I am just HURT by BF's action...

[starrrr]

I love my bf with all my heart...and he says he loves me too. BUT why would he refuse to come see me?

 

Here was the situation and i will try to make it brief. We are 3 hours away and I came into town yesterday to visit my best friend who's jus been away for 3 months. I was only going to spend 12 hours in town since i have class the next day. I told my BF that i will spent half time with best friend and the other half with him. It didn't work out that way. I called him at 6 and told him i was still with my best friends, and i'd call around 9 to see if i can still come over his place.

 

Turns out, i couldn't quite just leave my friends house around 9pm. She lives next door to my house, all our parents were also there, family and friends, my other two best friends and their boyfriends were there also. I couldn't just leave them all behind, so instead I called my BF and invited him to come over...

 

But he refused. I was confused and asked if he was scared or somethin to be around everybody he didn't quite know and i know he'd feel uncomfortable but he said no it wasn't that. He said that I'm the one breaking plans and I need to stick to my stated plans (of comin to his place to see him). Anyways, i dont have a car and i figure it wouldn't be a problem if HE came over instead...I even suggested we can jus chill outside the house if he doesn't want to come inside, but he said no and that i couldn't convince him. He jus kept sayin how he knew this was going to happen, me not sticking to my original plan. He even said I was making excuses when I explained why I couldn't come. So anyway, i didn't want that to ruin my last night with my best friends and told him goodbye and let him go without making any fuss or anything...

 

Then later that night at 1130pm, my best friends volunteered to drop me off at the bus station and wait with me there till i leave. They even told me to call my BF so he can come along and that i will see him for atleast a little while. Reluctantly, i called him and got exactly what i expected...

 

I told him what was goin on and if he wanted to come along, he was hesitant and finally said no because he had work in the morning...i thought it was strange that my best friend's BF was the one dropping me off when i have my OWN bf. It was also strange everyone was asking "oh where's ur bf?" and i'd have to say.."oh he's at home"...."oh okay..."

 

Anyways, i could not help but sound SAD and UPSET over the phone, once he sensed that, i noticed he was sort of getting MAD because I was making him look bad. I already know what he will tell me, he'll say that I put him in that situation just to make him look bad...

 

When really, i just wanted to see him. If he loved me, wouldn't he be crazy about me? Crazy enough to come see me even if its jus a few hours?? And lose maybe a couple of hours of sleep just to see me? My friend had class the next day, i had class the next day, everyone else seemed to be sacrificin somethin...

 

I dont understand.....I love him and I know he loves me, but why is he doin this?

 

I want to feel more connected with him, but it is hard when i feel he is not crazy about me....then he will get mad if i start questionin his feelings for me and will tell me I act too much like a baby......when really i'm really HURT by this...does he not understand that? It is just that I can picture guys, certain ones, who i know would come and see me, but its strange my BF won't...

 

Please help me understand this, and how can i possibly handle this? Why was he being like that??...One issue we have between us is COMMUNICATION, but how can I communicate with him about this?? How i feel? Isn't it common sense that he should've came to see me? And ofcourse i would get upset that I didnt get to see him, and upset at HIM cuz he refused when he had it in his powers to come see me...

 

Now i really don't think i was asking too much.........right? or wrong....

 

Thanks in advance for replies..

[DN]

You said you would spend half the time with your friend and half the time with him. I take it that meant 'alone' time with him. But he may already have been a little upset that you could come to town to see your friend - and sort of fit him in as an afterthought.

 

But he is looking forward to seeing you alone and then you phone him.

 

From his perspective, he might well see what you then said to him as "Well I'm having too much fun with all the folks here to stick to my original plan so why don't you come over here and I will continue socialising with my friend and all the other people here, while you sit there pretending to have a good time. That way, I don't have to feel guilty about not sticking to the original arrangement even though I should know that you will probably be hurt and disappointed."

