Conflicted

[ezila]

A friend of my husband's has been going through a really rough divorce... basically, his best friend - another friend of my husband's - hooked up with this guy's wife. They are now living together, but this friend has been through the wringer...

 

It's been 2 years now since this bomb initially dropped; our friend has not gotten back into the dating scene, is still really bitter, and still has a hard time dealing with all of this - especially sharing his kids with the other guy.

 

I love this friend, and I want to be supportive - but at the same time, I want to tell him to just get over it, it's been long enough.

 

He's practically been living here when he doesn't have his kids - and even sometimes he's here with his kids. I love seeing him, and them, but sometimes it feels like too much.

 

How long do you stay in the supportive role with a friend like this? At what point do you tell him, "Just get over it and move on!"? Is there any getting over something like this?

[DN]

You and your husband should work together on this - a sort of 'intervention'.

 

Be very kind and supportive. Tell him you know how hard this is for him and that you can see how much he was hurt. But, for his own good, he has to start afresh and get on with his life. Encourage him to join social groups where he can meet people - or a support group for recently divorced people.

 

Once he gets a new girlfriend, the problem of his being around your place so much will instantly go away, so you don't need to bring that up.

[novaseeker]

Eh ... he doesnt need a new girlfriend to recover from his divorce. And in my own personal experience one of the worst things is to talk with other divorced people because all they do is talk about how bitter they are about their own divorces! Yuck!

 

What I would suggest is that your H has a man-to-man chat with him about needing to pick himself up a bit and focus on his own personal life, beyond the kids. It really DOES suck what his ex-wife did to him, but at the same time he does need to move on, it's been long enough. Maybe your H can suggest activities to get involved in, groups, hobbies, activities ... just fun stuff to get involved in, to begin wading into life again. The more he wades back into the stream of life, the easier it will be for him to navigate the emotions of his post-divorce. Yes, it sucks when you get divorced with kids and one of the spouses has totally betrayed the other like it sounds here because you can't just shut that person out of your life, it's not an option that's on the table because of the kids, so one way or another you have to find it within yourself to move forward, to manage yourself, for the benefit of your kids. Maybe your H can point that out to him: that he can't really be as effective a father if he is filled with bitterness and not living life and enjoying life ... even if he doesnt feel like doing it for himself yet, he should do it for his kids, so that by becoming healed and more balanced he can parent them better.