What do I do now

[KB]

My bpd husband is in one of his moods. He shoots in a pool leage twice a week and I normally play tennis on those days. He came to watch me play for a couple minutes before he went to pool and asked me to come watch him when I finished. He knows that I don't like to go and watch him. That is what he likes to do and I'm fine with it. But I don't have to be with him all the time. Now he isn't talking to me because he says that what he has to say will make me mad. First of all how does he know that it will make me mad? That would be my decision to make. Maybe he likes this auful mood. This weekend we had a great time together and for no reason at all he went moody. I finally got him to tell me what was wrong. He told me he was jealous of the dog.....Why do they get jealous over seemingly nothing? He does play tennis with me 3 times a week and its a lot of fun, but this doesn't mean I have to go to some bar, stay up too late and drink too much...Maybe I should go with him...in the past its after one of these nights that I fine myself with an abusive monster. Any suggestions? :

[PartlySunny]

My bf is BPD too. They typically don't think about what would make you mad or what wouldn't.

 

I have found A LOT of support on BPDcentral...

 

link removed

 

They have a great forum!

[PartlySunny]

Actually, I wanted to ask, are you talking borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder? I was referring to borderline. It sounds to me like he's borderline.

[KB]

he is borderline...all the way. I hate these mood swings

[Hope75]

Does he physically abuse you?

[KB]

Yes, he has beat me up several times. The last time I had him arrested and I had no commucations with him for three weeks. The only reason I did start talking to him was because he finally went to the dr for his dark moods. They don't him on depression medication (cybolis?) He has been on it for about 6 weeks. However his dark mood yesterday turned even darker last night after he had several beers. He started yelling that I didn't care about his needs. He said all sorts of nasty things. I only told him that I wouldn't have this conversation with him while he was in this mood. He got mad and left.....only to return about 30 minutes later. But he did calm down and went to sleep. I have read stop walking on egg shells, and I go to my theripist two a months, but nothing seems to help me deal with him when he is in this mood. I feel like I live with an over emotional toddler. He either loves me to death or hates me. This just drives me crazy and I try to remind myself that he doesn't mean what he is saying and he doesn't like him moods either.

[Hope75]

This seems a very dangerous situation. Have you considered counseling? You should not have to walk on eggshells in your marriage, nor should you have to live in fear of his violent and unpredictable mood swings.

[sorryJason]

I am or at least was on the other side of this situation, so maybe I can give you some insight. I may be bpd, I really don't know, and if me posting here bothers you please let me know and I will stop. I am just posting to let you know some things that may help you. There is a book "why does he do that" can't remember the author, but you should be able to find it by the title. It is a good book, but you should take it with a grain of salt, somethings in the book contradict each other, but it is still somewhat helpful.

 

The best thing to do is to give your husband consequences to his actions. I personally think that people use a lot of different "syndromes" or "disorders" as an excuse to get away with things, yes there are some people out there that actually have serious mental problems, but I have been diagnosed with many different things by many different people, and you know what? Just like you husband, I had to learn how to GROW UP! Now that I am on the road to fixing myself, all my other (syndromes, etc) are going away! It isn't going to be easy for him, and I don't think it should be, if he really wants to change, which it doesn't sound like he does, it will be hard. Until he wants to change you should leave him, or at least give him some serious consquences. It sounds like this guy doesn't really get it, I mean if being in jail, is not a big enough consequence, maybe nothing will.

 

It sounds like maybe things are starting to get worse, these things seem to go in cycles, make a plan for your safety, just in case. Always make sure you feel safe. If you continue to feel like you are walking on egg shells, you should leave. If you don't you may end up getting panic disorders, etc, due to being under that stress all the time.

 

You shouldn't have to deal with him when he is in these moods, he should deal with himself. Yes it is good that he is leaving when he is in a bad mood,(anger mangement technique)but you shouldn't have to live your life in fear or with all this stress.

 

I know most of this might seem weird coming from the person on the other side of the situation, but it took work for me to come to these realizations, and as part of my fixing myself process, I am trying to help people that have been abused, and abusers get help. If your husband really wants to get better it won't be easy and he will have to work very hard for a very long time.

 

Hope I helped a little.

[PartlySunny]

Yes yes yes!!!!! I have read MANY books on the subject, and that one is the BEST! I also participate on a forum for verbal abuse, and we all agree that is the best book out there.

 

It's called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." by Lundy Bancroft.

 

Please go get it.. you will TOTALLY understand so much!!

 

I wish you the best.

[KB]

I like to hear what people with bpd think of my situation, so feel free to continue posing.

