Did you just get dumped and want your ex back?

[coooolsome]

So I have been at this forum since the end of Aug and I would like to thank all the people here and I really appreciate the help. So here is my way to give back to those people that need it.

 

You just got dumped and you want your ex back? Forget it! Yes it hurts but it is the truth. You must realize that its over and that you will never get it or even want it back. Why? Because once a relationship is over, you can never go back to it otherwise it will end the same way. You must start a new relationship.

 

The new relationship can be with your ex but you have to realize that you must first change and become a better person.

 

Steps of what to do, a lot is advice from other people like Superdave71 plus my thoughts.

 

1. You must accept that its over, give up all hope and vow that you shall never ever contact your ex ever again. Why do you want this? Because you will be a blubbering fool that no one will want to talk to so why would your ex. You will just push that person away. How would you feel if someone kept begging you and crying to you and whining to you? You wouldnt want them anywhere near you. DESPERATION IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. When you give up hope you dont think about "what ifs".

 

2. Start No Contact. Not because you want your ex to miss you b/c that is not guaranteed. Some people are "out of sight out of mind" and some are "absense makes the heart grow fonder". Unfortunately you are not your ex and you dont know what they are thinking so forget about it. YOU DO NO CONTACT TO HEAL YOURSELF. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON TO DO IT.

 

3. Store anything that reminds you of your ex in a container and put it out of sight for 6 months. You do not want to think about your ex anymore than you have to.

 

4. If you need to write your ex a letter, put everything you want to say in it and then put it in a drawer or just hide it someplace. Let it out in a letter so that you cannot hurt any future chances you may have.

 

5. Start doing all the things you ever wanted to do. Work out, go out, start playing the guitar, go spoil yourself. The better you feel about yourself the easier it is to get over someone. The reason you feel the way you do is because your self-esteem has just taken a direct hit with a atom bomb and you need to heal. Plus, you ex is going to look at you and be like WOW, who the hell is that. You will look better, feel better and be a lot more confident. Make your ex feel like they just made the biggest mistake of their lives.

 

6. This step is something you will do throughout the rest of your life. You must now think about why the relationship failed and you must try to fix it. Only fix it if you want to do it for yourself. Ex. She broke up with you b/c you smoke. DONT QUIT B/C YOU WANT YOUR EX BACK. Quit b/c you want to. A person cannot change unless they want to change for themselves.

 

6. After a couple months, if you think you are healed enough, take that new body, self-esteem, and confidence and start dating. NOT TO MAKE YOUR EX JEALOUS, but to get out and meet new people. Your ex may not be the greatest thing in your life now and you must try to figure it out by going out with other people.

 

7. Hell by this time you probably dont even remember why you visited this site. But you are now a stronger, better, cooler, sexier person that can get anyone you want. You dont have that "need" to get back with your ex. This is when you are fully healed and can start a relationship with your ex if your paths ever cross again.

 

8. Oh if you ex calls while you are NC, dont answer. Why should you? If they get mad, let them, they broke up with you. Why answer when all it will do is hurt you. Unless they are asking for you back and they want to try again, anything they say means jack sh*t. "Oh I miss you", "I love you", these dont mean anything. They are now tools of manipulation. Your ex is trying to manipulate you when they use those words.

 

9. What if you can't do NC.....well you are going to have a grand old time. If you see them, acknoledge them, but dont go out of your way to talk to that person. If they try to talk to you, keep it light and under 5min. Dont give them any information about yourself. EX. How is work? Work is great. Thats it. Dont tell your ex you just got that promotion or you hate your boss. Your ex has no right to know your business.

 

Now this is all out of my head and no scientific basis. This is how I know feel after reading almost every thread in the "Getting Back Together" Forum. Yes from page 218 to page 1. I have almost read every thread.

 

Remember, NC is only for yourself. If you feel that you cannot do NC, then do LC(Light Contact). That is where you still talk but maybe like once a week for 5 min. Why, b/c you are busy and enjoying your new life. You dont think that your life is the greating ever but you are enjoying it and you can live without your ex.

 

REMEMBER, NEVER BOAST, BRAG, TRY TO ACT. Be yourself. You are happy but not estatic. People can see through an act.

[coooolsome]

Here is a follow up.....Why did you ex leave you??? Well you need to figure it out b/c it didnt happen overnight. Over the course of your relationship things happened that kept diminishing your ex's interest in you.

 

Ever notice that the first couple of months of a relationship(honeymoon period) you never fight. Why b/c everything is new and exciting and fun. After a while it starts getting old. You need to keep things fun and exciting. If you want your ex back you need to work on yourself and become the person you used to be but better.

 

Slowly over time, your ex's interest in you might start to grow again but it will take some time. I would never get back with an ex in less than 6 months b/c I dont want the same problems to reoccur. Both parties need time.

[darkblue]

SuperDave's got a partner in crime!

