To those who want their ex's back but finding it difficult

[Rickster]

Im speaking from personal experience. My gf left me after 2 years of a happy relationship because I wasn't there for her in the same country and she found a new guy. However Im not in a position to say that it will definitely get your ex back, but atleast I think my ideas will atleast get you back as friends, and all relationships start from friendship. So you never know.

 

Anyway, I do not believe in the NC rule if you want your ex back. I only believe in the NC rule if you are completely sure you do not want your ex back as it will heal you. Why I do not believe in the NC rule if you want your ex back, is because friendship is built through conversations, I do not know any 'love at first sight' relationship. These kind of things only happen in movies. The NC rule still does apply but only to a certain extent.

 

Im sure everyone has gone into a depressed mood and you have expressed it to your ex (to try to tell your ex that you need him/her so much, another words persuade them to come back to you), but your ex is having none of it. So this is where NC rule applies. Use the NC rule for 1 month or slightly more. If she calls you you're off to a good start. If she doesn't call then call her. But you have to have a reason to call her, and please, let not the reason be persuading them to come back to you. I find that you have to forget the past, and even if you are still depressed and sad about what has happened, you have to show that you are happy and you've changed. Especially for guys, the girls love it when you joke around, so you got to show them that you have changed, and you're happy, that way your ex will slowly open up to you.

 

In the beginning stages your ex will not open up to you, when you talk like what you used to talk with her before, she will feel abit awkward and will not trust you to be a friend and also because of the pressure of her new bf she will try to keep the conversation very limited. She will not share her opinions, and personal information and mutual question with you. The idea is to start a conversation that she will share her opinions, personal information and mutual questions, so that a conversation can get going and in this way friendship will build.

 

 

 

Whenever you call her, have an important reason to call her and tell her the reason, the reason shouldn't be too personal but involves the things both of you know. And then let the conversation wander off from there. DO NOT ask questions like, "what are you doing", "where are you going", "why are you going there", "who is going with you". I ve done that and it push me even further away from her. First of all, you want to show her that you just want to start from friends, you have no control and no right to control what she does or where she goes, by asking her those questions she doesn't trust that you just want to be friends, and it sounds like you are a control freak, which is in my opinion no way a relationship should ever be. If you have nothing else to say then tell her you have to go. Do not prolong a conversation that is empty. By ending the conversation, it also shows you have moved on and you are not thinking about her too much, and the most important thing that you've showed her is, you have changed.

 

DO NOT call her everyday! This will make her think that you haven't changed, and she will be less receptive when you talk to her. Also the pressure from her new bf will build up on her and will make her not want to talk to you even more. Call her every now and then. Like once or twice a week. This will show her that you are busy and moved on.

 

Another thing that I do is to mix around with the friends that she knows. If you mix around the friends that she knows, you never know when you might be able to see her again, plus you have more things to talk about, because both you and her know who or what you are talking about. Im very sure your ex has talked about the breakup with some friend. So if your attitude around her friends is happy and cheerful and funny, the information perceived by her friends will be passed on to her. So she will think that you've changed. DO NOT tell any friend that you are still sad and depressed on this situation, you can never trust them no matter how close the friend is. Also if her friends still ask "oh, so are you still depressed", or "how is it with your ex" just reply them like its over and you don't care about the situation. And do not keep talking about your ex infront of her friends. All of these minor details will be collected by her friends and it will pass on to your ex. Trust me the situation is the same with me.

 

 

The key things are to show her that you've changed, and open her up to you. Once you've got these 2 things, she will trust you more and then conversation may get more personal, and that's probably when she might start calling you. When she starts calling you it's a good sign.

 

Like before I was all depressed about the situation my ex didn't want to talk to me at all. She would reply me with 1 word and not even come out with things to talk about and worst of all she wouldn't even concentrate with what I would say by talking to other people while I was on the phone with her. But after mixing around with the friends both of us know, Im very sure them friends must have passed on the information that I've changed, and I also have something to talk about to her which I find it such an easy topic to talk about because we are in different colleges. So we don't see the same things, the events are different and new friends. It makes it so difficult for me to come up with something that both of us can contribute to a conversation. Currently, she talks to me as a friend, but not a close friend. Atleast she contributes something to the conversation and asks me a few questions here and there. Hopefully with a few more phone calls her trust in me will continue to build.

