He Cheated, I'm afraid to confront it. Help!

[Erin1111]

Hi, I am new here but from what I read people here seem to be giving good advice an I could use some of that right now. So a little back ground... I have been with my guy for about 2 years now. Things have been good. We are generalyl very open with each other and share everything. He does sometimes seem a little secretive about his msn messages. I always brushed it off as joking cause he would play it that way. A few months back I saw some messages on our shared computer screen from a girl i hadn't heard of. He brushed it off said she was a coworker but was annoying and he was ignoring her.

 

So to present day... yesterday I was home alone and had to use his computer for something and saw a chat log folder. I was too tempted although I knew it was wrong i looked inside it. I saw that girls name on some chat files so I started reading. After a good hour of reading I came to the conclusion that he may have cheated on me. The messages are so cryptic and take place over the course of about a month and a half in the summer, its hard to be sure if it was just flirting or if somethign happened. It was obvious at the very least there was inappropriate flirting.

 

I confronted him about it, admitting to my snooping and it caused a huge fight. He felt i didn't trust him, he felt really betrayed as he should, what i did was really wrong. Once he got past that he played it off as one sided her liking him. I was waiting for an excuse for all the stuff I read but then I realized he thinks i just saw the last few messages (which were fairly innocent), but i read the whole months communication. He admitted that his secretiveness was the reason i distrusted him and that he shouldn't be like that anymore joking or not. He thinks things are ok with us now.

 

So here I sit, He just thinks I just read a few messages and that i am angry cause she was flirty with him. I dont' know if I have enough evidence of cheating to confront him or if i should just keep my mouth shut. Help!!!

[novaseeker]

It clearly bothers you and is not okay with you, so I would suggest you tell him what you learned and how it makes you feel. The cat is already out of the bag about your 'snooping', so there's no sense in hiding the extent of that any longer ... if it bothers you, you should discuss it with him and find out what really happened.

[RayKay]

Okay, so I don't condone snooping. Sometimes people will just snoop and snoop, trust is destroyed and the relationship too...even if no one was doing anything dishonest in first place...

 

But...you did find some damning information from what you said.

 

One of the best signs someone is "guilty" and maybe cheating...is when they turn on you and blame you for looking in the first place rather than talking it out and telling you how they felt, but also going through things and accepting how you feel...he blamed you for looking and finding evidence.

 

He already knows you were snooping, I bet he went to remove those logs already...but I would confront him about it. You deserve to know the truth.

 

He might deny though, and so you know him best and would need to know him well enough to know if he is being truthful or not.

[Erin1111]

I guess I just want to know if I am reading too much into this! The messages started out with her teasing and joking all the time about liking talking dirty on msn. Then he started telling her they are at work and can't talk like that its wrong. (note he did not say i have gf this is wrong). Nonetheless he tried to call it off. My question is from this message does it sound like they are calling off msn and text messages or something more.. (also what would you assume she means when she is talking about the "mess")

 

[10:08:55] HER So to make sure Is clear, are you calling things off completely? Or just dont want to talk while were at work

[10:31:30] HIM I think it is best to just remain friends.. sorry I don't take any chances with work. Much too important. Hope you understand.. talk to you later

[10:35:04] HER that sucks... I do understand, cuz this job is really important to me too, but that doesnt make it any more fair...

[10:35:07] HER Or any easier to stop the "cravings"

[10:35:09] HER lol

[11:06:22] HER And I just dont see how this has anything to do with work, except for the talking at work... Well, either way. Ill be free all weekend and next week, you might have other "backups" but Im really fussy, So if you change your mind...

[11:09:59] HER And for the record, in case this makes for an easy excuse, I know you acted impressed yesterday, but trust me, I do better

[16:02:29] HER Ok I guess thats your choice... Well, thanks, I had fun... You can always let me know if you change your mind...

[16:03:16] HIM Appreciate you being so nice... just don't want to take any chances...

[16:03:42] HER I understand that, but I just dont understand how this is any of their business, and why I have to "go without" because of them...

[16:04:07] HIM LOL

[16:04:10] HIM your too funny

[16:04:36] HER Easy for you to say after yesterday! lol I barely got started!

