need some advice on premarital sex.

[trailor22]

hi, first time I have ever done this. Just needed some advice or whatever on this topic. Sorry this is long.

 

I am a male, 22 years old. I have a girlfriend who I love dearly. she is 20 years old now. we met in high school and have been together for about 4 and half years. Naturally, she had made a comment early on in the relationship that she would like to wait to have sex after marriage. Personally I do not agree with this, but by no means am I going to try to change her way of thinking. obviously i am not a religios guy, however neither is she. she says it is what she has been told is the correct way and that is just her belief to wait.

About 3 years ago, we started fooling around. at first it was long kisses and touching. Gradually it became more. then it grew to heavy petting. soon after that we were taking off each others clothes and foolin around a lot. she wanted heavy grinding, however my penis did not enter her at all. ( I say she wanted it, but i know i wanted it too). she really liked the feeling of it and of course so did I. to this day we still fool around like that. some nights different than other. sometimes we have oral sex or we just do alot of heavy petting. just recently however she brought it up again that she wanted to wait to have sex until after marriage. I don't know if she is saying this just because the temptation is getting to much for her. Or she is afraid it will lead to something more. I am not sure. I have tried talking about this with her a few times but she is very shy when it comes to talking about sex or our relationship. she claims that she still wants to do everything we already do, just not all the way. For me as a guy, I am really confused. she sends me mixed signals. i can tell she wants to possibly do "heavy grinding" again, however couldn't that just lead to sex? (the signals are: her taking my pants off, and me taking her pants off). I don't like the idea of putting limitations on how far i can go with sex, especially when i am not sure where those lines are. I certainly don't want to cross that line and her be upset with me. (for example: sometimes she likes for me to touch her down there and sometimes she does not. sometimes she wants her pants off but not her underwear.) The lines changes constantly. i am a little confused because i thought she didnt want to have sex. and sometimes she will actually "freeze up" according to her because she is thinking too much about possibly having sex before marriage. when she "freezes up" she tends to immediately not want to fool around with me anymore. which makes me feel like i am possibly doing something wrong.

Do many girls do this? Do they say they do not want sex until after marriage, but then still want to play? And yes I do plan on marrying her. obviously, i am not going to marry her just so we can have sex. but by her actions could she still be on the fence about premarital sex? or do alot of girls want plenty of action before marriage just not intercourse? any advice on this topic would be great.

[Fisch]

Hiya trailor22,

Many people are taught to wait for marriage before sex. Despite the fact that intercourse no longer means pregnancy (because of contraception) it is still a common value that many people hold to. Women desire sex just as much as men even if they dont express it, i would consider that your girlfriend is struggling with her desire to have intercourse with you and her moral goal. Her moral goal obviously means a lot to her but it seems that with her struggle she sends off a lot of confusing and frustrating signals. I believe that the key here is communication, when she pulls away or freezes up most likely you arent doing anything wrong, its probably because she is fighting her desire to have intercourse as we all know it is a very strong desire, so when she feels that she may not be able to control herself she takes preventative measures. If you can tell her how you feel and more importantly tell her before you fool around that you are going to respect her moral goal, she will probably become less unpredictable. Get her to trust you and make sure that you can handle not doing it because even if she finally breaks she would probably be very upset as you know. If you can handle her terms then great work with her to respect that goal, she seems dedicated to it but controlling sexual lust is a hard thing to do. You are a great guy for respecting her wishes and i wish you luck.

[mairi]

i agree, she is obviously quite confused........im not sure if many girls do this but then again i cant speak 4 most girls and everyone is different. for example, i have an extremely high sex drive, luckily my fiance does to so no problem there, since i lost my virginity over a year ago, i must have had sex a total of 400 times near enough, we do it 5 or 6 times a week. so not everyone is the same. i think u both need time to sit and discuss this and ask her if shes confused, and dont forget to tell her how its making u feel. dont pressure her however, and make it clear ur not just after sex.........im sure she knows shes confusin u but is just to afraid to talk to u incase she scares u away.........she seems a very insecure person but at the same time is struggling to be confident.......this could explain her sudden changes with the boundary lines, one minute shes afraid to do something next moment she mite think, well lets try and push it to see how confident i can be. but trust me u really need to sort this out b4 it gets any worse and u just get more confusesd. how this is any help 2 u....................................................

