When is it too late

[jenniferlh]

I loved my boyfriend so much. But there were problems from the very beginning. I always wanted to have a close relationship with him. I was so blinded by my love for him that I accepted that he did not return the love. In fact I accepted alot for the sake of love.

 

It wasn't like his was really bad to me, but it was like I gave him the cake with icing and he gave me the leftover crumbs. He was very selfish and I allowed it.

 

I convinced myself that it was okay that we were not married even though I really wanted to be and he knew this. I could have accepted not having the legal paper, but we didn't even live like married people. It was always mine and his, never ours.

 

I never felt secure in the relationship because I never knew if and when he would leave me. One day he would say "Don't worry we'll get married" and the next day say "You don't want to marry me". He let me know that he was commitment phobic.

 

When I would complain about things, his response was "If you are not happy then just leave". Or if I expressed my feelings about the lack of love, he gave me the excuse that he came from a non-loving family and it was hard for him to express his feelings.

 

He liked living the life of a single person with all the benefits of having a wonderful girlfriend waiting at home for home. Again I allowed it. He would go out drinking and come home drunk or golfing all day long and come home drunk.

 

The past 2 years have been the worst. I was turning 30 and re-evaluating my life and began to become depressed about alot of things; mainly our relationship. He was so unhappy all the time because he was turning 50 and having problems with it; on top of not knowing what to do about our relationship.

 

In November we bought a house together. In my mind I thought we are finally going to become a "we" and "us". I was happy until he told me that this house "will make us or break us". He did it because we needed to "poop or get off the pot". Again I was feeling so unhappy.

 

Then in April I met the new guy and it was like the heavens opened up. He was amazing. Just the way he looked at me was unreal. It was like I was starving for years and he was the food. I fell for him right away. By June I could no longer stay at home. The new guy gave me the encouragement I needed to leave. I only separated from the boyfriend. I did not completely break it off from him.

 

Here is the boyfriends story: When I left. all of the sudden now he wanted to get married and have a family and didn't want to live the "single" life anymore. All of the sudden I was the most important person in the world to him. And begged me to give him another chance. He never dreamed I would ever leave him. Since I've been away he says that he now realizes what he wants and what is important to him. This experience has been a huge eye opener. He says he knows he took my love for granted and that he was selfish. That since he didn't know what he wanted for his life he couldn't fully show me his love. But now that I am what he truly wants, he can show me what I mean to him. He wants me to give him a second chance to show me he has changed.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I give him a second chance and risk losing the person who already is showing me what I want? Or just let go ( which will be hard) and move on with my life.

 

PS: the boyfriend does not know about the new guy.

 

Thank you so much for listening.

[Derek]

Go with the new guy...

 

Once the old guy has you under his wing again, he'll take you for granted again.

 

You are young, take a risk on the young guy. Think of that song, "when you have the choice to dance or sit out, I hope you dance..."

 

The old guy is the one without options anymore.

 

 

[HajiMaji]

My gut agrees with derek. What feels right to you?

 

I suspect on one hand you feel very happy your boyfriend wants you back. Are those happy feelings because you are gaining SOMETHING back that you wanted for so long or is it because your boyfriend is truly an amazing person? We all feel a great desire for what we cant have, but in reality its usually not worth it anyway.

 

It sounds like you like the new guy but are just going to have to get over the old one. Yes you may have feelings still there, but i think they are from the past, not because hes an awesome partner. If the new guy respects you and you respect him, I say roll with him for a while.

[NotMyself]

I say leave the old guy alone. You had problems in your relationship and you chose to live in his house while seeing this other person for two months. Then you separated? I wouldn't be thrilled to have you back after finding that out. If you were unhappy, you should have left before you had your backup plan. That would have been the fair thing to do.

 

Why separate? Just in case the new guy doesn't work out and you can then go back and try to work things out with the ex? Leave him alone.

[Hope75]

What do YOU want to do? How much time have you invested in the new guy? Do you love him?

 

What are your feelings for the old guy?

[Beec]

I think you need to evaluate each of these guys on his own basis.