[b4bycakes]

I just want to say that this is valuble information, Until three days ago I was doing all that, and feeling great about my self. My ex dumped me on Sept 1 I saw him one time and talked to him one time. Then he called me on monday, we saw each other on wed, got back together, just for him to turn around and dump me again last night, Whats up with that?

[coooolsome]

So Life is funny sometimes. It throws you huge curve balls every once in a while and there are times when you are able to battle and there are times when you strike out.

 

Well remember if you ever strike out, you will always get another chance to bat. Life does not end when you strike out, unless you get hit in the head and die from a brain anurism lol.

 

God like to close one door but he always opens another door. You have 3 choices.

 

1. Keep trying to open the closed door, but the harder you try, the harder it will be to open until it just disappears.

 

2. Stay in the room you are in, stay in limbo, dont move on, hoping one day that door will open up again. Become the proverbial "Loser".

 

3. You can go through the new door that just opened into the unknown. You will be surprised what is waiting for you on the other side so take that step.

 

Remember, you can never go back to the past. The past is the past. Let it be and be happy you had such great memories. Those memories were created b/c you enjoyed life. GO AND ENJOY LIFE.

[brando]

looks like we got a new DYNAMIC DUO

[Trex]

I think this is a great thread, with some awesome advice by cooooolsome and just wanted to "ping" it back to the top.

[Belgian girl]

thank you cooooolsome

I also think (by LC) it's good to show you're there for them, but I still let it be up to you this topic, it's great! (Wished I found it sooner after the broke up)

[drum4god]

I agree with everything, but I must say. If they contact you, and you don't respond it could backfire. I just got back with my girlfriend. Just to give you the nutshell version. She broke up with me after 3 months. I was and still in love with her, and I moved to fast, she told me she didn't feel the same way, and she broke my heart. I went strict NC, no calls, no e-mails. The only thing I did was wave to her once at church. I did everything to heal. Worked out, played gigs with my band, etc. I also got some great advice here, that helped tremendously. She then e-mails me 7 weeks later, saying she doesn't like I am keeping my distance, she wanted to know if she could see my band, and wanted to talk things out. I responded but I didn't jump at her request. I kept things light, and then we finally talked 3 weeks later, and she told me she missed me and had feelings. Now we are back, things are not great, but much better. I could still get burned again, but being a gambler I like to take risks, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I do agree with NC, focusing on yourself, but not responding to their calls or e-mails is not always best. Being that my girlfriend is very shy, it probably would have turned her away, and I would still be alone wondering. Don't overplay your hand. If they call back, you can respond, but be confident. Don't bring up the relationship. Let them do it.

 

Just my 2 cents. You can keep the change.

 

God Bless!

[kadvati79]

I agree with everything, but I must say. If they contact you, and you don't respond it could backfire. I just got back with my girlfriend.

God Bless!

 

Good on you mate! Thats great to hear, I have been following your story for a while. I hope things work out. As you said, its a gamble. But all love is a gamble and I think people generally give up on things too easily these days with that "better fish in the sea" mentality.

[coooolsome]

Wow, I forgot about this thread. I would like to make one update, if your ex calls you, its really up to you if you want to answer it or not. If you can keep you emotions in check then answer. I have realized that the biggest detriment to your chances are your emotions.

 

I have a friend who got dumped 2 months ago. He took it hard, but not in the way many enotaloners do. He never begged, or cried. He did continue to talk to his ex and even drove 15 hours to propose to her(she said no). Well, he did everything in his power, without acting like a desperate person. He continued to talk to her and even started dating another girl.

 

Well she wants him back now.

 

How you handle the breakup is very important. You can try to get them back as long as you do it without introducing the desperate emotions that we get.

[kadvati79]

How you handle the breakup is very important. You can try to get them back as long as you do it without introducing the desperate emotions that we get.

 

True courage is knowing when to walk away, when to fight, or when to do a combination of both. I think in love, the same rules apply. When you really love someone, you have to be prepared to accept what they need to be happy to whatever end. This is where I think marriage vows are a bit wonky, being based on the notion of "ownership".

 

In my case, I love my ex. I want him to be happy. I have to accept that him being happy may involve a life without me. It might not. I won't know for some time. I am the one stringing myself along, and I do it willingly. I know the risks and am prepared to pay the price of prolonging my suffering because I believe in the cause I am fighting for.

[NubianLove]

True courage is knowing when to walk away, when to fight, or when to do a combination of both. I think in love, the same rules apply. When you really love someone, you have to be prepared to accept what they need to be happy to whatever end. This is where I think marriage vows are a bit wonky, being based on the notion of "ownership".

 

In my case, I love my ex. I want him to be happy. I have to accept that him being happy may involve a life without me. It might not. I won't know for some time. I am the one stringing myself along, and I do it willingly. I know the risks and am prepared to pay the price of prolonging my suffering because I believe in the cause I am fighting for.

 

I must say I really like your perspective on things, I've been following your responses, even to my post. Interesting u said that, I'm reading the Alchemist and it says in the introduction

"We who fight for our dream suffer far more when it doesn't work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse well, I didn't really want it anyway." We do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier...then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times."