[16:04:41] HIM lol

[16:05:18] HER Aww, this sucks, Im still gonna sit hoping you call... All week, so alone... waiting for you come over...

[16:11:53] HER Well, Ill try to restrain from sending you perverted text messages when Im drunk, but your hard to resist!

[16:13:18] HER I should be able to do whatever I want with you... And theres a list... lol

[16:13:36] HIM whats the list?

[16:14:19] HER Well, first of all, I really wasnt impressed with myself yesterday... And had full intentions of practicing to get better...

[16:15:35] HER And plus you jerked me away, only making a mess I would have gladly cleaned up lol

[16:15:51] HER hahaha Im horirble...

[16:18:44] HER Dont quite know what to say to that? lol

[Erin1111]

Oh yes one more thing.... just to complicate matters we just signed a year lease and are moving in together in two weeks.

 

But that aside, i feel like even if he tells me he cheated I don't want to break up with him? Is that wrong? Am I being too easy on him? How do I make sure it doesn't happen again? (I'm not good at being mad, I'm too nice!)

[RayKay]

OH GOOD GOD - YES THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WENT ON!

 

 

You are NOT reading too much into that...sorry, but every word to me just said that something went on...something "messy" and something he liked, but she wanted to "practice" more with. Somehow, I doubt they were talking about paper mache.

[Erin1111]

I needed to hear that. I think part of me really believed I could be exagerating. Talk about a reality check. This sucks.

 

After the month communication I think he told her about me cause she made reference "understanding and not wanting to be in her shoes" I think I am her.

 

Am I crazy for not wanting to kill him! I just love him too much, I can't believe he did this!

 

I find myself making excuses for him, this summer I was a little depressed and was very distant, he commented on how i wasn't affectionate anymore and i blew it off and focused on how i was feeling. I keep thinking i was so cold no wonder when she started flirting with him he liked it. But its still not right..... AHHHHH

 

Is this forgiveable? Will he do it again?

[RayKay]

Oh yes one more thing.... just to complicate matters we just signed a year lease and are moving in together in two weeks.

 

But that aside, i feel like even if he tells me he cheated I don't want to break up with him? Is that wrong? Am I being too easy on him? How do I make sure it doesn't happen again? (I'm not good at being mad, I'm too nice!)

 

I don't know if its WRONG persay, but you have to look at this way...could you ever trust him again? Knowing he betrayed your relationship and love? Don't you think you deserve better than that?

 

It's not about being mad, or being too nice, it's about respecting yourself too.

 

I don't know, maybe he does really regret it, and would crawl through lava to make up for it, or maybe he has done it before, and after, or will blame you...I don't know, and only you know whether you can work through it together or not.

[Erin1111]

Thank you. Talking to someone about this feels good. Its amazing how you're own mid twists things. Someone elses perspective is always good.

 

You're right I need to confront him but how.... I kinda wrote a letter this morning about how I feel. It was addressed to him, i wasn't going to give it to him more of a venting exercise but i think that may be a good way to get my feeligns accross without him being able to interject or make excuses. I thought I would give it to him when I get home.

[babycristy456]

Stop this crap before you decide to move in with him. Do you wonder who she was talking about when she referred to a "backup"? Maybe your boyfriend refers to you that way. If you are suspicious it is obviously for a reason. I hate people that are ignorant to cheating...sorry to be pessimistic but c'mon, there are so many clues its not even funny. Tell him you read EVERyTHING and forgive yourself for snooping, you were suspicious, so you did what you need to do to be informed!

[lunatic]

Hey listen I know it is hard to deal with something that hurts so much. YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW!!!!

 

Please have some respect for yourself and confront him about it. I know for a fact that something happened with that other woman. Sorry hun but, you have to deal with this or you will eventually learn to resent him.

 

Please Please Please dont do it for us do it for YOU!

 

If you think you can forgive him and trust him again then I give you so much credit for being a bigger person than me. I think you should re-evaluate your situation now before you move in with him.

[novaseeker]

I sent you a PM.

