Questions Regarding NC (No Contact)

[Mstyiyd]

I have been implementing NC with my ex g/f since Sept. 1. We had to talk over the summer several times to settle up some bills, etc. You can read my previous posts to get the story.

 

Been doing very well with the NC. I have not called her once since 9/1, nor have I heard from her. She (41 yrs old) told a relative that she did miss me, didnt want to be in a rel. right now but would "get around" to calling me. Wow, the flattery I felt....haha.

 

Trying to move on w/my life, keeping busy and doing the best I can. I still think about her all the time, wonder how she is doing, wonder if she misses me, etc etc ....all the stuff we dumpees wonder about. I know that is fairly normal. The NC is for me 100%......but as I read the different forums & other people's stories I do wonder.....is it wrong to still wonder if they will come back to you? I don't know what I would do if that happened....part of me thinks about that even though you're not supposed to. See, she doesn't know that I still cry alot and am very depressed secretly when I'm not at work, socializing w/friends.....does doing NC "show" the other person anything, even though that isn't supposed to matter since we're to be doing this to better ourselves? Do we look stronger, more secure?

I feel I have done well with my own self-control in not calling her (I have want to BADLY at times but I won't!). I just wonder what the other person, the dumper, typically feels or how they view someone doing the NC.

She is obviously doing it to; I initiated it. She wanted us to be close friends as we were before we became involved; I told her I am not friends with ex-anythings bec. I can't emotionally handle that. It sucks!

 

What do people think about this aspect of NC?

[Bethany]

I think that yes NC does show the other person how strong you are as long as you are staying away to heal and moving on with your life like you are.

Questions are bound to go over in your head and so is the need to phone, it's normal.

But try to change the thought patterns and try to think ahead because one day you WILL look back and remember how good you did, and the pain will fade, you will smile inside again and when you see a pretty girl walk down your street, life will look mighty fine and so will the girl. So just give yourself some more time.

[DamagedGoods]

Mstyiyd,

 

I also have been doing nc for a while -- about a month and am having a very hard time with it. I think about him ALL the time - even more than I did when I was with him. I pretty much beg God every day to send him back to me. Everything reminds me of him, and I feel like I lost the best thing I ever had and ever will have. I feel so jealous when people on this forum talk about still having contact with their ex. At least that shows that their ex still has SOME feeelings for them and that there's SOME hope of salvaging the relationship. I just feel like my bf couldn't wait to get rid of me and is so relieved that I'm gone. I just still CANNOT believe it. What's wrong with me?!?!?!?

 

Anyway, contratulations on maintaining the nc. Even though it is super, super hard, I do believe it's the best option for both getting someone back and getting over someone. I think crying a lot is just fine and feeling depressed is normal. You should also be proud of yourself for getting out there with friends and being able to put on a happy face. Eventually it will be for real.

 

The friends thing works for some people. I think it's a lot easier when both people fall out of love compared to when it's really clear who dumped who. I personally cannot imagine being friends with my ex. The very thought of seeing him would probably put me over the edge.

 

I agree with Bethany that nc does show that you're stronger but more importantly it shows that you're not a doormat and won't come begging back for more. If they truly want to try and work things out the very, very, VERY least, they should be able to do is contact us and ask for that. Their wanting to be friends is their attempt to get the good stuff that they got from us without being "stuck with us." Ultimately, they think they can do better. As much as that hurts, it's almost always the bottom line.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best. I think you're doing great and will continue to get better. Hang in there and keep us posted.

 

DamagedGoods

[Mstyiyd]

Thank you, for your replies. It put a smile on my face when I finished reading, because even though I continue the NC, I still feel very alone alot of the time and for a minute there, I didn't!

I am sorry about your situation w/your ex b/f. But you sound SO much better of a person than he was....easy for me to say that when you know your history w/this man, but still!......so I'd like to kick back the support to you that you will heal and find someone who appreciates what you have to offer.