[Maria1980]

hey.

hum I think you are kinda making a big deal out of this.. I mean it's not a big deal if he donest feel like coming over.. doenst mean he doenst love you.. just means he donest feel like it.. Plus, he probably wanted to spend time alone with you as you told him.. but that didnt happen.. so he dindt feel like running to come and see you..

dont worry.. no big deal.. just try to stick to the plan next time..

Maria

[starrrr]

Yeah I know this really isn't THAT big of a deal, but i decided to come here first and get different opinions before I make my own assumptions and make any hasty decisions or opinions....

 

Thanks for all the replies...I never did look at it as giving us "alone" time.

 

And it wasn't necessarily that I was having too much of a good time with my friends, I jus felt that i shouldn't leave jus like that. I think it might have somethin to do with my upbringing? My mom has these weird things we should do or not do jus out of respect...I felt I was being disrespectful by leaving...jus to have "alone" time with my bf, like it would be sellfish or somethin??

 

I mean i offered that me and him can chill outside if he didn't want to come inside and have "alone" time. That way atleast i was still around and not gone...

 

And well I jus did come into town last weekend just to visit him, and yesterday my best friend jus came into town and I won't be able to see her again till holidays, she just got out of boot camp and would be around for only 13 days. This was the only time i could see her....

 

Even if we weren't able to get alone time, didn't he still want to see me, nevertheless? Did that matter that much that he jus decided not to see me?

 

I arrived home around 1pm then went directly to my friends house to say hello. We chatted for awhile and caught up, please understand this is my BEST FRIEND, she knows we very well like no other..i've known for almost ten years. And then i had to go home, take shower, and spend time with MY own family for a little while. Then went to friends house again (next door) around 430pm so we can hang out some more. Then her, our other best friend, and I decided we'd go to get some coffee like old times and jus catch up. Our other best friend jus got off work, had to get ready, and all that stuff before we left. We didn't leave till around 530pm. Then we went to get coffee and best friends mom called us to come home because they were having a sort of dinner party for my best friend. So we all got back home around 8pm, and we were all hanging out at my friend's house. And i really wanted to see my BF, but again i felt like being disrespectful to my best friend, her parents, my own parents (they don't really like me seeing my BF), if i left the dinner party.

 

SO instead i invited him to come over......This is why i wasn't able to stick to my plans...unforeseen circumstances....I thought he would UNDERSTAND...

 

This past weekend i've been stressed, and was not able to come earlier to town because of other RESPONSIBILITIES that i could not get out of....ive been traveling around, not getting much sleep, etc...

 

 

 

I was just suggesting a possibility. He was not an afterthought, I couldn't see how else to see him "alone." Unless i just left everyone, but as i said i felt that would've been "disrespectful", is that weird and stupid to feel that way??

[Meow18]

You are thinking that if he loved you he should want to spend a couple of hours with you. However, maybe he's thinking, if you loved him you would have stuck to your original plans.

 

He never told you that he would go over there. Not even from the beginning, so I don't think you should think that the right thing for him to do would be to have gone over there.

 

You changed the plans on him. You kept calling him and changing the time you would be able to see him. Why should you be mad at him?? All he did was not want to go over to a house he never originally planned on going to so late because he had to work.

 

I think you need to think about this a lot more. I don't understand why you are mad at him. He was just sticking to your original plans. It's not like he ditched you.

[Meow18]

Put yourself in his position.

 

Let's just say his best friend was home and he went to visit him, but he also had plans with you later. And he called once to say he would be a little later. You might understand that right? I mean, you do know it's his best friend and he hasn't seen him in a long time.

 

But then let's just say he called you again to say he would be even later than that. And then again to ask you to go over there. How would that make you feel? Wouldn't you think that if he loved you, he should want to stick with the original plans, or at least go over to see you?

 

You say that it would have been disrespectful if you left your friends. However, don't you think it's a little disrespectful to expect your boyfriend to be ok with you changing plans at the last minute and then for you to get mad when he doesn't want to do what you want him to?

[Tigris]

It was respect for your elders that got you into this mess in the first place. However, like me it is due to the way you were brought up.

