G/F won't tell ex about me.....

[netman]

Me and my g/f have been going together for almost a year, we love each other, I'm getting over my jealousy and trust issues from being burned in the past, and everything's going great, but there's just one problem. Before me and her hooked up, she was in a long term relationship with this guy for about 5 years. They even had plans to get married and stuff. They had a very argumentative relationship with poor communication and everything. They used to break up, get back together, break up, get back, and you get the point.

 

Anyhow, he signed up to the Navy and before he left she broke up with him again. So when me and her hooked up she was kind of on the rebound and she told me the whole scoop of what happened between her and him. It's been a few months that we've told each other we love each other and stuff, and we get closer and closer by the day, but he still calls her from overseas at least once a week and he writes her e-mails telling her about how he misses her and how they're going to get back together when he gets back. Since she's very open and honest with me, I try to be understanding and not flip out, but I'm upset that as close as we are, she doesn't want to tell him about us. She wants to wait until he comes back, which is towards the end of this summer.

 

She says that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings since he's alone overseas, but I tried to tell her that it seems that she's more concerned with his feelings then with mine. She says that I should trust her, but I don't know. I trust her and I believe that she truly loves me, but I feel like she should tell him ASAP so that he doesn't come back with the hope in his eyes that they're going to get back together. I think it's worst on him making him wait all this time just to tell him the news. She says that she tells him that they're not going to be together and yadda, yadda, yadda, but my point is that they've broken up so many times that those words don't mean anything to him. I've been very close to giving her an ultimatum to tell him about us or I'd leave, but then she throws in my face that if I trusted her this shouldn't be an issue. What should I do? SHOULD I give her an ultimatum? It's bothers me more and more everyday, and I'm slowly forcing myself to pull away because of this. Should I "let her go, and if it was meant to be she'll come back?"

[Evilphil]

Sounds like she has no idea what she wants. Or worse, she does know, and it's to gratify only herself. Sorry to hear it. That's a tough gig.

[bzborow1]

There are so many 'possible' theories on why she's doing this. She could genuinely care about his feelings and want to let him know in person that she's moved on. She could be stringing him along because she likes the attention. She could be waiting for him to come back to test her feelings. She could be trying to keep her options open. But in the end it really doesn't matter what her motives are, you need to do what's best for you.

 

You mentioned that she throws the trust issue in your face when you mention the situation, and I think that's just a smoke screen. The issue is not one of trust, the issue is of respect. If she really feels the way she does for you and respects you, hiding your relationship shouldn't be an issue.

 

Does she spend most of her time worrying about how other people think of her? I used to date someone like that, someone who thinks playing a charade is better for the guy...but as men, we know this amounts to leading a man on...as men, we respect honesty in a woman, even if we don't like it. What I mean is, if it REALLY is over between the two, she should just tell him and make it easier...the stuff about hurting his feelings is BS.

 

I'm not sure what i'm getting at with all this, perhaps nothing more then just obvservations and ramblings. You should, however, do what's best for you. As for the altimatum, I think you're wording it wrong. Don't attack her with the issue. Just tell her that her hiding your relationship from other people makes you feel like the relationship isn't as serious to her as it is to you...and maybe if you need it...just tell her that you're not sure if you can go on like that...but don't outright take my advice...do what's best for YOU.

 

That's my two cents.

[Heretic]

You're right about on thing. This is a trust issue.

 

Not you and her but her and him.

 

If she values trust so much why is she lying to this ex of hers overseas? Does she not realize how upset he's going to be when he finds you she's been hiding things from him?

 

You're approaching it the wrong way. Tell her you're concerned about his feelings and you don't want trouble when he gets back over her not telling him. It is her right to not tell him about you but if she's really doing it not to hurt him she's not thinking clearly. Let her know if you were overseas you'd want the truth, not just a bunch of lies, as when you finally get the truth you'd feel very betrayed.

 

This should help to put things in perspective.

[netman]

These are really good replies. Should I tell her about how this is pushing me away? She knows that it bothers me, but I never put it to her that way. Would that help or hurt the situation?

[brandos lovechild]

I'm gonna tell you the god's honest truth. If this girl was madly in love with you,she would tell her old fella that she's got you now !! I don't care what anyone else on this forum says,trying to sugarcoat the truth...i promise you this,she'll continue writing him,then one day they'll meet and have a big romantic reunion and you'll be dumped. MARK MY WORDS !! She isn't confused,she is using you. Throwing all that " trust " BS in your face just shows she has zero integrity .. she throws it in your face cos she is scared that you will find her out,you will discover her intentions. I SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND : you tell her she has to pull the plug on her ex or you 2 are over ! FOR F UCKS SAKE..SHE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO HIM ANYWAY if she respected you ! GIVE HER THAT ULTIMATUM SERIOUSLY BRO..OR SHE JUST AINT WORTH IT. Good luck 8)

[bzborow1]

To be honest the last post is very correct. You need to give her some sort of altimatum. Ask yourself why she isn't telling him about you? I dated a girl once, I had a problem with her seeing her ex (he always hit on her)...she told me, "do you want me to not talk to him anymore? Cuz if you don't I won't."

