also be that she likes you as a friend but not enough to offer her commitments.However.if you really love this woman why not try a different approach?

Just let it be.Listen to Paul Mcartney.

 

Talk to her,as a friend who will always be there for her when she needs you,independent of any conditions on her or yourself.Sometimes when a person sees that you're willing to let them free,they react by becoming more attracted to you somehow.

In any case,try to maintain a healthy mental attitude about this,otherwise it can get the best out of you.

Best wishes,

ted.

[alphonsefa]

This isn't an extramarital affair! The abusive Ex I spoke about is her boyfriend; now her current boyfriend again.

[teddyboy]

This isn't an extramarital affair! The abusive Ex I spoke about is her boyfriend; now her current boyfriend again.

 

True but my emphasis was on how many people want something in exchange for nothing;they want to eat in the same table with God and Beelzebub,so to speak.

[darkblue]

To get back to point:

 

I don't think you should send the letter. It would only be showing that you are still consumed with thoughts of her and her actions.

 

It won't help you and it won't help her.

She has chosen to be with an abuser and you have chosen to be away from the abused.

 

She used you as a comfort - the nice guy in the world. But she craved the thrill of life on the edge and was so damn certain this is the guy she loved. The father of her daughter etc.

 

Blah, whatever. Been there.

Get out and thank God every day that you got out when you did.

Heartbreak could be worse than this.

 

So you were used as a sort of comfortable, nice guy - rebound. Learn from it. Never do it again.

 

Find a woman that's secure, willing and has actually interest in who you are rather than the abuser you're not.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but sending a letter of revenge isn't the way to go.

You have to heal - not pay back the pain.

 

Good luck and I wish you the best on what you decide.

[beanpaper]

Just because you don't think you were a jerk doesn't mean she doesn't think you were. I think saying "everything I did was right, everything you did was wrong" in as many words, is kind of "jerky" or can be interpreted that way.

 

I say, let it go. It's just one of those things about relatinshiops ending. The old friend of yours was rather rude for bothering to tell you that.

[heloladies21]

The letter is a bad idea. It shows her that you still care about her even though she dissed you and that she can get a rise out of you by just making some small comments.

 

It doesn't matter what she thinks or says.

[normal man]

Yeah dont send the letter. Whats the point of asking her to explain why she is talking bad about you? Who cares, people who know you already and here that stuff wont believe it anyways.

 

If you're using that "jerk" comment just to have a reason to contact her, use another reason not that and write away

[alphonsefa]

Well, I had to get it out of my system. So on the way home from the studio I stopped by the mall where she works. Don't you know it, as I'm pulling into the parking lot, she is on her way out to her car to go home. I pulled up and said, "I want to talk you for a minute. I ran into someone who told me that you said I was a jerk." She denied it and claims she said, "it didn't work". I didn't argue the point, it's her word against the other woman's. What I did want back was a denim jacket that I've had for over 20 years. It has no material value whatsoever, but it has a lot of sentimental value. She had offered it back once before but I knew she liked wearing it so I was in no hurry to get it back. It may sound petty, but I wanted it back. I could care less about the money and other gifts I gave her; I never would ask for that stuff back. Another thing that didn't sit well was that I knew she was wearing it while going on motorcycle rides with the Abusive boyfriend. That did not sit well with me at all!

 

When I asked her for it she acted like she wasn't sure whether she had it or not. It was draped over the drivers side seat of her car as we were talking! I didn't push it, let her play her not sure if she has it game. The she said she wasn't sure if she had my address. Totally absurd! She has every letter and card ever sent to her from everyone who ever sent them. So I pulled out a business card, something she is unaware I was involved in, and jotted my number on the back. Then it just came out, I had to ask the question even though I knew the answer. I said, "are you back with him"? She immediately put her head down, turned and walked to her car. I then said, "are you back with (his name)"? Again no response whatsoever. As she got in her car I just said to her, "unbelievable"! Then drove off.

 

A quick background on the abusive guy she is with. She's had 2 abortions with him, the one time he threw her around and banged her head, he hurt her back. Her two brothers found out and on Christmas day two years ago, they knocked on the door, drug him down the stairs, and beat the hay out of him, so bad they put him in the hospital. He sued them and just recently won an $8,000 settlement. Her one brother is extremely successful, and the other has had drug problems. The brother with the problems fell off the bandwagon and was back on drugs when the settlement came down. He was wiped out financially, so the other brother paid his half. She begged him numerous times to drop the suit and he didn't. Due to this whole fiasco, her and her brothers haven't talked since the incident. The parents will have nothing to do with him, due to the abuse, the lawsuit, and the fact that he forced his way into their house when she was watching it for them, and trashed it. The father of her daughter, (God the kid is so good and so well adjusted, she amazes me) doesn't want this guy around his kid either. She did nothing but bad mouth this dirt ball while we were dating. It just stunned me that she went back to that. I could see going back to your ex-husband, or an old boyfriend, but not some guy that throws you around and holds you against your will. Yes he did that to her too.

 

But it's none of my business anymore. I just thought she had more respect for herself than to walk back into something like that willingly. Even though she doesn't want a future with me, it was painful to see someone that you once loved subject herself to that. She has too many emotional scars at this point to ever love, or learn what love really is. She hasn't a clue, and she actually admitted that to me. So now that we've finally blown this relationship up, to the point of no return. I truly hope she never contacts me again, something I've asked her to do in the past. She'll go 3 or 4 months without contact, and then the phone rings when you least expect it, and it's her. I'm tired of being Charlie Brown trying to see if Lucy will really hold the football this time.

 

I gave it everything I had, I'm emotionally exhausted and tired of beating myself up, and letting her use me (also something that she admitted to doing during one of our breakups). She came back twice to me on her own. Now knowing for certain that she is back with the dirt ball, I don't want her anymore. I've lost all respect for her. Her 11 year old daughter saw the abuse from her bedroom! Why she would subject her daughter to that again is mystery beyond all mysteries. Sorry to babble, just had to get some of this off of my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read this.