Why cant she let go?

[Scratcher Gillespie]

Hi people, this is my first time posting on here, but I have recently gone through a bit of a break-up, and have been lurking here for a while. You guys give some great advice, it's really helped me over the last couple of months.

 

However, I'm currently having a problem with my ex of 2 months. We were together for about 6 months previous, and had quite a good relationship, which broke down in part because she is battling mild depression. (I felt like I was her therapist as well) I moved into her house for a week while her parents were away, and after about 2 days, we both found we had absolutely nothing to talk about. We would literally sit there and have dinner, watch tv etc in silence.

 

She has trouble controlling her moods at the best of times, but when shes drunk it all tends to come out. Anyway at the end of that week, she got drunk, picked a huge fight and we ended up breaking up (It wasn't the first time she had done that). I no longer saw a future with her,which isn't to say i didn't think she is a great girl, but I thought it best not to string her along.

 

Anyway its two months later, and she is still harassing me. I mean, to the tune of 4-5 phone calls per night, which i don't answer, along with numerous messages, which I occasionally reply to. To make things even more complicated, I am now seeing a former female friend of mine (that I wanted for ages before being with my ex, not during though) who my ex knows. The ex doesn't know as yet, and when she does find out i just know she will go ballistic.

 

Because of that, I find its affecting my relationship with my new girlfriend, they live literally 2km away from each other, (about 100km from me), and i find whenever I go out, I'm looking over my shoulder, feeling guilty etc, and it just sucks. It's caused numerous fights with the new gf.

 

Basically the question is, how to convince my ex that no contact is the only way that she will get over me. I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have, but shes the type of girl who wallows in her own misery, she has a history of depression and has attempted suicide once (a long time ago, she is much better psychologically now.)

 

I really really want her to just live her life and be happy, and accept that it just didnt work out, but no matter what i do it seems to cause more pain and tears, and it tears me up inside. I couldn't live with myself if she did something stupid.

 

Any thoughts on how to firstly help the ex get over me, and secondly, get rid of the guilt feelings I have when i'm with my new gf?

[frustrated101]

Don't feel guilty about how you feel when it comes to her. Live your life and don't worry about her at all chances are she problably won't do anything anyways you said it yourself she is much better and it was long time ago. She just needs to know flat out it's over and that you are seeing someone else and then let her have her fit. Chances are if she is depressed you are giving her the attention she needs by responding to her and her emails. You need to cut the cord and move on with your life and so does she. She won't get better if she keeps wallowing in her own sorrow and knows your there to fall on when she breaks.

[BillyJean714]

Don't feel guilty about it. I think that the BEST thing that you can do, I know that you're a sincere guy who has good intentions for the ex, I would just cut off ALL contacts. Let her be. The more you hang around, the more she will feed onto your emotions. Sure, it's hard for her to let go, but she will have to eventually. Let her know that you have a new girlfriend. She has to respect the fact that you guys are officially over.

 

Anyway, sooner or later, she will move on. She's just devastated. Don't pick up her calls, and let her go figure things out for herself for now. I know it sounds cold to do this, but it's a really tough lesson that she's going to have to face.

[RayKay]

Do not feel guilty for having found someone more suitable and compatible - you were single when you started dating her, and have every right to do so after you have broken up with someone!

 

As for your ex, you need to be VERY VERY clear that it is over. Tell her that you can no longer talk to her or text her - go no contact. She will likely be upset and bitter, but in the long run it is best because right now any contact from you at all is likely fueling her to keep doing what she is doing and maybe even giving her some sense of hope. It's hard to do, but you MUST just cut the strings now. If you are worried about her, contact one of her family members or friends and let them know you are no longer talking to her for the reasons of needing to move on, but are concerned for her physically and mentally (if she has history, I am sure they will understand and not put the blame forth on you).

 

Good luck, it is always hard to know how to distance yourself from someone whom hurts...but you must do it, so she can work on healing, and you can build this relationship with your new partner.

[Jackson_83]

As has been mentioned earlier, cut the chord.

 

Send her a text-message saying that you've moved on and that you suggest she does the same. Then go into a period of No Contact, and whatever you do, do not break it. Ever. There is nothing colder than silence, and she will soon get the message. Harsh, I know, but it will be better for you in the long-term.

[Scratcher Gillespie]

Well it's happened. She rang one of my friends who is in New Zealand at the moment just to chat. He claims he was drunk at the time and let it slip that I am with the K, the new gf. Although that may be doubtful, as I know he has wanted her since/before we broke up.

 

As I expected, she has gone off the scales. She says she never wants to talk to my friend ever again, and I'm scared of turning my phone on for the hate/guilt trip messages that will inevitably surface.

 

I'm well aware that I have hurt her deeply and I'm sorry for that, but I don't think that talking to me is going to make things better. I feel so sorry for hurting her, even though I have only done what is best for me in the circumstances. I still feel guilty, and I'm actually afraid to see her/talk to her for the pain it will cause her and the guilt it will cause me.

 

Im still debating whether to answer her calls, ring hre and talk to her, or simply leave it and enforce no contact. What do you guys reckon? I think I can make a wild guess what the suggestions will be.

[RayKay]

Just leave it alone.

 

While it was not the *best* way for her to find out, often when we find out an ex is seeing someone else, it lends a sense of finality that can help us move on.

 

I don't understand why she is not even talking to your friend now cause he told her? She seems to have a problem directing her anger/emotions in the right directions it seems.

 

Change your number if you can.

 

And don't let guilt be what brings you back to her. You really should not being feeling guilty though it is fine to feel for her of course, however you had to do what was best...her behaviour after the breakup has more clearly shown the person she is, and the reason you are not compatible.

 

Best of luck.

[blueyed99]

If you want her to stop harassing you, here's the plan:

 

1. Get caller ID

2. Whenever you get an incoming call that you don't recognize or one that is displayed as Private Caller or an unrecognized number that is within her area code or yours, do not answer it! If the call is important and it's not her calling, that person will leave a message. Trust me.

Do not, by any means, answer your phone! And, do not call her back. Do not respond to emails. Do not give her any reason to continue bothering you. Cut her off. I know this sounds viscious but trust me .. it's the best thing for both of you. And, do NOT tell her about the girl you're dating - there is NO reason for her to know (you won't be talking to her so you won't have the chance to let her know) It's similar to ripping a bandaid off of the skin. You have to do it quickly, suddenly, abruptly -- cold turkey. The skin burns for a few seconds but the pain subsides fairly quickly after. This is the way you have to handle her "obsessive, compulsive calling." You need to break her of her habits. If you don't "respond" to any of the attempts she is making -> get in touch with you, she will have no choice but to stop calling. After a while she won't want to reach out to you because she'll know (before she even calls) she won't get a response. It'll get old and she'll have no choice but to move forward and stop wasting her time. It's similar to an addiction. You have to stop the addiction cold turkey. I promise you .. this will work.

[newts]

You see m like a nice guy, however, why are you answering her calls? You are just leadeing her on! When an ex answers a call after they know that their previous relationship is over and they really know they want to move on-why answer the calls? Move on! it's over, you shouldn't feel guilt for not finding a compatibilty with this girl. I don't know, it seems the guilt stems from something you have forgot to tell us.

 

Depression is depression, leading depressed people one gives them a semblance of hope. Cut all ties and cut the guilt trip.

 

IGNORE HER!!!!!!! THERE IS NO FUTURE. NOT EVEN AS FRIENDS!!!