Dying slowly, Don't know what to do anymore

[sorryJason]

Thought I should post this here, instead of in the abuse forum, as I don't want abuse victims to feel sorry for me, or for them to be mad at me for feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I deserve this, but I just need someone to listen.

 

Hello all, just awoke from yet another nightmare, I know I deserve this, but I just can't get any kind of real sleep anymore, and I know my work is suffering, just the other day, one of my friends at work said to me,

"what's wrong?"

I said "nothing, why?"

then He said "you just look distracted"

 

Distracted, hey you would be too, if you were scared to go to sleep, I have been exercising my brains out, 2 - 3 hours everyday at the gym for the last 3 days, and it hasn't been getting better. It has been getting worse since I started my abuse workbook, it has been very hard(yeah I know poor me, wa wa wa) I can only imagine what my ex has/is gone/going through. I don't know what to do, I want to phone her and tell her I love her with all my heart and that I am so sorry(God am I sorry) for what I did to her, but I know it would just seem like I am just trying to get her back. I do want her back, but I also want what is best for her, and I know that is to be away from me, and for me not to bother her, for me to be out of her life forever, but I love her so much. I tried casual dating to get her out of my head, but all I could think about was that the girl I was with wasn't my ex. I didn't even really date anyone seriously, I just thought I could move on and forget about my ex, WRONG! Every girl I see with dark hard is her, every red car is her car. I thought I was done with this, I know she is better off without me, so why do I want her to let me back into her life? I would probably just mess things up again.

 

God please help me through this therapy! My group meetings are good, but we are on a 2 week break, that's why I got this book, and I am going to see my therapist on Thursday, so maybe that will help, but my therapist is moving to BC on Friday! Great eh? And she was the best therapist I ever knew, oh well. I guess I can find someone else, beside we were told that we should concentrate on group when we going to it, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Why do people need sleep, I just wish I could never sleep again! Should I stop with the workbook? I am so lonely, everone is going away this weekend, I am afraid to be alone, I am afraid I will break down and call my ex. No I won't I am strong enough to leave her alone, that is what she wants and that is the least I can do for her. Thank God I work at least for a while on Saturday.

 

Well I guess that's it for now, I am going to TRY to get some sleep, I guess a couple minutes at a time of sleep is better than nothing, right? Yeah, I only wish!

 

P.S. Don't bother recommending sleeping pills, they aren't working for me(weird huh?). I can't understand why either.

 

Sorry for the long post, I don't expect any replies, so don't feel bad if you don't post.

 

I love all you at Enotalone!

(Hugs for everyone!!)

Good night!

[miracle29]

Long Post? Ha, you must not have read my last book i just posted in the response of the abuse and violence section...

 

I want you to know that you ARE SEEKING HELP meaning that you know you have a problem and you're willing to work on it. That says something about your character. It says "I want to make a change".

 

The feelings of wanting to contact the Ex are normal but ill advised. Until you are 100% healed you will only hurt yourself and her more by trying to contact her. So just simply push that thought out of your mind. You don't want to go back to a co-dependent relationship that ends up in worse abuse, you back in another class feeling worse than before.

 

Ok, so step one...You made a mistake

Step two, you admitted this

step three you are seeking help. No one on this forum should bash you when you are trying as hard as you are. I came from a very abusive backround...I survived, and unlike you my father refuses to get help. He will die thinking that he is a loser, a sick man and wallowing in self pitty.

I pray that you don't end up like him, and give up or go back into the old patterns of abuse.

 

I have a suggestion for you....

Once you get help..HELP OTHERS...helping others can keep you focused on the right things. It can also boost your self esteem...

 

before i go on further...i want to know..Were you abused as a child. Sexually, or emotionally, or physically? Where did this come from..it didnt just come from nothing..so think back to when this started......

[lunatic]

What your experiencing is absolutely normal Jason. Just keep going on like you are and when you are feeling week come here and post about it. The first step to fixing the problem you have is to admit it. With that said the hardest part is done when you admitted you had a problem! Keep up the good work bro!

[Hope75]

Your ex already knows that you are sorry, you told her so before, and I don't think you need to harp on that Jason. You are right that she asked for you to be out of her life and that is the best gift you can give her now, even if you won't ever be able to see the reward of that gift.