 

 

You can see my other posts in this forums, Ive been really depressed about this, but now I see a different side of it and its really working out well. Even superdave knows how depressed Im. What do you think of my opinions?

[Beec]

I like your thinking.

 

One caveat, don't be "just friends," unless that's all you want. There needs to be some hint of your desire in you.

[SuperDuper]

Hey guys..

 

I sent a message to my ex last night telling her all my feelings which I bottled up for a few months.. and she replied that she misses what we had too. It's a difficult situation because she has a boyfriend but he's immature and she knows it won't work out. (She was takling to her friend on the phone, who was talking to me)

 

My ex always talks bad about her boyfriend, saying he doesn't have too many shirts so it's sorta gross, and that his mom is a bltch... which is true.

 

she told her friend she misses hanging out with me, and my moms cowboy stew.. and coming over to my house and all of that.

 

The final thing she said to her friend was that she knows things wont work out with her boyfriend (1 month going out) and that she is going to wait until things get bad with them so it doesn't mess thigns up, and then she's gonna go slowly with me..

 

what's your opinion on this?

[Beec]

So you basically told her you will sit there waiting for her, until she decides she wants you. When the started goes down, you can be called in off the bench. I would not tell her that I am willing to play second fiddle for her. Go find a new woman, and watch her dump him quickly.

[Echo]

I agree with Beec....

 

Sounds like this girl thinks she is going to call all the shots here. SuperDuper...time to man up and stand your ground. Put yourself in her current b/f's place. Would YOU want to be him? Her calling YOU gross??

That is totally classless....SHE chose to date him, what's that say about HER?

Personally I think it sounds like WAY too much drama...and you can do much better.

[Mattie]

Your post makes sense. The trouble with me is, I'm very impatient.

[Beec]

Your post makes sense. The trouble with me is, I'm very impatient.

 

Then try and excercise what patience you ahev and find somethings to distract you.

[Rickster]

Beec, you are right not to be 'just friends', but we all have to start as being 'just friends' then carry on from there. It was torture for me to wait almost 6 months until i finally understood about what I was doing wrong.

 

As for Mattie, Im very impatient. Believe me I want to get back with her quickly. But just a reality check, theres no way you will get back immediately. But exactly what Beec said, just try and keep yourself occupied with something. So I try as hard as I can to mix around with her friends to distract me. Then I have something to talk about to her.

 

SuperDuper, it sounds like you have a good start. But she might be playing with you. I mean good start by talking to her about the problems she and her current bf is having. The more you talk about it the more she will realise why she is going out with a dweeb, and she'll like your attitude and thinking as to how a girl should be treated. I don't know, that is how I got my gf.

[yo]

Hey Rickster,

 

I really liked ur idea. I really want to get my EX back.. But have been doing NC for abt a month now. It's really helped me a LOT!

 

After the breakup, I tried being frens with my EX. She was comfortable talking to me too. She would herself tell me things abt her new b/f and how nice he is, how lucky she is to be with him etc.. She would also say that she's hurt me a lot and she would do anythig to make up for it.

 

I really need her man.. But, I feel that..

 

1) If I start being frens or even try to be frens with her.. it's like forgiving her for cheating on me and then dumping me! This will definitely make me look like a needy, desperate person. What abt my dignity?

 

2) I will be hoping (in the back of my mind) that one day she'll break up with her new b/f and come back to me.. which may never happen in my case as she is already engaged to her new b/f.

 

3) I can never be just frens with my EX - I can still love her, hope that she comes back and just pretend to be her fren.. and get hurt when I come to know abt all the fun things she's doing with her new b/f. OR I can just be frens with her.. hoping to get her back by pretending to be a different person.. pretending not to miss her..try to make her jealous etc.. But, both the methods of trying to get her back are wrong. She should LOVE me for how I am, for I am.. not for what I pretent to be.