[Tigris]

I agree with everything Fisch says.

 

She's getting carried away when you're together and then suddenly she realises how close she is to having sex and frightens herself off.

 

I think you should talk to her about it. Get her to open up and then tell her how you feel. Explain that you won't pressure her into doing it. That's the most important thing of all.

 

Good luck.

[DaLostSoul]

obviously she's still confused, she's virgin right? well better wait until she's ready and for her mixe dsignals just try to enjoy those thime sthat she feels like touching and kissing...maybe going far from that requires time and patience

[Day_Walker]

I think there is something in her past that is keeping her from having sex and Im leaning towards some kind of sexual abuse. Her perception of sex seems to be odd. I think that if you want her to decide when she is ready to have sex then thats what you should do. Constantly putting yourself in those "heavy grinding" situations will lead to sex and she knows this and her response to it is what seems strange.

[Fisch]

Day_Walker unless you are licensed to make that kind of diagnostic i would be careful. While we certainly dont know the whole story i dont really see there being a high possibility of her being sexually abused. A good percentage of the population wants to wait until they are married until sex, and most of them react the same way. It is not that they have unhealthy feelings about sex... they just want to wait, and that can cause strain. But the fact that she messes around all the time and pulls away points to that she is trying to hold herself back, and she has a good motive in doing so: waiting for postmarriage sex. Some people are just brought up this way and have it ingrained in their heads.

[chai714]

When I read the original post, I also thought what Day_Walker thought: that she may have been sexually abused. What gets me is this:

 

sometimes she wants her pants off but not her underwear

 

Sex or the mere act of sexual relations seems to make her feel dirty, thus keeping on her clothes might not make her feel as dirty. This is just my guess and I do have experience and a little bit of knowledge regarding the psychology of sexual abuse victims.

 

Either directly or indirectly ask her about her past and find out what you're dealing with.

[Day_Walker]

If you look at the highlights attributed to the fact that her decision is not based on religious reasons, a relevant diagnosis could be sexual abuse. 1.5 years before "fooling around" with her bf on top of them being to gether for 4.5 years and not having gone past oral sex. The issue is hers and I suspect even these facts sexual abuse is a possibility.

[hellogoodbye]

You really should talk her about sex, maybe if you talk about it more she will become less shy about it. The thing thats starnge about her is that shes been with you for years and she trusts you enough to have oral sex but not regular sex. She has odd boundaries.

[Fisch]

Sexual abuse is a possibility and it would certainly be fine to look into it, but do you know what it is like to come so close to intercourse but not have it. Its very difficult and not removing her underwear may be a way of preventing it. Or maybe she was just brought up to be ashamed of certain things. They are all possibilities, its good to be aware of all possibilities but in my view all her motives are explained by her desire to wait for marriage, even if it is a result of shame or shyness about sexuality. Your upbrining can have a very large influence on shame or shyness, so look into all areas.

[trailor22]

Hey, I really do appreciate all the responses I am getting. It is helping me alot, and I definitely am going to try to talk to her again. I am not sure about sexual abuse. Only because i am the only guy she has ever been with. i was her first date, first kiss everything. at first i thought well maybe things are going to fast for her. however is it still considered too fast when we have been together for almost 5 years? maybe something may have happened to her when she was much younger. i am not sure. i could try and hint around to that. I am not sure if it is something i want to just come out and say. Were you sexually abused!

 

And i also wanted to clear up alittle bit on our sex. when i say we have oral sex, she generally only wants to give it to me. now that is great and all but i would love to give oral sex to her more. i have only done it about 4 or 5 times. once again she pushes me away and makes the rest of the night awkward. so for the most part she wont let me do anything to her, but yet she wants to do things to me. honestly, i would rather give up everything she does to me so that i could pleasure her. i am really more curious about her, but she doesnt let me "explore" too often. Maybe that has something to do with why she wants to wait. i am not sure.

But I really do appreciate all the help I am getting. Thanks