 

I think you should confront him with this, and tell him how you feel, and see where he stands on it.

 

To me, it's clear that something physical happened between the two of them based on those excerpts you posted.

[jevonj77]

What are you afraid of? From reading this...he clearly had a good time and sexually...these two were sleeping with each other from what I read. So you don't want to tell him and you hope that it will just go away...well you are only fooling yourself and who knows how many others he has done this with...or how many others he is going to do this with in the future...there is no more trust in your relationship...it has been breached...

 

Look...this guy is not your friend but your ...You decide...be nice to him when you confront him about what you know because you don't want to get into a big argument...

 

Look, just know what you are going to do and do it. I think it would be the best to just tell him straight that you know that he cheated on you...if he goes on, give him the evidence...

[yeawutever]

Positive sure there must be something going on if not, why would he continue writing long messages to her and don't stop. But he might not be cheating, maybe he likes cybering or tlaking dirty, which its quite disrespectful in a relation. And yea confronting him would be ok. If he isn't really cheating but likes talking dirty like that, start setting the boundaries and tell him thats disrespectful. Now if he really indeed went up to the her and cheated, dump him like garbage.

[RayKay]

Positive sure there must be something going on if not, why would he continue writing long messages to her and don't stop. But he might not be cheating, maybe he likes cybering or tlaking dirty, which its quite disrespectful in a relation. And yea confronting him would be ok. If he isn't really cheating but likes talking dirty like that, start setting the boundaries and tell him thats disrespectful. Now if he really indeed went up to the her and cheated, dump him like garbage.

 

I'd say reading the messages from her about the "mess" and about him seeing her again, or coming over....there was physical as well as whatever else cheating and betrayal going on.

[BellaDonna]

Erin1111,

 

All I can say is that something definitely went on. The proof is in the pudding.

 

My opinion is:

 

SAVE YOURSELF. Don't move in. He has cheated on you and I think it would be disasterous for you to continue with this relationship. Don't let an apartment and the excitment of moving in cloud your vision.

 

If it were me- I'd run the other way.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Erin1111]

This is soo sooo hard! I need him to admit it to me to know my true feelings. Right now I just see the him I love. I can't believe this cheating side exists! I am so confused.

 

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice. I know have the confidence I need to confront him. I know its not just in my head. I have a legitament reason to be upset. I can't hide this anymore.

 

I just don't know what my next move is! I am already living at his place. Well i guess its ours I have been there for 6 months. We just made the decision to get a new place together and its too late to get out of the lease. Neither of us can afford it alone, and neither of us have any family or friends in town that can take us in! I know this is all just details but it complicates things. I have no where to run to. If I want to get away tonight which I think I will I will have to get a hotel room and that gets pricey fast! HELP!

[yeawutever]

LET US KNOW WUT HAPPENED AFTER U CONFRONTED HIM, WUT HE SAYED?

[novaseeker]

Can you stay with a friend? Can you stay with a parent? A colleague?

 

If you break the lease, what is your liability? Can you talk to the landlord about needing to get out of the lease? Is there a cost beyond your security deposit.

 

These kind of real world issues always get in the way of a separation or breakup, but you shouldn't let them govern what you need to do, or make you stay in a relationship you don't want to. It can be a pain in the neck to deal with them, but you usually can deal with them, one a time, with effort.

[djedix]

If it smells like a skunk, walks like a skunk

 

It's a skunk.

 

 

Confront him, and do what you must. Do not let him get away with this.

[miracle29]

ERIN111

 

I am begging you to give me simply 30mins... I just printed this out and I'm going to analyze every line then send you something back on it. PLEASE DON'T respond to him until i sent this to you.

 

PLEASE...

[miracle29]

[10:08:55] HER So to make sure Is clear, are you calling things off completely? Or just dont want to talk while were at work

[10:31:30] HIM I think it is best to just remain friends.. sorry I don't take any chances with work. Much too important. Hope you understand.. talk to you later

[10:35:04] HER that sucks... I do understand, cuz this job is really important to me too, but that doesnt make it any more fair...