 

Hey man, do u still think I can try to get my ex back by trying to be frens with her?

[Rickster]

Im glad to hear that people like my thinking, shows that Im going in the right direction.

 

yo - sorry my first point to you is going to be a lecture. What dignity are you talking about? Which is more important, your dignity or getting your ex back. Certainly mine would be getting my ex back. You are not desperate, you just have feelings and you care and love her. If you were desperate, for a girl, then wouldn't you desperately grab any girl that comes your way?

 

She is engaged, doesn't mean married. I mean chances are low but you never know, you haven't tried so it's not time to give up.

 

I think the worst thing to do is to make her feel jealous that you get another girl. You just have to take it for now and listen to all the fun things she and her bf do. I said before its a good start that she atleast talks about something and especially her bf, because you never know if one day she might start talking about the things she hates about him. And that's when you start comforting her, or telling her thats not the way a girl should be treated and how you are so unlike that and how you would treat a girl. Then she would realise that she wants to be with you. I say just carry on talking. She would open herself more to you, she will start expressing her personal opinions.

 

Hey just look at it atleast she talks to you about her bf. My ex doesn't except for one occasion, which went well but I spoilt it because of my stupidity when I didn't know about all the things I wrote here.

 

I also forgot to add that she talking about her bf is good, it shows she has trust in you and comfortable in telling you what is going on. There is obviously some things she doesn't like about him but she will not tell you because you and her are still not that close. Every relationship is perfect.

 

Plus think about it, you are lucky, sometimes we just have to accept what we have at the moment and don't be so selfish to want everything, we are lucky for what we have and be grateful for it. Soon things will start to get better and better. Others aren't as lucky.

[2cute2bstressed]

I agree with you rickster I am currently doing n/c with my exbut im not ignoring his calls i answer when he call i reply when he text i just dont initiate conversation myself ..we have nice funny conversations which lead to nothing ...no more yelling no more fussing and he slips up sometimes and say he wants to make things betterand he's amazed athow i can still be there for him after he hurt me so much . yeah it sounds crazy but maybe i will do complete n/c if it hurt me to talk to him but it doesnt and im enjoying it the way it is and i want to kep it this way ....great adice rick...i agree

[yo]

Hey Rick,

 

I said before its a good start that she atleast talks about something and especially her bf, because you never know if one day she might start talking about the things she hates about him. And that's when you start comforting her, or telling her thats not the way a girl should be treated and how you are so unlike that and how you would treat a girl. Then she would realise that she wants to be with you.

 

The problem is my ex and her new b/f stay in different countries.. So, I don't think she'll ever find out what she hates abt him. She's way too crazy abt him and it hurts me to the core to listen to her speak so high of her new b/f like I'm crap who's treated her badly.

 

She herself has told me that there is no way in hell that she's ever coming back to me and that she doesn't want me to hold on to faint hopes abt her coming back. So, it's pretty much like a dead end for me. Nothing I can do abt it

 

And how long can I keep talking (as a friend) and wanting the girl who doesn't want me back? I'll be missing out on so many things. Maybe there is someone who'd like me just the way I am and maybe not. I feel so helpless. I know NC will not get her back but NC is helping me heal. I cannot think of any other way of getting her back. She's gone forever

[dzadze]

Rickster has posted something very good. I realized the idea along the same line after talking to some of my friends yesterday.

 

One of them mention: You cannot forget somebody, its psycology. You can only see them different.

 

Cheers>!

[rascal]

You're delusional.

[Rickster]

Rascal - "you're delusional" is that meant to be good or bad? And why do you say I'm from that quote?

 

Yo - Has she met him in person? And how can she say that she has a great time with him when they are in separate countries? I don't understand the situation.

 

Could someone help me out please?

I haven't called my ex for 8 days already. I feel like if I call her it might hurt me to hear her talk to me badly. I don't know why I have this feeling. Although after I have done what I've said in this topic, she hasn't talk to me badly. And I do not get hurt when she tells me shes with her bf or in her bf house or shes going out. Because I know that is what she wants, and shes happy, and if i go against it, its not going to come out with results or maybe even get worst. And if I do go against it, what Ive worked on will go to waste. And I understand why she would be with her bf. As for now I must be understanding, because I know if Im understanding and accept things, she will more likely accept me and the way I think.