 

The most important step you can take now is to keep up with your therapy and to forgive yourself for what you've done, and use the progress you've made to bring success and happiness into YOUR life, and let your ex live hers.

[sorryJason]

Thank you all for replying, I am going to leave my ex alone, I know that it would be better for her not to seem me, the last time she saw me, I saw her cry a little, and I almost started crying myself. I have tried to be strong in front of her so that we don't end up both crying and not be able to get through this break up.

 

I have tried to forgive myself, but now these nightmares are keeping me up all night, I fall asleep then 15 min later I wake up out of a nightmare where my ex is killing me, or my father is abusing me, in a way that I abused my ex, but the worse one is where my ex is crying for no apparrent reason, I just keep seeing her cry, damn! Now I am starting to cry, and I can't I am at work. Geeze why did I start posting. Got to get back to work. Sorry everybody.

[2cute2bstressed]

wow your such a brave person i feel like i have to be strong because your going through something worse that me. I hope everything goes well but i once hurt someone i loved more than anything by lying to him and tampering with his mind mentally i even had him going against his own judgement and spirituality because of a single lie i told him. it tore a piece of me out literally when i came clean and he walked out of my life forever i now appreciate things so much more and i remain honest so as long as u take it as a lesson learned you should be able to prevent from doing it again and move on in life after the guilt and pain subsides

[sorryJason]

Thank you for replying to my message, 2cute2bstressed! And thank you for that pat on the back, I really needed it. I know I need to hear the hard stuff right now, but what I feel like I need right now is support like you are showing me!

 

I really have no one to support me, to help me through this hard time. I have to deal with the pain of my problem as well as the pain of the break up at the same time. The last time I broke up with some one, it took me 3 years to start dating again, and I only dated that girl for 1 year.

 

I know I will get through this, I just wish I had more friends!

 

Thank you all for your help.

[sick and tired]

Hey Jay,

 

Good to see you're still out there. I think you have a lot more friends than you think, self included!

 

You're a good man and are helping many people, don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Keep yourself busy and time will heal all wounds.

 

Your friend,

Diana

[2cute2bstressed]

Yes Jason you hae the entire enotalone community here for you, to talk to you through your sleepless nights and long days. We are here for you..please remember that in your time of need

[sorryJason]

Hi, don't know if anyone is still around here, but I want to thank both 2cute2bstressed and sick and tired, just listening to a song called angels among us, and I truly believe that you two are angels! Alot of what you two have wrote me has helped me a lot.

 

On a tangent, isn't it funny how when you don't want something, you get it, but when do want it, you don't get it. Example for me, is that now that I don't want a relationship, at least I am not thinking about going out with anyone(execpt my ex, which I know will never happen) I am just trying to heal myself for now, but what do you know, now after pushing off 3 other women because I didn't want a relationship, another 2 women want to date me, one a met at the bar, but I didn't really say anything to her, she was a friend of a friend, so I see her today on the street, she stops and starts talking to me! I am a very shy guy, and I have never had that happen to me before! Then very old school friend phones me tonight and wants to talk, then she starts asking me about if I am still with my ex, I say no, and she says I phone her and go out this weekend! Man oh man, I just don't want this! I still only want my ex back! Even though before her, I probably jumped at the chance to date any of these women, but all I can see is maybe short term relationships, I miss the intimacy that I had with my ex. I miss that I could litterally read her mind sometimes, I miss....well I was going to go into a big long sob story, but I know that it not what I need.

 

I think for now, it is just best to go out with friends, and eventually get over my ex, until I can be sure that I am totally healed and I have fixed myself, and I can trust myself with someone again.

 

Thank you all for your support!

[PartlySunny]

I don't really know much about your story other than what I read here, but I have to applaud you for doing what you are doing. Most people in your shoes would never be big enough or have the guts to take accountability for themselves and be willing to make the changes you are making.

 

I participate daily on a forum for partners of abusive men. Many of us are still on that board years after having left them, divorced them. I don't know a single one of us whose partner ever admitted to the abuse and changed their ways. Not a single one. The women always had to either take the abuse, or leave. Pretty sad.