 

With the guy you have been with, clearly there is a large emotional attachment. You love him, and once you removed yourself, it was like the floor fell out from under him and the only way to stop falling was for him to get you back. To go bakc in it will require will power, because you will need to be strong and lots of forgiveness, because his changes will not occur overnight. They may occur, but then he will slide back a little, and you need to notice and mkae it an issue. He needs to know the limits, like that one night out is ok, but not two in a row and he needs to ask. And the limits must be enforced. But at the same time, you cannot bring up what he did two years ago all the time, that needs to be in the past and forgiven, provided he means what he says.

 

The new guy, well, you hardly say anything. It seems you were starving for male attention and got some. OK. What else is there?

[Itsok]

Sorry darling, I wouldn't give the old guy the time of day. My ex pulled this once too, where he was all sorry and promised he would get married to me and everything. We got back together, and I stayed another 2 years waiting.

 

Of course, he was abusive, but still. If a man hasn't asked you to marry him and says he is commitment phobic, that means they won't marry you. Every man who says he is commitment phobic will one day be married to someone else.

 

Also, you weren't happy, and that much of an age gap is not healthy anyway. Go with the new. If it was meant to be with the old guy, it would have been right the first time.

[jenniferlh]

The new guy is wonderful. He is the most caring, honest, loving and giving person I ever met. Our relationship is not a physical one, though we are intimate. I never felt the love or caring or concern from my boyfriend as I do from this guy. We are good friends too. This is all so new to me, because my relationship with my boyfriend has always been one sided. I just can't believe that my relationship with my boyfriend is coming to an end. It's so hard for me to believe it will be over. After 10 years, it's hard.

[Aussiechelle]

10 years is a long time yes, but why take second best? I too have known women and men who have left their partners after being treated and the same thing happened - once they were back, the old ways began again. I was treated badly in the past and left and the guy came begging...by then I had found a caring man and there was no way I wanted the old guy back.

 

It sounds to me like you have found a caring man who is doing the right thing by you. Do the right thing for yourself...choose to be happy. If it doesn't work out at least you will have experienced the love that you always desired. If it does work even better!!

[xtine]

Make sure that you're over the old guy and the old relationship before you move on to this new guy. I'm a "new girl" who showed someone what a real relationship could be, who showed them how it was to really be in love. He told me he wished he had met me years ago, that I was what he'd been looking for when he "settled" for his wife. He wanted me to be around for a long time, saw a future with me, the whole works.

 

The problem is he's still not over his marriage and hasn't come to terms with the idea that something he committed to didn't work out. So now, a year later, he's told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I've gone from the best thing that even happened to him and the person he couldn't get enough of to someone he doesn't even want to talk to, and it's devastating.

 

I'm not saying you don't have real feelings for the new guy- I'm sure you do, just be careful with his heart.

[Juha]

It seems you put alot into this relationship and did it all for him and nothing for you.....He did not care about you and took you for granted...

 

Seeing ho w youfeel about him and like the new guy why not do for yourself and be a little selfish....Date the new guy and see if the old one has really changed at all...

 

Do for you now........

[BillyJean714]

Derek always usually gives great advice. I'd go with the new guy. Your boyfriend is just telling you something that you want to hear. Where are his actions? Where is the engagement ring? Where is the set date for the wedding? It's ALL TALK for now!

 

I've been in situations like yours in the past. Several of times! I get so sick of it! I got really fed up with hearing, "Honey, things will change this time around. I promise, I will try to be a little (less or more) _______ torwards you." Really, if you think about it, it's pure crap. Wouldn't it make sense that if this person truly cared for us, they wouldn't do things that hurt us/push us away? And, if they truly loved us that much, they wouldn't mistreat us, regardless, because they RESPECT us enough to not take us for granted.

 

My advice is to go with the new guy, only if you like him back the same. Also, if you do end up together with him, take it slow. You don't want him to end up being the rebound guy, because it wouldn't be fair for him. Make sure that when you're with him, your feelings for your soon-to-be ex are completely over. Anyway, enjoy the new guy, because running into people who can look deeply into our eyes and really care about us is TRULY hard to find. People are too selfish to truly love each other these days! Sometimes, when they do think that they love us, it's usually the fact that they're infatuated and are in lust, instead of being in love. Anyway, enough of my ranting. I wish you the BEST of luck. Whatever you do, don't end up jaded like me! lol. Take care!-Billy