I know I will survive this, and that there is someone out there that will respect me as a person in a relationship someday. I think with the NC concept, if the dumper doesnt call the dumpee first, it shows that the dumper WANTS the contact even if it doesn't mean they "want you" back? That is what I think....don't think that's accurate in every situation but def. some. You can't read into everything the other person does/doesn't do....

I will turn 30 later this month and I do not expect acknowledgement from her. Seriously....I really don't bec. I did not call her for her b-day at the end of August. I wrote about that in another post. I just wonder if she will ever call me.....i think if she does it will be after my b-day because she is the type to think that I will read into the call and "assume" she likes me or is back together. And why do I CARE?

Do the dumpers care what we are up to even if the dumpee initiated the NC? again, why do I care?????

Sigh.

The world is full of bizarre, isn't it? I wish I had a good quote to put in here!

[Mstyiyd]

In regards to being someone's "doormat", I think I fell into that role somehow with my ex. When she and I became intimate, it was not long after she had ended a 9yr relationship. She was cheated on in this rel. for almost the entire time. We had been friends for a couple yrs before this.

I don't think that to this day she is over her ex. She does not want to be back w/her and has had NC w/her but I don't think she is over all the damage that person inflicted. Which I understand; grief is different for every person.

She told me that I was just a rebound (for a yr----do rebounds last that long?) and she was "vulnerable". Sorry, but I don't believe that a person no matter how hurt they are have no control over what they're doing for that long amount of time? It does take two, but still. Her ex left her for a variety of reasons, and partly bec. she had been ill for several yrs and then got cancer. I stayed with her throughout all of the cancer part. I was very caring and supportive. But, I've always treated people the same. I didn't start treating her like that bec. we were sleeping together. And she knows she can trust me more than the bar friends she pals around with most of the time.

I wonder if me doing the NC is seen as a rejecting thing to her, like what all these other women had done to her over the yrs (that she did allow, however)? She prob. did not expect me to initiate NC since I was always there. It just got to the point where I was giving it all, in the relationship part and the friendship part. She wanted to live the single life and have me at home waiting. I miss her alot, and miss the friendship as well, but I think right now NC needs to stay indefinitely.

I also try to put into perspective her behavior since having the cancer. Sometimes NC seems cruel, but in the long run, you have only yourself who can take care of you.

[polaris]

I echo your sentiments entirely. I've also done no contact for over a month, and I wonder everyday if it's really the right thing to be doing, which makes it tens times harder.

 

No contact is so often offered here and elsewhere as the great panacea, that is somehow good for everyone who's been dumped irrespective of their individual circumstances and the particular people involved, but I have a real hard time believing that.

 

My ex, for example, who I'm currently doing no contact with, has someone she calls her best friend (as was, at least), that she says she loves, but hasn't contacted for a long time. Why? Because she's afraid he'll reject her if she approaches him, so even though she misses him, she won't initiate contact. She didn't initiate contact with her previous ex's either, even though she missed them. Is it *really* realistic in these circumstances to expect her to contact me at *any* point? It wouldn't seem so from her record, and yet still people say if she loves you, she'll contact you, and you should never make the first move. I just don't get it.

 

If both parties took the "I'm going to look strong by not contacting them" approach, surely there would never be reconciliation, ever?! In my case, she also said she wanted to remain friends, and I should come back when I'm ready to do that, after I'm over her. Again, that says that it's up to me to re-establish contact, and this permanent no contact approach that seems to always be advocated doesn't really make sense.

 

So yes, I feel the same doubts. Is no contact simply sending the message "I don't want anything more to do with you", and if so, is that really the message that we want to be sending? I wish I knew the answer. But I do know that no-contact-fixes-everything-for-everyone-forever-more is just plain nonsense.

[Mstyiyd]

Thanks your input. Someone should teach a course on NC, I swear! Like I said before, my personal reason for initiating and sticking with NC is because my ex g/f told me that I was a rebound after the 9yr rel. she was in ended...and we had been very good friends for a while prior. So there's all that history. Then going thru the cancer with her.....it's been alot of pain and joy at the same time.

