Where do you draw the lines?

[SDgirl1234]

I was wondering where you draw the lines with a friendship from the opposite sex when you're involved in a relationship?

 

How much time spent together with that person is too much time?

When do you think boundries are crossed and feelings start to get hurt?

 

My BF and i (of 2yrs) have come accross this exact problem. He has found a new "lady friend" that I feel he's spending way too much time with (yes im jealous, but feeling left out bc we dont live in the same area anymore so she's with him and talks to him more than i ever do) we've fought and talked about this a few times and i thought we came to a compromise, but i guess not. we both agreed though tonight that another boy/girl should never come between our relationship, but he also told me that he'd have to think about what he should do (even though he knows im really hurt about how much time he spends with her and what he tells her too). i know if i were in his shoes i'd only have to think about what to do in a split second... keep the gf and be friends with this girl at school and maybe at lunch once a week..

 

MAYBE IM GOING CRAZY, but im hurting and im not sure what to do bc we are not agreeing on things! I'd greatly appreciate your advice thanks guys

[annie24]

I remember you posted a few days ago that you were upset that your bf wasn't contacting you very much, not as much as you liked, and he wouldn't change to your cell phone carrier so you two can have more free phone time. That plus this.... I think it's a really bad omen. It sounds like this girl may turn into a "local gf".

 

I would think long and hard if this is a guy you want to stay with...

 

PS - How old are you guys? I think I remember you saying that you both just started at different colleges....

[jevonj77]

Yes...you have to ask yourself as to how this relationship would be in the future going at this rate...he doesn't seem to be working hard enough to make this relationship to work better...believe me...I think he is using her as a sort of girlfriend over there...of course he most likely doesn't say that to her or even to himself...but I think that in the back of his mind he knows...

 

Look...if something is very important to my girlfriend...I have to change...after we have debated about it...it is nessesary for me to change if logically we have come to the conclusion that this is the best thing for us to do. You said that the two of you came to this conclusion, but that now he has suddenly gone back on the both of your decisions without consulting with you...I can understand on a non significant issue how he wouldn't have to tell you everything and such...but this one seems to be going against the very core of what a relationship is...I think that would mean that it is important...

 

Let him know what you think again...and demand a change...I think that you owe it to yourself...

[SDgirl1234]

In responding to the first reply, i'm 19 and my bf is 20... yeah we're young, but we seem so perfect for each other.. or we did.

 

im scared of what he'll say to me when he decides what to do with me and his "lady friend"... cuz what if he says that he still wants to hang out with her all the time. part of me wishes i could give him a taste of his own medicine.. but im smarter than that, and i find it kind of an immature thing to do. so what would i do you know?

 

and responding to annie24 again.. when you talk about a local gf, i kind of feel the same way. he says he wouldnt hook up with her and i believe him (for the most part) but i really feel like im being replaced during the times we're not together physically. he tells her everything he tells me but he still refuses to agree that shes taking my place (but why would he agree.. i dont know)

 

and jevonj77.. i appreciate your advice too, espically coming from a guy with a gf. kudos to you and respecting your lady when something is really impt to her. so im asking you, what do u feel is an appropriate friendship/relationship with the opposite sex when you have a SO thats not living near you?

[novaseeker]

I think it's very tricky.

 

The real problem is that because he is spending all that time with her in front of his face in real life, he is sharing a lot with her and talking with her and enjoying her company, even if nothing physical/sexual happens, there still could develop an emotional bond that could be an issue for your relationship with him at some stage.

 

It's a fine line between being jealous, on the one hand, and genuinely concerned about the impact on your relationship, on the other. Where exactly is that line? I would say it depends on the circumstances, but in situations where the third party is getting significantly more attention from him than you are, you have every right to be concerned and not be called 'jealous'. He should be sharing things with you first. He should be reserving things to share with you. He should be focused on you first. That may be hard for him because of the distance and the phone calling issue you mentioned elsewhere, but the danger here is that given those hurdles, if he is seeking that same kind of closeness with someone locally it could be a bad sign.

 

One thing about LDRs: both people have to be very committed to the LDR and not to let local things take place that are inconsistent with it. Not everyone is capable of doing that. Self-knowledge in this area is a good thing.

 

I wish you well.

[annie24]

So, did you two just recently move away to separate colleges (that's why I asked the age question). I remember when I started college, and then grad school, lots of people break up in the first few months once the relationship becomes long distance.

 

It pretty much starts off with the distance, and then a person starts spending a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex, and communication becomes scarce.... It's just a bad bad sign.

 

Nova is right - not everyone can do long distance. Some people need to have their partner within walking distance. And some people don't.

 

How often do you two see each other? SD and Orange County aren't that far away. Try to shoot for every weekend....