[10:35:07] HER Or any easier to stop the "cravings"

[10:35:09] HER lol

[11:06:22] HER And I just dont see how this has anything to do with work, except for the talking at work... Well, either way. Ill be free all weekend and next week, you might have other "backups" but Im really fussy, So if you change your mind...

[11:09:59] HER And for the record, in case this makes for an easy excuse, I know you acted impressed yesterday, but trust me, I do better

[16:02:29] HER Ok I guess thats your choice... Well, thanks, I had fun... You can always let me know if you change your mind...

[16:03:16] HIM Appreciate you being so nice... just don't want to take any chances...

[16:03:42] HER I understand that, but I just dont understand how this is any of their business, and why I have to "go without" because of them...

[16:04:07] HIM LOL

[16:04:10] HIM your too funny

[16:04:36] HER Easy for you to say after yesterday! lol I barely got started! [16:04:41] HIM lol

[16:05:18] HER Aww, this sucks, Im still gonna sit hoping you call... All week, so alone... waiting for you come over...

[16:11:53] HER Well, Ill try to restrain from sending you perverted text messages when Im drunk, but your hard to resist!

[16:13:18] HER I should be able to do whatever I want with you... And theres a list... lol

[16:13:36] HIM whats the list?

[16:14:19] HER Well, first of all, I really wasnt impressed with myself yesterday... And had full intentions of practicing to get better...

[16:15:35] HER And plus you jerked me away, only making a mess I would have gladly cleaned up lol

[16:15:51] HER hahaha Im horirble...

[16:18:44] HER Dont quite know what to say to that? lol

 

 

 

Ok, first things first. I have placed in bold the things that can't be denied and the things that you most certainly need to pay much attention to.

 

The first line says "you're calling thing off completely?"

This means she was under the impression that they were on for a date, a scheduled event or something of that sort. There isnt much to explain here because this line is pretty self explanatory!

 

The second line I put in bold is "Or any easier to stop the "cravings"" This line has very direct sexual condentation and shows you just how close these two were. She would not be so bold to say this if intimacy hadn't already occurred. She craves him, sexually. This line says so much, that it hurt me reading it. I could feel your pain along with this...i know this one was probably one you wanted to shove under the rug.

 

The third Line in bold says "Ill be free all weekend and next week, you might have other "backups" but Im really fussy, So if you change your mind.. " This line is also very to the point. There is nothing to guess here. She is under the impression that he is single and that the most he may have had was or is "BACKUPS". Not girlfriends....BACKUPS...also leading to the obvious point that this was simply a sexual fling the two of them were having and she was ok with this as long as she got hers before the "backups".

 

The next line I want to point your attention to is: " I know you acted impressed yesterday, but trust me, I do better" this line here sank his ship so deep in the sea that if you take him back after this confession ...you shouldnt be surprised when he does it again and this time..you wont catch him..he'll be slicker, about it.

 

In this line she is saying "hey I know you thought I threw it on you yesterday , but I'm even better than that." she is also eluding to the fact that he was "impressed with her" sexually". This is the biggest slap in the face of any wife or girlfriend, because its bad enough he cheated, but then to give this floosey a compliment like that, is so insulting and if it was my man, i'd be on FIRE, not to mention his face would also be on FIRE!

 

The next line is just another insult to injury, she says "after yesterday! lol I barely got started!' Wow how bragadocious of her. Truth is, she sounds very insecure, but this sentence is not to be over look. It points the very clear clue that she and he had agreed on a few more ...rolls in the haysack". This one says she want to impress him. What an ego booster for him, a woman throwing herself at him and then bragging about whats to come. (what a cheap and debauched ally cat she is). She seems cheap and that makes him even cheaper for sleeping with her!

 

 

NOW AS IF THAT PART WASNT BAD ENOUGH..THEN HE CONCEDES INTO HER "Fishing for compliment game" and says Ill try to restrain from sending you perverted text messages when Im drunk, but your hard to resist" EXUSE ME???? You couldn't what? Oh hell no. Now he's admitting that she satisfied him....? I would be Irate after reading this and his face would have claw marks, and Lord knows what else I could get my hands on! (but thats just me)

Then he's stoops even lower and goes even further, and says... "Whats the list" Its as if he was going to cut her loose but then she tempted him again, and so now he's game again!

