Men as friends - making a mess

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey all!

I need somewhere to write this stuff down. Dont' think there's any advice but I'll take any you can think of.

 

I dont know where to begin. After my ex and I broke up 5 months ago I've been gradually getting myself back up together. Part of this process involved seeing some people who were my best friends 4 years back and we all immediatley clicked again and have been hanging out religiously for a few weeks now.

 

However, the primary problem is that they are all guys I went to school with. Great, and fun, but now the two guys who stopped wanting to hang out with me 4 years ago cos they liked me and didn't like me being with my (now) ex are now turning on the pressure again. They are both best friends but quite happily trying to get in my 'pants' to coin a phrase. I've explained that I don't want anything with them - and then I let my guard down when drunk and kissed one of them - thus setting off a whole chain of events whereby I have to keep saying 'I can't be serious' and he acts like it's fine but i know it isn't really because it equates to leading him on and is driving a wedge between all three of us being friends, and I can tell he really likes me but I just can't see it happening - I don't want it to happen.

 

I worry that it is my ex issues that are stopping me being able to be with this guy I keep kissing when drunk. I don't find him REALLY attractive though and he is great, but none of the things that I want in a boyfriend - it may sound cruel and that's why I worry that I have issues about needing someone more intelligent, or different looking - and that that is because I am still not ready after the ex or that it IS just the case I don't like this guy enough. But regardless I feel deflated and devestated today.

 

Everyone takes stuff with such a pinch of salt - oh just be with him - but I just want friends. I can't cope with the idea of being soley one person's partner anymore (or maybe I could if he was the right one?)and after various catastrophes to my confidence these last few months I can't face the idea of having sex with anyone yet. As I become more and more sober I start to feel really self-conscious, in fact when kissing him I feel trapped inside my own thoughts - it's like polite kissing.

 

Then today my closest oldest friend moved away to a place 2 hours away. I ruined our night because I dragged us from one club all the way to another to see this guy I'm now wishing I'd never gone near. And i miss my mate so much and he won't even know that now because i hardly saw him last night. He's such a dear friend, had depression too, and hasn't had a girlfriend in years because he doesn't seem to be able to face it - like i am now, and he's gone....and he had to put up with all the angry poutings of the two best friends vying for my attention with one another.

 

I have only had 1 hours sleep so maybe it's that. Maybe it's drinking as much as I have been recently - it always used to aggravate my depression, so it would make sense. But I feel totally crippled. I'm scared of my last year at uni, I'm scared I will never find love, I'm scared of who are my real friends and wondering just how many will come and go. I can't stop crying - and I was like this last weekend. I'm in a total state. I feel so low and so lonely and so helpless. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they are all involved.

 

Am I depressed? Am I just getting the typical nearly finished with education fears of getting a job? Am I ever going to just be normal?

What do I even want? I just want to be happy, and I was doing so well until these last few weeks and then it's all gone downhill...kissing this bloke making me feel pressured?

 

My issues with depression have always been with regards to feeling like i have no real friends - that's why im worried it's coming back again. Why do I worry when i know so many people and they think im fun and chilled and they chat to me, but im so tired of being me at the moment.

God I want my friend not to have moved away.

[apollocreed71]

From what I can see no offense, but you are lost. YOU ars saying you do not want a relationship, but you take a male friend club hopping to meet some other guy. In your mind somewhere, you want to be in a relationship, or you just want to have some sexual experiences with attracitve men. It appears that the friend you are leading on is not that attractive. I hate this senario, because women always cry out for a good man, yet they allways chase the bad guy, or model type. Hey, you did say u dragge ur bud around to meet some guy at a club. As for you past relationship, who broke up with who? If he was not him, then you need to ask yourself why you broke up? If he was the one to break, u should get a straight answer from him. If you broke up with him, for any reasons besides cheating, or abuse, u should ask yourself a few question. do you know how to communicate in a relationship? Hey, all relationships are good at first, and none of them are perfect. It is learning how to communicate, adapt, and compromise will you then only be able to keep a relationship going, or you will find yourself in short meaningless relationships, and you will be in the same situation you are in now. However, at the rate you are going, and if sex becomes a habit, you risk, pregnancies, diseases, and whatever else comes along. Do not string, your supposed friend alone. Hey, I consider alcohol the true truth serum, cause it lets you do what you want to do. Alcohol did not force u to kiss ur friend, deep down you have some kind of feelings for him. remember allthough you were under the influence, I am pretty sure you could have kissed any number of men around where you were. Stop lying to yourself, and do not use alcohol for an excuse. as I am sure it did not knock on your door, hold you down, the ram itself down your throat.