 

So you are the exception. What an amazing thing! You have my respect and admiration.

[sick and tired]

hey jay,

 

glad i can be of some help.

 

As far as going out, I say why not. It's totally up to you and how you feel, but my thoughts are... I don't see anything wrong with you going out casually. Just because you go out on a "date" doesn't mean you're entering a relationship. I believe men and women can be friends and not be romantically involved. If any of these woman are people you think you'd enjoy spending some time with and grow a friendship with; I think that is a normal part of healthy relations, just like you have "guy" friends.

 

Emotionally and romantically you may not be ready, but building a friendship I believe is a different level. Just so long as you're not doing it to "get over" your ex girlfriend. Which I think you're intelligent enough to recognize this.

 

I guess basically what I'm saying is don't be afraid of new opportunites because you're afraid of what you may or may not do. Challenge yourself you may find that you really enjoy so and so's company. You don't need to punish yourself because of past mistakes, I'm not saying you're doing this, you only know.

 

Hope I haven't overstepped my bounds, you seem to have good judgment, I would just not want to see you sell yourself short.

 

Good luck.

 

your friend

[pocky_biscuz]

Jason........i'm going through the same thing......i took out alot of stress on my ex. And now that he's fed up and gone....i realize that i wasn't exactly a great gf to him. All this realization made me even more upset because all i want to do it have another chance but he won't. he hates me know and won't even talk to me. Says i'm a liar and that i made up stories of lossing my memory.......that's another story....but for me, i can't sleep. I wake up in less than 15mins. Just when i was falling asleep i wake up again. This sucks........

[sorryJason]

Hi Rina,

 

It does get better with time, I find myself sleeping at least a bit better now, the main thing is to forgive yourself for what happened in the relationship, and to do things that will make sure that it won't happen in your next relationship, be it with the same person or someone new, that way you can say to yourself, yes I made mistakes, I had problems in my past, I did bad things, but I am just a human being, and the only way that people change is to learn from their mistakes, take what you have learned and make yourself a better person.

 

You deserve peace in your life, if you still can't sleep I would suggest a great little drug called Loraziplan, I think that is how you spell it, it did help me at least a little bit, also for me going to the gym and tiring myself out has really helped too, an added benefit is that I lost a bunch of weight and I am starting to look buff!(lol!) Which has helped my self confidence as well!

 

Try to do things that make you comfortable, eg watch a movie you like or read a book, try everything you can because, believe me, not getting any sleep or very little will only make things worse. I have cried myself to sleep quite a few nights in a row. Take everything that reminds you of your partner and store it away, don't remind yourself of your past in that way, until you are ready to.

 

I am sorry that did not reply to your post earlier, but with this new forum system it doesn't give you email updates when your posts get replied to. I wish that option was still avaliable!

 

Take care, and please feel free to pm me anytime, especially if you are still awake at nights! I am usually up pretty late too!

 

 

Jason........i'm going through the same thing......i took out alot of stress on my ex. And now that he's fed up and gone....i realize that i wasn't exactly a great gf to him. All this realization made me even more upset because all i want to do it have another chance but he won't. he hates me know and won't even talk to me. Says i'm a liar and that i made up stories of lossing my memory.......that's another story....but for me, i can't sleep. I wake up in less than 15mins. Just when i was falling asleep i wake up again. This sucks........

[Miss M]

I am sorry that did not reply to your post earlier, but with this new forum system it doesn't give you email updates when your posts get replied to. I wish that option was still avaliable!

Jason, it still works that same way, but it didn't automatically transfer over from the old threads. For the old threads, you have to go back and manually set it up to send you an email. But it does automatically work for any new posts you write.

 

To set it for old threads, click at the top of the screen where it says "thread tools." In the drop-down menu click "subscribe to this thread." It will take you to a new screen, and then click on "notification type." Then you have to choose whether you want "instant notification" or "daily" or "weekly", and then click "add subscription."

 

I still haven't subscribed to all my old threads, (too lazy), so every few days I click my user name, and then click "find all posts by Miss M" to look at the list of all my posts, just to see if anything old has bounced up to the top of the list again.

 

Hope this helps.