Things were growing distant between us for a while before the NC thing came into play. The whole time we were doing "whatever" she always said we were friends. We never were officially "together"...I just say my ex bec. we all but were. I just got tired of whatever we were being in no man's land.....no official status. I didn't get how she claimed to have no feelings for me, yet we did everything as though we were a couple. I tried to not pressure her because she has been through so much, and it became all about her over time. None of my needs were being met in any way, and when i tried to talk w/her about that, all she would say was "what it comes down to is you want me and i don't want you" or "i was vulnerable, you know where we stand?"....things like that. Yet this is a woman who does not sleep around and it wasn't about another person w/us. She wanted to be single for a while, party, live it up, whatever.....but liked the benefits of what I had to offer, a stable person. And you can't have it both ways. I guess I stuck around bec. we had a history and seemed to care for each other. I initiated the NC, I dont think she knew what i was doing or why. I still talk with some of her family members, as i got close to them. I hope she knows I care about her, Im sure she does, but I need comfort in my life,too. And I was pretty hurt and devasted at the end. I mean, how many times did she think I needed to hear her tell me how much she didn't want me? I got the hint the first time. Yet, she continued to stay with me, hang out with me, come to me first for all the comfort and companionship she needed. I would think she should have a void in her life too. Only diff is she parties and can bury those feelings and I don't know how to as I wear my emotions on my sleeve. And, yes, I take respons. because I allowed it to go on, but I really cared for her. There's not alot of people out there who will be sensitive to the fact she had a double mastectomy in terms of the whole intimacy thing. I wonder how she's doing physically, i think she is ok but this is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I am more aware of all of it.

---Back to the original thought/post, the NC is how I am keeping sane. It is better this way than to be around her only as a friend. She is very complex and i still don't get the whole friend vs. lover thing. But I can't look at her with all our history and view her simply as a 'friend' like i used to or how i view my other friends. Intimacy changes everything.

[novaseeker]

But I can't look at her with all our history and view her simply as a 'friend' like i used to or how i view my other friends. Intimacy changes everything.

 

And that's the thing about being 'friends' again. It's hard to do it, it's hard to close Pandora's Box once it's been opened. Some people are better at it, they can compartmentalize that aspect of the relationship, cart it off, and store it away in some musty closet somewhere, but if you are more integrated than that, it's very hard to pick up the friendship strand after a significant intimate relationship with someone fails for whatever reason. Don't get stressed about it, or think you have to treat her as a friend or anything ... if you can't, you can't. Nothing wrong with that. Accept that this is how you're made, emotionally, and move forward.

[Juha]

I have not had a problem being a friend in past relaitionships but this time it is different....

 

I tried at first but could not do it as she means more than anyone ever has or ever will to me....

[Mstyiyd]

See, Juha, that is how I feel. I miss her so much but right now I can't look at her like all that history isn't there. I feel a little better this morning because I talked w/one of her relatives whom I stay in close touch with. We talk mostly about our lives, I haven't talked much to her about this but my ex and I were around her so much that she knows. She is like a grandmother/mother to me. Today, she said that she was in my ex's bedroom recently and saw a photo of the two of us up in there.

I'm not reading into that, but I can't say that didn't make me feel good! It doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I did feel a little happier than I have in recent days.

I got some good words of encouragement from her so I feel more empowered right now. That feeling may fade in a few days, but Im holding onto it for now. She told me to keep up my NC and that my ex will probably call me sooner or later, and possibly when she has a few drinks in her to get up the nerve.

But I am not stopping my life or the NC waiting on this. I still get worked up in my head about stuff. And I do miss the companionship. Its hard when you dont have that anymore, esp. with someone you knew so well and vice versa.