Can someone give me words of advise to be more courageous to call her? Its the only way I can get closer to her but Im scared of doing so. [/b]

[SuperDuper]

I thought you had yourself all planned out on what you wanted to do with your ex, what's wrong?

[Rickster]

Ive got it all planned out but Im afraid of calling her. Just a feeling I don't know why.

[rnorth]

Don't call her now. That is what your gut is telling you.

 

Go out and find something to do to keep you mind off of things.

[Rickster]

I finally figured out whats the fear in me calling her. I just do not know what to say to her. The situation is difficult because we now have different set of friends and we go to different colleges and we don't see each other and go to the same places. I mix around the friends that we knew in school. But she hardely keeps in touch with them. Im just finding it difficult to talk about something.

[SuperDuper]

Well, then.. if it's causing you this much grief and you haven't even done anything yet, I'd suggest not calling her. - Or at least until you have your head on straight about what you want to do.

 

Don't make decisions when you're emotionally unstable.. seroiusly, chances are you won't benefit. I agree rnorth..wait it out, you can't lose by doing nothing.

[Rickster]

SuperDuper - I called her today. Im feeling much better. Its honestly not the fact that Im scare fo her or that Im emotionally unstable. Just the fact that I don't know what to say. Atleast we had a friendly conversation when I called her. She sounded more like she was giving in and trusting me more. Thanks SuperDuper for the replies. So far I think its getting better between me and her. Well everything just seems so slow. But slow will get me somewhere rather than not doing anything which won't get me anywhere

[misery12]

Exactly, and you have to think of it in this sense.. if you want her back, then keep your cool.. and don't give too much of yourself too early..

just be yourself and let things unfold as they should.

[Rickster]

HAH!!!! Im so happy. I went out with a group of friends and called her along too and she actually came. And we did talk and stuff. And even before she came she called me! I just can't believe it. She called me. Eventhough it was about computers (cause I used to fix her computer and like she wanted to borrow some cd). But atleast she called me. Im like so excited now. What Ive said in this topic is really working out. She actually sees me as a friend!

 

We are getting closer. Don't believe it.

[lgirl]

i've just been reading these posts and i have to ask guys, where is your pride? Yo, you are right to question where yr dignity is in calling someone who not only dumped you, but now has a new bf (who's she's engaged to – already!!). she has made her feelings quite clear, sorry to say, and you are wasting your time (and yourself) playing the waiting game! talking to you about her new bf is not a sign, as Rickster suggests, that she feels comfortable etc talking to you about him. it is gross insensitivity and disrespect of the worst kind – it wouldn't hurt you if it was okay for her to talk like that to you. where is her decency – does she think you have no feelings? she sounds very immature to be carrying on like that. also, any respect she did have for you will rapidly dwindle the more she sees you'll put up with her crap (b/c that's what it is!). losing your dignity and self-respect is TOO high a price to pay for trying to win someone back who's already moved on – without you (bitter fact).

 

i speak as someone who's exbf just flipped out one day and smashed the r/shp up into pieces leaving me totally poleaxed. even though i told him not to call me again (he said the same to me – teh!), some twisted part of me still wants some contact from him (an apology? closure?). but how can i call him after the inexcusable way he behaved? how desperate and lacking in self-respect would it look?

 

here's a poor analogy: if someone physically beat you up and smashed up your home, would you call them a month later to see how they were, what they were up to, how they were feeling? i don't think so...

 

it's the same thing.

[Rickster]

Igirl, you want your man back after he physically beat you? Have you ever thought that normal friends shouldn't beat you, even more so your bf?

 

The reason why it worked for me is because I knew she still had a thing for me, and she told me she still loved me abit, but because I was far away in another country she couldn't go on eventhough now she still has another bf, I will still try, for me my pride and dignity isn't as important as her. Im not sure about you people, which you would rather. If you really loved your ex, pride and dignity wouldn't matter.