Trying to move on... help!

[Dreamingirl]

I have been reading posts on here for a few weeks now and it's amazing to me how similar everyone's feelings and situations seem to be. I started dating someone when I was in the tenth grade and up until about three months ago we were on and off. Sometimes on was really on and off was really off but we kept on going. My ex recently decided to start dating my brothers ex after only their break up being a few weeks. I was completely devastated for about a month, I couldn't eat, sleep, and stop crying I really never thought it would get better, it was really pathetic.

 

My ex parades around with someone I used to sit accross from the family dinner table with, someone that I tired to make feel comfortable and console when her and my brother were on the rocks. Anyway we all kind of live in the same little area so I'm constantly running into him. I haven't ran into the both of them yet and really don't know what I'm going to be like when that day comes but I'm trying to prepare for it. I have remained very diplomatic through the whole situation, only confiding in close friends since we both share a lot of mutual friends and even that has been hard to do. We have such a long history and everything everywhere reminds me of him.

 

Since June I have really gotten a lot better and reading some of theses posts on here has given me some new perspectives on this whole break up thing. I still have my good days and bad days and cry but lately I have been missing him a whole lot. So much so that I met him for happy hour a week ago. I think I was more upset when I left the happy hour and just disappointed since I knew that I had kind of set my self back in this healing process. It was just so hard to say no to someone that I had been so close with and it made sense at the time. So he tells me at happy hour that he is single and that he's doing well and really we just caught up, no deep conversations or anything. Of course when it was time to go I balled the whole way home missing him and being upset with myself. The next day I got a message from my brothers ex (who is now serious with my ex apparently) asking me why I cant stay away from him. I was really pist! I didn't reply to her but instead just thought about me and how I can fix this and move on even though this was a minor set back. I called my ex and told him and he still suggested that he was single and I guess felt that I was blaming him for her sending me the message and told him to please do not contact me anymore. He went on to tell me if that's what I really wanted then fine… and as bad as I wanted to talk to him and try and see what he was doing and why and work something out I just said yes that's what I want. I don't want him to know and I really tired to give the impression that him calling me does not affect me anymore but the truth is that it really does. He then had the nerve to send me a nonchalant message the next day about football so I replied to please leave me alone.

 

As if these up and down days aren't enough I'm sick of running into him. I'm trying not to miss him and work on myself right now and when he calls and I see him it makes it so hard. I have had a lot of time to think about our relationship over the eight years we were together and it was such a joke. He did so many mean things and things that made me upset. I think that's how we got so on and off, it was just easier for me to disappear for a while and do my own thing than to deal with the reality of our relationship. Everyone says I'm better off and I don't need him and I know all of this but some nights I miss him so much or just when I do certain things it triggers stuff and I get upset. I guess this is still kind of a fresh break up and I'm really hopeful that things will get better but how do you stay strong when you are constantly faced with these kinds of situations? I know that I probably shouldn't miss him and still be so hopeful but I am.

 

Sorry this was so long, I tried to not give every detail. Anyone that can give me some advice would be great!! Even if one thing sticks with me from this website than it is well worth it.

[Maggy]

Hi. the only advice I can give you, is to try and avoid, for now, all the places you might meet your ex, and keep your distance from your mutual friends. I know this will be difficult, but it's not impossible. I dated a guy for 7 years. He was always breaking up with me and seeing other girls and then he would come back begging for forgiveness..and I would always forgive him. He lived in the building next to mine, and his brother was one of my best friends. So, as you see, it was really hard for me not running into him or meeting our friends. But the only time I was able to make a definite break was when I decided I would do everything I could not to run into him. This meant making ridiculous detours, not looking around when getting home, and, which was more difficult, not talking or seeing his brother or any of out mutual friends.. but I had to do it for my sanity. And guess what...it worked. I run into him now and again, and have even seen him with his wife and kid... and it doesn't bother me at all. So you see... there is hope, but you have to try and keep your distance for a while... best of luck!

[RayKay]

Yikes! What an awful turn of events. I feel bad for his brother too, who at family dinners now has to sit at same table as his ex!