Kudos to those out there who CAN be friends with an ex. My emotions won't allow it. It sucks but if i want friends i should go out and make them. If they didn't want to be with you why should you permit a friendship to go on, when there is mixed emotions and usually one person wants more than the other? I am still learning NC 101

[juls28]

this is tough....

I don't know really. I am in the same boat though. sometimes it feels like just not calling is better than the unexpected.....you know? I want to call to. I had to change my number because my ex kept calling (even though he didn't want to get back together).

I feel that not calling is working for me right now and just because I feel the initial benefits of it (confidence,control, peace) I can't just go back. at least not for a while . a month is a long time without contact.....give yourself a little more time ,though. you may be on the brink of something wonderful. something you'll find out about yourself....

good luck

[Mstyiyd]

Thanks, Juls28. I think what has made me personally stick to my NC is that for once I feel like I'm in control of something with this (now ex) relationship. I understand that my ex had been in a 9 yr LTR that ended right before us, and that the timing probably sucked, and I accept my part in it.

However, I feel that it defies logic to sleep w/someone you claim to have absolutely no feelings for other than a "good friend", yet claim you don't sleep around (which I know she doesn't and hasn't since our mess really came to a head in June) and you claim you have to have feelings to even be intimate w/someone. It was like, she wondered why I had feelings for her when she kept telling me flat out how much she didn't want me!

She is not somebody I can figure out in the least. It was alot of back and forth, hot & cold stuff and I tried to be respectful of all that. Even when I didnt call for her b-day in August, she was really pissed about it. Yet if I had, I believe she would have taken that as I wanted her and just didn't get the hint. D--- if you do, D----if you don't. Women!!!

BTW, I'm not a control freak by nature, just didn't want to be a doormat anymore. I allowed it to go way to long. But I still miss her alot.

We shall see what the future holds. I will be 30 on the 23rd and am trying to be positve for myself and my future. I've worked really hard to make my life be what it is today, and I hope that success translates over to my personal life as well.

[jenny_mcs]

Mstyiyd-

 

You sound like a very caring person and I'm really sorry you are going through this. I really think NC is the right way to go in this situation. It seems like you weren't getting what you wanted/needed from the beginning. You stood by your ex through a terrible time, and that shows your strength of character. Believe me, people do not forget about these things.

 

The benefits of NC are that 1) they allow you to start picking up the pieces, which will go much more quickly if you are not talking to her and 2) gives you the distance to evaluate the relationship, and what would need to change, if she ever did want to come back.

 

It sounds like you got very little emotionally from your exgf . I bet you already have a less clouded picture of how things really were. If she ever does want to come back, having this distance will allow you to tell her what you really need and want in a relationship, instead of accepting crumbs. And if she doesn't ever come back, believe me, you will be further along than if you had been talking to her for months under the guise of "friends". Good luck, you sound like a great person who deserves a great relationship!

[Mstyiyd]

Jenny, thanks so much for your input. Everyone has been great with my post! What gets me through the NC is trying to keep busy and surround myself with positive people. I don't like bars because of the superficiality of that whole scene. And that is what my ex is drawn to mostly. That could be her way of dealing with what she went thru w/her LTR and the way that woman treated her for 9yrs. I felt like my ex took out alot of her anger & sadness & all the other stuff on me because I was around, and I guess, I allowed it. It wasn't like that all the time, we actually rarely fought. I don't like to fight anyway, who does, but I'm not the type who gets off on that. Having had a deep friendship w/someone before getting involved puts things on a WHOLE new level. I also don't think it's a good idea to hook up w/friends bec. of stuff like this......if u do, you better be pretty careful.

I have no regrets here. You can't live life without going thru hard times. I know I have learned from this and will keep learning. I guess the rejection part is hard because I don't get it. If she ever should call me, I I would talk to her, or at least hear what she had to say. The situation would never go back to what it was because I won't allow that. And I know we would have to get to know each other again before we could develop anything......see, there's alot of "what if's" that come from this that I need not be worrying or wondering about right now. One step at a time. Makes me wonder what the higher powers have in store for me....for all of us, actually.