 

You tried to please everyone and that never works. It's obvious that you wanted to spend some quality time with your boyfriend but the circumstances changed throughout the day.

 

Your boyfriend would've probably understood if you'd changed the arrangements only once, but you continued to do so. I think he was partly jealous and also 'licking his wounds' or sulking. The latter is usually what my husband does.

 

I suggest that next time you don't make arrangements to see more than one person in a day. That way you can't get into any trouble.

 

Good luck and take care.

[starrrr]

Well, i guess i thought he would've understood the rush of it all for me that day and expected him to help me out...sort of do it as a team and we both try to accomplish seeing each other. I did call him throughout the day letting him know what i was doing and what was going on.

 

I told him why I couldn't leave. What happened to us both trying to accomplish a similar goal, seeing each other? Does it really matter the means...

 

I guess i'm sort of naive to think that if we both loved each other the means wouldn't matter...and that we both would like to see each other and sacrifice what we can for each other. It if was the other way around, I would've gone to see him. The way I've been communicating with him was very thoughtful, i called him often letting him know he was on my mind and that i was lookin forward to seein him.

 

But again, i jus felt as bein disrespectful for leaving, and i thought he would understand that and would help me out by instead him coming over...and lessen my stress of planning on how to go to his place because

1) i dont have a car

2) my parents would get upset that i left to see him when they think that my BF should come to see me, they believe the man comes to the women, not the other way around...thats how i was brought up and

3) i'd have to come up with a lie to leave so they wont get upset but then they would try to contact me to make sure i'm home soon enough so i can make it to the bus station on time

4) i dont want to have to lie

5) i could always make him drop me off to the bus station which is wat i wanted so we could stay out late but my dad did not want that

6) everyone (the parents, my own and family friends) would think its strange that I have to LEAVE my friends house just to SEE HIM like why do we have to be ALONE when he can jus come over...

 

There's jus a lot of factors...and I figured him jus comin over would've jus made things easier...i thought he'd understand that i do not have bad intentions, that i really just wanted to see him but it got out of my own control...

 

I guess it was jus wishful planning when i planned of spending half time with him and with her...I told him that so he won't make any plans that night if there was a possibility that we can see each other. When i told him my original plan i really thought it would work, but i didn't realize my friend was havin a dinner party at her house that i just couldn't leave. There was jus some unforeseen circumstances and possibilities i left out, is that not common?

 

 

I didn't realize that people cant make bad judgement and mistakes and that they can't be forgiven......

 

but instead jus given more a hard time? So instead i'm punished for not sticking to my original word.....

 

But yeah that was jus the way i was thinking it, but thanks for the replies and for givin me a different perspective....and how he possibly have seen it. I understand, it was jus i really thought of it differently...its strange how two people can really look at the same situation really differently..

 

Anyways i've talked to him, and we're fine..it really isn't that big of a deal but i was jus seein if what i thought made sense or if i was jus crazy for thinking the way i was thinking......

[Meow18]

Is he upset and hurt by your actions too?

 

You should just talk to your boyfriend.. He wasn't a jerk in my opinion. Maybe he was just tired and wanted to go to bed. He did have to wake up early. If you won't try to be understanding of his actions, how can you expect him to try to understand yours?

[Maria1980]

humm I think that you should call your boyfriend and have a serious talk with him.. I mean by talking you will resolve the problem.. hope it works out

[starrrr]

I just want to say thank you all for takin the time to read my lONNGG entry and for replyin, i really appreciate. It stopped me from jumpin to assumptions and making a bigger deal than it really is...I was just realllyyy hurt and just kept thinkin how could he do that...but u guys pointed out a different perspective, and yea i do understand it more now.

 

I definitely always try to be understanding that's why i turned here first...But we did talk already actually and it was fine...I expressed how i felt hurt and everything else, apologized for not sticking to original plan, and he said he didn't think it would hurt me..he says he didn't mean to...

 

And now, well we've moved on, and we're back to being great. Thanks again!!

[Meow18]

I'm glad to hear things are ok and I'm glad we could help!