 

I'm having a hard time right now and I'm starting to feel like I have a problem. Last night he rubbed my feet and than he expected sex...when he didn't get what he wanted he got pissed off. He told me that I always get what I want, but he never gets anything he wants. I never asked him to rub my feet and if I had known that it came with a price tag....I wouldn't have let him to it. Today he thinks our life is terrible and that we need to sell the house. I feel like he doesn't want to be happy. He likes being sad. Do bpd people need to be emotionaly stimuated all the time or is that just him. I just get sick of dealing with his emotional needs. Help....I love him, but this is becoming work.

[KB]

I like to hear what people with bpd think of my situation, so feel free to continue posing.

 

I'm having a hard time right now and I'm starting to feel like I have a problem. Last night he rubbed my feet and than he expected sex...when he didn't get what he wanted he got pissed off. He told me that I always get what I want, but he never gets anything he wants. I never asked him to rub my feet and if I had known that it came with a price tag....I wouldn't have let him to it. Today he thinks our life is terrible and that we need to sell the house. I feel like he doesn't want to be happy. He likes being sad. Do bpd people need to be emotionaly stimuated all the time or is that just him. I just get sick of dealing with his emotional needs. Help....I love him, but this is becoming work.

[KB]

How often do I have to deal with his emotional side. He is like a girl. This morning my friend came over so we could play tennis. He got jealious that I wasn't spending time with him....this is Monday and I spent all weekend with him....I only played for about one hour...when I got home...he wouldn't talk to me. When I finelly got him to open up before I left for work. He told me he didn't want to upset me. I'm already upset. I get sick of his bpd and the rollacoaster ride that takes place every 3 days. He is soooooooooooooooo needy and now he is'nt going to work because he is soooooooooooo upset. I just told him before I left that I loved me and than walked out. Does it ever stop/

[sorryJason]

Hello KB,

 

Just thought I should update as I saw something in Sunday about BPD, it was on Larry King live, I don't know if it was a rerun or not, but he had Linda Hamilton on it and she was talking about how she battled BPD for 20 years before being able to live with it, so there is hope, you just have to be willing to work at it for a long time. I think it just took her a long time to be diagnosed or something, I wasn't able to watch the whole thing, but she had a lot of important things to say about BDP.

 

She gave a website link removed or something, which might be a start for your partner, if he really wants to get better. I think I have said this before, but your partner must be really motivated if he really wants to get better, he will have to manage it on a day to day basis, I know for me, going to the gym regularly, good sleep habits, and a good diet are all must, if any of these are lacking, I know I would have real hard time dealing with my feelings, I think I probably have BPD, but have not been diagnosed with it.

 

I think you have to make him understand how it feels to be you, everyday, to be on this emotional rollercoaster, when my (now)ex would try that I would be receptive(at least some of the time) and try to understand what she was going through with me. Again, consequences! I know you shouldn't have to give him consequences like he is a child, but that is how he is(I was) acting. Some people never grow up, and they need a kick in the pants to grow up, I know I did! or at least I am starting to grow up finally! Hopefully if you kick him in the pants, he might start to grow up and be a man.

[PartlySunny]

It's funny that you mentioned he's like a girl - that you constantly had to hear his emotional stuff. Mine was like that too. He'd go on for hours and hours about his hurt feelings. He'd be jealous if I spent ANY time away from him.. even if we were at home, and I was reading!!! He was very dependent and clingy, emotional, needy. The site I mentioned earlier has a good forum for partners of BPDs.. check it out...

 

link removed

[KB]

I should know better by now. Today I'm so sick of him. I have been living with Mr. Depressed. Everyday I've listened to another new issue. Why can't he just be happy. Its like he loves to have issues, about me all the time. I'm hate to brake it to him, but I'm a good person. I'm the one who loves him. I guess I'm getting to a point where I'm tried of listening to it. How much do I have to take. We see a marrage counsler once a week. Why can't we talk about his issue than. Why is everyday a counsling session. Can anyone give me another reason to put up with his behavior other than the fact that I love him. I'm afraid that isn't enough anymore. There has to be more to life than not knowing what I've done to cause another problem. I've gotten where I'm tuning him out. I can't wait for him to leave or fall asleep. Just let the nagging end. Today is my day off and I will enjoy myself. That will be an issue for him later. He is so strange. Why does he not see what is staring him in the face. A wife who loves him. What really bothers me is that today I've let it get under my skin. He took his depression and gave it to me. Only because I let him. I understand that and now I'm letting it go. I hate this and I deserve better. I'm not sure therpy will even help at this point. I think I'm him and his issues. Lord help me for not being able to cope with him.