I really like these boards. Free therapy from peers, how cool!

[Juha]

Mstyiyd

 

My ex has one of the teddy bears in bed with her that she sleeps with...

 

I can't figure that one out....Have the bear there but don't want me around..

 

Boggles my mind....

[Mstyiyd]

Hey Juha......maybe it's because the bear has your scent still on it?

LOL......maybe our exes should get together and talk! I'd love to be on a 3rd part line for that one! LOL.........

 

I think when exes do things like this and we find out about it inadvertently......to me, I guess it sounds like a security thing. I cannot understand that concept of thinking, because I am very much the kind of person who thinks, If I like you and you care about me, let's try this and figure it out together. I don't get off on pushing people away, playing games, and such. Wastes too much time and is DRAMA!

So it is hard for me to get this type of behavior.

My ex to my knowledge is not dating anyone or has slept w/anyone. She kept claiming for months she didn't want to be w/ANYONE, simply wanted to not have to answer to someone and just do her own thing. Which is fine, as long as you are NOT involving a 3rd party (such as myself) for when you want certain needs met but don't want to meet theirs.

 

Why keep my pic up and not pics of her with her bar friends? That's who she pretty much is around most of the time now anyways....(don't know if she even has any of pics of those chicks). I guess it doesn't matter but it makes my brain tick. Is anyone else out there familiar with this, that maybe down the road you heard about from an ex's relative or something?

Why do the dumpees still keep memorabilia of exes around? I mean, we're all human, most people even if they are dumpers are usually not EVIL, there may be some residual feelings but still.........if that other person is adamant they don't want to be with you, for whatever reason.....why would they keep a picture of you up in their bedroom .......or sleep with a teddy bear you gave them?

***sometimes i still look at pics of us, but I don't have them up in my house now. They are in their frames, I put them in a wooden chest I have so they are not in plain sight anymore.****

[Katelyn55655]

I haven't been on this website in over a year. I'm in a healthy relationship now but we're having some issues right now and bottom line is, my guy has never married nor had a serious long-term relationship. Lately I feel him pulling away so I'm going through some feelings of loss and mourning even though we haven't broken up and it doesn't feel like we will any time soon. I'm just not sure he could ever get married and ultimately, that's what I want to do again some day.

 

So now you're wondering why I'm writing. Here's the deal. Some people suggest that NC means more than just not communicating. It means getting rid of everything and anything that reminds you of your ex. I think that's pretty extreem and most people can't do it but in my last relationship it helped. I put all his memoribilia in a pile, had a little grieving party, cried my eyes out, then got rid of it all. Burned it up. Keeping things around is a way of maintaining contact .

 

Here's the other thing. In order to grieve and completely heal you must allow yourself to go through all 5 of the main stages and most of the side stages of grieving. The main stages are denial, anger, despair, denial, and finally, acceptance. The side stages include things like gratitude, longing (the worst), and feeling the love you once felt. Running away from your feelings only prolongs the feelings.

 

So where ever you are in the process is fine. They say, just don't get bogged down too long in any one stage. Somehow, reading your posts is comforting right now.

[Mstyiyd]

I don't know exactly what stage of grieving I'm in. I think I feel all of the emotions during a 7 day week at some point. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't but yet I really know, sometimes I am angry, bitter, or sad and sometimes I miss her very much.

NC for me had to be the only way. I definitely feel stronger in some ways, but still lonely alot of the time and I like my life to be nice and stable (don't we all!) and so much is up in the air right now. I know how much control I DON'T have, so I'm trying to just go with the flow. I guess it will all work out how it's supposed to. It would be nice to meet someone normal! LOL........

I just wanted to know people's thoughts on the NC theory. And why the dumpers keep momentos up of their dumpees when they do not want to be with them anymore. It seems a little weird to me. Even if they still "care" for you as a friend in their minds/hearts, wouldn't you just put those things away so you can move on, esp. if you initiated the breakup?