Need some advice on not rushing things

[Myrddin]

Just reconciled with my ex after a 4 month seperation - we've been together 3 1/2 years but have never lived together. Won't go into detail as to why we parted only to say there were faults on both sides. We talked yesterday and decided that we would give it another go as the feelings between us are as strong as they ever were.

 

The g/f, however, says she still needs time to adjust and asked me not to 'rush her.' We kiss and hug and we're in constant contact throughout the day - she's attending a function with me at the weekend. I tell her I love her whenever i can but so far those words have not been returned to my face.

 

I have no doubts that given time our relationship will return to its former glory, but my dilemma is: how do I give her time and not rush her and at the same time show her that she is the most important person in my life?

[Beec]

I think what you need to find is an on and off switch. Tell her and show ehr that you care for her, then at times be aloof.

 

We go for the people who give us emotional fulfillment, what we want or need emotionally, those who make us feel special, wanted, etc., but we only do it if they also seem independent and aloof, not needy or clingy. Saying "I love you" all the time can make you seem needy or clingy. So, you need to do it, then seem as if you do not care if she also says it, and be otherwise aloof.

 

Good luck.

[Myrddin]

Thanks Beec, but I'm not sure that's the advice I was looking for - sounds a bit like playing mind games to me.

 

It would be nice to get a perspective from maybe a female who's been in the same position as my ex, as I'm a bit at sea when it comes to the female psychi. What is it a girl wants when she says 'don't rush me'?

[Beec]

Is it like playing mind games? Yes. But if you said "I love you" every five minutes, you would seem pretty clingy, right? And would you want someone who was clingy? Doubt it. Would you want someone who seemed insecure? Hope not.

 

Your reaction is understandable, but if she asks for time, then give her time and some space, don't crowd her, and that means you need to be independent or seem to be independent. How would you do that?

 

And as far as game-playing and manipulating, first, I think lots of things can be seen as manipulating. If I give a woman flowers, I am trying to make her feel good, right? So, I am trying to manipulate her feelings. The problem with game-playing or manipulating, if you do it, arises when you do it for the wrong reasons or take it too far.

 

If I manipulate to get her to feel a certain way, and she comes back for more and more, then obviously she wants to feel that way. If she wants to feel that way, and you care for her, shouldn't you want her to feel that way too. To me the answer is yes, with certain exceptions. If you do it to just get some power over her and/or create an abusive situation, then you are not right. If you do it so she feels real love and really loves you for it, then what could be the problem?

[Myrddin]

I guess when you put it like that Beec, you're right.

 

I suppose I'm just a few steps ahead of her emotionally at this point and maybe my expectations are running away with me to some extent. It's easy to forget that people move emotionally at different rates. So yes, you're right - time, space and no pressure must be the key here.

[Southern_Belle]

I just wanted to tell you that you may find jigsaw's post about patience helpful. Good luck!

[Myrddin]

Just wanted to let people out there that are in the early stages of reconciliation know that patience does pay dividends. It's so easy in the headlong rush of getting back together to forget that there are still negative emotions at play, with the fear of everything going pear-shaped again right at the top of the list.

 

My girl and I are now on the right road to recovery and a bright future together but I could easily have blown it in the beginning if I hadn't backed off a little and let her catch up emotionally.

 

I thought I'd share a few lessons that I've learnt in the last few days:

 

1.) Listen actively to what your partner is saying - it's too easy to just hear what you want to hear and miss the important stuff.

 

2.) Avoid pressure of any kind - don't push anything. Don't be too eager to arrange that first romantic date or trip to the bedroom - if you're listening properly, they'll let you know when they're ready.

 

3.) Give space to your partner - this is the hard one to do as all your being is crying out to be with that person again - limited contact at this point gives you and your partner time to work through what's happening between you without there being any pressure on each other. The old adage 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' really does apply here!

 

4.) Give your partner time - don't expect everything to be perfect from the outset - if there's been hurt in the break-up, it's not going to disappear overnight - it takes time to trust again and to start to let down your guard again.

 

5.) Re-assure your partner that you love, care and want them but don't go all gushy and OTT - show them rather than tell them - a nice back rub says more than a 100 'I love you's' in my opinion as long as you don't use it as a prelude to sex!

 

6.) And finally, be honest - with yourself and with your partner.

 

Good luck to all you lovers out there. And remember: if something is meant to be then it will be.

[coooolsome]

How do you know if your ex is ready to reconcile? Do they tell you? Do they start calling you more wanting to hang out? Im curious b/c I just opened up the lines of communication again and I know it will not happen overnight. I also dont know what my ex is thinking and I really don't know. We talked and had a great conversation. I dont think she wants to come back and I am trying to move on but I was just wondering how this process starts.

[Myrddin]

How do you know if your ex is ready to reconcile? Do they tell you? Do they start calling you more wanting to hang out?

 

That's a hard one to answer because every situation is different.

 

In my case I just knew - almost instinctively. I could 'feel' the pull from her - it was as if she was testing the waters with some of the things she'd say. It's difficult to give examples, but I could almost read between the lines of what she was saying - I suppose knowing how your ex thinks helps a lot.

 

I finally took the plunge and asked if she wanted to meet and talk. I thought it important to say 'talk' because it seemed non-threatening - I avoided any other mention of the relationship or our problems or getting back together at this point as well.

 

My gut feelings had been right all along - she jumped at the chance and we ended up talking for 3 solid hours, finally deciding to reconcile. What I didn't do at that meeting was beg, make promises or declare my undying love - I concentrated on acknowledging my own failings and mistakes and what I had learnt from our break-up and separation.

[coooolsome]

So, I have realized some of the mistakes that I made. I have matured a lot in the last 2 months and I would like to have this talk with my ex. However if I ever get to the point where we meet how do you initiate this conversation. How do you talk about what you did wrong without initiating the "us" talk. I want her back but I dont want to say I want you back and this is what I have learned about myself.

 

I want to talk about me. How does one steer the conversation that way or is it just natural. Do I have to wait for her to initiate some sort of "us" topic or can I do it on my own?

[Myrddin]

So, I have realized some of the mistakes that I made. I have matured a lot in the last 2 months and I would like to have this talk with my ex. However if I ever get to the point where we meet how do you initiate this conversation. How do you talk about what you did wrong without initiating the "us" talk. I want her back but I dont want to say I want you back and this is what I have learned about myself.

 

I want to talk about me. How does one steer the conversation that way or is it just natural. Do I have to wait for her to initiate some sort of "us" topic or can I do it on my own?

 

I guess if she's prepared to meet you to talk then I would imagine she will expect there to be discussion about 'us.' If she doesn't want that then she won't be there! I would suggest somewhere public to meet so it's less threatening to her and less likely to get heated if it all goes wrong.

 

If she does agree to meet and talk then how about something along the lines of:

 

"This is hard for me to do but there are some things I need to get off my chest - things I've learnt about myself over the past 2 months."

 

If she doesn't get up and walk away at that point then carry on - tell her what you've learnt about yourself. If she's interested in reconciling she'll meet you half way, believe me.