 

If she wants you...she'll say something to that effect. But at the same time I would recommend you give her an altimatum in a mature fashion. That is to say, don't yell at her...just tell her how you feel, and tell her... "i NEED this from you"

[Heretic]

Should I tell her about how this is pushing me away?

 

I feel you've already addressed that it's time to take it from a different angle. You have to understand whether she tells him or not is her decision and you should respect that. However your concerns are valid and that's why you should address them, just in a round about way.

 

Try not to be jealous of her ex, if she sees that you are she will respect you less and him more. You're basically saying : he's got something I don't have and I don't want you to find out that I'm less a man then he is.

 

I know that's not what you're feeling or even thinking, but that's what she's getting from it.

 

I hope this clarifies.

[Guest]

Ultimatums only turn out bad, so dont do that. Tell her she needs to tell him about you two, hell she owes it to you after a year of dating. What difference does it make if he is overseas or not? We are all on this same planet. If she is not telling him that she is with you, that in my book is cheating on you. For all you know she is secretly writing him and only letting you see the ones she wants you to see. Dont give her an ultimatum, but tell her to tell him about you two. If she doesn't, end the relationship on a resentful note and see what she does. That will tell you if she wants to be with you or him. And if she decides you, dont take her back till you know he knows. Just my 2cp

[brandos lovechild]

Relationships are hard enough as it is without her pulling this crap on the poor guy ! TO THE GUY CONCERNED...you are being too soft and accepting on this gf of yours !! I can't quite believe that you are putting up with this from her.You are truly unique because i have not met one self-respecting guy in my lifetime who would tolerate what you have had to...i don't know whether you are to be commended or pitied bro. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO SAYS " don't act jealous...if you love her,you'd trust her..... understand where she is coming from !". I CAN'T BELIEVE someone said don't act jealous cos it'll be a turn-off for her...i nearly p issed myself laughing at that one. HOW ABOUT DON'T ACT LIKE A PUSHOVER,IT WILL BE A TURN-OFF FOR HER !!! Surely that makes more sense. I'm sorry dude, but the only guys i know that have ever been cheated on...were pushovers, and if you don't straighten your lady out,that's what you are in danger of becoming. GOOD LUCK 8)

 

 

P.S About the " straighten your lady out " bit, i realise that sounds like a quote from ' the shining'...i just mean stop acting like she is so wonderful and u need to put up with crap to keep her... adjust your personality so that she needs to prove that she is worthy of you. I'M OUTTE

[netman]

Wow, all this advise is a wake up call to me. What am I thinking? Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't put me first?

 

I do trust her, and I try every day to show that I trust her, but it's definitely not about trust but about respect. Somehow, I'm going to find a way to tell her this weekend. I don't want to give her an ultimatum, but I think that the next time she says I love you and she says something about why I don't say it back, I'll tell her that I'm not feeling it because of the situation. In other words, I think I'll show that my affection level towards her will suffer until she does tell him about us. You guys think this is the right thing to do?

[brandos lovechild]

yeah definitely. I've got a feeling that you told her you loved her early on in the relationship,and you tell her quite often that you love her. That needs to stop NOW bro. Everytime you say it,she will believe further that you are banked ( you'll be hers, no matter how she acts ) and that she can continue to display her low integrity by writing her ex. CUT OUT THE I LOVE YOU'S...if she says i love you , just say " yeah, i should think so too" or " are you talking to me ( in ya best De Niro accent) ". IF IT WERE ME : I'd say " tell him your goodbyes,you are with me now". If she refuses,no need to dump her and miss out on all that nookie..just spend less time with her at weekends and more with your buddies looking for other girls to hook up with. Don't think that it would be immoral of you..look at it as "two can play at that game". If she agrees to stop,go with the flow..but if you catch her writing him again,look for another woman...bcos that would make her a liar and a cheat ! GOOD LUCK 8)

[netman]

Reading back at what I posted, I definitely sounded like a major woos but I woke up from that and I was very firm about not being happy and possibly ending the relationship.

 

To make a long story short, she FINALLY told him about us last night. And she was like, "I was surprised. He cried a little, but at the end he took it like a man." That's what I've been trying to tell her all this time!!! The guy is not a little boy and that he's going to move on and get over this.

 

Now I feel weird because I thought I'd be happy once she told him but I'm not; almost the opposite. Maybe I'm feeling resentment towards her for taking so long to tell him. I'm trying to be positive about this, but it's kind of hard right now. Should I just be happy that she did it, move on and be happy or should I have one last argument about this? We definitely do have a good relationship, and she does treat me like a king, but at the same time I really want to get this off my chest with her, about taking so damn long to tell him.

[Heretic]

I'm glad that she finally told him, for your sake. I'm also sorry to hear you're still feeling upset about it.

 

Are you sure telling her will make you feel better? I mean it should be obvious to her considering how much you hounded her about it that it bothers you. Honestly what good could it do? The next times she has an ex and she's going out with you she'll tell him about you ASAP? This situation will NEVER arise again. You're just feeling ancy because you got what you wanted and you want more of it.

 

Pick another fight let this one go.