You need to take time to find yourself. And get some female friends, it is hard to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, especially with alcohol involved, and to add on top of that relationship problems.

[salmonhead_uk]

Ok, very harsh - but very fair.

Except for a few points - I have not had sex with any of these people, I never have done a one night stand and dont ever intend to.

Next - it wasn't just me and my friend that I club hopped for another guy - there were 5 of us in one club and the rest of the 'group' in the other - i pushed to go to the other club because I knew the guy I liked was there but i certainly didn't force my friend who was leaving to stand around alone while i went off acting the harpy!

My past relationship I was very much in love with him, and after 2 years he cheated and then broke up with me (i was so desperate to be with him I would have carried on going with it)...it's still not properly subsided and I haven't had contact in 5 months now because it serves only to hurt me.

Alcohol is not an excuse for kissing that guy you are right. What I think it is is that I wouldn't kiss any of my other male friends because I know how much they like me and that it would mess them up and I dont' want to be some kind of tease of lose them, BUT with B (the friend at the club we ended up in) I dont' feel I will stand to lose much if it all goes wrong. I'm not fearful it will lead into anything serious. So I'm playing at it aren't i? And that's wrong of me. Hence writing here - i know I seriously need to stop messing my head and other peoples heads around....

but i am because im lonely i guess. And i keep wanting to just be me for a while but all the world ever talks about is finding men and it wears me down. I do have a couple of female friends - and I find them just as confusing...always on the hunt for love never just chilling.

It's hard. But I appreciate that I've started drinking more regularly as an excuse to be off my face for a while and it's playing havoc with me.

[apollocreed71]

Well he cheated, good reason to leave the relationship. but remember your friend has feelings too. you lead him one, he is probably hoping he is the shoulder you will cry on. i never said you had sex. but from experience alcohol and the opposite sex will often result in a sexual act, weather agreed upon or not. And the alcohol will be the excuse. Obviously from your statement, B is supposedly your friend, and then you go to say you do not stand to loose much if all goes wrong. that there tells me he is not your friend, but just there to give you attention. If you believe in karma, then one day you will be after some guy, that is not going to be into you, and lead you own. Not being harsh, but for some strange reason wrong actions will be returned to you, if you bestow them on someone. If you really look at it, B like you to some degree, he did have a kiss with you. Pretty easy to push someone back, or turn your head. I know it can be tough i divorced 2 years ago, and the alcohol does not make the pain go away, or make things better. sit down and make a list of what your dream guy is like, then make a list of all the problems that are associated with all those good traits. then make a list of a guy that would be acceptable to you, but not perfect. Then list all the good things/ problems associated with it. Then make a list of what a honest good hearted guy woud be like, probably not like the perfect guy. The write down the things that would be so bad about him.

Everybody wants a perfect mate, but remember alot of times when people are so perfect, and popular they have more opportunities to be bad, because they can get away with it, or they have a list of people wanting to be with them. Just be careful of what you want.

 

Be careful of who you lead on also, being in law enforcement, it is easy to pick up stalkers, or psychos today.

[salmonhead_uk]

Thank you for your words.

You are right about karma and yes, i think im being the kind of girl i always despised. All that you've said seems very honest and it is good to gain a bit of perspective on what I look like from the outside.

Thank you. I will stop being so callous and attention-seeking, and I TOTALLY see the point with lists of ideals - ultimately there isn't one is there?! There's just ideal when it happens.

I'm going to stop worrying about how much I hurt and try and think about the potential hurt I am causing to others.