 

I know it might not feel like it, but honestly you have handled things VERY well - good for you for putting up those boundaries and establishing that seperation.

 

I think anytime you are in an on & off thing, generally it is best that at some point someone says that's it - off is OFF. Such rollercoasters just are not healthy foundations for a loving long term relationship.

 

It is still fresh, it will still hurt. Little things will still remind you of him. But have faith in the power of time to change things - honestly over time you will think of him less and less, and the pain will also be lessened. And one day, you will wonder why you even hung on so long at all

 

Just avoid running into him wherever possible - it is probably hard to do in a small community, but just start taking the long way, or going at different hours - whatever works best for you.

 

 

On another note - sounds like his new interest is far more into him, then he seems to be into her.

[Dreamingirl]

Thanks for responding RayKay! It was acutally my brother whos ex my ex is now dating and yeah thats another thing that really sucks is I have to see his pain now too. He was really close with my ex, like a brother, before all of this, so that is hard too.

 

I have wasted a lot of time thinking or trying to figure out how he can be like that... cross a line in life like this. One you just dont cross. Or thinking where is his heart and morals but I cant change him and I have come to terms with that.

 

Most of the time I am kinda happy with how I have handled all of it but at the same time I still hurt so bad. I cry when I have to be strong and say stop calling me or when I dont wave hi. I dont let him see me or know that it still upsets me but it so does. I have to pass his work everyday on my way to work and I see him often. For the first month and a half I started going a new way but then it was taking longer and I really started to get pist that I had to get up early for work just to avoid some idiot. But I guess its worth it rather than to feel crappy everytime I see him.

 

I wish I wasnt so hopeful still I wish I could move on completely. I was reading some other poeples posts about dating and that sucks too. Seems like Ill never find anyone like him, minus the bad stuff. Im always finding myself comparing and thinking how my ex would have done something or what he would have said or just missing him even while Im with someone else.

 

I do believe that I will get over this but its this in between time that kills me sometimes. I have made myself so busy, joining things and stuff but still even that little bit of downtime before bed or when Im not completely busy at work I start to think about him.

 

Anyway thanks for your reply, I apprecaite it!

[mysteriousGIRL]

Guys are so heartless! what an SELFISH JERK! i'm sorry just hearing him dating your brothers ex pisses me off. HAS he thought about anyone elses feelings besides his own? AND SAME with your brother's Ex. WHat a biatch. I hope they both get what they deserve!

[Life101]

how do people like that live with themselves? i mean do they really justify in their head that there's nothing wrong in their actions...its just a shame that people like us have to go through these kinds of people in our lives...but in the positive point...we have to go through these people in order to find out what to avoid and then maybe the next one won't that bad...but then again life is tricky, u never know whats gonna happen next..but i really hope you feel better, i didnt go through as nearly as what ur going through but i bet its difficult, i still sometimes can't sleep at night cuz im thinking about her but it'll get better...sorry for long post. Hang in there, God bless.

[2cute2bstressed]

I really do understand how youfeel because it is so very hard when you are going through this to do much of anything without it coming into your mind. Me personally i have a hard time dealing witht hte fact that i dont text message or talk to him anymore it's hard and i realized that if i focus on today and only today then it really does feel alot better and i know that iit's so hard for me to think straight because im constantly acting on my emotions and not my brain. I know im better off and although i cling to the hope that maybe while im not communicating with him he''ll come back and realize how much i meant tohim but it may be a while because when a guy/girl already has another romantic partner it really makes things seem so much easier on them and they dont have that time ot sit pondering and wondering like we do but this is my first official day of not calling or responding and it hurts alot to sit and see him calling and not answer becaus ei start thinking he'll know im ignoring him and then he'll really stop caring but as of now i n longer care how he feels or what he thinks because he obviously didt care about me enough so hopefully the anger will be there more than the sadness. I wish u all the luck and if u want you can pm me and we can talk and go through it togetehr becaus eit really is hard and sometimes when you listen to others situation it actually takes your mind off your own