 

Then the last part..which just makes me know that she is more impressed with herself than Dennis Rodman when he married himself .... she says...

And plus you jerked me away, only making a mess I would have gladly cleaned up . I REALLY HATE TO TELL YOU THIS PART. THIS PART MADE MY SKIN CRAWL...I ALMOST WANTED TO CRY. She is admitting to the possiblity that he and she had unproteced sex. YES...read in between the lines. She would have cleaned the semen up..GLADLY. This would have made me so angry, i could not have possibly taken this guy back..no way Jose. And if she is not eluding to unprotected sex then she is still eluding to oral sex or something that would require her to clean up after his spillage. And it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out just what type of spillage she is referring too. He jerked away because he didnt want to a) get her pregnant and get caught or b) orgasm in her mouth.

 

Oh this is horrible!

 

Then the last line....[16:15:51] HER hahaha Im horirble..

 

she knew this was kinky and nasty and she thinks its funny.

 

This girl is cheap, he's a cheater and you would be a complete doormat if you could take him back after this fiasco. I'm sorry but I wouldnt. This is horrible. And if he has unprotected sex with you, then I'd get a test for STD.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but if you move in with him...you will be asking for it. He told on himself..please don't let him do this to you!

[Erin1111]

Ok so I confronted him..... and am just further confused. I asked him if she thought there was something more going on with them, or if there was something more. He got irate at the mere suggestion. Said he would never do that to me. He said that she was EXTREMLY forward and flirty and has been reprimanded at work multiple times for sending inappropriate messages to coworkers. He even showed me an email from a coworker with similar comments about things she had sent him. He then showed me her photo on their company website (yes it was her no question the email address matched that in the conversation log) and not to sound absolutly horrible but she is extremely overweight and very unattractive.

 

I thought everything seemed cut and dry till i saw that photo. I known him a long timel and I know one thing that he can't stand is girls who don't take care of themselves. (he pesters his own sisters for not watching their weight) There is no way he could have been with her like that, if we walked by her in the street he would probably have commented on her (yes not one of his redeeming qualities) But either way it just threw me for a loop. He is very attractive and in shape and i can't see him being with her ESPECIALLY if it was simply sexual which seems to be what the messages imply.

 

I still am uncertain of what that conversation means and would love for him to sit down and explain every word to me still, but for now I have no idea what to think.

[Erin1111]

Right now he seems to be acting really betrayed. He is just sad now, not mad. Sad that I would think that of him. He keeps saying that he knows he was wrong carrying on on messenger with her, (and he apologized for that immediately when i confronted him the first time) But he says it was all a joking online flirting game, that nothing inappropriate ever happened.

 

I read some more of the messages and one of the last ones she implied she was going to stop by his place and he got angry with her saying he told her he didn't want to play these games anymore. And asked her how she found out where he lived. She then said she didn't know she was just joking, hoping he may tell her where he lived. So I know she never came here.

 

He even offered to introduce me to her if I wanted that. He said that would erase any ideas I had in my head.

 

I sound so superficial when I say this but she looks really unkept, almost dirty. I honestly can't see him with her. But if it wasn't for the picture I would still be suspicious. So now I am full of mixed feelings. I think I am going to give him some time to cool off and when he is in a better mood this weekend ask him to explain some of the messages to me cause right now the pieces of this puzzle don't fit! SOOOOO CONFUSED!

[nikki19]

Hi Erin. I'm so sry you're going through this. After reading throught the text message I immediately surmised that your bf HAS cheated on you by allowing this other woman to perform oral sex on him. That was the impression I got. She probably is unattractive, has low self esteem, is looking for love, and aiming to please, and he took full advantage of that. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's plain as day. Listen to what everyone is saying please, because they are right. Of course your bf is going to deny cheating on you, that's what cheaters do! Please don't fall for his bs. Get some self respect and stand up for yourself. You deserve better and deep down you know it. Good luck hun ((hugs))